Hey... thanks for hanging in there with me, Spidey. I still haven't shaken this thing, (this lousy cold/whatever it is), but I'm in the mood to ramble all of a sudden, so maybe that's a good sign.

In answer to your question, I've been beating myself up for lots of things -- er, LOTS of things, lately. Throughout this whole ordeal, I've become much more forgiving of other people (and I'm pretty sure I was "ok" in that regard BEFORE this happened, but...)
It seems that I've left myself out of the equation, and have spent a lot of time thinking about why.
You said it well.... why can't I be as kind to myself as I am to others?

Well, after a huge amount of introspection in recent weeks/months, I think I've come to accept the fact that I'm dealing with some [email]cr@p[/email] (uh, baggage... STUFF...) from way back when... 20 and 30 and 40 years ago... and this "crisis" in my life (the A, and demise of my M) has opened a whole bunch of wounds that I may have been aware of, but had no clue how deep they were. More accurately -- how much impact they'd have on me in my efforts to "start over again."

Now doesn't THAT have you on the edge of your seat(?!?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It's not all that exciting really... just some stuff that I need to wade through, on this interesting little journey...

Time for another shot of Robitussin DM... maybe I'll throw in a slice of lime this time.
(I figured out the "DM" means "Don't Make-no-difference" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />)

ps. I AM happy to hear about your knee, and the workouts :-) Still on the upswing, yes???

Oh, I think it is VERY exciting!!! I am having all kinds of epiphanies, right and left now! I am realizing even that nothing is really about what I always thought everything was about! For instance, my weight has nothing to do with food, our finances have nothing to do with money, just like mine and H's M problems had nothing to do with each individual problem we thought we had ~ it is ALL US! Everything in my life is a reflection of the beliefs I hold ~ about myself, about my life. Same with H. Which is probably why it is so hard to be M'd sometimes!

And these beliefs I have are so difficult to figure out sometimes, even though they are right in front of me. I think for so many years, I have been on autopilot about certain things, and now by paying attention and asking myself (simply out of curiosity, no judgement to myself, which is KEY for me), "Why am I doing this and getting this result *consistently*, when I think I want to be doing this other thing and getting this other result."

Wow. That has opened up HUGE amounts of conversations and thoughts and things to write to you about! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just as I have thought about food regarding weight, I just realized last night it is the SAME deal for our finanaces. A little clarity on that ~ my H makes very good money here for us, and yet we still have credit card debt. We have no substantial savings. And we don't have that little pop-up tent trailer that I have wanted for about 3 years now. And it doesn't have anything to do with the amount of money my H makes. If he made even more than he does now, we would do the same thing with it. What we are doing with it, we are not sure. We just started looking into this issue. BUT, we are doing it together. When I started talking about it last night, my H didn't get defensive. He listened to me openly, and then AGREED! Not that agreeing with me is necessary, but it is so much easier to tackle a BIG problem with a partner.

I want to get this resolved, or at least on the right track, before I start school. Yesterday, we went and got DS13 started on his 27 month journey into orthodontia. When I start school, I might not be able to work anymore. Our kids are not too far from college. But those are just the reasons I am giving for "the public." The more pressing reasons are ~ why do I want some things, yet I am getting other things? Where is the disconnect between what I want to create, and what is being created? Does that make any sense?

The same with my fitness. Why when I want to be trim and fit, able to sucessfully try new sports and activities without being physically hampered by excess FAT, am I still overweight? Why have I gained and lost the same 15 pounds about 3 times now? Where is my disconnect?

Didn't mean to pile it all on you like that, but I had to get it going in the book. I thought page 53 was the PERFECT place to insert these (for me) new thoughts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

So, H and I both took today off, and we are going to go have TONS of fun today. I'm thinking breakfast, movie, and whatever else catches our fancy!!! Have a great day! And hey, remember, Robitussin DM is not love (ie, food is not love), so don't get lost in the bottom of that bottle! Huge buzz.

Spidey

This landed in my inbox this morning. An important message, but easily forgotten (at least for me).

----------

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins! Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or... I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. He continued, "the paramedics were great".

They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...

I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

After all, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Hey Spidey, guess who I just saw for the first time in... 9 months(?)

Every day on the way to the gym, I have to go thru this intersection right next to VSTBXWWW's office -- same intersection she hits on her way home from work.

I've always wondered when we're going to meet up there...

Anyway... she saw me coming (you know how you can just tell?). She put her head down, and pretended not to see me.

It made me -- surprisingly, I think? -- very sad......

24 years! I still can't believe it. Will I ever?

Talk to ya soon.

I liked your inbox material. Very inspiring.

Wow, your VSTBXWWW actually ducked down??? Even me and the OW hold our head up when we see each other at the intersection ~ which for us is about 1-2 times a month. What must be going through her mind?

Last week, H and I bought a tent trailer. We are so excited. We are taking it out for the "maiden voyage" next Saturday. The boys, especially the younger one, are soooo excited.

I haven't had any epiphanies lately. Still kinda absorbing the ones I had last week, me thinks. The trailer is the only big news I have for you.

Are you getting over your cold? Are you feeling better? What's going on with HSS and her home life? Has she made any decisions yet?

Spidey

No... she just kinda bowed her head, looked down, whatever...
It was kinda weird.
One of my first thoughts was... what an appropriate response!

Cool news about the trailer, Spidey! I remember WAAAAAYYYY back when... I was a little younger than your boys are now, and my family had a tent trailer for a few years, and it was great!
Lots of fun. Not sure if my mother would say the same thing, though :-) She was never the camping type, really, so....

Me too. I think the brain can only deal with so much stuff, then it automatically goes into "gimme a break" mode for a while.

Yikes! Lotsa questions in one short paragraph! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I'm feeling MOSTLY better, thank you.... this is one of those colds that wants to hang around for a while. My workouts have taken a serious hit, which depresses me. I can't think of any time in the last 10 years that I've missed so many workouts, and an old man like me sees the results of that pretty fast. It'll probably take a month or so to get back to where I was.... I know you can appreciate that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

About HSS.... wow...
the latest word is that she and her H have both agreed that their M is not going to work out, and they need to begin taking the necessary steps to end it. She said that it's absolutely beyond the point of no return. She even admitted regretting having her last child, because if it were not for her 11-year-old girl, she would've left the M a long time ago. (But I should add that her DD11 is her favorite, so that last statement sounds worse than it is :-))

This is difficult for me, in lots of ways -- because I know how much pain she MUST be going through (by pain, I mean all of it -- the fear, the confusion, the sadness, the sense of failure). And, as I've told you, I care very deeply for her, and it hurts to know what she must be going through. AT the same time... I feel myself, in some way or another, "hanging out and waiting"... waiting to see what happens -- if they actually go through with a D....

And I'd be lying if I didn't say I wonder... if perhaps there will someday be a really happy ending to this whole story, and I'll once again be with the person I probably should've been with all along. I've had a LOT of time to think about things... actually it didn't TAKE a lot of time to realize that HSS has all of the qualities that were missing (glaringly) in my VSTBXWWW.

I even "studied" the EN's stuff again, with respect to HSS... more out of curiosity, and "what if..." Maybe that's weird, but maybe not. In thinking through how I could meet her EN's, and how she could meet mine, well... what an awakening that was. (it's a good match, IOW)

Don't yell at me too much -- I'm doing the best I can, and "the high road" is still my route of choice. (And her's) Admittedly, it's getting more difficult -- but being 400 miles away from each other, there's not much of a choice anyway.

Sorry for the Sunday Morning Ramble... but it's a GREAT day for rambling, here on the East Coast.
Feels like Spring!

Hope it's a great day out yonder in beautiful Idaho, too, Spidey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Talk at ya soon! Get that camper ready, would ya?!?

I started a post to you yesterday morning, and only got as far as "Happy Monday!" Sheesh. At least we all woke up on time this morning. Yesterday was a sprint. Thank goodness I have that internal-mom-alarm that wakes up if the house is TOO quiet. Yeah yeah, it's a gift.

That sucks about the cold and the workouts. I DO understand how that affects. But, just as quickly as it can go away, I am always amazed at how fast my body can come back, too. It is a powerful machine.

I have been reading more of Geneen Roth's books. I am a bit addicted to her now, actually. I have one book I'm reading, a workbook I'm working in, and an audio cassette that plays in my car. I am fascinated that I could eventually have a healthy relationship with 1)myself, and 2)food. And I see such similarities between this and recoverying my marriage. I guess all hard work looks the same, huh?

I don't want to ENCOURAGE you, for Heaven's sake, but . . . on Oprah a while ago, was the story of two HSS who had each married others, and divorced about the same time. They started talking long-distance, and now they are married to each other. It was a love story. Perhaps you are seeing your silver lining? The window opened for you when the door closed?

But I am NOT encouraging you ~ you don't need any. Continue doing the "right thing," knowing that if it is meant to be, there will be plenty of time for everything to unfold by itself. No regrets.

Chat at you later. I have a full day ahead of me.

Spidey

Thanks for the non-encouragement, Spidey :-)

What you said was pretty much what I need to hear -- that maybe there IS a silver lining in that big huge cloud that's been hanging over everything for a long time now (yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of Move-Out Day, btw!), but if it's something that's "meant to be," I have a lot more waiting to do.

I can tell you that my gut is saying "it's mine to lose" -- "it" being a R with HSS at some point in the future. And, it feels -- also in that same gut which is growing by leaps and bounds as I continue to screw up my workouts -- like IT is something I want.... something that would work, and something that we both probably "deserve" after spending so much of our lives foregoing our most basic and important needs... appreciation, admiration, respect... those things that we somehow still seem to have for each other after almost 30 years now.

(Sorry... if you read the above paragraph 8 or 10 times, it might start to make sense <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

And, somewhere along the lines of what we've (you and I) have been talking about lately, it's those same things -- appreciation, admiration, respect -- for myself -- that I'm still struggling with more than I'd like to admit. I feel like I've allowed myself to be beaten down by people/situations/etc.... #1 being the woman I spent almost 25 years with. As time goes on, I realize with more and more clarity what I've been missing for so long, and I'm angry with myself for having "put up with it" and not seeing things for what they really were.

Certain events... things she (VSTBXWWW) said and did, and things she did not say or do over the years have come trickling back into focus, and I just shake my head in disbelief -- disbelief that I didn't recognize things for exactly what they were (and were not), and disbelief and disappointment in myself for not finding a way to "fix it," rather than let myself get beaten down over the years.

Simply a case of what should've been vs. what was. Notice I didn't say "could've been." I loved her very much -- you're well aware of that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />, but I think the person I was loving for so long didn't really exist in a lot of ways....

I could give many, many examples.... but I don't feel like digging up old dirt....

IOW, I'm dealing with regret -- lots of it. And to be honest, most of the regret now is not over a failed marriage, but what the last 25 years could have been, had I chosen a different path.

Is all of this depressing enough for one post??! Yikes............

Let's move onward and upward, shall we? What's the weather forecast for the maiden voyage this weekend, Spidey??

Well, cold. And we are going to be at a place that is very rarely NOT windy, so . . . BUT, we will be safe and secure in our new tent trailer! We brought it up in our driveway last night to load it up. We put all our camping gear in it, to include our non-parishable food that we always take, and it is not even 1/2 full. So cool!

I have been reading a lot lately about how to change out of the mindset of beating myself up. And the principles are a lot like good communication skills with my H that we learned in our 8 months of counseling. The premise is that change cannot happen with guilt, shame, fear, anger. Change happens when curiosity is used to compassionately and lovingly find the truth within ourselves. At that time, change is able to occur. I find this concept in line with communication with H because (like I have said many times here at MB) the fastest way for my H's feelings to change, or his attitude, is for me to accept where he is currently at.

If I argue his feelings with him, or do other things like guilt and shame to try to make him feel bad, he holds onto his feelings even tighter. But to acknowledge him, with love and compassion, even if I don't agree with him, allows him to let go of the feelings. Sometimes the feelings change, sometimes they don't, but everyone responds better to acceptance and love.

Basically, you did what you did in the past because you 1)didn't know better, and/or 2)to survive. If deep down you believed that the only way to stay married to VSTBXWWW was to be submissive, not stand up for yourself, all your actions will stem from that belief. Adaptation can be something to be proud of. Yours got a bit twisted, and you've learned powerful lessons from it, but that is what you were doing ~ adapting to the situation. Have love and compassion for your incredibly adaptive self!!!

The boys are out of school today, as they were yesterday. I have the couch-repairman coming today (again!), and the boys have Scout projects to be taken to and picked up from, and I'm going to try and get the trailer license today (although our temporary one is good until Monday), and the grocery store for our dutch-oven dinner tomorrow night ~ AFTER I decide what to make. And I'm also going to the gym today. Phew. I'm tired just thinking about it all. Maybe I should go crawl back into bed.

Anyway, I hope you have a GREAT weekend. I will give you a report of the tent trailer when we get back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Yikes! You forgot the beer!

Have a G R E A T time... talk to ya when you get back.

Nah, I never FORGET beer, I just choose not to listen to my boys tell me how bad it is for me, how I'm killing brain cells, and that it is a drug. Good grief, what are they teaching them in school nowadays!?!

We had a FABulous time! We all are addicted to the tent trailer ~ eating at a flat table with no bugs, the furnace!, the fridge, the pottie, the beds (comfy!), the sink (I actually washed my dishes there, and didn't have to come home and wash them again!), did I mention the furnace??

Couple things. First, we forgot the boys' sleeping bags! Their good bags got left outside by accident, and the neighbor's sprinkler got them soaked. So we were going to take the older bags for them. Well, it wasn't on my list, so they didn't get packed (I'm a list person). Because we had the furnace, we decided not to go to the last town and buy a couple. So, one boy slept with a fleece throw blanket I brought and our fleece jackets and coats, and the other slept with one of the trailer's long curtains as a blanket (when Scouts forget stuff, they improvise!). Thank goodness for the furnace, though, or we wouldn't have gotten away with that in Idaho in October. We got to see so much cool stuff at the observatory, though. Our galaxy is going to collide with the only other galaxy not moving away from us in about 5 billion years. Interesting, huh? And Mars is very close to Earth right now. We even got to see the dark spots on it. And we saw lots of other nebulas and double stars and such. Windy, but no trees and no lights make for good star watching.

Second, and this is the biggie, H tore the fabric of the tent while putting it away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> YES! Our new tent trailer, had for less than a week, torn. But, we learned some very good lessons from 1)the actual tear, and 2)the way we both respond(ed) to these types of situations over the years. In the past, H would throw a fit and berate himself and I would be his "caretaker" and tell him he didn't have to worry about it, I would take care of it, it was no big deal ~ no matter if I was really OK, or if I too was freaking out on the inside. Well, this time, I DIDN'T caretake. I started crying. Instead of escalating, he stopped being so angry and asked what he could do to make me stop crying. He then calmed himself down very quickly. About 20 minutes later, we were kind-of laughing about it, and discussing our old patterns of communication and why we thought we did those things. It was amazing.

So, today we are going to go to the camper place and ask about a patch kit. I had just read in one of my Geneen Roth books that you should assume something is already broken, even if it is new and it isn't. Because eventually, something happens to everything, right? It's just that at first, it seems like a HUGE deal. When I got my first new car, I was paranoid about ANYthing touching it. I parked way out in the parking lot. It was a Chevy Cavalier. Almost 10 years later, the basketball hoop in the driveway tipped over in a windstorm and dented the driver's door, and I don't even care. My second new vehicle, my minivan, same deal. And I have to admit, if the b-ball hoop had dented THAT driver's side door, I would have been upset. We've only had that van for 5 years. Shortly after I got my new computer desk, I burned a candle on it, and forgot to put it on a coaster (very cheap candle). Burned a circle in the top of the desk. I was SOOO upset, and now I think it is funny. And our dining room table has hundreds of marks all over it, and I remember when we got it about 8 years ago, it was pristine. But now we look at it and remember countless dinners with family and friends, nights of playing games with family and friends, Scout meetings, birthday parties, holiday dinners, and it is where our kids do their homework every single day. Now, those marks are memories, and we decided that is what the patch on our new tent trailer will be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So, how was your weekend?

Spidey

Uh-oh... I'm a list person too, and one time The Camping List got me into a LOT of trouble when it, in-a-roundabout-way-that-I-won't-try-to-explain, allowed me to forget the TENT... (women aren't impressed when that happens, so I found out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)


O
u
c
h
!

Ya know... I don't mean to be melodramatic here, but... those crazy little things make a whole helluva lot of difference when they're ripped out from under you.
I could count into the thousands the "little" things that at one time would've brought back memories that made me smile and laugh... but now they bring pain and regret. A history that I want to erase, rather than reflect upon....
The moral of the story is: Hang on to that stuff, Spidey. Real, real tight! :-)

Not particularly great -- nursing another injury which has continued to screw up my workouts.

But I WAS thinking about you, btw... because it was a P E R F E C T camping weekend in the Great Northeast USofA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

All for now... spent the evening debugging my no-internet-access problem..... my stomach tells me I should probably eat dinner before breakfast time gets here :-)

Ugh! I hope I'm not wearing off on you in a bad, injury, messing-with-your-workouts-way! Good grief.

Well, follow-up on our tent trailer . . . we went down to the dealer yesterday, and when they fix some other minor factory stuff that we found, and put on an equalizer or stabilizer hitch, they are going to get the fabric sewn up for us ~ free of charge. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> PHEW!!! They are such nice people down there.

So, we take it in next Monday, so we can get it back in time for the next Scout trip on the 22nd. We are going to make all our Scout buddies jealous.


Hee hee hee. I have never forgotten the tent, but FBF/OW, when we were still BF's, of course, forgot hers once. Luckily one of the other mom's was by herself, so they all bunked together.

Which brings up why I shared that FBF/OW memory. I have been thinking about a couple of things. First, that I need to write her a letter. I do not plan on sending it to her, but I need to get it all out on paper. Second, I believe I am at a place that I can remember her, remember our times together, and not have it all tainted with bitterness and anger. It is still sad to me, but I was still changing our past to match my ill feelings towards her. Does that make sense? I don't think what I was doing was bad, because that is where I was at, where I needed to be. Because this whole thing is a process. But I don't want to stay there forever, to feel trapped in all those negative feelings even in my memories.

Because that is why she was my best friend. We shared the same humor, we had a lot in common, we really made each other laugh. And it is OK to remember that.

Anyway, I should stop babbling now. I could just go on and on and on all day and night long, for crying out loud!!!

Spidey

Hello? Are you OK? Are you having internet problems? I check for you each day! Check in when you can.

Spidey

Well, maybe you can only read, and not post. Like when people are in a coma, they can hear but they can't talk. Hmmmm. So, I'll just post away to you, and lull you to sleep with the reading of my words. Then if you are still sick, you can get some much-needed rest.

Everything here is going GREAT. I am at a high point on the roller-coaster of life right now. And I am enjoying it! Because I know that when I need to learn something new, the roller-coaster will dip me back down again. I have had so many personal epiphanies, I don't know where to begin.

I guess I'll start with my most recent. Yesterday, I was able to isolate a very specific way in which my own personal recovery is like our M recovery. I realized that when I am focued on my H to change, or judging his level of dedication to the M, or his personal growth, all his movement stalls. All my movement stalls. Change cannot occur in the space of judgement, shame, or any other negative emotion. Only when I focus on myself, and accept him for who he is completely, does our forward movement start again ~ our communication opens up, our love opens up, and we feel safe with each other.

I realized myself is the same. When I judge myself, or criticize myself, I do not change. I stay stuck. I am learning to approach my relationship with myself with the same care and skill that I use in my R with H. I think that is so powerful!

On to more boring and mundane things . . . we took the trailer in yesterday to *sew* the tent part together. They are also putting a different hitch on the van so we aren't such low riders. :-) I used the quick reply, and there are no emoticons here! Oh well.

We are taking the trailer up to Warm Lake this weekend with the Scouts. It will not be warm. I bet each family will come poke their heads in and have a look, though. I am going to point out the furnace. :-) I know, I am mean.

Well, I hope you are doing OK! If I haven't heard from you in a couple more days, I will start sending out search and rescue parties. Don't think I won't, I know people.

Spidey

I'm alive... and will post later today... promise!
Thanks for thinking about me, Spidey.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What an uplifting little blurb, Spidey! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, I'm sorry I went AWOL. Lots of reasons... some good, some not good, some reasonable, some very lame. And whaddyaknow, I gave you a hard time for checking out for just a couple days... (and now it's glaringly obvious that I owe you an apology for doing that).

I HAVE checked in and read here once in a while, but it got to the point for a few days where I started reading too many new stories that hit too close to home... reading about all the here-and-now pain that people are going through... it was, in some ways, too painful for me. I guess the wounds are still there. I know they are. It's strange... I feel so much for everyone who is going through this... crap... and I WANT to feel that -- but at the same time, I know I need to move past it all and not live in the past. I have so much respect for all the "old-timers" here who've gone through this stuff themselves, and continue to selflessly give and give and give.... they are better people than me.

I'll admit I'm still struggling with re-starting my life. The last few weeks have been rough, and as you know, I was dealing with that stupid Cold-From-He||, and then THREE pesky little injuries that wreaked havoc on my workouts -- and they've been the thing that have helped me remain semi-sane throughout this event...

So, I've been a little down. Dare I say, HSS and that whole thing has managed to bring me further down, also -- another hurdle (or roadblock?) standing between the ongoing turmoil/drama and what I perceive to be a "normal" life. Whatever that means.

If I sound off-the-wall/strange/in-need-of-medication (<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />), well, no... I'm not THAT messed up. What I've managed to do, really, is to take this wonderful infidelity/affair/destroyed marriage opportunity, and evaluate every single piece of my life, from 19xx to today.

Can I agree and disagree at the same time? Like you said, when you point the judgement, shame, and the thousand other negative emotions that rear their ugly head... after being betrayed by the most important person in your universe... at YOURSELF --- change definitely occurs. The challenge is to ensure it's a good change -- "onward and upward," in other words.

Anyway.... I'm still married, of course. Last I heard from STBXWWW (only because I asked, in a one-liner email to her) was that I should be getting a settlement agreement from her lawyer "by the end of the week." That was 3-4 weeks ago. She continues to not have any interest in getting this over with.

And, since this all started... I don't even remember anymore how long it's been... I had my 2nd DREAM about her just a couple nights ago. (and I haven't seen her for... 11 months(?))
Check THIS one out... in my dream, it was the morning of our wedding day, and she came over to my place -- to tell me she didn't want to marry me. Yikes. But... she looked absolutely, incredibly beautiful beyond words. I do know now... that was my downfall in 1983. No... in 1980.

All for now...

Hey there. Good to see you again. I had a GREAT post the other day, pushed Continue, and the thing was GONE. Grrrrr. And now I can't even remember what it was about! We went camping this weekend with the Scouts (only broke one small part on the tent camper this time), and it was COLD, and now we all have colds ~ me and DS13 the worst. I just laid around all day yesterday. I can't wait until it starts draining out of my head.

The part we broke this time was the string that tells you that you have put the lid of the camper up too high. Busted the top right off the screw! But we were setting it up in the dark, in our defense. Oh well. We learn more and more each time. And we took the canoe this time, and it is SOOO much easier to get it on top of the tent trailer than the van! Last time we put it on the van, I dropped my end and dinged the crap out of the van. Grrr. It's kinda heavy, but mostly just awkward the way the weight is disributed and balanced for, you know, floating. Floating in a freezing cold lake in late October is very important, you know. Luckily, we didn't swamp it, we all stayed dry. We didn't catch a darn thing, though. Nobody did. They were jumping all around us, but not biting at all.

I'm sorry you are on the down side of the rollercoaster lately. That sucks. Just hang on tight, because soon you'll be up and soaring again.

About this HSS thing, are you finding this another obstacle in your becoming "free?" The downfall I can see, is that it can be really hard to tell where someone is at in that type of situation. She might really feel that her and her H are near the end of their M, but they may have been doing this so long, it is all part of their "safety zone," the area in which they associate "normal" for a M. I worry you could go from losing your STBXWWW, to something unobtainable that seems just within your grasp.

Anyway, I worry about all kinds of stuff that never happens. Take care of YOU. I'm gonna go take some kind of medication that promises to make me feel like I don't have a cold!

Spidey

Hi Spidey!
Sorry to hear you've contracted the dreaded Yuck disease...
feeling any better today?

I'll write more this evening -- I'm ready to head out the door to <hopefully> accomplish a very important task: closing on mortgage refinancing/getting VVVSTBXWWW off the deed.... she's actually cooperating (so far), and this should be one of the last couple steps before sending everything off to some judge somewhere to declare our marriage Officially Obliterated.

And before you get TOO excited, I've arranged everything so I don't have to actually see the woman.

Wish me luck -- I can NOT wait 'til this is all over...........

Take care of that cold.....

Hi there! I can't wait to hear about the deed closing-thingie. Wow. That is a HUGE step in the Plan D direction. How are you feeling today? Were you nervous yesterday? Did your plan of not seeing her work out? Even the best laid plans can sometimes be thwarted!

I am feeling better today. I was feeling better yesterday, but kind-of overdid it with activity. I haven't worked out yet, but yesterday I took DS13 to the orthodontist (after his "Last Lunch" at Subway ~ meatball, his favorite) where he got the MOST uncomfortable looking contraption (called the Herbst) cemented into his mouth. He is so sore. Then I picked up my house, because you can imagine what a house looks like when the only human female is down and out for 2 days. I also did all DS13's chores for him, since he was so uncomfortable and had lots of homework.

Then I made my first dinner in 4 days, and went to a Scout fundraising meeting that I volunteered to chair. When I dragged myself in the house at 9 pm, I was POOPED! DH made me tea, and I fell asleep sometime during Leno. Or maybe it was Dave. Oh, it was Dave, because he had Bette, and I was trying to stay awake to hear her sing, but I just realized I missed it.

Today I am off to get DS13 some meal-replacement shakes, yogurt, and pudding and take them down to the school to put in MIL's fridge (she's teaching 6th grade there this year, and DS13 is her aide ~ isn't that cool? And she's going to give him more Tylenol this afternoon, too). Then I have to get my teeth cleaned, and I have one client today for cleaning. I was going to make Salisbury Steaks for dinner with mashed potatoes, thinking that would be soft enough for DS13 ~ but I am now realizing that the meat won't be. Ugh. I feel so bad for him. I know he'll appreciate it "in the long run," but that is little consolation to him now, me thinks.

Did I tell you we took the tent trailer out again? And broke another part? I know I told you once, but maybe it was the post that got lost in cyberspace? I have not the energy to go investigate this information, so I might just tell you twice.

Anyway, I obviously have not much to say about marriage building, or anything else that is even interesting. So I will stop myself now. I hope you have a great day, and I hope you are staying with your feelings and getting through to the other side of them. Yesterday on Oprah, the author of "A Million Little Pieces" was on, and he said that when you are going through a negative emotion, or a very strong emotion, and you might want to avoid it or numb it, to just ~ Hang On. He says if you hang on, the emotion will eventually pass, and you will feel better/different. So, just hang on, tqt. You are continuing down your path, moving forward always.

Spidey