Susan, hello! Thanks for popping in. Yes, I knew he IM'd her, as everyone in his small company uses that constantly during the day.

No, until I checked, I wasn't aware of the content of the IM's.

About your last post, I don't know if it is a character flaw or not. More investigation is needed. That's why I agreed to MC.

I'll post more after. Gotta run.

Spidey

Ah Spidey, just what I was afraid of... he is justifying the current EA with the polyamory talk. I think your H has trouble facing himself. Just my take on it having lived with someone like that for 14 + years. How did the MC go?

Well, I for one, am all in favor of polyamory (or whatever!), IF the person moves into their own place, lives on their own, doing their own housework, cooking, laundry, while paying child support.

I am NOT in favor of it when the person is married, asking his wife to put off her education and dreams, while she takes care of all his CRAP, while he is "finding himself".

believer, I agree with you 100%, but... to me, one of the hardest parts of all this is that all 'the (WS's) crap, and finding oneself' doesn't diminish one iota the investment that Spidey and most BS's have made in their chosen life's partner, family, goals, dreams....
all that stuff just makes you want to hang on even tighter.

tqt, you just spoke for so many of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Again, I'm with believer. Tqt is right, however at some point it becomes a "sunk cost" - that time, etc. that's been invested is gone forever. How long do you continue? I'm not saying it's easy - I've been hanging on myself through about 18 months of separation, mainly because of those things. A case of those "do as I say, not as I do" I guess....

Hey all. Well, at MC I made my boundaries VERY clear. And after we got home, and after much struggle with a huge ball of fear I have discovered inside of myself (I call it Big Sally) ~ I have decided to stay with my H while he figures himself out. In the meantime, we are working on our M again.

This is also the scariest thing I have ever done. After reading the beginning of Passionate Marriage last night, I think this is what I need to do ~ for both the health of myself, and the health of our M.

Spidey

OK, so what is your H going to do to ensure the safety of your M? Is he going to change jobs? Send a NC letter?

Spidey, your boundaries include not sharing your H with someone else, right? (that wasn't meant to be flippant)
What happened to the polyamory-as-a-core-belief thing?

I've read some of Passionate Marriage -- pretty intense book!
Maybe your H should read it too, or is he?

To keep our M safe, he is being open and honest with me and himself. Let me be more specific about his conversation with the coworker. He told her that he feels a special or deep or close (can't remember which, but something along those lines) bond with her, and that he is also thinking about the idea of polyamory (being able to have more than one intimate relationship at a time, not necessarily including SF) because the concepts in it seem to really resontate with his feelings and beliefs right now. He also told her he didn't know what feeling that bond with her meant, but he wanted her to know how he was feeling. He said he didn't want to do anything to jeapardize his R with me. She said she didn't want to do anything to jeapardize her R with her H and daughter. And that's where it ended. The coworker didn't really say much about her own feelings, although H's feeling was that she felt the same way ~ at least considers him a good friend.

And that is what H says this may all mean. He is still trying to figure it all out. He may just want to be close friends with people he feels this way about. This would all be worked into our M as it comes up (friendships, I mean). If he really looks deep into himself, and discovers that polyamory is for him and he must explore it, we would renegotiate our M (meaning, D).

We are taking it slow. We are working on us, I am working on me. We are seeing our MC once a week (the same one who helped us when H still was in love with the FOW and wanted to D me for sure). We are being very open and honest about how we are feeling, what we are feeling, etc.

The coworker won't be back to work until Tuesday. We have our next MC appointment that day at 2. I am going to wait and see what happens when they talk, and I know we have a safe place at MC to communicate about it. She might come in and say nothing, pretend it didn't happen. She might tell him she can only be his friend. She might say she is going to leave her H for him. I don't know.

If I had to take a guess, she won't leave her H or her daughter. She is a very loyal, caring person. I think she will continue being H's friend. I hope she has told her H. My H is planning on asking her that, and encouraging her to be open and honest with him about their conversation.

Until then, I am just playing chicken with Big Sally. Because if I D now, before knowing for sure if we can make it work, I don't get what I want. If I wait and put in the work and make our R better and me better and our finances better, and it doesn't go my way, we D with more tools and resources and from a better place ~ and I still don't get what I want.

If I wait and it works out and my H becomes happy and healthy and knows himself, and we stay M'd, I get what I want. I can hold onto myself through this. 2 years ago, I couldn't. Now, I can. I am very clear on what is OK, and what is not OK. There are not many questions with my position on this matter.

So, as long as I can keep Big Sally at bay, I am going to wait and see what happens. All I have done is become open to my H exploring his feelings ~ with me, in MC, and perhaps with this coworker. The feelings with the coworker are still a gray area, because we didn't really have time to cover it yesterday. A lot of information to cover in 50 minutes. But I know we will next week.

Thank you all for stopping in and checking on me!

Spidey

Be sure to tell the OW's husband about this deep, intimate, blah, blah, blah bond that your husband feels for his wife.

For the past year, I have wanted to read this book outloud, together. I started it on my own, and found myself constantly wanting to call my H to talk about what I was reading. For some reason, I wanted it to be HIS idea. He had no idea I wanted that! So, yesterday, I asked him if he would be willing to try. We have never read a book together out loud before.

We got through the Acknowledgements, Introduction, and into Chapter 1. And we had some really great discussions about it all last night and this morning. I think I need to work on my Differentiation.

We posted at the same time. I think I might have answered your other questions.

I feel confident that if he doesn't know already, he will soon. My H and I are on the same page about that, surprisingly.

Spidey - I am just not understanding your logic. Are you saying your are alright with your H being friends with a women he may or may not be having an EA with? I understand the problem is not with her but your H, but I just don't get it. Am I missing something?

I feel the same way, Kloe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I guess that is what I am saying. First of all, I won't know for sure what is going on until he talks to her on Tuesday. If he talks to her on Tuesday. Second, we will have to go from there, and with the moderation of our MC.

Spidey - You must still be in a state of shock from all of this.

Maybe I am.

Prayers to you and your family. Hang in there Spidey. I have great faith in you.

Spidey, now and forever more... if I ask a question that's out of line in any way, please ignore me. Or better yet, yell at me first, THEN ignore me.

For the record, in case you didn't know...
you have a great big heart of gold, and a huge amount of determination and resolve.

HAVING said that, which I think is relevant...
I admit I'm a little confused, and worried about you. (is that ok?)


If your H came here, and explained himself with pull-out-all-the-stops-honesty --
what he's thinking, feeling, trying to figure out, planning to do, wanting to happen...
what do you think he'd say?

And why do you have so much faith in this MC?