This is a place I decided to write down my daily feelings ( I will try to keep it up- for my own piece of mind). The ups and downs of my recovery process. This is going to be my outlet instead of bottleing it up. This is by no means meant to be a pity party.

12/10/2004

I am so hurt today. I called H to wish him luck at his interview today, and he tells me it is cancelled, and is so short with me. He then goes on to be mad at me because my brother came over last night to babysit for an hour so I could go get H's Christmas present. Why does H have to hate all of my family. It is so hard on me. He said that I let my brothers kids trash his house (toy room yeah was a little messy- that is what it is THERE FOR!). He continued to tell me I have no respect for him or his house. That I was lazy and apparently his requests of a clean house means nothing to me. I started to tear up and he hung up on me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I wish H would just notice all that I do do.
Last night alone I got home from work at 4pm, made dinner (steak, potatoes and carrots- H complained about that too, as he said he told me he did not want steak, but I made it anyway- so he did not join us until 20 minutes later as he was playing a video game). I cleaned up the dishes, washed them, cleaned the kitchen and put away the wrapping paper H was using. I left to go get present, got home, helped DS7 with his homework, gave baths, did bedtime stories (got hit in the face with a flying board book thanks to Michael-- have a nice bruise now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) picked out clothes for the kids, tucked them in bed (6 times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) made lunches, did laundry and crawled in bed at 10pm- got awoken by H when he got home, tried to watch TV at his request with him but crashed. Was awoken later by DS4 who was having problems pooping and tried to help himself with his hands and then smeared poop everywhere (no better smell to wake up too!) got that cleaned up and DS4 back in bed to be awakened at 4:30 to DS4 who had crawled into bed with me (who knows when) and then had an "accident" and had to change the sheets and start more laundry. Back to bed and alarm off at 6am. but I am lazy.

On most nights I do not get to bed until midnight in order to get done what H thinks should be done on a daily basis. H then gets home at 12:30 and he wakes me up and I get to go back to sleep around 2-3am. I get up at 6. I am so physically and emotionally exhauseted, and I just want support from H.

I feel totally unappriciated and over worked. I feel like a lousy mother because I am so tired all the time and so busy trying to keep a clean house, that I am snapping at my children, and yelling at them almost daily now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I just want some Katie time.


I feel like I am a slave in my marriage at times. H has been trying, but I feel he expects to much from me. I did not make these children on my own. I should not be taking care of them on my own.

Today is Friday- I am on overload at work (this is my lunch break- Katie Time!!) I work at my other job tonight as well. i will not see my children until tomorrow at 5 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> when I get off of work. I am beginning to think that this is just not worth it. I work 6 days a week, 50+ hours plus the house.

H also told me yesterday to stop touching him, that he hates it. He wants to know why he can not talk to me with out me wanting to touch him. Well so sorry, you are never home, and I am so neglected, I just want some human touch that does not have chocolate on it (kids). I feel alone in a house of 5. I feel pulled in every direction. I want to just quit.

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

K,

You deserve better. The good will prevail!

Miker

Thanks Miker.

Note to self- stop wearing heart on sleve. Except the fact that you can't be perfect, you are human and are doing the best you can. Try not to think about the pain you feel inside, try to make it right. Try to make yourself proud. Except you probably will never be good enough for him. We can't go back, only forward. Make the best out of your hand. Nothing will change his feelings or how he feels he has to treat you. It should not be hard to talk to him. He is not trying to understand you.

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AYE!

KMEJ,

I'm sorry to hear how bad things have gotten. But..you KNOW what you need to do.

It's time to lay down the law. You told your husband once before that you would give him until March to get with the program. Are you going to hold him to that or not?

You DO deserve better. But you WON'T get better until you stand up for yourself. Why do you allow yourself to be treated that way? YOU are the only person with the power to change things.

I'm concerned about a couple of things.

First, didn't you say your H was reading your posts on this forum?

Second, you said H was making small steps forward. What happened?

Third, your last sentence really concerns me. You sound like a woman who is ripe for an affair.

One more thing...

Are you sure that he isn't involved in another affair? It certainly sounds like he is. The sudden "no touching" demand worries me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, didn't you say your H was reading your posts on this forum?
Second, you said H was making small steps forward. What happened?
Third, your last sentence really concerns me. You sound like a woman who is ripe for an affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I said that I think is reading them, however I have posted things that would make him comment, and he has not, so I do not believe he is, either way I need an outlet.

H is making small steps, helping with Christmas shopping and being better with the kids, and usually better with me- just today he is mad because my brother was over. It is such a rollercoaster ride. Yesterday he would not join us for dinner until his game was done, but then ate and wanted to play a quick game of connect 4 with me before he left for bowling. His emotions are so sparatic I feel caught in a whirlwind.

NO I am not at all interested in getting involved with anyone else. I know the pain it causes. The touch I want is from my H. I want to be made love to, not used for his release. I want to be kissed. I want to feel treasured, not like someones maid and door matt.

I do not think he is in an affair. He keeps talking about our future and how much better off we will be once he gets his new job and we can put the kids in daycare and have more of a normal family life. I hope so.

My post today is my feelings for today. Things change so fast with H I never know what to expect from day to day.

Thank you for your concern.

I am expecting more from H, I think that is why he is making steps to improve because his other behavior I was not excepting. Today just caught me off guard. I was not expecting him to be so upset about my brother watching our kids for an hour, and then telling me I do not respect him or his house. Please.

Hi KMEJ:

Although I've been a lurker on MB for a couple of years, I just had to post a reply to you.

Without going into a long personal history of my own, (maybe I'll get to that eventually), I am married to a man who has treated me in a very similar way to your husband. I've been reading your posts for a very long time. My husband has borderline personality disorder, and had behaved in a very similar fashion for years!

I know you are busy with your children, but have you tried reading about abusive relationships? I highly recommend Beverly Engel's "The emotionally abusive relationship", which gives great advise about changing the dynamics of the relationship, even if the other partner isn't willing.

Trying to get emotional support from a person like this is like trying to get water from a stone...I was so like you, struggling to please someone, who because of their psychology, can never be pleased.

By the way, I live in Minnesota too!

Thank you for posting to me. how did you move past it? How is your relationship now? How does one not let the other drain them so emotionally and physically in the name of love? H says he has to talk to me the way he does otherwise I do not listen. I told him to try and see what happens, he says I just need to except it that this is the way that he is and to deal with it. He will not change.

KMEJ,

You just described a man who is NOT helping with your kids.

Why are you willing to accept small steps like helping you with the shopping?

H is rarely home at the same times as me, due to his current work schedule. When he is home he has been asking the kids how their day was instead of ignoreing them, and has been helping with homework if asked. He did all the wrapping (which I do not like to do). And has been trying to be more consistant. They are small steps, but I see it as trying. I am having an off day. I do expect (or should I say want) more from him, but rome was not built in a day. i am trying to be paitent. Am I being too paitent?

Are you being too patient? Only you can answer that.

But..most people with a normal level of self-respect would probably not put with half of the crap you've told us about. Kids or no kids...you have sto stnad up for yourself.

By the way..what was your H interviewing for?

AndrewA- How would you like to see me stand up for myself. Maybe I am just not seeing the writeing on the wall. What do you think I should be doing? Maybe a man's perspective would help me see what I am doing wrong here. Thanks

He is interviewing to get his own resturant (as a manager- they are opening a new store of his chain and he wants the position, it is a promotion from what he is currently at and a raise in pay- the same posistion he had at his old company until he got caught dipping his pen in company ink).

KMEJ,

If you do ask he requests, and accept that this is the way he is, and that he will not..nor does he wish to change.

How do you feel about being married to him for the rest of your life?

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you do ask he requests, and accept that this is the way he is, and that he will not..nor does he wish to change. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure I am following the above statement,

However How do I feel about being married to him the rest of my life. On good days I do not think there is enough time on this earth to be with this man, and other days I wonder why I am even trying. I would rather he be more consistant. Treat me with respect, and be responsiable, He feels he does and thinks that I expect too much out of him. That I read to much into what he says and does, and that I need to take him at face value. Does that help?

"Dipping his pen in company ink?" What does that mean?

It's hard to tell a person how to stand up for themselves. Obviously, I don't know all of the particulars, other than what you told us.

Let me ask you this: what do you consider to be your limits? What is the worst thing that anyone could ever do to you?

Dipping his pen in company ink- simply means that he had an affair with one of his employees.

I am not sure what the worse thing someone could do to me, I think the affair took the cake.

I will think on that and get back to you. off for now.

KMEJ,

One of us is misconstruing events rather badly.

I am reading that you give him the information..that his method of interacting with you..or his actions re reconciliation..or what have you..are not acceptable..that you need more or better. And that he is communicating with 100% clarity "Too bad, this is who I am, deal with it."

If my interpretation is correct, what you have is a man who is not good enough..and not willing to change, and I am wondering..that if you embrace this as truth..how do you feel about being married to him for the rest of your life..waiting for change that he is point blank telling you is not going to happen.

You have a habit of making statements about his frank unwillingness to change..and then setting the olympic record for backpeddling when asked "ok..so what are you going to DO about it."

I hate to see you in the same exact place five years..ten years from now..but it looks and sounds like that is the likely outcome. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Noodle

So..KMEJ..he's already violated your ultimate limit. He had affair.

It's no wonder he doesn't show any respect for you. He doesn't have to.

A couple of questions for you:

1.) Does your H have a good relationship with his father?

2.) Was he mad about losing that other job? Does he blame you for losing it?

3.) Are you satisfied with the amount of money he earns? Is HE satisfied?