Noodle.

I need a conversation like the one you had some day too. Not yet though. I couldn't handle it yet and Squid couldn't tell me yet either.

I can see why this stuff takes years not days or months.

I am happy that you got what you needed. I pray you get closure from it.

{{{{noodle}}}}

Wife and I were driving back from her folks house last night (about 1.5 hour drive). We had an absolutely amazing weekend together, more in love than when we got married. Anyway, I told her that it would help me to put things behind us if I knew answers to my questions about the A, she agreed to tell me anything I wanted to know.

I asked every question that I have had bouncing around in my head for weeks now and she gave me honest answers. My imagination was so much worse than reality. For instance, I knew that they had PA one time. In my mind it was a very zen affair with romantic music, candles, orchestra..(who knows..you get the picture). Turns out, it was along the side of a country road in his truck, it sucked and they never did it again because she didn't want to...

Other things were similar...I feel so much better to know all the facts...he tried to call her once last Thursday afternoon...she said she saw the phone ring and had absolutely zero desire to answer it or talk to him, that's when she knew that all her feelings for me were back and stronger than ever.

Thank you, MB. I wouldn't be here without all of you!

Hi Noodle,

What a brave soul you are.If I had ever had the chance at a true reconciliation with my WH,I would deal with it along the lines that tummytuck would have.In my mind,there is no benefit to knowing details about such an abhorrent trauma.The benefit I see is moving beyond the details and into what went wrong with the WS,why was the choice made to commit adultery,not reviewing the disgusting encounters.

Kind of like the "lookiloos" who hold up traffic just to get a glimpse of all the carnage.I am one of those that keeps driving and says a prayer along the way.I find it disrespectful of those in such traumas to partake in the viewing.And as such,I find it disrespectful that a BS should have knowledge of such an abominable acts as in adultery.

It's imagery that a person(BS) should not have to endure in addition to the admission.But of course,this is my personal opinion and I know and understand why many here need the facts and recover better with them.To each his/her own.

Well,I certainly hope that this step you both have taken helps you toward a more meaningful and solid recovery.Keep us updated.


O

Thank you to all who have replied.

To answer a few questions..

Yes, I was prepared to forgive anything..just a personality quirk that makes it an imperative that I look such things full in the face and flinch or not but continue on my chosen path intimately knowledgeable.

I also am prepared to forgive OW if and when she is prepared to receive it. I signed the check..discussed the terms of agreement with God..and I really think that if Satan can improbably arrange for a meeting between OW and H then God can do the reverse and then some. If she comes and asks for my forgiveness..that will indicate that the work has already been done.

Even a very wise person can not predict all ends..or even most with any accuracy. The wheel is turning and I'm not sitting on the sidelines any longer for fear of skinned knuckles.

Noodle

I hope the day will come when I can forgive OM. Right now, I am not there. The fact that he tried to call my wife last Thursday after three weeks NC really shows me his true stripes.

I have moved beyond thoughts of beating him to pulp every hour...now just about once a day... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

HH

Heh, I didn't say that I HAVE forgiven her..just that I am prepared if it ever becomes appropriate. In order for me to consider it appropriate some extraordinary events would have to take place..and I have no doubt that it is entirely possible although unlikely.

This woman is a predator..plain and simple. I had suspected before..but the details confirmed it for me.

Until and unless something miraculous occurs in her life..she can [as Bob Pure has said] die in a hole full of $h*t..just make sure I get a ticket. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Noodle

Geezus, I'm sobbing like a baby reading this! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

As a FWS, these are the words I long to hear from my BS/WW. I'm pretty sure the day is coming, she has to dump her OM first of course...and it won't be easy from there...but reading your post made me realize there IS hope when there is true love.

Thanks Noodle, I really honestly thank you profusely for this post.

:::::Until and unless something miraculous occurs in her life..she can [as Bob Pure has said] die in a hole full of $h*t..just make sure I get a ticket.

Phew! Thought you were going soft on us for a while!

AN

NEVER!

Noodle,

What can I say, a mind as analytical as yours yet compassionate, and fragile. Admit it, you have a soft, emotional part in that head of yours somewhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I also think maybe someday if I ever get there I would need to know that I knew all and forgave all. I know that God will help me to forgive, forgetting I've come to the conclusion that will never happen for me.

Good on ya Noodle!!

Yes, but many have tried and failed..you'll never find it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Seriously though..I am a passionate person..just don't make decisions based on it, except that I do.

Sound complicated? It is complicated. Consider this.we say.."do not make decisions based on your emotions..make decisions based on facts" and we are right..ah, but which facts..that is where the rubber meets the road..and that is where we..all of us..make our decisions 100% based on what we *feel*.

Without emotion..fact has no significance..no meaning. I have to care that A + B = C and A + E does not in order to make a choice. In the absense of emotion *my car is green* and *I have a child* have the same relative value.

A person must have a predetermined goal..a set of supraemotions if you will..things that we value so highly that we are willing to dismiss other emotions regardless of sincerity in order to maintain the staus quo. These have the power of veto..and such is my case.

People warn that this will not end the pain..indeed..it has magnified it as I have now fully engaged. I have plugged in the remaining bits of myself. Where once I heard a low hum..and recognized it as a heartcry..with a choice and an action..a whiff of ozone, a crackle of reconnection and the ensuing sonic boom both glorious as my stifled and oxygen starved cells were once more infused with life,I fill my skin completely [think..the difference between the vaguely noticable backround music at Target VS front row seats at a performance of carmina burana]... and ominous as I realize that there is no such thing as a FBS. FWS certainly..but I am stained for life.

What is lost..is lost utterly. What is left, is the [censored] second cousin to what could have been..should have been..but will never be. Not if I leave him, not if I stay.

He has laid the tracks, made the changes, alterred his course and he is sorry .

So $h*t or get off the pot. I never expected to come out on the other end of my life unscathed. I am almost more offended by the stupidity of it than I am the betrayal..if that can possibly be comprehended. Seems like a long way to walk only to arrive at the previously assumed conclusion [we live as man and wife..raise kids..etc].

A few changes though..same wording..different meaning entirely. How odd that such a thing could be possible. Not unlike our future together. Ironic.

I will never again accept my marriage as a given.

I will never again accept my marriage as a given.

I choose to risk.

Noodle

<small>[ December 14, 2004, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong> ... and ominous as I realize that there is no such thing as a FBS. FWS certainly..but I am stained for life.

What is lost..is lost utterly. What is left, is the [censored] second cousin to what could have been..should have been..but will never be. Not if I leave him, not if I stay.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's why I have to look at it differently. We were married originally at a little wedding chapel in June. I told my fww last night that I would like to go there and renew (read start over) our vows this June if things continue to improve as I would hope. She wants to do that as well, but doesn't really understand the significance to me.

As far as I am concerned, my marriage is over, trashed, vows shattered, not worth a sh*t. What I am left with is someone who does love me, who is very remorseful for destroying that bond and who I love very much. For me to be able to recommit myself fully to such a situation, I need to get to know her again, decide I want to be married to her again, and then get married. From that starting block, I can forge a new life and marriage.

I know it sounds like ridiculous symbolism to some, but it's the only way I can keep from seeing it as Noodle does..for I feel she is correct in her assessment...