myrta,- i think i will wait until the drive to the girls game tomorrow, to talk to her about e-mailing you. i think that would be a good time tfor us to talk about it.

ARJDAD- I Think that will be good, if she feels like there is a chance that she might lose you. Let her feel a bit uncertain about you, remember, they mystery is always alluring to people. There is no chance that she will re=start her affair with her OM, since he is taking care of his sick wife. But if she sees that she might lose you, she might snap out of her "feeling sorry " state that she is right now.

Its a good thing that you will have that time alone with her on the way to your girls game. Shortly after DD my husband and I drove to my sisters house , 4 hours away from us. We talked non-stop, it was a good bonding time!!!

Good Luck!!!

Myrta

P.S. Whenever you think is the right time to
tell her about e=mailing, is fine with
me. Just tell me when!!!

Arjdad:

If you check the MB site you will find some chilling info about affairs.

It turns out that affair participants get so involved that they fall in love in pretty much the same manner you and I fell in love with our wives. That is a scary thought, but it is the sad reality.

They fall in love, but there is a difference. Their romance is built on a fantasy and it is conducted in secrecy and it requires deceit, lying, and cunning behavior. All these qualities create a romance that is highly obsessive, much more so than with a normal romantic relationship in the open. In the affair every single meeting is precious and short-lived. Every phone call is made in secrecy, the emails are love letters and depict dreams and castles built in the air.

The affair itself requires some detachment from reality, and PAINFULLY it also requires the WW to become detached from the BH. If the WW does not become detached from the BH the affair cannot move forward. All of this happens gradually and often the WW does not realize what she is doing.

In my case my wife became distant, but she assumed I was the one becoming distant . As normal human beings we return distant behavior with distant behavior of our own. Therefore I responded in a similar manner, that is quite normal.

The love making which was a couple of times a week drifted to once a week and then once every two weeks. I asked my wife about it and she thought I did not initiate in bed. She was in deep fog! I was initiating, but she was rejecting me in subtle and not so subtle ways and I adapted to her new routine. All of this takes time, it does not happen overnight. At the same time that WW pulls away from H she gets emotionally closer to OM. When the time comes to have SF with OM there is no hesitation--------------- all those months of intense romance have created the ideal situation. This is the longest foreplay ever and not only that. It is likely they tried to stay away from each other many times and always came back to the affair (this is the addiction component). So by the time they decide to consummate the affair there is no hesitation. They say to themselves, this must be love and must be the right thing to do------------------------ after all we tried real hard to break up and could not do it. .

Then D-day comes around and we expect the WWs to forget OM and to re-attach themselves to the BH with one phone call to the OM saying it is over. It is not that easy----- trust me.

Sadly your WW has to mourn the loss of OM and then try to rekindle her relationship with you.

Let me tell you something Arjdad:

I don’t think my wife was as madly in love as many other FWWs. But, even them it must have been hard for her to turn OM off and restart the relationship with me in one instant. Myrta is exceptional in that she found a way to do it and worked hard at it. She understands the affair was a fantasy, a game, and not the real thing. But, she still had to deal with the changed brain chemistry that induces feelings of intense romance and obsession.

It is likely that your wife was in love with OM and detached from you. This is a big blow to your ego. It certainly was for me. But, you must understand that this is all about brain chemistry and the propagation of the human species.. That may sound like love, but it is really lust. On d-day Myrta was able to instantly recognize the difference between lust and LOVE. She did not LOVE OM---------- she had LUST and it surely felt like love.

You said that the two of you were never that sexual even before the affair. At some point you have to work on that and try to find out what are the ENs of your wife. I suspect she may have some low self-esteem (almost all WWs do despite tremendous achievements) and she may need work in that area. RE-read the emails from OM. I bet there are words that he said over and over that had a major impact on your wife. Use those words yourself--- after all they are not copyrighted.

Do me a favor:

Tell your wife you know she is in withdrawal and that it is a perfectly normal thing. BTW, my wife hid the withdrawal from me and always denied it (she felt it would be hurtful to me). BTW, Myrta also resisted MB. However, I kept emailing her info from MB as well as what posters were saying about the state of our marriage.

arjdad,

Just wanted to pop in here to tell you that I'm a FWW, and I came to this board a few months ago, in despair. Myrta and Stanley both were GREAT and helped me through a lot. Everything they're telling you is right on the money.

I wish you and your wife well. Keep on posting and reading, and if it gets to be too much for you to handle, take a little break and then come back. If and when your wife comes here, Myrta and I (and other FWW's and even BS') will welcome her. It's a great supportive bunch here.

Take care.

CC

thanks for all the help guys. myrta, i still plan on talking to her tonite about talking to you.hopefully she will be receptive to the idea. stan-ley, i know that all A's are built in fantasy land. i cant re-read the e-mails because the first time we went to MC after discovery, she said she felt like i was holding them over her head so she had no choice but to try to work it out if she didnt want me to tell everybody she is anadulter. i told her i didnt want her to feel this way, so when we got home i shredded them in front of her...... buttercup, feel free to speak up anytime, i can use all the help and support i can get. myrta and stan-ley have been very helpful to me also.i hope i can get my wife to at least come aboard to read the posts' if nothing else for now. gotta get back to work, thanks for caring arjdad

ARJDAD---Thats a good thing you got rid of those e-mails. My husband also "saved" some of e-mails with OM for a long time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It made me quiete angry, because he was just hurting himself over and over and quoting things from them to throw in my face. I told him that he had to get rid of them that it was not healthy for him to keep on reading and re-reading.

I hope everything goes well tonight in your car ride to your girls bb game.

I hope you are having a good day. Now I am on my way to Christmas Shopping!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Talk to you later!

MYRTA

myrta,-i couldn't take reading them anymore any way. i know she had sex with him, and i don't want or need details. actually, i have been trying to foget some of what i did read. i just want to move forward with the M now. patiently waiting for her to get over w/drawal. i think wwe will have a good time tonight.i try to stay optimistic, and we really do enjoy watching the girls play ball. i think today i saw part of my wife's playful side i have not seen in a long time.not sure if it was that or wishful thinking, but it made me feel good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i hope you found some good sales shopping today, and everything went well for you. thanks again for all your help, arjdad

ARJDAD- I Am glad you did not want to read those e-mails anymore. Very different than my husband, he wanted to read all of them, plus he wanted me to tell him all the gory details of the affair!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I am glad you are seing her playful side coming out again. It will happen,Arjdad, not as fast as you want, but it will <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Just be patient. Your old wife will be back and everything will go back to "almost normal". I guess normality takes a bit longer, we are not there yet, but everyday we are closer.
I hope you and her can talk a lot tonight and you have a good time watching your daughters, thats always fun.
I found lots of good buys today. But I am still not finished. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Take care.

MYRTA

myrta,-- we had a good time at the game tonite. our d scored the last basket of the game and her team won. she played the best game she ever has. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> the wife and i got along really well and had lots of good conversATIOn. i could'nt get up the nerve to talk to her about e-mailing you, i did'nt want to end the relaxed atmosphere we were enjoying.i tthink maybe we will talk about it at MC tomorrow. i don't know what else we will talk about. sat. we are all going christmas shopping as a family, thatb should be fun. i am glad you found some good buys, and wish you luck on finishing up. thanks for the support,.....arjdad

ARJDAD- I am so happy you had such a good time with your wife watching your girls scored. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I agree with you, tonight was not the time to bring the subject of your wife calling me. YOu dont have to talk to her about affair related subjects all the time. Yes, do it tomorrow while in the marriage counseling. Its more appropriate.

I hope everything goes well in the appointment .
Arjdad, dont be afraid of telling or asking your wife whatever comes to your mind. Just be gentle,subtle and it will be fine.

Good luck..

MYRTA

arjdad,

Just wanted to wish you luck with your marriage counseling session tomorrow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CC

myrta and buttercup, thank you both for the encouragement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> it really helps alot. should i push for her to make more effort in the M, or should i just keep backed off and be patient? it is 8 weeks and 3 days since DD and NC. sometimes it does seem like she is coming around a little bit, i don't want to blow it. i would love to give her a big hug and tell her ily, but i have not touched her or said that since last sat. when myrta said i should back off and give her space. very hard to do, but i am. i do still worry that she will think i dont care and that i dont love her if i back off to much. but our MC tells me i should give her space and time also. thanks again, arjdad

ARJDAD--YOu dont have to fear that she will think you dont love her. She knows you love her, otherwise you would be gone!!! She knows you love her a lot, thats part of the guilt that we FWWs go thru. We realize a bit too late , the magnitude of the love from our spouses. Dont worry, she knows.

Again, I hope everything goes well with the marriage counselor tomorrow. Why dont you ask the counselor first about the idea of your wife calling me? See what she says.

Take care..

MYRTA

myrta, last monday, when i went to MCalone, i told her about MB and this site and she thought it would do the wife some good to join us here. i don't know if she will see us seperately tomorrow or not. sometimes, she talks to us alone first, then we finish the session together. i guess i will just bring it up and see what happens. she is so far behind in work right now, i think she will say she don't have time. thats when i want to ask her to put as much effort into our M, as she does into her work! hopefuuly, i can get you two talking and you can help her understand what she is going thru. do you think i should tell her i know she is in w/drawal, and that i understand? or should i just keep quite for now and play it by ear? see what happens? she does seem to laugh more lately, and as busy as she is, we are still doing MC tomorrow, and she did agree to go shopping with us saturday. our oldest daughter is soph.. in high school, going to a dance sat. nite <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i can't believe she is this old. at least she is just going w/ her girlfriends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . she doesn't have a bf, but she can't date til 16 anyway. so we will have to be home kinda early sat. afternoon.the wife has a bad back, so she can't shop too long anyway. i am looking forward to it. thanks for listening, arjdad

ARJDAD-- HI,I hope you are doing well today, ready for your appointment with your wife and counselor. I hope it all goes well. Ok then, if you already talked about this site to the marriage counselor and she thought it was ok, then I guess you can tell your wife about me as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
ArJ- When my husband used to say to me that I was in withdrawal, I would get angry and I deny it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I did not like hearing that word, it seemed creepy to me. So I dont know if your wife will feel the same like me. But I surely despised that word.
Is sweet when kids become teenagers and they start going to dances and stuff. Although a bit scary too. I have a twelve year old in seventh grade (my youngest) and she goes to a catholic school and they have dances every Friday!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I think that is sooooo excessive. So far, she just went to the first one, and I dont think I am going to let her go until 8th grade. Too many kids, too much chaos, too loud music. Did not liked the scene!! She is becoming kind of rebelious, well actually moody and I get kind of taken aback with that new attitude. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But yes, they do grow and mature fast. Faster than you want. Enjoy them, especially those little ones that you still have, I guess the 6 year old. Thats such a cute age.

Good luck today and post as soon as you can when you get back and let us know how it went!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MYRTA

myrta-- just back from MC, and not feeling so well. i always feel down after MC. today i said i was still optimistic about the M, and she said it was hard for her to be optimistic when she has felt detached from me for so long. even way before the A. she started crying and said she was scared the kids were going to find out . i don't know how they would, nobody here knows about it except my sister. i dont know if this is fog talk, or not. it feels like she is pushing me away, trying to get me to leave her. obvious from our MC meeting she is still in pretty heavy w/drawal.this is one of those times when i just feel tike throwing in the towel. i dont know if the pain could be any worse. but i love her so much, i can't imagine life w/out her. i csn't imagine starting over at40. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> i need some major encouragement here. on the way home, i ask her what she was thinking about, she said what we talked aboutin MC. i thought if she wanted to think i would just be quiet and let her. we didnt speak again all the way home. about 30 minutes, long ride in silence. it seems like if i dont start talking, we dont talk.anyway i guess mostly what i figured out is she is in w/d still. we talked about her joining us here, or talking to you one on one, but she is not ready. MC said she needs someone else to talk to besides her once a week. i agreed, but idont think she will yet. gotta go watch older d play ball, i will check in later,...arjdad

ARJDAD---Oh, I am sorry the counseling session did not go like you were expecting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Maybe you were too optimistic about the outcome. Dont put your expectations so high while she is in the fog. YOu will be very dissapointed, many times more. Arjdad, tell your wife, that all of the WWs were very unatached (or felt) way before the affair happens. Thats why we get involved in affairs, because obviously we are missing something, we are not fully connected with our spouse. I can simpathize with her fear for the kids finding out about the affair, or any other people. To me thats the most terrifying thing still. If my kids find out, they will hate me for sure. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Thats a scary thought that will come to her mind many times.

I know you think she is pushing you away, I did that to my husband to, or he thought I did that. But that is not the case. Arjdad, we just feel so bad, unworthy, that we think that you are going to leave us anytime. We are very fearful of that prospect. ArJ...your wife is so scared, I wish she would really talk and express herself here or with me. She can see that she is not alone with what she feels. We all go thru the same things, the same process, some slow ,some faster.

Dont lose hope with your marriage. Two months is really not that long. She needs more time to digest everything that is going on inside of her. She needs time to make sure, that you had truly forgivven her. She is scared!!

Dont feel too bad, all BS here have gone thru what you are going to. Just hang in there, loving your wife, even if you think there is a big gap between you two. Each day will get smaller. Although some days, you give one step to the front and two back. But is a normal process you are going thru.

Good luck Arjdad, you are a great husband!!!

MYRTA

myrta- you are very encouraging, but i am afraid right now that i am the least optimistic i have been yet. she says she has felt de tached from me for several years before the A. i don't know if we can recapture the feeling <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> i am trying to tell mysself that this is fogspeak, but i am having trouble convincing myself. i guess she is still willing to try, but i think only so no one finds out.i don't know how much longer i can do this.thanks,.....arjdad

myrta- also, i don't think she is afraid i will leave her. i think that is what she wants. if i leave, i will look like the bad guy if nobody knows about her A. but, i will go down with this ship, i won't raise my hands up and surrender, there will be no white flag above my door, i'm in love, and always will be... help me if you can, anybody,....arjdad

arjdad,

Let me jump in here for a second, even though Myrta is doing a great job of explaining things. Right now your wife is in SERIOUS withdrawal. I agree NOT to even say that word to her. I was offended by it. She's very sad. I don't even think that she's guilt-ridden yet. She's not thinking clearly and I doubt that she has any plan in mind concerning your marriage.

You should stop looking at things as though they're a reflection on you or your marriage. Right now she's very, very sad. I'm SURE that you're extremely sad and worried right now too. The best that you could do is just to do what you'd normally do within your day. Try not to smother her or ask too many questions. She'll come around. It takes a lot of time.

MC is tough at first. I cried and cried after it, every time. I thought that things would instantaneously be 'fixed' and that doesn't happen right away. Keep in mind that your wife wants to go to MC with you. That's a good sign.

Chin up. We're all hear if you need to talk. Take care!

CC