arjdad,

Sometimes you sound as cute as a high school kid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Can't believe you're feelin' butterflies over whether or not you'll get a kiss tonight. Cute!

Anyway, here's my two cents... You're thinking too much again! If you want to hug her, do it. If she's not receptive, then you'll know to pull away. Don't ask her-that made me upset when my H did that too. If I'm not in the mood to be physical, I'll tell him. You don't know until you try!

What you said about your W and about your M is right! This is the time to work on the M. The M is more than the sum of your children, or just an excuse so that you're not embarassed to release info about the A. I'm SURE that your wife still cares about you and she still wants to be in the M, otherwise she would have left. Staying together just so that she doesn't have to let people know she had an A is not a viable reason to stay, and I'm sure that she knows that!!

This is the time for her to reflect on why she had the A. A time to find out what she was lacking in her life. A time to find out how you lost that connection that enabled her to turn to someone else. A time to think back on what drew you 2 together in the first place, and to see if she (and you) still want that. That's why IC helps and so does MC.

Relax, you're doing fine! Hope you have a great time tonight. Drive carefully. I'm always SO learly of the drunks on the road!!!!! Have fun! Happy New Year's Eve!!

CC

buttercup,

i know you are right, i am thinking to much. this time off work has been good and bad. sometimes, too much time to think.yesterday i took the daughters and 1 friend each into town to shop and spend christmas money. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> to the mall with 4 teenage girls. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> the wif e didn't go because she was working, but i had a good time. the girls and i had lunch, then i dropped them off at the mall entrance and parked. all three groups had cell phones, so we didn't have to stay together. i know they didn't want old dad around in the mall <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , but i am ok with that.the wife really did want to go.when i got home i told her she missed a good time.i didn't mean it as a LB, and i don't think she took it that way.

i know this is the time to reflect on why this happened, but when the MC ask her what she needs, she says she doesn't know. she doesn't know what her EM'S are. i am just trying to do the best i can, with what i think they are. i think that we both still want the M, and i am planning on encouraging her to try IC. we are both still going to MC. i don't think she would go if she didn't want this to work.

i know what you mean about drunks, i am very leary also. but we don't live in town so we won't see much traffic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . actually, this time of year here, you worry about hitting a dear. 3 years ago, i hit 3 in2 months <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> at work they called my car th "deer slayer".

anyway i hope everyone has a great new years eve, and a even better 2005. i know we can all get thru these things. thanks everyone for the help and encouragement these last 2 months. don't think i could have made it w/out you.


stan-ley and myrta, if you are there, i want you to know that i am thinking about you, and praying for you and your situation. good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> arjdad

hey arjdad,

Hope you have a nice time tonight! Stanley, Myrta and their children are going out too. It's just hitting me that I'll be home tonight. Usually we get invited to a few parties, but this year we didn't. I'm afraid I pretty much abandoned a few friends of mine and now that I have time on my hands, they've taken up with other friends. I don't mean to cry about it-after all I'm the one who kept my distance while I was in the A, but now I'm seeing the fallout of that.

I'm also feeling very sad about missing my best friend. A aside, she was my best friend, and I miss touching base with her, knowing how she and her family are, knowing what's going on in her daily life. We'd always "meet up" online after midnight, just to talk for a bit, and I'll miss that a lot tonight. I guess I'm just feeling really sad, but that's what New Year's always does to people anyway!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

CC

buttercup,-

you can make the most of your situation at home. maybe ringing in the new year alone with just the two of will be a nice change <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . i will be home late, i will get on and check on you if you are on.

i am glad to hear stanley and myrta are going out with family, they deserve a break! i hope and pray that thier sitch. works out ok.

i am sorry you miss your friend, but like you said, thats part of the fallout. that is one thing my wife and OM said, that they were like best friends. so i know that is hard on her too.

i know this is a sad time of year sometimes, but lets make the best of 2005.

thanks for helping thru the last 2 months.

arjdad

buttercup,-

i am curious if you know if stanley-myrta will be posting anymore? i haven't seen anything from them in a couple of days. i hope allthe negative responses on thier thread didn't run them off. i have myrta's e-mail, but i don't want to bug them right now. i just hope they are ok.

arjdad

p.s. i realize they may just be busy, i hope that is the case

arjdad,

I'm SURE that Myrta and Stanley will post again. They've just been busy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'll try to check for you later. If not, have a good night...

CC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm SURE that Myrta and Stanley will post again. They've just been busy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Arjdad:

We have been busy with work and the holidays. In addition the OM managed to create havoc in our household by stepping up his contact with Myrta’s family (probably a stalker in the making). But, now things are returning back to normal. I pray to God that we have no more intrusions from this individual.

CC: I believe my wife emailed pics from last nite 2005 party.

I hope all of you have a happy 2005 and that all your wishes come true.

God Bless

Arj: Let me know if you have any other question. It seems that your talk with WIFE went well.

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Stan-ley ]</small>

stan-ley,-
i know you guys have been busy with the holidays, and i kept up with your OM situation on your thread. i hope and pray that he wakes up and things work out well for you and myrta. i was glad to hear you all went out together last night. i hope you all had a good time.

the talk with wife did go pretty well, at least i got the chance to tell her how i felt. thanks for the push. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> now, i will just have to try to be patient and see what happens. i am optimistic for the new year.

we had a good time at new years eve party at my bro. and sil house last night. played games and ate too much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> got home at 2 a.m., and the kids slept in until 6y.o. woke up at 10:30. latest he has ever slept. good day to do it tho. i got up and made biscuits and gravy and chocalate chip pancakes,i am the worlds greatest dad,[at least in this house]lol. now we are just being lazy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

happy new year everyone who has helped me along. i hope the new year is the best ever for each of you. thanks

arjdad

Hi Arj,

Well I'm sooo glad for you. I take comfort in all the success stories on the boards. You look like your on your way to becoming a Vet that has triumphed through adversity.

Course there is a long way to go for all of us.

Native.

native,-
good to hear from you. i hope you had a good holiday season,[all things considered].

i don't know if i would call mine a success story yet, like you said there is a long way to go.she does seem a little more receptive to my affection, tho we still seem a long way from sf. i am ok with that right now because it feels like we are making progress.i just hope i am right. i am sure you know what i mean when i say i second guess myself a lot. i never knew you could feel so good and "up" at one moment and so down the next. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> but i try to remember, " what don't kill us makes us stronger".

i hope your situation improves in the new year, maybe by next christmas, we can be helping others thru this. tho i wouldn't wish this on anyone, we all know it happens all the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

anyway, happy new year, and keep me posted on your sitch,

arjdad

Well I'd call it a success story. Look at the postives bro!! Your giving and receiving affection thats good, you know the SF will come. What is SF again, can somebody remind me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yeah we all know about the rollercoaster. I have to admit it that I'm still on it, it's just the highs and lows are not near as severe.

We will survive, and like you said be able to help others.

Native

native,-
i can gaurentee you that i can't tell you what SF is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . lol

i know i should concentrate on the positives, thanks for the reminder. i said in a previous thread that sometimes maybe i look for to big of a sign. like you have told me, small steps, small victories.rome wasn't built in a day. i always hated that saying, seeing how i am generally not very patient. but i am learning.

as far as the roller coaster thing, when i was a kid, they always made me sick, i guess some things never change <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

keep up the good work at your end, and come here if you want/need to talk, or if you ever think of advice for me. i need all the help/encouragement i can get.

arjdad

Yeah I saw that post of yours about your patience. Well as part of you becoming a stronger, better, more patient man. At least you can find something in yourself to work on. We all need to do that. Slow and steady buddy.

Good luck, your in my prayers.
Native

native,- yeah, i know, slow and steady. easier said then done. but it is getting easier. maybe the thought of making progress is helping. thanks for the encouragement.

buttercup,-

happy new year. i hope you had a good night. want to talk about it? i had a good time, nothing spectacular, but we had fun. there was actually a time or two that we were laughing and she reached out and patted me or rubbed my arm. it was probably no big deal, but it felt nice to me. hopefully, she wasn't just "acting" for the family.

anyway, have a good day,. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

arjdad

Hey Arjdad!

Your night sounded like it went well. I'm happy for you.

Mine was kinda crazy! My sister came to pick up my son-they're pretty close. I ended up going home with them. I was itching to go out and not just stay home again. Been housebound all week with H feeling so sick. I asked him a million times if this would be okay. I felt kinda guilty leaving him here with our daughter, alone, on New Year's Eve. It was the first time that he and I would have been apart for New Year's and it felt strange, but he assured me that he'd just be sleeping in very early anyway. So, off we went.

Ended up taking us over 2 hours to get to her place-with traffic and all. Crazy night! We had quick take-out and hunkered down to enjoy the night. We 3 played Texas Hold Em, which was fun, and then we got into pajamas, called my H and hung out. H told me that our daughter's boyfriend came over there and they were watching movies. He was going to take the boyfriend home shortly before midnight. I felt badly for H, being on the road at midnight (I'm such a romantic sap!). Anyway, we hear a knock at my sister's place and go to find my H and daughter at her doorstep! They dropped the boyfriend off and came by there to ring in the new year with us! That was unexpected and I felt happy. I truly missed him! I wanted to go back home with him, but he said, "No, stay-you're already settled in. I'll see you in the morning!". So, that's what we did.

We spent part of today with my parents and grandmother, and went out to a nice dinner with them.

Doesn't compare to a black tie event, but it certainly was eventful enough! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Hope everyone else had a nice New Year's Eve and day today!

(Stanley, I just got home, so I'm gonna check out those pics now! Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

CC

butteercup,--

your night does sound kinda crazy. i only had to drive about 10 minutes each way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
i did get a happy new year hug and kiss when we got home, even tho i had to instigate it, she seemed pretty receptive. we all slept in today, then she went to her office to work, and just came out about an hour ago.i think she is watching "runaway bride", but doesn't really seem like she wants company. she may just be tired tho.[hopefully]

just curious, how old are your kids? not sure i am ready to think about my girls having a boyfriend! right now the youngest shows no interest, and the oldest is way into b-ball and hanging out with her gf's. thats fine with us!

guess i will go try to be sociable, don't want her to think i am ignoring her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i will try to check in later,

arjdad

ArJdad--Well, I am happy you got your midnight kiss last night!! Who initiated the kiss? It was very sweet of you , just like Buttercup said, that you were so looking forward to the kiss <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . YOu are a very special man, Arjdad, dont ever forget that! Your wife is not blind and she soon realized what a gem for a husband she has, no one will want to lose you. Have faith in your marriage to her, and what you had before the Affair and all the problems started. Thats still there, and even though she is not showing to you what you want yet, she will do it eventually.

But try to be a bit indifferent still with her. Dont give her to much attention, because she is still is not too receptive to it. It takes several months for that feeling to come back. I think the first 3 or 4 months, you rather have a bit of indifference from the BS. I was scared that if I talk too much with Stanley, it will lead us to a fight or something negative. So I prefered him ignoring me a bit. I really did not know what to say to him, to make him feel better.
I could not fake what I was not feeling yet, so I preferred staying quiet and not talk to him. Of course, that irritated him, but I just had to do it that way. Its hard, Arj.

So you had a good time at your sister's last night, that sounds good. The 6 year old stayed up so late? We had a really good time. We went to a black tie event, for New Years! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . But my husband did not wear a blk tie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . But we danced and eat turkish food. All my daughter were there with us, so it was very sweet too. Stanley and I forgot our problems while we were there having fun, pretending that everything was perfect for a night! We got back around 1:30.

So here we are in 2005, lets hope that this year brings all of us more peace and happiness and more understanding of each other!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Take care

MYRTA

arjdad,

You sound like my H tonight!! We were eating a snack in front of the TV, trying to both choose a movie. He likes more scary/violent things and I like girly-girl movies. I chose "Runaway Bride" too. We watched it for about an hour and he was falling asleep, so finally I told him that he could watch what he wanted while I did some laundry and went online. He just seems like a lost puppy tonight, but it's because he still doesn't feel well.

My daughter is 16, and we've allowed her to start dating at 15. She went on "dates" with other friends and couples, and they were never alone. Even now, we check in on her when he's here! My son is 14, but he's not dating yet. He's the one I'll probably worry more about ! LOL

Hope you're enjoying your evening. I'll check back for you!

CC

myrta,-

glad you had a good time last night. it is good to be able to forget your troubles and worries sometimes if only for a little while.

something you said caught my attention. " have faith in your M and what you had before the affair and all the problems started". that is what part of the problem is right now. the problems started before the A. i have to go back before the A and try to figure out what went wrong. i don't think the A is as much of a problem right now as just trying to figure out how to make her "fall in love with me again".

i forgive her for the affair, and she said the other night that she knows what she should do, stay married and fall back in love, i just don't know how to get there from here.

do you think we can get the love back if she has felt dis-connected for a few years before the A? i do think trying to meet her en's without expecting much is working. thanks for your support.

arjdad

ArjDAD--When she tells you that she felt detached from you even prior to the affair, how do you remember those times? Did you feel she was detached from you? She could be telling you that to excuse her affair in front of your eyes!! Arj.. I feel very bad because of the affair, I am sure she does too. She is looking for excuses that will make her feel less guilty .

Is funny that you ask that question about feelings! Just yesterday, my husband posed that question to me. He doubts that our relationship can become a loving one again. Even though we are doing pretty good. We have regular SF, loving gestures, we talk a lot. But he still doubts my intentions every once in a while. Especially after the OM trying to infiltrate himself into my family back in my country. That set us a few steps back in our recovery.

But going back to your question, I do think things can become beautiful again. I think your wife will love you again and see how lucky she is to have you as a husband. Just continue depositing those love units on her and eventually she will suddenly wake up .
Dont lose hope ever!!! Remmeber only DEATH is not fixable or repairable. Everything else can be fix, or improved!!! She is your wife, the mother of your kids, and YOU are her husband not the OM. He is the past, YOU are her present and future.

Keep on being supportive ,but yet not pushy and the magic will eventually take over!!!

Myrta