She hasn't had contact with him outside of work for at least 10 days. They still work together and i have no idea how that works.

so that's 100% contact...

do you need to go home to sleep..
will she be there....

in the am.....or
when you wake up

ark

She won't be there until late tonight. I bet she will get home as late as possible.
and to think... I just bought her christmas presents when I found out she was spending the night somewhere else where the OM was!!!!!!@ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

anyway.. I might have time to talk to her after we put the kid to bed.... I don't know if I want to...

can you go get your son and do something wonderful and special with him....

take him to the movies..
or build a gingerbread house of graham crackers...
or go bowling or something fun...

let her come home to a home filled with love and joy and dad and son...doing things without her...

be happy to see her...
hey moms home!!!!...smile smile...

ASK NOTHING....
SAY NOTHING...

but pleasant idle chit chat...

then after son to bed..either you go to bed or rent a movie you want to see...

engage in no serious talk...
be loving and kind...but pull back the tiniest bit...

I would think she is expecting something from you
some type of reaction....

you gotta figure out what she expects..
and give the opposite...

ark

interesting... I'll apply that theory and see how it goes, I just hope I can hide the pain I'm feeling now.. maybe if I don't think about it, the growing knot in my stomach will subside.

Fighting,

First, accept that your wife made a special point to help painting because she knew OM would be there and she wanted to see him.

Secondly, the painting went on long enough for her to make what she thinks was a believeable excuse to extend her time with him.

Thirdly, she spent the night with him and, yes, she slept with him.

These are givens. But you already know that in your heart.

So now that she has dragged you through hot coals this weekend and abandoned both you and her son so she could play, what is the appropriate response?

I think having a nice family time between you and your son, and doing something to get the two of you in the Christmas spirit is a wonderful idea. But, as you said, she'll delay her return home as late as possible, so whatever "homey" scene might be lingering at that time probably won't have its intended affect.

Is she stalling until just before you have to go in to work? Will she show up just as you are leaving? Is that her game?

Well, two can play at that. Call in sick, today. Plan to have a great time with your son. And when she returns, you sit her down and tell her you know she didn't have to go help do the painting -- that she wanted to see OM. That though the painting might have gone long, she could have excused herself to come home at least to be with son -- and she chose not to. And that when she told you she was spending the night, that it really meant she was going to sleep with OM.

She'll deny all of this, of course. Or, she'll just be quiet. DO NOT GET IN AN ARGUMENT ABOUT THE FACTS. Let her defend herself and babble herself until she's blue in the face. Resist every urge to make her be honest... she isn't capable of honest right now.

Do your best to meet her ENs and not to lovebust. But I am also recommending you go straight to gentle radical honesty. I think she needs to know that you are on to her tricks (even if she denies them) and that you love her anyway.

After she's done with all her denials and attempts to look honest while being thoroughly dishonest, quietly explain that you have a limit and when you reach it you will be gone. Tell her you understand it is up to her and you hope she chooses her family. In this way, you let her know you will not allow her to keep disrespecting your feelings and your son's welfare. Tell her you don't know how much you can take or if you've taken too much already, but you know that your family is worth giving it every chance.

Then go to bed. Let her think about what she has done.

Good luck.

~ Snow

UPDATE.. so my wife returned home (i was convently shopping when she returned.)
I asked her if she slept with the OM and she said No. She sounded like she was being honest with me about the rest of the weekend. So I think I believe her about this as well. Of course there's a little bit of doubt. Could it be she's wheening herself off of the OM?

Hey Orchid!! what are thoughts about my update?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fighting 4 my wife:
<strong> UPDATE.. so my wife returned home (i was convently shopping when she returned.)
I asked her if she slept with the OM and she said No. She sounded like she was being honest with me about the rest of the weekend. So I think I believe her about this as well. Of course there's a little bit of doubt. Could it be she's wheening herself off of the OM? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">F4mw,

If you had your hand in the cookie jar and your sibling, parent, favorite uncle/aunt, grandmother, etc. asked you if you took the cookies and you only took 1 cookie, what would you say?

IMHO, right now you need to listen to her words but watch her actions. If she is not making you feel safe and secure (note this is before feeling loved), then assume some kind of A is still happening. Even if it is only in her mind.

I mean really, you want 30, 40, 50, 90% of your W back? Which part are you willing to let her stay as the WS? Her mind? I don't think so.

You should not drop your standards..... you can note this c/b progress but it seems uncertain.

Why? Because there was no reason to go painting if it was important for her to make you feel safe and secure. No paint job is worth that compromise.

So as for you believing her, well that's up to you.....smells kinda fishy to me.

I think you are trying to be as nice and accomodating as possible but think, as long as she is a WS, has that been successful?

I say to plan A your spouse but plan B the WS.
At one point I even went as far as to ask my WS, which personality was he coming over with? WS or H? Because WS was not welcomed and H could only stay a little while. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

It is SO difficult for me to be stern with my wife.. wayward or not. I just look at her and melt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I think it all stems with the fact that I still don't think I can give her up.
ARGH!!!!

I understand why it is difficult but if you had a child with a broken bone (in 3 places), terrifed of going to the doctor to get a shot, would you treat it by pacifying her and saying nice things, giving the child presents, compilmenting her? Those are fine and good but right now the child needs medical attention. You may have concerns about what type of medical attention or treatment the child gets and you want the best doctor to treat the child. Despite the child's plea, the parent does what is best for the child. Right?

Ok same principle applies. You love your W so you..... what.... let her have the A? Enable her A attitude? Hm...... doesn't look right on paper? It doesn't sound right either.

Go back to your heart and try again. This time ask your mind and heart to get in sync before you engage your mouth and open your heart t/b stomped on again. ok?

Sorry for being stern but I don't like to see a BS get stomped on, at least without a valid sane reason. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

No offense taken... I do see a change in my WW's behavior.. which makes me not want to change what I'm doing.. I understand your analogy.. but in my mind I can't (or maybe refuse??) to see the connection

fighting you really have me confused...


you wife spends the night out over the weekend with the other man...under the guise that she is helping a friend paint.....

and you say to her only....

I asked her if she slept with the OM and she said No. She sounded like she was being honest with me about the rest of the weekend.

so basically you she has your blessing for contact, time and emotion and recreation with the OM...your only boundary is sleeping with the OM...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Could it be she's wheening herself off of the OM?

nope a person who CHOOSES an overnight painting party with the OP their spouse is NOT weaning themselves off of anything.....

I think it all stems with the fact that I still don't think I can give her up.

your own fears will create a he!! for you..in which you will sit home at night while wife is out with other men...and you will accept and tolerate that out of your fear....

you are in the BS fog...where having the spouse there in any form is less scary and easier than not having them there at all...very dangerous waters...
nothing like plan A....

you need boundaries
you need to quit condoning her behavior...

ARK

AGH!!!!! I hate myself. Why don't I have the gall to say anything? Why am I so weak? I need to think long and hard about these problems.
I've never questioned anything she ever did before.. but then again, I guess that's how I got into this predicament in the first place! I need to think through what I need to say to her. Is it too late to confront her about it tonight? I'm always worried that she is going to twist everything around that I say so I look like the bad guy. (She's much more cunning than I am.)
Maybe if I just except everything she says as a lie or a false rationalization and TELL her that, she will stop(?).

I need help <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />