</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Therapy that does
not focus on the bad husband who did terrible
things to you but maybe the less than perfect
wife and mother who is definitely having trouble
taking her kids best interest to heart </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mediation not going well Mr. Otobergirl?

Hello purplesuede,

I would thank you for responding to my post but I don't see any benefit to it.You do not know my whole story let alone that I have already been to "therapy"(counseling).

Bitter:definition:harshly reproachful;marked by cynacism and rawness,intensity,severity;expressive of severe pain,grief,regret;exhibiting intense animosity

Am I bitter? According to the definition,partly so.Angry? Sure,it's no secret to those who know me.It will be a process that will take time for me to get over but WH's actions and demands certainly have not helped me get past that easily.

And you are quite incorrect that I am having trouble taking my kids best interest to heart.On the contrary,it has always been my priority.Nor do I need a kick in the caboose.That is disrespectful of you and certainly is harsh although your opinion is noted.

I took the liberty of reading your 3 posts.What is your story? Lurkers such as yourself who post brief hit and run responses usually smack of an other woman(OW) or TOW board member.Care to elaborate?

O

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

OctoberGirl-

Guess I should point out that my sister lives in Houston, her XH lives in Arkansas. Lots of dirving on both sides-- and my X-Brother in law used to beat the living daylights out of my sister, But she still managed to work out sharing the driving responsibilities so the kids could see their dad every summer and every other big holiday.

My best friend lives in GUAM and her XH lives in Missouri. Again, this child does not see his Dad though the year (but has a good stepdad at home) and just visits in the summers. XH pays for the flight to Missouri and my friend pays for the tickets back.

Purplesuede,

Where have you ever gotten the idea that O'girl was not being a good mother? Do you think a good mother forces their children to leave their home and friends every other weekend to go visit a dad who willingly left the family home so he could conduct his life like a single, childless man?

And then gives up her free time to accomdate him in this foolishness? Her kids will not want to go with him every other weekend, I guarantee it. He wants to be a part time dad, so let it be at the childrens convenience and not his. If he loves them, he will agree to this.

I don't know too many kids who want to get in a car every other weekend and make a 4 1/2 hour drive one way to see their dad.

He'll be a good time dad, a once in a while dad and hopefully a good friend. He threw every thing else away, and as Binder said he will not even keep to the every other weekend, especially if it is of any inconvenience to him.

O'girl needs to protect her kids and protect herself, he has given her no choice.

Bitter?... maybe at first but she has not been in this sitch all that long. And she has come a very long way, and is a very caring person. If you can't see that in her post, then I am afraid you are not really looking.

Hi mojo,

Boy,that's quite a lot of distance between family isn't it.But I am not sure I would agree with having the kids driven so much both ways.Wouldn't it be better to have one parent drive to see them at their place of residence? I shudder to think of all the hours my kids would be sitting in a car if I decided to drive to where my WH is now.It's not fair to them IMO.It's easier for one parent to move and travel then it is for kids especially if you have more than one.

As for expenses,well my WH and I have already budgeted what our expenses are and included in his will be hotel/motel costs.That is unless he stays with his parents and happens to take the kids there with him for part of his visitation.

I suppose every one has their own way of dealing with this.What I have a problem with is my WH telling me that I am only thinking of myself and not's what in the best interest of the kids which is pathetic because I always have to remind him,if he was thinking at all about the kids and their wellfare instead of sex with the new homewrecker at the time(and now) then we might not be in this situation,going through a painful D and family life as we knew it, over.

O

This person responded to my threads also...have no idea who it is, but notice they only have 3 posts total, two of which were to me!

Movingforward -

Wow, that's interesting. Maybe this person is in pain and projecting onto O'girl. Do you think?

I'm going to check out those posts to you.

Hi Octobergirl, my gut feeling is that he should do the running. For one thing, during the time that your children are with their father, you will have to learn to begin a new life for yourself. You will never get that chance if you have to spend it driving the girls to see him. He is their dad for God's sake - it is his RESPONSIBILITY to make sure he builds a relationship with his daughters. It is his DUTY to let his little girls know that although he and their mother no longer see eye to eye, he loves them and WANTS to see them. Why on earth should you have to make a 9 hour round trip to enable him to see the girls. Crazy. He'll find a way if he chooses to and, if not, just continue to be the best mother you can.

I live in Asia and my WH and I are living apart. If I choose to go back to England, I will totally disrupt my daughters' lives. They will lose their home, their school, their friends AND their father. They would then only see him in school holidays. I like it here and have good friends too but somehow feel my life is on hold. I do have an idea of what you are going through. TT.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong> Movingforward -

Wow, that's interesting. Maybe this person is in pain and projecting onto O'girl. Do you think?

I'm going to check out those posts to you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no idea, but I found it odd that he/she initially posted to me on the PG board out of the blue, then picked up on O's thread and posted to her...haven't a clue who it is...very odd <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

og
i agree that your WH should do the driving, your kids will im sure have ex curr activuties and uprooting them missing softball, soccer, or whatever your hobbies are is'nt fair to them. if he chooses to live 4.5 hrs away that is his choice.

as for purple suede. BLAH

I find it hard to believe that your ex is unable to find decent work near where you and your dear children live. It's NOT your responsibility to take your children to see him - it's HIM who is moving, not you.
So, like, suppose he decided to move across the ocean? Would you still be responsible? I think not..
It's still just as ridiculous - he's still being the SELFISH one.
JMHO here.

TT,dalson,sauron

Thanks for your replys.

I agree that this is going to turn out to be a question of just how committed he is to our children now.I already know how committed he was to me.Now it's down to brief phone calls at night in addition to living far away AND in the area the homewrecker lives,BY CHOICE.

It's bad enough that he only sees them EOW but when I happen to be in the room and he calls them to say good night,it's barely 5 minutes total for both girls,if that on some nights.And,occasionally he seems to be talking to some other person(at work?) at the same time.That to me is indicative of the man he has become.Part time dad.I am really saddened for my girls.They are so sweet and good.It breaks my heart,they deserve so much more.I would have gone without for the rest of my life if only to have them happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

O

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I odn't know if you have thought of this but I think it might be a more viable choice since you already question his committment to a regular visitation schedule. How about relying more on video conferencing than having you drive and the kids subjected to long distance car rides every other weekend? A had a friend make this concession to her ex when she wanted to move from NY to LA and her ex went to court to prevent her from moving. She was responsible for paying for the computer equipment for both her house and her exs and he is allowed to call and "see" his girls whenever he wants.

In your case, since your ex will be the one constantly moving, he would be responsible for providing the equipment.

Also, if you do go for the every other weekend visitation, please add stipulations on modifications when your kids have other functions to attend. As their get older, the more stuff they seem to join and many of these activities take place on the weekends. I have seen many teens get upset when told they have to miss an activity in order to visit "Dad." Just a thought.....

Hi stormyweather,

Thanks for your input.

As it turns out,we do have video cams that we could put on our computers but you know,it's just not the same as being there in person,having a parent hold your hand and take you somehwere,spending quality time with you,receiving hugs and kisses.It's my WH's duty to make the time to physically see his kids.

I understand that there are childen out there who never even see a parent sometimes.Mom's and dad's who up and leave and are never in contact with their kids again,for years and years and maybe never.So it could really be much worse for my girls.Right now they are taking what they can get and I am encouraging WH to see them.

And thanks for the suggestion but I agree with you,weekends are for family.Rarely do my girls have any sports obligations on the weekends.I try my best to keep this time free for both my self and for my WH and I always will until they are out on their own.

O

It really is best for them to have physical contact but I was thinking more of when he had to move yet again and it would become less of an option for the over other weekend schedule.

And while its good that weekend is for families, don't forget the high school years when they may want to go to football games, dances, etc.. I had one friend whose ex was upset when their child had to take the SATs on HIS weekend. Another ex was upset that his son wanted to actually take a date to the Homecoming dance on HIS weekend. Maybe your ex will be more understanding when special events like this pop up but from their experiences, and many others like it, its best to write these things in just in case. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Point taken. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know I may not be in full control when the kids get older but suffice it to say,I will still do my best to ensure,on my end,time with the children in and around all their events.

Where my WH works is anybodys guess.That has been his pattern only, up until last year,we were following him around,moving moving never quite feeling settled in one place.I know he knows that this could be a problem for him but only last March,of this year,he was telling me that he could only be creatively fulfilled if he was living/working in Los Angeles,so the thought of living far away,really far away from the children did not matter and it still doesn't,IMO.

It's a feeble attempt now on my WH's part to try and look like a decent man or to erase what he is doing.To save face.

Anyway,what is still most important is that my girls feel loved,cared for and have a routine and home that is stable.I am going to do my best to make that happen.

O