"campaign" -- I like that! That's exactly how I felt when I was energized to action. It's great to have controll of at least yourself!

Remember this: you can call his workplace and ask for her under an assumed name. Think of something that he may do that would include her name, say you are confirming a reservation for a flight to the Bahamas or something....

I am reluctant to mention all the things I did to uncover OW identity and H's whereabouts and activities, as he is aware of this site... but I spent alot and did alot of detective work - anything and everything to feel something other than just crying and feeling sorry for myself!

I like, too, your determination to use what is at your fingertips: the "poor wife" thing will work wonders even with H-sympathetic peers and superiors. Like mgm alluded, they all know the potential impact of negative publicity of their complicity should any of it get out!

Use the 'redial' feature on your phone after he uses it. Use the 'last call redial' feature if you have it after he recieves a call.

Anyway, lots of devices at your disposal if you get creative....

Also, it is true that when (if) the fog lifts, your former H DOES return. I am still not quite past the alien inhabitant memory (still can't believe my darling H could have EVER done, said, thought what he did) and am learning to forgive and learning to hope for a safe place and a secure heart.

Good luck to you! You've got what it takes! You will be better no matter what - with him or without him! I hope he 'sees the light!'

YAWN! Good morning! I slept a total of about 3 hours. WH woke up and looked a little concerned as to who I could possibly be corresponding with when he went by my office. Let him wonder! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

HE started in with all that fog talk again.
1. I hate you. My reply: Yes
2. YOu won't quit will you until I am ashes on the ground. My response: Zero, Changed the subject
3. YOu want me as your dog. My response: I have one
4. YOu are forcing me to do something I don't want. My response: Are you talking about quitting? He said yes. My response: Your choice.
5. You will never let me go. My response: Zero
6. I could never make a decision in this marriage. You never let me or would would ignore me. My response: Your choice
7. YOu always make me change my mind. My response: Your choice
8. I am scared of you. My response: Yes
9. YOu are just like my father. My response: Learning to be, thank you. (BAD, OOPS)
10 YOu make me lie to you because I don't want to talk to you. My response: Your choice


BLAH BLAH YADA YADA.

DORK! I spoke about his choices. Ya, I know that dreaded R talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I slipped.

I laid out what I needed from him to go forward.

1. One year minimum of counselling. He told me to find one.
2. HOnesty. His response. "And I'm not?" HUH, WHo are you?
3. No DJ's. His response. You'll never be able to do that. My response: That is a DJ. THat is a feeling. YOu don't know that. (Need some help when he says stuff like that.)
4. Live with us if possible.
5. 1 hour max R talk
6. 15 hours per week planned us time minimum
7. No relationships out sdie of marriage
8. 10 hours a week minimum for planned family activities
9. Deal with problems and disagreements ASAP. No stuffing.
10 POJA
11. Read relationship and communication books together
12. No LBs

His list
1. 6 months of counselling -
2. Divorce
3. No DJs
4. Will be cordial when he come to pick up DD
5. No living together.

Well, as you can see, he has a very short list. THe first one is impossbile. He will be at sea for at least half that time. UH DUH.
Second one - UH NOPE
3. Yes
4. Yes
5. Maybe

So, NOW he is very concerned about speaking to the captain of his ship. He said I started a snowball. Oh well.

I explained to him I have always been honest with him. He knows how I will react to this. He finally admitted he knew that. UH DUH!
I told him that anyone that got in the way of our chance at recovery was my enemy and I would take appropriate action. No prisoners. And that I was fully prepared for the fall out.

He freaked becasue he said: I told you I was interested in someone but she won't do anything until this is settled. My response; Settle it.

HE said his M and his S told him that I was out to destroy him. I told him that I have been honest with what I am prepared to do. I have NOTHING to hide.

(I will be checking his story) They have been behind me and have given me suggestions as well. BUt blood is thicker than water. So, I am not mad. WOn't change what I do in any way other than be very cautious with what I tell them.

So, I am off to I'ville. I am wrung out.

This might be a good time to tell him that you are not out to destroy him- that you are on his side.

That you love him and chose him and you plan to do everything in your power to keep him and to make this an awesome marriage, and to be an awesome wife. Because he is worth it and you can be great together if you both make an effort .

That he won't regret it.

Shul

Got it...delete away!! Is it fightingalong or alone?? You put along... Will email as soon as I get a chance.

<small>[ December 14, 2004, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

MGM it is along. My dyslexia. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Shul. Good points. I have said that. But, I think I will say it a thousand more times. Perhaps he will believe me eventually.

I like HOW you said it, too.

Thank you.

Restarting, Thanks. I am ever th eoptimist and HOPE that one day he will be rid of his possession by that alien fogged up life form.

BUt, I am also a realist. I KNOW at the very least that it will be a struggle. And, I KNOW that there is probably less than a 10% chance of success. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But, I will go down fighting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If I lose, I will still have won. I will be able to go to sleep knowing I did EVERYTHING that I could to save this marriage.

I will survive.

Update: Well, WH just left to go back to the ISland. He took DD to school and then is continuing on.

Before he left, he said that when he comes back on the 21st, that he wants us to go to ge our spearation agreement signed. I said no, I am not ready to sign. If I signed now, it would be under duress, so it wouldn't be legal anyway.

I said that once DD and I move over to VIctoria, and we start counselling AND learn to negotiate, then I might consider it. BUT, that at this time, I will NOT help him to separate. I NEED him to work on negotiating and compromise. All in a counselling setting.

Of course he was mad. But, what can he do? I am a ROCK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I guess he could file for divorce. But, I will contest it. If he forces that I will go the long legal drawn out way. He can't afford it and I can because my legal fees would be paid for becasue of my current low income.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fightingalone-again:

I would get into the car, as WH is sleeping, but it is alarmed and I can't figure it out. I could just see the ruckus when the alarm went off. YIKES!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....ahem.... You did NOT hear this from me...

My neighbor had his car stolen. Here is what we think happened.

Early evening the car is street parked, alarm is set.

The alarm goes off. Neighbor goes out and re-sets.

2 hours later. Alarm goes off. Neighbor re-sets, again.

30 minutes later, same thing. Then one more time.

Other neighbors starting to become annoyed because of obviously faulty alarm.

Neighbor turns alarm off because it's gotten him out of bed 2 times.

Car is gone in the morning.

.... but, you did not hear it from me.

Pep

F-again -

Okay, time to take a little break. You have let him know where you stand and that is good. Now let him mull it over.
The beauty of the MB program is that it teaches you the best way to save your marriage, but also lets you be able to move on alone and much stronger. That was a big comfort to me, knowing that I would be okay.
Thought you were going to check in to I-ville. Or was there too much work over there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wow, Sometimes I wish I had your planning and executing ability.

oops, double post

<small>[ December 14, 2004, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

FAA,

I haven't forgotten to email, am just busy!! Will try to email tomorrow.

MGM Okay, I was checking.

BTW, I think I have found someone to check the licnese plate number. I have the DND sticker number as well.

Talk to you soon.

THanks

Hey, TTSi:

Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> THis goes back to the discussion we had about the kiersey temperament test. I am a Field Marshall- Rationals Group. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Highly skilled in STRATEGIC ANALYSIS. Thus their most practiced and developed intelligent operations tend to be marshalling and planning (NTJ organizing), or inventing and configuring (NTP engineering). And they would if they could be wizards in one of these forms of rational operation. They are proud of themselves in the degree they are competent in action, respect themselves in the degree they are autonomous, and feel confident of themselves in the degree they are strong willed. Ever in search of knowledge, this is the "Knowledge Seeking Personality" -- trusting in reason and hungering for achievement. They are usually pragmatic about the present, skeptical about the future, solipsistic (philosophical)about the past,
Of the four aspects of strategic analysis and definition, it is marshalling or situational organizing role that reaches the highest development in Fieldmarshals. As this kind of role is practiced some contingency organizing is necessary, so that the second suit of the Fieldmarshal's intellect is devising contingency plans.

As the organizing capabilities the Fieldmarshal increase so does their desire to let others know about whatever has come of their organizational efforts. So they tend to take up a directive role in their social exchanges. On the other hand they have less and less desire, if they ever had any, to inform others. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Typical traits:
1. "No" is a temporary obstacle
2. The one I struggle with: the bolded part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I just think I know best and will do it anyway - See #1. I am right, enough of the time, that I have a hard time changing that. And, I am always ready to live with the outcome. I don't blame anyone else since I made the decision on my own. BUt it sure frustrate my WH. Rightly so.

You should have mail! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, my WAR PLan A, is heading to the next level. I am off to VIctoria tomorrow with DD. I was kind enough to inform him that I was coming too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But just couldn't give him a time. BUt, probably early. hehehe. (Be scared, very scared)
Since Dork showed up on MOnday and he fogged up the house until he left the next day, I have done my utmost to be so Plan A, I scare myself. I called him on TUesday night to make sure he got home okay. (UH DUH) And he was actually where he was supposed to be. Where is lives. WIth my friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I asked him if he had managed to get the books that the IC had suggested: HOw to get the Love you Want, and THe Shadow SIde of Intimate Relationships. HE said he had the first. And sounded sooo crabbby. AWWW. He should, the book says you marry the best and the worst of your parents. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Me, being the planner had researched it on thew eb so knew that already. AND the subtitle is [A guide for Couples[/b] I will bet that choked him. Him so ready to be single. LMAO. I told him I would get a copy so we could have osmething interesting to talk about this weekend besdies us. hehehe. All the while being so cheerful and then just saying. BYe see you Friday.

THen I called him yesterday, Wednesday as I needhim to register DD today. And surprise he was in the right place again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just asked f he had the time to do this, please. Said thank you and hung up.

TOday, when I got home there was a message saying that he wouldn't be home tonight as he was going out to the bars with buddies from the ship (Single guys, I'm sure )and wasn't sure if he was coming home BUT would be there tomorrow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Gee, in the last 3 months, this is the first time that he has either been where he was supposed to be or told me that he would be out.

HHMM, Do Ya think he might be a little nervous? <snicker> UH DUH!

AND, my best friend is calling me tomorrow morning, before I leave, with the name, address and possibly phone# of the owner of the car that WH had.

I love it when a Plan comes together!

So, when I get there, I will be so cheeful and not speak about any R stuff at all. I plan on asking WH to go dancing or for a drink. I am packing a few "nice" things. If he says no, I am going out anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He can babysit DD.

Saurday, I have to meet the real estate agent. THen I am going to get my hair done and be back by noon. Do some family things. And ask what he would like to do in the evening. I fhe says nothing I will this time be very cheerful and give him the infamous chirpy "Okay!" and sit with him. That should confuse the he!! out of him. Sunday, no plan yet. He is supposed to ahve duty on Monday. I might not go home until then. Tuesday he is coming here for Christmas until the 26th. He is "supposed" to have duty on th e27th. And DD is moving htere on the 28th or 29th! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Am I missing anything?. Any suggestions as to really a) Steam things up? b)any Reverse Babble I can use? c) ??? open to trying anything unexpected.

Acronyms:
WAR: Plan A
Without Any Restraints
Will Always Resist
Want A Remedy

Any more?

Well, I have added a couple of more items to my arsenal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have just researched "alienation of affection". Unfortunately, that is not applicable in Canada.

We have a couple of things that will help kick OW to the curb.
So, I have some steps that I plan to follow.

I have asked myself whether I want to save my marraige. And yes I do. But, I will not idly stand by and let OW have my WH without huge costs to herself. Sometimes you have to fight harder and longer. But, what can I say? My sig says it all.

Edited becasue of potential lurkers

<small>[ December 27, 2004, 01:58 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fightingalone-again:
<strong>
I have asked myself whether I want to save my marraige. And yes I do. But, I will not idly stand by and let OW have my WH without huge costs to herself. Sometimes you have to fight harder and longer. But, wht can I say? My sig says it all. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uyyyy Veeyyy. I can only smile in earnest at your efforts. Your husband must be a very remarkable man for you to do what you are doing. I will tell you (although I suspect you know already) that your tough guy plan and A$$ kicking your WH and OW will never "truly" work. Your WH is clearly a coward, and does not have the guts to leave you fully....so yeah, I can see you trying your act....but do you really want to have your husband back "screaming and kicking" to the house? Do you really think your husband is going to follow that list you posted???????? HS, you are fogged yourself. I can understand your hatred of the OW, but this isn't about her. DO you think if you "kill her" your marriage will be "recovered". Your antics are probably admirable to some here, but my God, is this how you want your WH back. YOu my friend, are in for a probably bad outcome. I guess you can say you went down fighting. Better yoyu than me here. Goodluck with your WH, you unfortunately are gonna need it girl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />