Looks like me and my wife of 6 years are headed down the road to divorce... We have been separated for 8 weeks now and it looks like its over...My wife is very into her work and she started traveling a few years ago.. This caused posed a big problem for me... We have 2 children and I would have to stay at her parents house while she was gone for child care reasons.. Also when she started this new job she started talking about her boss non stop... He was everything she wanted to be young, sucessful, made alot of money... I got tired of listening to her talk about another man.... Well now she has moved on to another job and has stopped traveling.... But when she started this job she started talking about another guy she worked with... I became very suspicious of this.. At the same time she became very protective of her cell phone... One day I walked throught the kitchen and saw her phone on the counter... Well one thing led to another and while she was sleeping on the couch I looked in her phone... She had a text page for the guy saying "I love you".. I was heart broken... I confronted her about it and she said it was not what you think... They were just really good friends... I have had a really hard time with this... She said she does love him but not like she loves me... He is just a really good friend.. He filled the space that I did'nt ( meaning he supported her in work and school when I did'nt).. I knew deep down inside that someting was going on she started going out on the weekends and was staying out till like 1am... During this time she go close to him and almost kissed him but did'nt (she said)... She said was just a moment of uncomfortable silence where someting like that happens.. They both looked at each other and stopped themselves... I told her that she had to separate herself from that situation.... I did not take this very well I have been hateful to her and not treated her like I should... But she continues to go out and hang around with this guy a a large group of people from her job... We gone through 2 counseling sessions and made alittle progress.. But like i said she still continues to go out with them.... I have said something about me coming along just too meet them and she son't allow it... She said she need to have her own seperate life and she does not see why its necessary for me to meet them...They are her friends not mine... Things have gotten really bad in the last week.. I talked to her parents about the whole situation and she hates me for that but I felt that them needed to know what was going on... Things had gotten uncomfortable between me and her parents because they thought the only reason I was mad about her going out was becuase I was just jealous and controlling... She said she was done and wanted a divorce because I did'nt trust her and she did'nt trust me... Im at a loss.. I have done everything I can do to try and work this out..But it takes 2 and I feel like she is not trying....... This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through...I could go on and on but im tired of typing and it makes me upset ti think about this....

Welcome to marriage builders. Good friends, huh, well we've heard that before. It's just BS to keep you from figuring it out.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line. As for her parents, that is typical too. All WS's go by a workbook - blaming a "controlling" partner(ie: doesn't want spouse to cheat), is very typical.

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We gone through 2 counseling sessions and made alittle progress..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she's having an affair, regular MC does little or no good until the OM is out of the picture. The WS usually lies to the counselor, hence no progress possible.

I really think you should call the counseling number of the Harleys. The number is at the top of this page.. under the logo it says "counsel" click to the link.

It is expensive... but probably far better than any regular counseling you've had.

Best of luck.

Pep

I may be nieve but I really don't think she is having a physical affair emotional affair yes... And that hurts just as bad... She does not do the things I would imagine a woman having an affair would do.... Before we separated and she would come home after her night on the town she sould just come to bed with me.. Not shower, clean up or anything like that... And it did not appear that she had taken a shower.... I will admit that I was not the most supportive husband and I appoligized for that and said that there was nothing I could do about the way I acted in the past.... All I can do is try my best her on out... She says she wants a divorce but she still call all the time and we still have good day where are joking around with each other and stuff like that.... Yesterday was my son and daughters birthday party we had a really good day it ended in a fight because some things were said... After I left she paged me and said that "Just wanted to say thanks we had a really good day, Goodnight". I responded and said "Yeah I think everyone had a really good time" she responded with "I was talking about us!".... This sound like a women that is still confused on what she really wants.... Am I wrong for thinking that.... We also went out with the kids and some friends Friday night and actually kinda teased each other sexually.. You know just talking and flirting... I looked at her and told her that she looked good and she responded with this is an inside joke... Does it make you want some of my french fries.. I said hell yes....Do you ever think about my french fry... She said yes... I know that sound corny but I think you get the idea... Im just not convinced that divorce is what she really wants.... Right now all we do is fight when we are together and we are both very tired of it and I think that is what she is saying this.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Is your sex life still going strong?

plan a plan a plan a
you have a he11uva lot more going your way than alot of us here, avoid all lb's dont react, when she stabs, count to 10 b4 you react to something she says. you cant change her, just yourself.
i think you have a good chance. do the en ?aire and have her do it. maybe you can figure out what she is not getting from you, and work on changing that.

what part of texas are you from

No sex since Oct 8 and that was when I took her to Vegas for her 30's birthday...That was after all this crap happened...I thought the trip to Vegas would help since we would have time to be together just the 2 of us...The trip did'nt go as well as I hoped...I think things were still alittle too fresh...And to answer your question im in north central Texas... Thanks for all teh good advise... Its nice to be able to vent.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The lack of sex points to a physical affair. That might not be the case, but I really think it is so.

I still don't think it has gotten to the physical affair point.... Sex did'nt stop until we separated... And after work lastnight she called me and asked me if I wanted to come over... I did and everyting was good we did the family thing I played with the kids gave my 3 year old son a bath and put him to bed... Then my wife and I sat and watched TV and worked on her homework... I left around 10:45 and left it at that... Things were good.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

believer ....you are so right. No sex is a red flag! My WH didn't want to have sex anymore but I didn't know why until he told me about the A. It's so typical.

Sounds like everyone is pointing to an affair... Why does it have to be this way... I will admit that I have not been there to meet her emotional needs... If you are so unhappy with your spouse that you would separate from them then why would you continue to have a sexual relationship with them... She has admitted to me that she does think about me in a sexual way.. All the time.. She said she cares to much about me to use me as a "booty call"... She said she would just do without...

Yes, lack of sex could be an indicator of an affair but so is the increase of sexual desire. But aside from the sex, there is her non-stop talking about the men she has worked with, her going out on the weekends [and coming home at 1 AM] and the 'I Love You' text message from her to her male co-worker are further signs that an affair [or affairs] probably has been taking place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are so unhappy with your spouse that you would separate from them then why would you continue to have a sexual relationship with them...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Didn't you say that the last time the two of you had sex was October 8th?

TMCM

<small>[ December 14, 2004, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Texashubby,

Regardless of whether it's an emotional affair (EA) or physical affair (PA), you have a lot of work to do.

It sounds like you easily recognize ways in which you could improve:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be supportive/appreciative of her work</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be supportive of her school</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quit making demands (telling her she has to separate herself from a situation)</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Avoid angry outbursts</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You have a LOT going for you.

She is honest with you, at least to a point (Better stop those Love Busters (LBs) pronto if you want her to continue to talk openly with you).

She thinks of you sexually and flirts with you and sends you text messages. Why don't you follow up with SF (sexual fulfillment)? That could be one of her highest Emotional Needs (ENs) and if you don't fill it you can bet someone else eventually will.

One of the best things is that her parents are aware of the situation. Bringing an affair to the light of day hastens its end.

I'd recommend reading about Plan A, ENs, and LBs.

I'd also recommend moving back into the home. YOU aren't the one unhappy with the M and messing around on the side, so YOU shouldn't be the one deprived of the comfortable home and the company of your children. If she's so miserable that she can't live with you, let her find somewhere else to stay. I'd move back this weekend.

Oh, one last thing - don't even contemplate divorce (D) right now. It's WAY too early. Give your M at least six months before you make any major decisions like D (or separation, since you're about to move back home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Thanks so much Turtlehead this is the kind of advise im looking for.... I try very hard to not let things bother me and give her her space...Its just really hard...You say wait 6 months be worring about divorce..Say she has been unhappy for the last 2 years does that change anything...I don't plan on filing because Im not the one that wants to end this and I think if she honestly wanted to she would'nt call and ask me to come over and do the little thigs that she has been doing lately....I feel I need to clearify something....When goes out its not just with its with a large group of people from her office... I know this for a fact because I have talked to her while she is out...

Thanks so much Turtlehead this is the kind of advise im looking for.... I try very hard to not let things bother me and give her her space...Its just really hard...You say wait 6 months be worring about divorce..Say she has been unhappy for the last 2 years does that change anything...I don't plan on filing because Im not the one that wants to end this and I think if she honestly wanted to she would'nt call and ask me to come over and do the little thigs that she has been doing lately....I feel I need to clearify something....When goes out its not just with its with a large group of people from her office... I know this for a fact because I have talked to her while she is out...

TexasHubby,

Thanks for calling me out, that is flattering. Do read what the others have posted. You have been referred to "Plan A" several times (and by folks wiser than I). DO read plan A. Check into counseling with the Harleys as Pep suggested.

What SHE says right now about her own unhappiness does not matter a whit. WS (wayward spouses) "rewrite history". They forget the good stuff and focus on the bad stuff. Sometimes they do it on purpose to justify their heinous behavior, and sometimes they are truly so confused they can't honestly remember the past.

When you "try not to let things bother you" that is a two edged sword. You're doing the right thing in that you want to continue to be a vibrant, upbeat, attractive person. On the other hand, you have an obligation to tell your W that you are hurt by her actions. No need to yell at her, no need to be condescending or sarcastic or anything other than respectful. Something like "W, when you go out with your friends and tell me I am not invited, I feel rejected and hurt." Then go on to something else.

I have read Plan A and B and am going to go over it again...I really feel that her saying she's done and wants a divorce is just something she is saying because she is upset....This was said after a huge fight...I asked what brought her to this decision and she said it was because I told her parents....She aksed me not to do that...I felt that they needed to know what was going on so I told them.... I gave her every oppertunity to do it herself and she did'nt... Tell me if im wrong but if a women truly wants a divorce would she call and ask me to come over and send me text pages saying " we had a really good day today.. Goodnight! ".... I don't want to get my hopes up

Update:


Well she called me this morning to let me know that she was going to be in a training class all day...Im so confused...We are suppose to go to our 3rd counseling session Thurs.... She also said that she was going to take Thurs off so that we could go finish our Christmas shopping... I told her that I still wanted to go to talk to the councelor even if I went by myself... Also I accidetally found out what she got me for Christmas... A new laptop... Why would you go and buy such an extravagant gift for someone you wanted to divorce...

Bump


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have seen the term fog talk metioned several times... Im very new to all this... Is this when your spouse make a statement they don't really mean... They just said it in the heat of the moment?