on WH work cell.

Sounds like they are very much still in contact with each other.

Conflict avoider. Right now I'm furious.

How do I handle this?

K

Hello dear K,
are you sure it's a new message and not an old one?
If you're sure it's new... is this her contacting him, and could he have prevented it? Might it be a one-side action he doesn't agree with?

No, it's new this morning.

Sounds like they have continued contact.

OW: "I just got out of class on a break and thought I'd call you. I'll talk to you later. Love you."

Please HELP!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">on WH work cell.

Sounds like they are very much still in contact with each other.

Conflict avoider. Right now I'm furious.

How do I handle this?

K
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">K.....what do you mean "sounds like?" They are in contact and expressions of ILY are part of an ongoing affair. She has NOT been told to "buzz off" or any other form of No Contact.

So you know how to "handle this." Avoiding conflict is NOT the answer, and as hard as it seems (from one "avoider" to another), sometimes you have to learn to engage in constructive conflict. Unless, of course, you prefer sharing your husband and being a doormat to the two of them.

There will be no lasting recovery or "saved" marriage as long as there is contact. From one who has endured two and half years of contact, while confronting spouse every time (when I discover it, because it's never been volunteered), you can keep on "plugging along" and working on progress, but you need to also be able to endure AND confront each and every contact until the "message gets through the remaining fog."

God bless.

Also, I don't want to let him know how I know. He doesn't know that I have his passwords.

I put a call into SH....for a quick question.

I am beside myself. I thought he was in withdrawl.

He told me last night that he had stopped into a bar and had a drink with some of the "guys". We were out eating with some friends.

He went to bed right after we got home...he had a headache. He went to sleep. So, this morning I asked him where they went.

WH said "So you're going to start something this morning?"

RED FLAGS!!!!!!!!!!

K

Do I call him right now and tell him?

What do I do? He keeps calling me with stupid things to talk about. He surely knows I'm upset about this.

K

K, I'm so sorry. However, in another strange sort of way I wonder if maybe you needed this new info. Please don't take me the wrong way. I'm not happy for your pain. I probably have already shared this with you, but just in case, I'll share it again. After d-day H and I went to MC for a while. It was with a therapist who we saw for 1 1/2 yrs. in the late 90s, and then when H was actually in the A last Fall, but I didn't know it. This C said to H, "The cruelest thing you did to CV, besides the A, was to let her think she was crazy all these months." When he said that I remember the tears just rolling down my cheeks. In my opinion your H has been especially cruel to you. He asked to come back. You took him back, and have felt like SH** ever since. I think in your heart you knew he was still in contact, otherwise why would you be feeling so much anxiety? Well now you have the truth. Personally I would much rather have the truth then the cowardly lies.

OK, this is my opinion, so take it as such. I would plan B his butt so friggin fast he wouldn't even be able to feel the door hitting his A**. I'd tell him if he can't keep from being with her then "Have a nice life, because you're through "F"ing up mine." K, in your words you were beginning to feel good before he asked back into your life. Are you going to allow this man to keep on screwing with your brain and your heart? You deserve better than this.

I'm not saying to file for D, but get his drama out of your life. Do whatever you need to do to fell like a sane person again. If you're not in IC, get in IC. If you need to be on an AD, get on one pronto. Go out with friends. Post here. Let your H drown in his muck without continuing to pull you into it too.

I'm giving you one great big bear hug, and wishing for you courage! CV

Dear K,
I hope your call to SH helped ?
Maybe it's better to talk to H face to face.
It would be best if you could be calm and strong when you confront him, if you decide to do that now.

What you should think about now is
- how much can I take ?
- how far am I willing to go ?
- what do I need ?
- what will I do if this situation continues ?

((((K))))

THanks for your replies....CV and brownhair...

SH hasn't called back yet.

I'm going to the town where WH works today for his "Christmas party". It's at 3:00 at a bowling alley.

Guess I could tell him then.

I'm soooooo tired of this.

K

K, I never lived my FWH breaking NC, but I know where I was at when my H asked to come back home from our 3 month separation. And I have to say that I would hold that phone up in my hand, play NO MORE GAMES, tell him what I discovered, and that you expect him out of the house by the end of the day. And Plan B. Let that OW meet ALL his needs, and let their A die the nasty death it apparently HAS to die, since your WH won't put it out of its misery now.

I do not advocate D at all. I advocate you, K. Get him and his nasty cell phone OUT of your home. If/when he comes back, with NC, he will have no trouble making sure you know all his NEW passwords again. Let him and his chaos go.

Spidey

I would go to plan B as well...

write the letter


he has had long enough to end the chaos he chooses to bring in to your life...

time for you to decide for you that enough is enough...
time to opt out....
time to be done with the chaos...

focusing on having his passwords etc...and wanting to hold on to that...just keeps you in the chaos...

time for you to end you part of a triange with actions....no more words..

ark

K,

It was with great effort that I kept my 2x4 in my back pocket after last weeks phone fiasco. Why? Consider this. You suspected the A was ongoing. We discussed the fact that you KNEW and HAVE KNOWN for months that it NEVER ended. The signs are everywhere..you listed off several..and the suspected # was only the latest drop in the bucket.

He Lied To Get Back In The House.
You know it. I know it.

So when you discoverred that you were incorrect about that number..and just settled back into your usual routine..I wanted to wring your neck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So, let's just address the real ISSUE and disregard the DETAILS. So you found a message..so what? There have likely been 50 you didn't catch. You already know everything you need to know. Climb out of Denial, there's crocodiles in there.

He defrauded you. What are you going to DO about it?

I suggest his clothes waiting on the porch for him when he gets home and ZERO contact with you, not even an explanation..he already knows he is guilty.

This time raise the bar.

Noodle

why are you going to CHRISTMAS party with him...

why
why
why
why...

ark

I still have the last Plan B letter I wrote him and never gave him.

I feel like going to that party with his suitcase packed, letter in hand and saying "I intercepted a message from OW to you this morning. It's her or me. I can't allow you to keep doing this to me."

Right in front of his boss and everyone.

K

NO X-Mas Party! Do not give ANY ground. Every single time you have a conversation with this man you give in. No more talking! He can keep his forked tongue behind his teeth.

Noodle

Okay.....

So, I go up there, put his bag and the letter in his car, and leave.

I have some christmas shopping I want to do. I was planning to do that anyway.

I am all in a turmoil

K

leave the letter...

NO acknowledgement of continued contact..
no powerstruggling...

plan b letter full of love and hope...and the fact you are not part of a triangle..

no confrontation
no actions that give way to the issue of hand...

his chaos stands alone...

no verbal confrontation...

will he try to come home..
where will he go
where will you be...

slow down think this through...but plan to opt out..
ark

Pack his bags

Put them out front

Be sure and put your Plan B letter right on top, wrapped with a big red Christmas bow

Do not call him

Do not go to party.....do not call and say you are not going to the party

Take the day for yourself and go walk around the mall, catch a movie (maybe even 2! that you've wanted to see), grab a book and go sit in a coffee shop for a few hours.

You have an entire day for you. Fill it..AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE.

Call a friend and meet for dinner.

Whatever you do, do not speak with your WH today. Spoil yourself and just be with yourself.

You can deal with things tomorrow just as well as today.

But Plan B that boy now. There is nothing like doing the absolute unexpected. Do it. Own it. Get your life back.

Let him figure out what to do now.

DON'T TAKE HIS STUFF UP THERE!

YOU DON'T NEED THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!