Hi Everyone,

I'm really messed up right now. Some of you know my story, some don't. Real quick for those that don't. My WW is trying to live a single life, going out to clubs and partying. There is/has been an OM, but they don't seem exclusive. I've seen her dancing with OM, plus other guys. She parties at the clubs on Fri & Sat. nights. been doing this even though I've been plan Aing for almost 3 months now. WW has always denied that there has been sex between her and OM, only the intense making out that I saw on Dday. I knew better.

Heres the deal. About a month ago I installed Spy software on the computer at home. I've been checking once a week or so and nothing to report, WW rarely uses the computer. On Tuesday night WW went out with Pastor's daughter. I thought that was really positive as I've been praying fervently for the past month. Later Tuesday night WW said she was going to go for groceries and then go over to her best GF's house. I'm thinking maybe she is, but probably not, probably going to see OM, but maybe she is as it's a Tues night.

I get on the computer on Wed. after work and I check the Spy software. At 6 am Wed when she came home she got on and typed in a search:

GENITAL WARTS

I was floored, as I was looking at what she was reading. For the next hour she was reading many different websites and info on Warts. I couldn't believe it! I thought she would at least protect herself!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Now MIL, who has been praying along with me for WW, just recieved a letter addressed to WW at MIL house. The letter was from the CDC (Center of Disease Control). MIL did not open the letter. She's praying for wisdom to know what to do.

Here are the facts:

1. Since Dday WW wants no affection of SF from me.
2. Since Dday WW doesn't want me seeing her naked.
3. I have found birth control pills in WW purse, even though I have a vesectomy, I believe she was taking them, but seems as though she has stopped.

I don't know what to do, please help, I don't know for sure if she has an STD.

Genitals warts can happen even with protection. just an fyi.

native I am so sorry about this. I think you need to confront your wife about this. This is not something you should keep quiet about.

Hopefully someone wiser than me will come along to help you figure out how to do that.

Hi maddyk,

I don't know what to do, MIL and I have talked. I have to talk to Pastor. I told my IC, but he didn't really say what to do about it, I was just giving him the story.

I'm really lost and don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry.

You have said that you are incapable of being in denial..yet you clearly have been with regard to the FACT that your wife IS having sex with other men..or women..or ..well..somebody[ies?].

You have a vasectomy..your wife is on the pill or has been...not a whole lot of other conclusions.

They NEVER use protection..mine didn't..yours didn't. Logic has no place in this mindset.

It is all up to you now. An STD is an absolute bar none deal breaker for me. No matter what I may forgive..I will not live out the rest of my life DISEASED because my spouse wanted to lie and screw around. Nope. Too bad, so sorry. Won't work around it and cross my fingers. Even the best of precautions fail. Period. Having sex with a diseased person exposes you to disease. A person with one STD probably has others as well. YUCK.

Sorry to hear this..you know..if SHE suspects it..she probably DOES have it. Warts are hard to miss <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Noodle

Noodle,

I haven't been in denial. You know that I have always said that I believe that WW has had sex with OM. Despite the actual admittance or concrete proof, I had my gut feeling and I went with that.

I know that if she researched in online that she was "scared" of something. Now this letter shows up which tells me that she got tested (I think she got tested, or maybe it's just an info pack).

I don't know if I should confront her or not. I can't imagine the pain she is carrying around with her now that this has happened.

Now I feel sorry for her, I know I probably shouldn't, but I can't help it because I do love her. I never wanted anything bad to happen to her.

Is it wrong to say that Love is unconditional, and that you can forgivem and everyone has faults and then dump your W because now you can no longer have sex with them?

Is it right for you to live a celibate life because your wife is a liar and a cheat?

I would be sorry for her too. I waited for 7 months..in anxiety..because I wanted to remain married to my H..but much as I tried and tried to reconcile the idea of working around an STD..I knew that if I remained I would eventually contract it. I was VERY sorry for the possible future he had brought on himself..after all, I LOVE this man..I have carried 3 of his children. He is carved into the marrow of my bones..but I won't live the rest of my life in fear or illness because he didn't keep it in his pants. No way. Self preservation is a GOOD thing.

VERY fortunate for him..he was clean. Very fortunate. You'll have to make your own choices..just be sure you mean it..'cause once you have an STD..it's with you forever..and if you ever decide at a later date that you need to leave her..your options are pretty much nill. Would YOU marry or even date seriously a person who would likely infect you with something nasty? Nope..other fish in the sea. We make our choices..and we pay for them. No getting around it.

Noodle

If she got genital warts or HPV she will need regular screening for cervical cancer because she would now be at high risk. It can take a few years to manifest.

You will need to read up or ask a physician to find out your risks of contracting the virus once she doesn't have the symptoms. It probably doesn't have to be a deal breaker for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong> ....
Now MIL, who has been praying along with me for WW, just recieved a letter addressed to WW at MIL house. The letter was from the CDC (Center of Disease Control). MIL did not open the letter. She's praying for wisdom to know what to do.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CDC? R U sure? I'd be more concerned about that letter than her research. Why? Because she s/b tested for STD before she even comes home.

JMHO,
L.

Native -

Sorry to hear about this. The HPV virus is the least of your problems. What about herpes, HIV, etc? And like Noodle said, most don't use protection.

I would be very careful about having any SF with your wife until she is tested and is disease free for 6 months, and tested again.

Who is watching the children while she is out til 1:00AM?

Noodle: Would YOU marry or even date seriously a person who would likely infect you with something nasty?

Thank You Noodle, No I wouldn't, it's common knowledge how many STD's are out there, why would anyone subject themselves to this. Even if I was just starting a new, great relationship I would suggest that both partners be tested.

Trix:If she got genital warts or HPV she will need regular screening for cervical cancer because she would now be at high risk. It can take a few years to manifest.

Thanks Trix, I don't know what to do if she has this, I'm so lost.

Orchid: CDC? R U sure? I'd be more concerned about that letter than her research. Why? Because she s/b tested for STD before she even comes home.

Hi Orchid, yes it said CDC. Yes that's why I'm so worried b/c now she has gotten tested or at least a pamphlet from them. Are you saying that she s/b tested before she comes home to the house or she should have been tested before she came home from the place that she got the letter from?

Believer:Sorry to hear about this. The HPV virus is the least of your problems. What about herpes, HIV, etc? And like Noodle said, most don't use protection. I would be very careful about having any SF with your wife until she is tested and is disease free for 6 months, and tested again. Who is watching the children while she is out til 1:00AM?

Hi Believer. Yes I know that this is a big problem now. She could have opened herself up to many other things. The thing about GW is that it is uncurable, if this was something like the clap then I would feel better (don't ask me to explain that one) But it could also be HIV!!!
WW and I haven't had SF until before Dday and definately won't be for the forseable future. Afraid that I'm watching the kids when she's out, don't really have an option since she leaves work @ 11:30 and just goes downtown.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You should go have a complete set of tests done.

She was probably doing these things before she stopped all SF with you.

My H confessed immediately. I got tested anyway..just in case.

Noodle

Noodle,

That's probably a good idea, but I would have found something by now I think. Besides I'm pretty sure she met OM after our vacation in Sept. That is when her phone calls started too him. WW and I haven't had SF in almost 4 months now.

I will most likely go get checked.

I'm leaving now to go to MIL to open the letter to WW. Maybe that's wrong, invading privacy, but as I see it there should be no secrets in marriage!!! And I just have to know.

I'll be back later guys, please pray for me and WW!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong> Hi Everyone,


I get on the computer on Wed. after work and I check the Spy software. At 6 am Wed when she came home she got on and typed in a search:

GENITAL WARTS

I was floored, as I was looking at what she was reading. For the next hour she was reading many different websites and info on Warts. I couldn't believe it! I thought she would at least protect herself!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Now MIL, who has been praying along with me for WW, just recieved a letter addressed to WW at MIL house. The letter was from the CDC (Center of Disease Control). MIL did not open the letter. She's praying for wisdom to know what to do.

Here are the facts:

1. Since Dday WW wants no affection of SF from me.
2. Since Dday WW doesn't want me seeing her naked.
3. I have found birth control pills in WW purse, even though I have a vesectomy, I believe she was taking them, but seems as though she has stopped.

I don't know what to do, please help, I don't know for sure if she has an STD. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Native:

Sorry for this new development. Ok, I am gonna try and help you here. First, as far as I know, Genital Warts/Ulcers is NOT a mandatory CDC reporting disease. Fully 25% of those who have genital ulcers (Herpes) DO NOT KNOW IT.

Now, to be honest you need to really listen to me here. Genital Ulcers (Herpes) is a lifelong disease BUT it is quite manageable and with suppressive therapy (assuming she or you have it) it can be managed quite effectively. IF I WAS YOU, I would be worried about other diseases, especially Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis and ofcourse HIV. THESE ARE THE REPORTABLE STD's. Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and Syphillis are ALL TREATEABLE and curable with proper antibiotic therapy. They can have sequale if NOT treated however. If your wife is searching the web for info on these diseases, there is a VERY HIGH likelihood that she AT LEAST thinks she has been infected. If she has recieved a letter from the CDC, it is quite possible that someone WHO SHE HAS HAD SEXUAL EXPOSURE to has had a POSITIVE RESULT for one of these reportable STD's and she is being notified. At this point, YOU MUST ASSUME that she is infected. There is no other way around this (I don't give a f-ing rats [censored] about LB's or whatever here).

TOMORROW, you need to go to your Primary care doctor and have a genital exam (often warts/ulcers are mistaken as "zits" and "pimples" by the common laymen (and even doctors). You need to have HIV serolgies drawn, and perhaps a urethral swab done to rule out gonorrhea. YOu can get tested for syphills with a simple blood test. Now, what I am telling you is all worse case scenario, but at this point you have to operate under this assumption that your wife has been exposed and is infected, untill ofcourse she is examined and undergoes testing. Even then, she will need a minimun of 6 months of abstinence before HIV can be 100% ruled out.

At this point, at the risk of being "lynched" by certain posters here, I think you need to give SERIOUS consideration for removing yourself from your wife and her potentially destructive and life altering behavior. ALL the f-ing PLan A'ing in the world can NOT cure you of Herpes, HIV, or Genital Warts. As someone stated, it is possible for her to have had genital Warts (caused by the Human Papilloma Virus) for many years and for this not to be related to her affair....You can choose to "believe" this or whatever, but I THINK that would be putting your head in the sand. I don't know if I answered your questions. I think your "marriage building" committment is commendable, but at THIS POINT, knowing what you know, I would seriously question any advice that does NOT have you STRICLY protecting yourself and children here...even if it means DIVORCE. Yeah, I know that is taboo around here, but PLEASE GET OUT OF YOUR DENIAL OF THIS SITUATION.

YOu wanted my opinion and I gave it. You can take it for what you want. I sincerely pray for you my friend. I think your situation is grave, and I feel you may not be able to make the decision you need to make because of some other misguided "concept" of marriage vows. That all sounds great in theory, but you my friend are being slammed with REALITY.

To anyone who is "offended" by my opinion, I have just "two words" for you........on second hand, I will let that pass. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Best wishes.

LM

Lemonman,

I got two words for you

Thank You.

Noodle

Lets not forget HBV..that'll kill you just as dead..easier to catch too.

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong> Lets not forget HBV..that'll kill you just as dead..easier to catch too.

Noodle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, that is a great point. This disease is usually forgotten as a STD, but getting hepatitis is no "picnic". I worry about catching HCV in the OR every day of my life, far more than HIV.

I am sorry if my post seemed "strong" but this is a topic that I cannot imagine how people "rationalize" in the name of MB or whatever. At this point, I could care less if I am "politically correct" here.

Many years ago I had precancerous cells removed from my cervix. No tests were run to find the cause, but I have little doubt that at some point I was probably exposed to a form of HPV, though I never showed any visible signs.

I've done a lot of reading and research over the years about HPV (the virus that causes genital warts). Some cause visable warts, and other forms don't cause anything that can be seen. In much of what I read, it said the virus strains that cause the visable warts are often NOT the ones that put a woman at risk for cervical cancer.

And yes, HPV is one STD that can be spread despite protection with condoms, because it's a skin-to-skin contact thing, not a body-fluid transmission. A very high % of teens and 20-somethings have been exposed because of how open people are with sex outside of marriage.

The warts can be treated by various methods. It's not really them one needs to worry about so much as it is cervical cancer.

In itself, I don't know that I'd let genital warts be a deal-breaker, because you cannot guarantee that the next person you may meet in life hasn't also been exposed to HPV, unless they are a virgin.

However...BIG however.... I would do NOTHING even remotely sexual with my spouse, with or without protection, until they were tested for all STD's, and they came back clean. And even then, I might have to think hard about doing anything without protection for 6 months, just to be sure there was no HIV.

HPV and genital warts aren't deadly (unless one contracts cervical cancer and isn't being screened regularly). HIV IS!!

LL

:::::The HPV virus is the least of your problems. What about herpes, HIV, etc?

Certainly HIV is a big worry for your circumstances - it's on the move and it's happening to ordinary people like your wife. Also herpes, which is best friends with warts could end up a big problem for you. Possibly years of breaking out with painful sores on your genitals. Having to take potent anti viral medication to try and keep ahead of the breakouts. Having to eat well, get lots of rest, exercise and avoid stress to prevent your immune system from running down and breaking out with painful sores. HPV will probably break out just once on you but it can mean being covered with ugly warts all over your private parts that will need to be burned off at an STD clinic, they will assume you caught them playing around. I'm not sure how often they come back after the initial break out.

Your wife is in much bigger trouble from HPV. The two people I know who caught it (an innocent wife being one of them) very quickly went on to get precancerous cells of the cervix and had to have painful lazer treatment to erradicate the precancerous condition before the disease progressed to full blown cancer that could metastases thru their bodies.

I cannot understand your feeling sympathy towards your wife. She doesn't feel any for you. Can't you get angry? It's time!

AN

Herpes..HPV..even though STDs such as this will not kill you..they WILL alter your life.

And having more children when a women is known to be infected is...something to give real consideration to.

Gee, this swinging lifestyle sure is FUN!

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by anyname:
<strong> :::::
I cannot understand your feeling sympathy towards your wife. She doesn't feel any for you. Can't you get angry? It's time!

AN </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">UMMMMM.. actually, if Native wants to continue to try and win his wifes love and committment back, then "getting angry" is NOT AN OPTION. What he needs to do, is in a very calming and loving voice, tell her that exposure to STD's (potentially life threatning mind you) is hurting him and that he cannot tolerate this if this marriage is gonna work. There is no anger or any hint of LB allowed here. He needs to let her know that this may be budding up againt his "boundaries". Please rememebr, he can not control her actions, so in being loving and kind and caring here WITH NO EXPECTATION of any retuirn, he can hopefully show her how wonderful life can be with him and hopefully she will give up the OM. This will make him a much better person. Who wouldn't want this type of EN filled? Now, this is truly "unconditional" love.

Also, as for NOT feeling "sympathy" for her. Once again you may be a tad misguided here. You see, her behavior is all "addiction related" and in a sense she can't control it. There has been a wave of "brain neurotransmitters" that have been fired that make her actions truly questionable, but this is all really a sickness. While her actions are terrible, they are not "really" her. This my friend, is the essence of "THE FOG". Would you not feel sympathy for your spouse if they were suffering from Cancer??????????? This is "kind of" the same concept.......I think.

LM