It was humiliating for * me * to get tested. The hospital staff know that either you or your spouse are screwing around. Oh look..another one.***sigh***. That sigh was never meant for me. It made me angry. I was a virgin, I have earned the right to be disease free with my conscious choice to use restraint.

It was frightening when I discoverred I was pregnant to be tested again .

I sat witing for the results..having a literal anxiety attack, pulse racing..shaking..sweating...nauseated. I could actually SEE my own heart beating thorugh my shirt while waiting for the results. This was after 2 sets of clean tests.

You know what though? That fear? That humiliation? It doesn't leave you. If I find so much as a pimple on the nether parts I am horrified..and I mean an obvious pimple..the kind that are gone by the next day. So I thought..maybe it's just me. Until a friend of mine..who is in the medical field..and has recoverred wonderfully from her Hs A more than 10 years ago..last year found a pimple on him..and was filled with panic.

So..if that is what you get with a negative result..I shudder to think what would happen to a spouse who agreed, out of sentiment, to try and make it work with an infected FWS. I think it would eventually destroy me.

Your mileage may vary, of course.

Noodle

Hello Noodle,

I haven't made up my mind one way or the other yet. I have to wait until I have confronted WW and as you said "I have to know all and forgive all" if I can. If WW chooses to continue to lie to me and not meet my terms, than the M is obviously over. If WW comes clean with everything and meets my terms than again I have a decision to make. Either way I have come to terms that the decision to save the M is now with me. Of course WW can choose also whether she wants the M, but as I see it now her choice doesn't really make that much of a difference. Either way she decides the choice is still mine. I have come to grips that I don't need WW or W. I too wish I could have a time machine and go back, but alas that is not possible.

In the immediate future, (week or so) I am trying to figure out how best to confront WW. Meanwhile trying to stay detached from her and not allow my emotions to get the best of me while confronting her.

How do you say to your WW that your sorry that you (WW) have ruined your life.

Well native

as I have no hope of going to bed until this man of mine decides to stop walking endlessly around the house & over the fences I may as well ans now.

Well the A was ended by HIS wife getting up & saying to him I'm going 5000 km to the Eastern States you can come and start over or P*ss Off , as she explained later to me these are quotes.

It was like being hit between the eyes with a sledge hammer, I woke up and realised what I had been doing, stopped SF with my H who was confused as hell and got tested. Cleared but what if I had not been? What if I had given Aussie something fatal? Yuck, even thinking about is horrible.

Thanks for the input AW,

I hoping that when I do confront my WW and lay it all out that it too will wake her up. Let me clarify this though. I only want her to "wake up" for her own health, sense of who she is, for her salvation, and lastly for our M. If she does wake then I will still need to decide if I want this M or not. But I'm afraid that despite all WW has done to me and the kids I do have a sliver of lover and concern for her. Maybe I just don't know how to give up. I guess it's hard throwing the last 8-10 years away. However I do know that I and the kids will be okay no matter which way I choose.

The thing I'm also worried about is that so far, plan A (which the A, it's never been about EN's just her maturity), our talks about separation and divorce, now her STD, WW has still not woken up from her fog. If all this doesn't do the job, I truly fear what it will take for her to see the light.