Michael,

We were very worried about you. Don't you ever do that again! Now, glad you are working things out with your W and you are getting help for YOU! Can't have an M if you are not well. Thanks for the update.

Suicide is never the answer...Came way to close

Michael,

I knew as soon as we were done speaking on yahoo that night, that something drastic was going to happen. I have been very worried about you, as was everyone else on this board. Like I said before, there's something about you Michael, that just sticks to my very soul. I can breathe a sigh of relief that you're okay now. You were spared.

So, God saved you yet once again, didn't He? There's a reason why you're here, Michael. There is a purpose to all of this. I can't tell you what that is, but I do know, that God loves you so much. God also loves your W & He wants His children to be very happy, He wants the best for BOTH of you. Is this the wake up call your W needed? Who knows. I'm not God, I don't have that answer. But this,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WW stayed by my side the whole time, cried a lot and told me she never realized just how much hurt i was feeling.

She thought I could handle all that she was throwing at me, IC told WW that she needs to decide what she wants and to stop using me as a target and more like a husband. WW cried a lot and hugged me a lot.

WW told me that just the thought of never seeing and holding me again scared her beyond words.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you have your answer. God has answered you my friend. Your W does love you. Sometimes it takes a great big kick in the pants or a smack on the face to wake us up to reality. God knows what is needed. He gives it. He didn't make that choice of yours for you, you made it, but did He use it to get your W's attention? Most definitely yes. I don't think your IC needed to tell your W what she has. I think your W knew all along & yet doesn't feel deserving enough to receive it.

You both have been given a fresh start, Michael. Let her help you recover & start down that road of healing TOGETHER. I want to thank our Heavenly Father for keeping you with us. You are such a blessing to your W, to your children, to all of us here & I thank God for intervening on this one.

Take care Michael. Rest. Remember when you had heard Him calling you to come rest w/Him? You are now. Rest in His comfort. Rest in His word. Let Him guide you as you take these next steps. Feel Him all around you & you'll keep finding the strength each day to go on. Days will turn into weeks & weeks into years. Have patience. This is a new journey of faith.

Hopefully I'll speak to you soon.

Love in Christ,
Y

UPDATE:

WW is now on day 41 and we are actually doing somewhat good, I wish I could say great but great takes time and effort.

I am on a new AD and it seems to be working faster then the paxil.

WW seems happier and a lot more effectionate, I guess losing me forever really scared her, I never thought I would be one of those people that gives up on life but I did, and I'm glad BIL showed up and got help.

WW tells me that she is more in favor of saving M now and that she feels bad about a lot of the things she has said. WW also told me that she loves me just not in -love with me, I can handle that for now.

I feel a little stronger,

I wish I could say work was going well, this last thing may have caused me my job or worse a demotion, grrrr

I have to meet with boss tomorrow at 1:00 pm..

Please anyone that reads this please say a prayer that I am not demoted or lose my job, things are tough enough without this happening...

Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers..

Hi Michael,

I am glad you are ok and realize how drastic things were and that you are still here to know that what you did is not going to happen again. Your kids would have been devastated and you'd be powerless to help them.Truly more tragic than what you are going through now.

Please don't cry out for help that way again,whatever you did.MB is an all night "diner" and there is always someone here to listen and so is the crisis hotline and family/friends.And of course,God too.

Good to hear from you.

O

Michael:

Sorry for this very unfortunate turn of events. I am worried for you, actually very worried. I don't think you should tie your "personal recovery" from this in any way, shape or form to your marriage recovery. How your WW acts to you or how her interest in your marriage recovery is always going to be out of your control and you cannot let her feelings and actions temper yours. I hope that you can realize this. I know that you want your marriage to last beyond anything else (even your life) , but I hope and pray you see my point. I don't have any other advice here, but just some hope and prayers for you.

Your children are always going to need you, please don't ever let your wife's feelings towards you or your marriage dictate what you do again. Plan A/Plan B...all that HAS TO to be secondary to your "personal" recovery now. There is no way you can ever hope to recover your marriage if you do not seriously work on what things are going on "inside you" to allow yourself to take your own life.

Your WW actions now cannot really be taken at face value AFTER THIS EVENT. In this, I mean that you almost killed yourself, she is likely going to feel very guilty about all of this, but that will NEVER be enough to make you recover. That "guilt" cannot sustain marriage or her feelings for you to stay together (I suspect you already know this). You need to separate your feelings on recovering with her from you getting your own help. All other things (job, finances, etc..) need to be way down the list while you get help.

God, I don't know what else to say, I hope you find the help you need my friend. I really do.

Your friend always,

LM


EDITED TO ADD************************
P.S. After reading what others have posted to you in this thread, I am seriously debating whether to delete my post to you. I know that my advice on seeking your own "recovery" separate from your marriage recovery is 100% against what most would post here, but I feel strongly about this. If you feel my advice is to detrimental to you and your "marriage recovery", please let me know and I will delete it ASAP.

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

LemonMan:

please do not delete your post...I understand what you mean, And I am not sure how to take my ww's actions right now.

All I can say is i'm sorry for what I almost did, But that I do believe once I fix me I can save my M as well. I over heard my ww telling her friend that she does not want to end this M and that she is going to stick it out.

In the mean time, I'm going to fix me and just go with the flow of me and the ww..

No LB's, no Judgments, No reminding her of the A...Just try to be there for her and me..

Hi Michael. Happy New Year. I'm relieved. So relieved.

I sure hope we've heard the last of this self-destructive stuff, dude.

GC

LM,

I agree w/you 100%. Michael needs to recover himself first and foremost. I do believe if he concentrates on this, with God's help, his W will follow suit & then they can do it together. Please don't delete any of your posts. I like your style. To the point - no holding back your thoughts. Some of us really need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Michael,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I am not sure how to take my ww's actions right now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Observe the actions closely. And when she's in her "foggy" state, believe that she is so entrapped in her world of sin, that satan will fill her mouth w/words of lies & she will actually believe those lies for a while. Just let God continue to work on her heart & you concentrate on your R w/Him & getting Him close to YOUR heart. Everything else will fall into place in God's timing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In the mean time, I'm going to fix me and just go with the flow of me and the ww..
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wonderful! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Y

Update:

Well the WW is now on day 43 of No contact and I believe doing very well. I think it's me that is doing not so good these day's.

Today I was having a bad day and tried letting the ww know this, I tried telling her how I was feeling but something I said upset her and before I knew it the LB's were dropped.

We argued for about 20 minutes and then both realized what we were doing and saying, I told her I was sorry and she said sorry and we made up.

Is there something I can do that will make it easier for me to appraoch her and talk with her about things without her getting so upset with me.

I feel I need her help to heal but it upsets her to talk about how I feel towards the A...any idea's on how a BS can deal with these issues and still be in recovery of some sort.

The past day or so we have been spending quality time together playing Scrabble and watching Tv or just drinking coffee and talking about nothing.

I don't feel as strong as I did a few days ago and not sure what to do. The ww keeps telling me she wants to take it week by week and I am ok with that, I just want to make sure it's for real and not a fake recovery, How can you tell the diffrence?

I also am wondering: When do you know you can trust your ww again? I mean it's been 43 day's and I still have my doubts, is this normal and should I try talking it out with her?

UPdate Again:

WW just told me that she still wants to move out in June and that she has just been trying to survive here until then and that all the things she has been doing has been just a survival tactic..Do I believe her or is she still in the fog..

Today I was having a bad day and tried letting the ww know this, I tried telling her how I was feeling but something I said upset her and before I knew it the LB's were dropped.

Michael

I know it's hard, really, really hard to deal with a fog-bound WW, but, the LB have got to stop!

Think of EVERY Love Buster as a REASON your WW should NOT STAY WITH YOU, because that's exactly what is going on here.

Plan A is the complete elimination of LB's. Not one slip a week, or one slip a day, it is the complete ELIMINATION of LB's.

EVERY LB gives her thoughts that the OM is the better choice for her future.

Every act of LOVE and CARE for your WW that you do as part of Plan A, is UNDONE, instantly and completely, when you issue LB's.

Self control is the issue. Think about your M, Pre-Affair. Were not some of the conflicts that were a part of your marriage the cause for LB's? From both sides? And an unheathy marriage is vulnerable to A's? You know all this stuff.

Please, please, rethink your position, and cease and desist from the utterance of even ONE MORE LB.

If you cannot think of something other than an LB, excuse yourself from the conversation, call a time out, and tell your WW that you'll speak on the issue when you are calm and in control.

Please, Michael, for you, work on the self-control issues, and stop the LoveBusters.

Pulling for you!
SD

Edited to add "Take a look at this thread. Someone else going through the same things as you. The responses he's getting should be helpful to you, and I think you'd gain some insight into Plan A, the patience required, and how to measure success. Please take a look!"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=035491

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

UPDATE: 01/05/05

Well today is day 44 and ww had a little bit of a moment last night where she attacked. I have to learn not to LB back at her. It's hard because of the pain it causes and all of you are right, I need to work on me while trying to fill every En of her's I can. I need to learn to take what she say's at fog value and go on.

Is there a chance that she really does want out of the MArriage? I asked her last night when things were really settled if she wants out of the Marriage and all she could say was that she did not know what she wants.

How do you fill someone's en's that wont let you, she tells me that she is starting to lose her feelings for the Om and that she is starting to have some kind of feelings for me, She really confuses me when she acts and talks like this...

Any advice?

One more time, Michael.

Do
your
plan
no
matter
what
she
says

Got that?

GC

Deposits in a WS's love bank add up, albiet slowly.

Think of all the good you do as the water seeping though the rocks in a cave, creating stallagmites and stallagtites (sp?). These are not created overnight. It takes a steady supply of water (your love) and time (your patience and determination).

Think of each LoveBuster you utter as a vandal in the cave taking a baseball bat to the lovely stallagmite that took years to form.

Correct those things about you that make you less than a great husband.

Stay

in

the

Plan!

SD

Michael,

You are so lucky that there is NC. There are many here who spend months trying to negotiate NC. So you have already made a great stride. Try to push out the doubt. Focus on God to give you strength and comfort and you will succeed.

I just don't understand after 44 day's of No Contact how she can still be in the fog and talking like this, Could she really want out of the MArriage and if so what the hell is keeping her here?

I just don't get this act she is putting me through, do they always bounce back and forth like this?

How long will this keep going on? when do you stop seeing it as fog and start to realize it may be real?

IS there a way to know?

Michael

It will take longer than you want for it to take. No matter how long that is.

Look at the bright side. Every day she has NC with the OM is another day the OM has to find another A partner. How long will he "remain true" to your WW with NC. Has he just put his life on "hold" waiting for your WW to be "free" in June?

Every day NC stays in place is a HUGE VICTORY for you. Not the kind you celebrate with fireworks, but of the kind you celebrate with just enough strength to make "one more day".

Meet her EN's, without expecting anything in return. Love her unconditionally. Eliminate ALL LoveBusters. Invite her to do FUN things, without ANY relationship talk. Go on dates, out to eat, out to movies, out to concerts, you know her likes and dislikes, cater to her likes.

Be creative and fun loving, always upbeat in her presence. NEVER allow her fogspeak to break your upbeat appearance in her presence.

Time and patience. Success by inches, not by miles. Keep a smile on your face, because you know you have a plan. Your WW has no such plan, so you have the upper hand.

Keep the faith, Michael!

SD

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

For many months, she'll vacillate.

And you will do what you plan to do. Your actions do not have to be ruled by her doubts. Those doubts and fears should not control you.

Don't make me hop on our snow survey plane and come kidnap you and dip you in Lake Ontario to make you get it.

GC

GREYCLOUD:

Don't make me hop on our snow survey plane and come kidnap you and dip you in Lake Ontario to make you get it.


ROFLMAO: Will you wash my back?

I guess I have always been the hurry up kind of guy. I have always been fast paced and expect changes to happen in weeks not months and it drives me insane.

Tonight she came home all hugs and kisses and laughing....I just want my wife back...