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UPDATE:

DAY 45 of No Contact.

WW is back in the fog again with some of her insane talk again. She sat down with me last night while we played Scrabble Deluxe and told me how she felt.

Told me that she feels like a prisoner in our Marriage and that I'm forcing something that does not fit. I just smiled at her and told her I understand and that I don't feel she should feel this way and that if she wants I will give up and walk away. She told me No she does not want me to give up yet.

I told her that I care a great deal for her and her happiness means more to me then anything. I ran a nice bath for her with some nice scent oils and lit a bunch of candles for her, She soaked in the tub for a while and then called for me to wash her back.

She talked to me some more about how she feels like we will never get through this and that I will never forgive or forget what she has done.

WW also told me that she is going to try and stay till June but that she will most likely move out then.

We had SF and it was nice, she told me that she loves having SF with me because of the way I take care of her. I told her thats because I'm putting LOVE into it not just motions. She asked me to hold her and then she talked about things we need to do to the house for christmas next year <--- get that....She is talking about next xhristmas but then telling me she is leaving in June, she does this often and it confuses and gets my hopes up.

I asked her to please talk to me like an adult and do not talk to me with such hate in her heart, I told her if she can't talk to me with compassion or as an adult without being mean and nasty then please do not say anything to me at all..

I told her that I understand how she feels but that she also has to understand how I feel, I can't walk away from a Marriage that at one time was built on trust and Love even if it was one sided. I told her that I will always love her but that I won't tolerate her being nasty anymore.

CPS is going to close the case against her but if her actions continue they will file neglect charges against her and take her to court, She told me thank you for standing by her side through all of this and that she does appreciate my being so strong for her, ww also told me that she hopes I never try taking my life again, because she needs me around....hmmmmmm

Well life is going ok, ww is acting in the nice mode today.....

Michael, you're doing great! So with that out of the way...

Know when I'll know old MSchluter is really getting somewhere?

When a day passes and we hear more about how he's doing than his wife's mood.

Head up, my man. B'lie' dis: you've got it better 'n' some of us.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> Know when I'll know old MSchluter is really getting somewhere?

When a day passes and we hear more about how he's doing than his wife's mood.

Head up, my man. B'lie' dis: you've got it better 'n' some of us.

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are wise words Michael.

UPDATE:

WW is now on day 48 of No Contact but my Pi buddy has informed me that he thinks she may have found out who is watching her and now being more careful.

He is going to assign this chick to watch my wife for a coup[le weeks to see if she can catch her. Then again she may actually be on day 48 and that would be wild, What makes me worry is her mood swings, going on day 48 you would think she would be through most of the fog and crap.

I pray almost daily but I just don't know if I'm being heard.

Well I will catch up with all of you later, take care and have a great day.

I would see the mood swings as positive. If she's in the dumps sometimes it's hopefully because of withdrawl and that means NC.

LEGATO:

I would love to see her mood swings as positive but I can't even get her to tell me whats on her mind anymore. It's like talking to a wall of ice lately.

The kids seem a little happier and me and the ww are getting along and she tells me she has had zero contact but these doubts are killing me even when I have a PI on her all the time.

Even the PI is second guessing himself and thier tactics, he even has this young lady watching ww for a couple weeks to see if she notices her.

She is even careful who she emails. She was on the phone with a GF who is all for the A and ww does not think home phone is tapped any more, and the GF asked her how we were doing and she said good, and that we have are good days and bad day's but then GF asked her something and wife did not answer almost silence and GF just said ok and went on talking. I think ww may know phone is still tapped, or just guessing..

She runs around the house talking about of these things that need to be done and yet she is also talking about leaving in June. Drives me crazy.

Work is not going so god because of the medical leave, I had a new company call me the other day asking for a face to face interview this week with the Regional person.

If anyone reads this post please say a prayer for me and ww and kids..Thank you.

any idea's? would be greatly appreciated

UPDATE :

WW is now on Day 50 and I'm not sure what to make of it anymore.

This is a vent with advice needed post.


I'm sorry I have not been on very much but it's been a very rough couple day's and I'm just about at wits end with ww. She told me that she needed a couple weeks before she felt comfy enough to tell me the rest of the secrets involving her A, well last night I asked her if she would be willing to tell me the rest, and before I knew it she blew up, was dropping LB's and telling me she hates me and would rather be with any other man then me, This of course blew my doors off sense I have been feeling good about us the past couple weeks but I swear the past four or five days have been a living hell, At least once a day she has some kind of nasty remark to make to me and it's getting old.

I keep telling her that I refuse to be talked to like that anymore, she got really upset and attacked me last night. I have three scratch marks on my neck and nail marks on my wrist where she grabbed at me.

I put her down on the ground and told her to calm down or I would have her removed from the house, it took her five minutes to calm down and then she just came out and told me that she does not think she will ever love me, and that having SF with me confuses her because she feels she has to rather then wants to. She told me she really enjoys it once we get going but that she just does not have those feelings for me that would make her initiate it or want it as much.

I am getting bombed on a daily basis here by her hatred and nasty remarks, when will this stop?

Is this still part of the withdrawal even though she claims she does not even think of OM nearly as much. I just can't seem to get us back on track and when I feel I do, she throws wrenches into the works.

She told me there is nothing else to tell about the Affair, but yet she referrs to certain matters as, when I feel ready, if there is nothing else why say that?

I feel like I'm ready to blow up any day now. I'm so tired of the Om and his BS, and i'm tired of the feeling the fool role, She holds all this crap against me and throws it in my face but I better not even mention A or she goes bullistic on me..

How much more do I take, Will this ever get better, I'm trying so hard to fill her needs but she fights me tooth and nail, She told me she likes my hugs and kisses and loves cuddling with me in bed but she just feels she is wasting her time trying right now. She told me she is just buying time till June, grrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm like so ready to blow it's not even funny...

I called her into work today so she could get some rest, she slept all day and then got up pissed because I called her into her job, I cooked dinner for the kids, took my youngest for a walk and then played upwards with my 10 yr old..

what more can I do to make her happy or is it all a big waist of time? When do I see my wife and not this hateful, spiteful, mad ww?

Please anyone, I need help and fast...I feel like just blowing up and throwing her out and pounding the crap out of Om who is at work until 9:30 tonight. he works five minutes from our home....


Help Help Help Help Help

HELP

Michael,

Stop please worrying about your WW's moods. Make your home a joyful place for you and your children. Your wife will see what she is missing out on because of her bad moods. Please do not base your happiness on her reactions to you or her moods. That is a losing battle, I know I have been there. We did not make progress until I started to focus on myself and our children. I worked out, lost weight, smiled a lot and he saw this could be a happy home. Hang in there and vent here all you like.

Micheal,

It's not about WW. It's all about you. What positive thing(s) are you going to do for YOU today.

You can only control YOU. Do not let anything WW says or does impact you. Alien creature, not responsible for her words or deeds while in the fog. And in the fog she is.

So you are the strong, sane, responsible adult, fully responsible for you and your kids, day by day.

Seek strength from within, and ye shall find it!
SD

You listen to her, a crazy person, and believe she means what she says. She has no clue! But she might get one in time to not lose you.

Michael, be the best Michael, and let her reaction to the best Michael be her matter!

She's not in any shape to talk about her future plans.

GC

Michael,

I gotta admit, this confuses me too. If she is on day 50 of NC what is all this nastiness about? I went back and read what you wrote about day 45 and it sounded like she was opening up and softening a bit but there was still this anger and, I guess verbal abuse from her. You also mentioned somewhere that she doesn't think that she can ever forgive or forget. Does that mean that she can't forgive herself and that the anger is coming from guilt? Just a thought.

I know that everyone else is saying just discount all of this as fog talk but to me it sounds like there is something else going on here. It sounds like there is a lot of anger in your house and its escalating to physical abuse. It sounds like you are trying to make the home as peaceful and pleasant as you possibly can. If she is determined to make your home unpleasant then you need a strategy for dealing with that. That may mean asking her to leave when she starts getting abusive or else you removing yourself from the house so that you do not get caught up in it.

It sounds to me like you are trying to do this whole process *for* her -- that you are carrying both her share of the recovery load and yours, because you are scared to death that nothing will happen if you don't.

Back off. Leave her alone for a while. Let her think about what she will be missing if she does not step up and carry her share of the work to recover a marriage she wrecked.

She's not going to do this as long as you are doing so much of it *for* her. Why should she? She can just go on being selfish and mean and lazy when it comes to recovery, and take none of that uncomfortable responsibility.

For example: Next time she goes nuts and tries to physically hurt you and then sleeps all the next day, let HER be the one to worry about HER job.

I'm still trying to understand how you can be in "recovery" when she's still threatening to leave in June.
Mulan

MULan:

I am scared, I fear her making contact again, I fear her leaving, I fear her getting mad at me, I fear what this is going to do to the kids.

I don't consider us in recovery until she agree's to save the M, All she is doing right now is having No contact with OM -----> Day 51

I sometimes think she is still in the fog.

everyone say's to focus on me and the kids and the house but it's so hard to find a reason to smile, It's so hard to sit there and get verbally assaulted whenever she feels the need.

Whenever she gets mad, she tells me it's because she feels like a prisoner in our marriage and that she wants out and that she does not love me and can't see ever loving me again.

She also tells me that if it were not for cps she would have left months ago...

She has her good day's and she has her bad day's...lately I must admit that it has been more bad then good.

I told her the other night that if she is so unhappy then maybe she should leave because I want a wife here in the house not a mean nasty ww who feels better onlt after attacking the man that loves her and wants to stand by her side..

any thought, feel free to post..I need it bad today..

Today wife went to work all dressed up in her tight jeans and short sweater and perfume on and makeup, this is a trade mark for her seeing OM...I know i'm just being stupid but it makes me think...maybe to much

***I am scared, I fear her making contact again, I fear her leaving, I fear her getting mad at me, I fear what this is going to do to the kids.***

I don't blame you for being scared of all this -- I certainly understand being right there -- but the one thing you should be more afraid of is letting this cruel stalemate go on and on and on.

***I don't consider us in recovery until she agree's to save the M, All she is doing right now is having No contact with OM -----> Day 51***

Well, there you go. I still think she is playing you and is just using you as a safety net and meal ticket while she does whatever it is she's planning to do. No FWS who really is a *F*WS behaves the way yours does. If she has not agreed to work on the marriage, she is clearly not a FWS.

***I sometimes think she is still in the fog.***

I think she's still living a double life and is bullying you in order to keep it, just like so many WS do. Stop being afraid of her. She's counting on your being afraid of her. She wants to get mad? LET HER. She does this because it works -- because she knows you will back down from her anger. LET HER GET MAD. Just sit back and watch. If she really goes nuts, call the cops. DO IT. Let HER deal with the consequences of her own rotten behavior.

***everyone say's to focus on me and the kids and the house but it's so hard to find a reason to smile, It's so hard to sit there and get verbally assaulted whenever she feels the need.***

I understand. I don't think "recovery" requires you to be a punching bag and a target for emotional and physical abuse. Besides, how's that workin' for ya?

***Whenever she gets mad, she tells me it's because she feels like a prisoner in our marriage and that she wants out and that she does not love me and can't see ever loving me again.***

One morning my H and I were having, for the millionth time, a "discussion." We were in the living room and he was sitting in a chair by the front door. He was angrily arguing, for the millionth time, about how important it was for him to support his company's policy of "no spouses allowed at social events, ever" and how I was ruining his fabulous career by insisting on intruding in it. (I had this bizarre idea that spouses should be welcome at the fancy off-site awards dinner they were having. He has a long, long history of going to stuff like that and enjoying the evening with his favorite little office tramp the whole time. Can't do that if the old ball-and-chain is there.)

I finally "got it." I stopped trying to convince him to see it my way. Instead, I walked to the front door, opened it wide, and *calmly* told him that he was free to go wherever he wanted to go and do whatever he wanted to do with whoever he wanted to do it with.

I told him that I was not his jailer, I was not his boss, and I was not his mommy. I was tired of not being welcome in his life and really had no interest in going where I was not invited. Have a nice day.

Then I walked out of the room, went into the bathroom, closed the door, locked it, and waited until he left (he was on his way to work.)

His big awards dinner is tonight. He still thinks spouses should not go, but he has said he is not going because he knows how I feel about it.

***She also tells me that if it were not for cps she would have left months ago...***

See above.

***She has her good day's and she has her bad day's...lately I must admit that it has been more bad then good. I told her the other night that if she is so unhappy then maybe she should leave because I want a wife here in the house not a mean nasty ww who feels better onlt after attacking the man that loves her and wants to stand by her side..***

See above -- but you've got to mean it. Don't say this because you're hoping she'll say, "Oh, no, I really want to stay . . . " Say it because you mean it and if she does turn around and leave, LET HER.

***any thought, feel free to post..I need it bad today..***

You cannot control what she does -- but you can control what you are willing to put up with in your life. Turn her loose. Since she complains all the time about wanting to leave, agree with her and tell her to go ahead. You want her to be happy and she is obviously not happy at home. And, frankly, you are miserable trying to live with someone who is herself angry and miserable and abusive.

The very next time she says something about this, walk to the front door, open it, and tell her that you are not her jailer. She is free to go anytime she wants, but she is not free to abuse you (and the children) anymore. Then walk away to another room, or get in the car and leave, or something, while she stands there at the open door. Let HER figure it out and stop trying to do it for her.

***Today wife went to work all dressed up in her tight jeans and short sweater and perfume on and makeup, this is a trade mark for her seeing OM...I know i'm just being stupid but it makes me think...maybe to much***

I would bet just about anything that she's still seeing her boyfriend. Maybe if you got proof, as from a PI or from a tap on the phone or a recorder in her car, you would find the strength to tell her to move out until she gets her life together and stops abusing her family.

But please -- do SOMETHING. She will abuse you and play you and use you as long as you will let her. If she wants the marriage, she's got to work WITH you -- and if she refuses to do that, then what, really, are you saving?

Good luck. I sympathize. Go open that door for her.
Mulan

MULAN:

I have told her to leave if she is so unhappy and she always just gets madder and blows up at me.

I have a PI ( Very Good Army Buddy ) who has been getting Tapes, Video and pictures of her from day one with OM.

She has had zero contact with Om in 51 day's...My thinking is she is starting to go crazy again from not seeing him and I think she like that dog on the invisible fence, she is testing her Boundries on how far she can go before being zapped.

I have told her that I am not her warden, Her keeper, I have told her that I'm the man that LOVES her and wants to stand by her side.

She tells me that I don't listen and that she does not want this marriage anymore and that it is not the OM's fault.

We still have SF even though it's been getting less and less the past week or so.

She still gives me hugs and kisses and tells me she does it because she appreciates my standing by her side.

I told her two nights ago that maybe she should move to her mom's for a while and figure out what she really wants, But once again she then tell me that she wants to see what can happen between us and that she is giving it to JUNE.

WW keeps talking like she is staying past JUNE as well, she talks about things we need to do to the house this summer, places we can go and talks to the kids like everything is going to be ok.

WW also tells me that my R talks are what is pushing her away and that she feels like I don't need to know everything,

ww wants me to stop doubting her and just triust her, she broke down and cried on Friday telling me that I will never trust her again and that I will always throw her A up in her face ( I have done this a couyple times latley )

I'm just at a loss on what myu next move should be...

MULAN:

I have told her to leave if she is so unhappy and she always just gets madder and blows up at me.

I have a PI ( Very Good Army Buddy ) who has been getting Tapes, Video and pictures of her from day one with OM.

She has had zero contact with Om in 51 day's...My thinking is she is starting to go crazy again from not seeing him and I think she like that dog on the invisible fence, she is testing her Boundries on how far she can go before being zapped.

I have told her that I am not her warden, Her keeper, I have told her that I'm the man that LOVES her and wants to stand by her side.

She tells me that I don't listen and that she does not want this marriage anymore and that it is not the OM's fault.

We still have SF even though it's been getting less and less the past week or so.

She still gives me hugs and kisses and tells me she does it because she appreciates my standing by her side.

I told her two nights ago that maybe she should move to her mom's for a while and figure out what she really wants, But once again she then tell me that she wants to see what can happen between us and that she is giving it to JUNE.

WW keeps talking like she is staying past JUNE as well, she talks about things we need to do to the house this summer, places we can go and talks to the kids like everything is going to be ok.

WW also tells me that my R talks are what is pushing her away and that she feels like I don't need to know everything,

ww wants me to stop doubting her and just triust her, she broke down and cried on Friday telling me that I will never trust her again and that I will always throw her A up in her face ( I have done this a couyple times latley )

I'm just at a loss on what myu next move should be...

***I have a PI ( Very Good Army Buddy ) who has been getting Tapes, Video and pictures of her from day one with OM.
She has had zero contact with Om in 51 day's...***

Are you really, really sure of this? Is your buddy still taping and following her? From what you describe, I'd swear your WS was still seeing her OM.

***My thinking is she is starting to go crazy again from not seeing him and I think she like that dog on the invisible fence, she is testing her Boundries on how far she can go before being zapped.***

This may well be denial and wishful thinking on your part. BTDT.

***She tells me that I don't listen and that she does not want this marriage anymore and that it is not the OM's fault.***

***But once again she then tell me that she wants to see what can happen between us and that she is giving it to JUNE.***

She can't have it both ways -- but she sure is managing to have exactly that, isn't she?

So, which is it? If she can't decide, it's because she has ALREADY decided. She wants what she has -- both a boyfriend and a safety net -- and she'll put up with just about anything to keep it.

***WW also tells me that my R talks are what is pushing her away and that she feels like I don't need to know everything,***

***ww wants me to stop doubting her and just triust her,***

Both statements are hallmarks of the WS who does NOT "get it," and who is just trying to find a way to keep both her husband and her boyfriend. I still think that's what you're really dealing with. I hope I'm wrong.
Mulan