Not sure if I should be upset or not...


FWW lied to me about a small thing but when is a lie to small to care or when is it just what it is " A LIE"


I found out that FWW told a couple she babysits for about the Affair a few weeks ago while it was still going on. I asked FWW if she had discussed her shame with anyone so that I would not feel wierd around anyone we new and she told me no..She had not told anyone..

Should I be upset or just let it go with the many other lies she has told.

Hi Michael,

First of all,I don't think your WW gets the *F* in front yet.That should come later if she deserves it.

Next,it is a common occurrence from what I have read that lies can come out piece meal,bit by bit and it's destrcutive to any rebuilding of trust.Some WS's claim not to remember everything and I am not the best one to remark about that not being a WS myself but yes,if and when the time comes to really get down to brass tacks and delve into recovery,everything should come out and anything you ask about she be answered 100% honestly whether or not it's hurts to hear it.

This newfound "lie" will surely not be the last but how did you find out? You are not talking about relationship issues yet with the WW are you?

By the way,are you feeling better today after reading the old letters last night?

O

Octobergirl Asked:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This newfound "lie" will surely not be the last but how did you find out? You are not talking about relationship issues yet with the WW are you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was out early today and ran into the lady that my WW babysits for and she asked how me and XXX were doing and I told her we were doing fine. She then caught me off guard by telling me she had heard what XXX was doing and that she had told her everything and that she hoped we could work it out. Talk about Surprise and looking like an A$$..

And I am not even close to having the R talk yet. I had a quiet weekend where I stayed away from the ww and just spent the weekend being myself and writing. On saturday the kids went to a friends house for a few hours so I could get some thinking done.





</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By the way,are you feeling better today after reading the old letters last night? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I typed up part of a letter I wrote to XXX back in " 97 " while serving in Bosnia on clean up detail. It hurt me to read some of the letters I had written her and it killed me to read the ones she had written to me.

But yes I feel a little better, I have my weak moments and then I have my strong moments. I only wish I could be stronger.

I am numb to her lies hurting me, They just make me mad because they are pointless and serve no purpose but push me further away from her then I already am. I don't even know if I should confront her on this lie or just see if she tells me one day..So how are you doing today? I hope your sitch is better then mine.

Michael,

Don't feel too badly about the mix up with the other lady your WW babysits for.I am sure she understands that you may not have wanted to say anything and your WW just spilled the beans.In the beginning,my WH was telling people where we used to live that he was separated and I was upset.I didn't want him telling anybody anything back then and here he is spilling it a bunch of people who,IMO,didn't get my side and also it was none of their business.

At the time,I was sure that my WH was telling people just so he could start bringing the homewrecker around them and they wouldn't be shocked.I didn't appreciate that he was doing this without my knowledge.I don't care today because all the people that matter know my side of the story.I don't really care what he is telling "aquaintances".But,after the beginning,he has pretty much clammed up and is not talking to anyone,that I know of,about his problems and adultery.I mean,who can he really talk to about something as disgusting and sordid as this? The homewrecker for sure but I know he is aching to talk to other's,like me and family and no one wants to hear it.

If I were you I would not bring up the lie your WW told until you are both ready and committed to going down the Recovery road.No point now unless you feeling strongly otherwise.That's your choice.

I have a big box of love letters my WH sent to me too that are so romantic and loving.I don't read those anymore because it hurts so I packed them up with all the other paraphernalia and it's all in my cellar.I once gave him several letters to reread so he could remember that our whole entire life together was NOT so unhappy,as the homewrecker has lead him to believe.But,ultimately,it made no difference.Maybe you should consider not reading yours right now since you are still vulnerable.

As for me,I am doing well.Thanks for asking.I had a crummy weekend dealing with WH e-mails about alimony and CS,etc but I got through it relatively unscathed.Now I don't have to see or hear from my WH for two weeks until he comes back into town for visitation to see my girls so that is comforting.I don't know if my situation is "better" per se but I do feel good,more often than not these days.That's a plus. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

I sometimes wonder why a person really goes out and cheats on there spouse. I mean come on, it's almost sad.

I have been through he!! and back with my ww and I still have no clue as to what her Affair was about. I don't even know if it would help me to ask because of how she lies so much these day's.

Her lies have gotten so bad, She actually lied to me a few months back about her school bag. I asked her where it was and she said she did not know then tell s me two months later that it's at the daycare where she works. This is sad.

It's almost like they feel they need to lie about everything just to hide the shame they must feel for there betrayal.

I took a hard look in the mirror tiday and I saw Failure stearing me straight in the face, I have gone up and down the rough road on her A and the only thing I can make of it is that I am the blame to it, And before anyone gets all riled up, hear me out.

If I had been loving she would have stayed faithful.

If I had communicated more she would have stayed faithful.

If I had treated her fairly she would have stayed faithful.

If I was able to provide a steady income she would have stayed faithful.

If I had been more understanding she would have stayed faithful.

If I had treated her like an equal she would have stayed faithful.

If I had loved her more she would have stayed faithful.

If I had told her how beautiful she was more often she would have stayed faithful.

If I had been more attractive she would have stayed faithful.


So as you can see it is my fault she cheated, and I need to be held accountable for this is some huge way. Because of my actions my kids have no mother in the house. I feel like scum for doing this to her. it was my lack of commitment that turned my loving wife into a ww and I am just sick with the thought of it.

I feel like I need to fix this with her before it's to late. She called me five times on sat and four times on sunday and six times today. I have not answerd the phone at all. I don't know what to do about all of this anger I feel over her lies and yet everyone say's someone has to break the chain, and I guess that will have to be me.

I AM ACCOUNTABLE........

And I can only hope GOD will forgive me for my sin's against my ww...

She has left me quite a few messages and looking at her letters she wrote me while I was oversea's I can sea that she loved me deeply.

I feel so lost right now, I feel the strength slipping from my soul.

I hate the days where the pain just rips through you.

--------------------------------------------------


A Broken Heart
Michael Schluter 2/27/05

How can she get pleasure
out of my pain?
How does she know what to do to drive me completely insane?
How can she hurt me so much and not even care?
I would never have done this to her,
I wouldn't have dared.
She breaks my heart with every word she says and still has the energy to laugh in my face.
I can turn my back and look another way,
but I can't hide from the hurt she has left to stay.
I yell out of anger and cry out of pain,
I sit here driving myself crazy
while she is perfectly sane.
I wish she could feel everything,
Everything she has brought on to me,
so she could feel miserable and let me be.

^ Help

MICHAEL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Are you kidding me? I'm sorry.I rarely give out 2x4's but this last post warrants you one.

We will not take that self pity crap here and you know it! Your WW is the SOLE responsible party here to make the choice to CHEAT...TWICE! to solve her problems.IT'S NEVER THE ANSWER TO ANYTHING NO MATTER WHAT! I AM riled up.This almost seems like a joke because you know darn well that what you said is not true.Why do you do that?

I am going to bed now and hope that when I come back here tomorrow and check on people,you have a different frame of mind,if you catch my drift.Don't you dare start slipping back into that hole.

O

Micheal:

Your post above is a very very sad indictment of your mental psyche. I really am afraid for you. There is no marriage building plan in the world that can help you see the severe and utter dysfunction in your post.

I am kind of aghast at it all. I don't think I have ever felt so sad reading another's post. I feel that Harley's MB program is being severely MISINTERPRETED by you. Anyone who encourages you to seek reconciliation with your wife now considering the complete and utter chaos that runs in your mind is not doing you any favors.

I am sorry if I am saying things you don't want to hear or things that upset others here, but in good consciousness I cannot keep quiet about it all. I will have to cease posting to your thread b/c I feel you cannot benefit from my advice or opinion. It can only hurt you and I don't want to do that to you.

Someone like Mimi1254 who is intelligent and well versed in these MB principles is the kind of person you want leading you back into reconciliation with your wife.

I feel sorry for you my friend. I can only imagine the turmoil you live in every day for you to have posted what you did above.

I can't help you here. I support you still and always root for you.

Best wishes.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Michael,

My FWH would like to e-mail you. Would that be alright? He started posting on here a bit ago under the name lost_boyz. He's posted once on the recovery board & mostly lurks. He knows how concerned I am for your situation & would like to try to help in some way.

I just wanted to come on here & give you cyberhugs {{{Michael}}}. I wish I could take away the pain for you but I have to echo Octobergirl & say that blaming yourself for your W's choices will only cause you more misery. Yes, you may have been lacking in areas as a H, but in no way are you responsible for her choice to cheat. That was her decision & her decision only. The only thing you can do is try to make yourself a better person & now that you've recognized what it was the helped caused the disintegration of the M, God has forgiven you b/c you asked it of Him & He will help you recover, IF YOU LET HIM. You said you were going to try to read your Bible more, have you started doing that? I think that should be your first priority. If you can get that R w/God in order FIRST, God will help you w/the rest. What are the steps you're taking in order for that goal to be accomplished?

Thinking of you,
Y

MSCHLUTER <----- Bangs Head on wall, then takes a 2x4 to his own Head for good measure.

I'm such an A$$ ... I know her Affiar was not my doing and that she made that choice herself. I guess lately I have just been having a hard time with the dealings of everything.

She has been honest with me to a point of where it kills me to hear the truth but I tell her thank you for being Honest.

Thank God I don't have to lie next to her after these truth sessions of her's, they kill me.

My R with God is kind of up in the air right now and I am not sure how to fix it. I don't blame him for what has happened in my life, I only blame myself for not turning to him in my many hours of need.

Standing Together:

Sure have your hubby email I could use all the help I can get to make it through this very hard time.

LemonMan:

Don't you dare stop posting on my thread, Just pull out that basket of 2x4's and start wacking away. Your advice has always been fair and true to heart.

Someone on my thread told me I should write a nice Love letter to my ww and explain my feelings and I am scared to do this. I fear even having any kind of Soul searching conversation with her for fear she will only run back and tell OM everything I said. She already gave him some emails I sent her months ago.

I am Happy, I am Stronger and better then before. I guess maybe in some small way I am just missing the ww and feeling aboat load of sorry for me.

We all go through it and we all have are bad day's, well I am having a very, very, very Bad week.

I never read anywhere that life came with a Guarentee but I sure wish it came with at least a 36 yr warranty card or some kind of insurance. Does Affleck cover Adultry...LOL

Life is good and one day will get much better then what it is today. I feel I need to just have a few more vent sessions on here. And then maybe a few 2x4's wacked up against my head for good measure.

All of you have always treated me fair and like family and have always taken the time to treat me with honest and upfront answers.


OctoberGirl:

Are you kidding me? I'm sorry.I rarely give out 2x4's but this last post warrants you one.


Wack away, I deserve it....


LemonMan:


I will have to cease posting to your thread b/c I feel you cannot benefit from my advice or opinion. It can only hurt you and I don't want to do that to you.

I hope not. I need your monthly newsletter on how horrible I am doing. And It's nice to have a doctor in the house, even if he is a little sour...LOL


NCWALKER:

Call me tomorrow night after 7:00 pm if you get this message..01-01-05 after 7:00 pm email me if you lost my Number.

Michael,

I’ve once said the following to you and I’m going to say it again:

The choice of a WS to have an A is NEVER the fault of the BS. NEVER! Yes, the circumstances in the M and lack on your part to fulfill your W’s EN’s may have contributed to make her vulnerable to the attention of another man and to have an A, but it is certainly not your fault that the A happened.

To have an A is not a solution to unfulfilled EN’s and problems in a M. Your W was suppose to talk to you about her unhappiness in the M and with you, and to seek professional help with you, but instead, she chose to remain silent and react on the attention of another man. Please stop taking the blame & responsibility for your W's wrong choices and actions.

Suzet

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Octobergirl:

Sitting at computer,sipping green tea while waiting to hear how Michael is doing this morning and hoping for the best after last night's "brawl" with a 2x4~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ahem?

Mschluter:

Sitting at computer drinking coffee and holding a steak to his eye because of 2x4 Octobergirl hit him with..

I'm doing better, just having a bad week is all...

There there now(pats Michael on back). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Things will get better.You'll see.Find that strength I KNOW I saw before ....hmmm.Where'd it go?

UPDATE:

Well I had court at 9:30 am and ww convinced the Judge through her IC that she is doing a great job and should be allowed to return back to her Home..


I am Terrified, judge lifted the order of protection and the restraining order and made it very clear to ww that she is not to have any type of contact with OM and she is to continue to IC.

The Judge must be nuts....Now she can move back in any time she wants...

The judge told me that if ww gets out of hand in any way to notify the courts or call 911 and they will remove her and this time she will never get the order of protection removed.

The judge felt she showed honest remorse for all her wrong doings, Cps told the judge that they will not be amending her file and that I should still have 100% Guardianship of the children.

The Judge must have woke up at this time because he agreed, WW and her Attorney tried to fight it but the Judge woke up...

NOW WHAT DO I DO?


WW called me and wants to know when she can move back home and if I would help her....HE!! NO....


Please Someone wake me up, this has to be a very very very bad dream...

Today is a new day.. I have started my new Thread and I hope all of you follow it.

FWW is coming back home to live tonight, And I will just have to make the best of it.

Maybe It will work out with time, MC and effort, and a mix of trust.

She will be coming here after work..

The kids are excited about mom coming back home after so long being gone.

I guess It's time for forgive her and move forward, I mean thats what this is all about right?

Michael, I am so happy for you and your kids. Is she still reading and posting here? Are you both at a point that you would feel comfortable having her identify herself as your FWW on this board?

{{Michael/Wife}}

Hoping she will post my name on her thread so all of you could see it..

I will talk to her tonight about it and maybe this could better help us..

Hmmm.Thinking how to respond to this new development......

MSCHLUTER: Looks over at Octobergirl holding a very large 2x4......


I'm nervouse as well...If it goes back to her old way's she knows I will pack up the kids and leave again...

She told me after court that she is getting great advice to help her through all of this. and some MB'ers are pushing her to move back in or something like that. I promised her I would not look for or read her thread, someone has to keep there word in this marriage, LOL