AW....How r u? (Besides the bruised [censored]?!!?!)

It's bittersweet that others can help you out in this time. (CJ: it takes alot for not only to survive something like you did, but then share your experiences with someone else to help. Wow. {{CJ}})

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But cripes hes driving me up the wall like a old mother hen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is *such* a good sign! He *IS* there with you. And we all know he loves you so much. And like believer said, he *IS* committed to you, your family and your M. Hang in there, AW. Keep lovin' him!

Thanks Believer it gives me a guide to just get him better and deal with everything else latter. I dont really want to have to handle both if it can be avoided.

Native I think its likely from all the data I have read and the briefing we wives got thats what it is. Hes had it before but it seemed milder more adjusting to 'normal' life.

I have been able to build up a bit of what he has been through though its been hard because he rarely talks about it
Aussie has been doing this since December 2001 when he was tasked with special reconnaissance operations in Afghanistan but was redirected to sensitive site exploration missions to investigate known al-Qa'ida sites for evidence and intel on the terrorists.
The SR operations led to the launch of Operation Anaconda in early March 2001.
He then conducted SR missions along the Pakistani border as part of Operation Mountain Lion.
It was during this operation that Aussies patrol in a observation post came under fire by a large force of enemy. The Army then says his patrol returned fire but were soon engaged with heavy machinegun fire and rocket propelled grenades, as the enemy tried to overrun their position. If it wasnt for the Yanks bringing in the 101 and the Brits Paras I dont think he would be here.
Aussie was hurt during this action.
He was finally withdrawn from Afghanistan after 13 months of operations.

Then he got sent to Iraq and they wont say what he did there before & during the invasion. Came home with a bung leg for some rest & recovery - during which time I had the Affair - then went back not long ago. And they say even less of what went on.

So I think the accumulation has been building.
I guess we'll see.

AW - Since he is not very forthcoming now, you might want to go back and read his posts. He was quite frank back then about what he was feeling.

Hi Liny

well but still puking my head off in the mornings or after some types of food.

And tired, always tired... speaking of which Aussie is finally asleep so I'm going to slip into bed and join him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Just have to hug ((((cj))) for sharing so much and all you lovely (((((idiots))))).

Let you know how he goes at the clinic tomorrow.

Nite all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

AW,

Well from reading what you have gathered, and since you know about PTSD, my wife went through the same briefings, I wouldn't expect him to open up about his feelings. Those types of missions are pretty intense as I'm sure you know. We're talking about constant adrenaline, sleep depravation (there only so much training you can do on this), fear, anger, I could go on and on. This is not new to you as I'm sure you already know this. Aussie has these things tucked away in his mind right now. He has to keep these thoughts/feelings controlled. I would't push him on opening these things up to you, and I'm sure your not doing that. When he is ready he will, then again everyones different.

I have never read any of Aussie's posts, but as Believer has said, Aussie is with you. You know what you have to do/are doing to build his trust in you. I won't give any advice there, I was only throwing in my experience on the Moder Military Man.

Native

AW,

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I had my right foot rebuilt on Thursday and I'm out of bed for just a little bit at a time.

Look at your situation this way: You are a wife who made a mistake, you are totally committed to Aussie and your marriage, I don't think you have to go to a nunnery (your words). Aussie has been in combat; he has to deal with its aftermath. Why in havens name would he want to make a major issue out of your infidelity when it is over, he knows how you feel now, and you need each other so much? Priorities! When he gets back to normal, he will remember you standing by him and supporting him. He will also want to be your hero and support you at the same time. I'm sure WAT's boat is safe.

RAG - Great post!

AW--Hi, I am so sorry you are feeling so low about things with Aussie./I think your marriage recovery is a bit more difficult because of the fact that he was in the war, and they come back haunted with scary,bad images. MY dad was in several wars, and he is a bit "off" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> because of it. But he is agreat husband to my mother still.

Also the fact that you are expecting your baby, makes you see things more grimly, you are probably magnifying his actions a bit. Or maybe not, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . But being pregnant for sure puts a woman more sensitive to everything around her, and your senses are in a "negative alert" to every little reaction from Aussie. I am sure Aussie is delighted inside,even if he does not show it with the prospect of your new baby.

And as time goes by that he sees your tummy growing he will get more into it. He just have to get more into the normalcy of your lives. He just got back, he is too nervous and unsettled inside.

Dont ever doubt his love, because he adores you, he is just hurt, plus he is a bit messed up from the war. He will eventually be his normal self with you. I am sure he still respects you, and the trust will eventually come back too,(I hope so!!!) You are a good woman, he knows it, you just made a mistake, but you are trying to mend those mistakes and you are doing a fine job.
By the way, did you get my second e-mail???

Be well, take care of yourself.

MYRTA

AW,

What an insightful start to your thread. Good analytical thinking. My STBX thinks that whatever she did yesterday means nothing today. She has not guilt (still justifies what she does) and has no shame. Don't feel like I'm attacking you ... as a BS I have done things I'm ashamed of. But I have the ability to feel shame and guilt ... my STBX does not.

Enjoy may be a strong word. But I also liked LINY's responses.

I don't have anything of substance to add to your post other than to say that I am glad I read it all.

TJ

Hey AW

((((AW))))

Really sounds like you're going through a tough situation.

I've been out all weekend and not reading, so I couldn't reply sooner. I just wanted to add that you've got some excellent replies here from believer and Rag and liny and all, and they are right!
I agree that the biggest issue now is not so much your A but Aussie's PTSD. You seem so worried about him (understandably) that its stirring up all of your other worries as well. I'm sure he is appreciating you and will remember what you are doing for him, once he is back to normal. Then he will be interested in your journal and want to listen to you and be ready to learn and to give and take again.

It makes me mad that our army is not looking after its incredibly dedicated, hard-working and highly-skilled people better than this, that you and Aussie are having to go through all this. Well not much to do about that... hugs to you

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong> ...I wouldn't expect him to open up about his feelings. Those types of missions are pretty intense as I'm sure you know. We're talking about constant adrenaline, sleep depravation (there only so much training you can do on this), fear, anger, I could go on and on. ...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AW,

Hey, you puking preggars you! Try saltine crackers and resting about every two hours. You'll be through this lovely stage in no time, then the baby will start feeling like bubbles in your tummy, and you'll be right into the Horny Trimester. Aussie will love you then!! heehee

AW, what Nature wrote here is very, VERY important. As a person who has/had PTSD, the constantly running on adrenalin is a BIG thing. Ahh...permission to be a little frank and not meaning to scare you.

Ummm, my marriage was also abusive, so in very brief terms my exH did things like scream for hours until 3am, burn my journals, harm my pets, etc. I won't go there a lot okay? But suffice it to say that I lived on adrenalin for years, constantly ON GUARD for anything to happen any time. One minute I would be safe, and the very next minute, I'd be "in danger" and there'd be a HUGE adrenalin rush, "fight or flight" response.

After living like that for decades, once our M was over and we were separated, it took me quite a while of working on myself to detach from my co-dependent behaviors and get over my own withdrawal from my ex! And the even weirder thing is that it took me even LONGER to get over that Adrenalin Rush feeling and let down my guard. I think I was in pretty good Plan B-style NC and a safe, peaceful invironment for several months at least before something just HIT me. I had no reason for that Adrenalin anymore, but my body had LIVED on it for years and years...so when I no longer had that Adrenalin to run on, it was a HUGE crash!!!! I was exhausted (sorta like you feel to be honest! Like, "I'm too darn tired to even lift my own arms!"), and it wasn't the lack-of-sleep tired...it was the deep, soul exhaustion tired. I felt sluggish, uncoordinated, tired, sick of thinking and worrying...but in real life what happened is that the Adrenalin that had been keeping me sort of physically in that ON GUARD state had stopped!!

Aussie will probably run on residual Adrenalin for quite a while (maybe a couple of months), and then when he finally does relax because he's been safe for a good long time, he will most likely crash somewhat like I did. Thankfully, for me, I went about one week thinking it was "flu" or something, then recognized what it was and did a good job taking care of myself physically. I allowed for extra sleep, ate well, did mild exercise like walking, had friends who cared about me and let them help, etc.

Just giving you a little warning!


Now...are the saltines working??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


CJ

BTW, I have to say just one more thing. When I say that I did/do have PTSD, I used to suffer flashback things a lot when I was in my M. Now that I'm not, I'd say it's been months since suffering a serious one, and lots of times now, I can recognize that one is starting and get back HERE and NOW before it freaks me out.

But, AW-chick, I want you to know something. Please don't think of me as "suffering" or an eternally wounded person. God has used what happened to me completely for good, and I've been able to help a LOT of people by having gone through it, having recovered, and giving them hope that THEY can recover too!

However, another truth of the matter is that it would be a lot easier to sort of forget the past horrible events and not share them with others. It is hard to write about these things. It kind of dredges up old stuff that is no longer part of my life.

So just know that it's not always easy to write what I write to you.


CJ

CJ what can I say to you. You really have his behaviour spot on
I cannot thank you enough for what you are sharing with me. I feel I should not ask you do this because of the things it reminds you of, no words can explain the reassurance it has given me and I can never fully appreciate the difficulty it causes for you to think about the past.
But I am grateful just so grateful because I started to think I was causing this.

You mentioned it could take many months and I checked the treatment pages on the Mental health Service and sure enough you’re spot on. In fact they are STILL treating WW2 vets for it with more increasing as they grow older.
But I’m very pessimistic that I’ll have that time to get him over this. But I’ll do the best I can in the time I have.
I suspect sometime in the new year he will be deployed again if the rumours are right. So I guess it will be a bit like you said happened with you that your adrenalin stores are constantly refilled
Much depends on what our Government now decides on the request for more soldiers for the elections.

CJ Saltines, Arnotts Saltines are great!! I love them . Anyway to add more salt yum?? . Bought 4 packets today and eaten through half of one driving to, from & at clinic. In fact eating them now. What do you think of sardines on top, might try that with the big Fremantle sardines and lemon juice or are they supposed to plain only. But no puking at all, bit of heaving only. So far. (((((CJ))))) wow where were these 19 years ago in remote Aussie country???

Native, Ron, believer, Myrta, TJ, smur again ((((((HUGS)))))) thank you very much for your input as it means a lot to get such well thought out feed back.

Maybe I am taking too much out of context or being hyper sensitive because I’m Preggers but I feel so insecure right now for some reason.

Everyone seems to be saying the same, concentrate on Aussie leave the affair stuff to later so I will try to put it aside and just settle on keeping my Aussie happy and in a stable home. Of course the Horny Trimester time might help a lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Its not that SF isn’t good now, because it is, but its hard to get into it when all I can do is yawn and fall asleep. Though that’s sorta nice late nights like we are having and ……...Ahem too much info. ……Sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I’m so sorry not to be getting back to everyone when I should I just seem to be sleeping so much , I slept on the way to the clinic after eating the saltines, then on the way back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I went back and read his posts and started crying when I read the first ones. God I was such a b*tch to him. Its amazing he didn’t throw my butt out on the street. I said a lot but didn’t do much did I at the beginning. .,, no wonder he didn’t believe one word I said. It really brought it home to me how little you can ever trust the word of a WW or FWW until actions = words. Being so tough with me on that and drawing a line in the sand so to speak was a blessing in hindsight . Its hard to believe THAT was me!! What a cow. And I don’t think he ever wrote the worst things I did or said to him either. What a husband !! To go through all of that for ME. I’ve been so so lucky, he really cares that much. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Clinic

so we went to the Repat hospital and he went down one corridor and I sat in the waiting area for a little while looking a bit pale and seedy.

Nursing Manager walked through stopped looked at me and came over. She said hello and talked a bit asked me if I felt ok & told her I was PG. Got a bit of a quiz on how I was feeling etc etc helped to pass time. Asked me if I had got my second check up yet so I had to admit I hadnt gone to my sisters surgery yet because Aussie had just got back. Got that stern look and she said She would like to check my blood pressure so why not while I'm waiting for Aussie.

Hate being cornered. Well blood pressure is high, so she took some blood and wants me to go see my sister asap. So she rang her up and I have to go tomorrow morning first thing.
Said 'Honey youre not old but youre closer to 40 these days so you need to take bit of care ok???' Feeling a bit guilty for putting it off. YIKES. Bit slack I know.

Aussie came out a hour or so later and said it 'was F Bullsh*t' ...... yep thought that was the response I'd see. said they wanted him to sit around in a 'W*nk circle' and 'crap about whose Mummy didnt hug them' .. well I KNOW it was only vets and they were supposed to talk about their war experiences in general. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

oh well what about buying some boxing bags so he can kill them for a few hours ... might stop the pacing and help let out his emotions...good idea you think???? ( anything except my butt)

<small>[ December 20, 2004, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Myrta

there might be something wrong with your email address as 7 emails from 2 different systems just bounced back????? Might need to check it.

Found some more photos too.

Cheers,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I’m very pessimistic that I’ll have that time to get him over this. But I’ll do the best I can in the time I have.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's all you can do, AW--The very best you can. Day by day. (If I have to, I'll break out into some 70's Broadway songs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suspect sometime in the new year he will be deployed again if the rumours are right...Much depends on what our Government now decides on the request for more soldiers for the elections.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am NOT going to get political here. However, I really question if our governments REALLY know what these men (and women) are going through and what the repercussions are. How can they not?
{shaking head}
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I am taking too much out of context or being hyper sensitive because I’m Preggers but I feel so insecure right now for some reason.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would think (and know, to some extent) this is normal, feeling insecure. HOWEVER, you already know Aussie is committed to your M, right? THEN GO WITH IT!!!!!! (I KNOW it's hard. Sometimes I feel guilty just over the fact that brown is even here anymore, giving me that "another chance." Just, go with it. Make the best of it!)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I went back and read his posts and started crying when I read the first ones. God I was such a b*tch to him. Its amazing he didn’t throw my butt out on the street. I said a lot but didn’t do much did I at the beginning. .,, no wonder he didn’t believe one word I said. It really brought it home to me how little you can ever trust the word of a WW or FWW until actions = words. Being so tough with me on that and drawing a line in the sand so to speak was a blessing in hindsight . Its hard to believe THAT was me!! What a cow. And I don’t think he ever wrote the worst things I did or said to him either. What a husband !! To go through all of that for ME. I’ve been so so lucky, he really cares that much. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Use this to your and your M's advantage! What a long way you have come, right?!?!?!? And "What a husband" you really have! And not for nothing, but, what a wife Aussie has! (He may not see this, right now. But it probably isn't you, AW. The way his "logical priorities" are now is his PTSD is superceding everything. You're doing great, AW! (Just get some more rest--Ya got 2 to sleep for!!!!)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course the Horny Trimester time might help a lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel very jealous--I don't remember the Horny Trimester!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I'm not sure who posted it, but, when Ausiie looks back at this time and you two are celebrating the birth of your child and celebrating your family as a whole, Aussie will realize what a great woman he has! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

AW, I wanted to add another thing. I see the clinic visit went as you say was expected. BUT, if you need to go talk to someone, do so! This is difficult for you as well: standing by and not knowing what to do or what not to do.

I went to sisters surgery this morning first thing. Things didn’t go well at all.

I walked into the reception room and spoke to one of my sisters nurses - do the reception & assists. Well she stated to do my weight, found I had lost weight a bit -not good recovery diet not a winner- and I was feeling 'funny' only way I can describe it. Sort of been feeling like this last 3 days but not bad.

Then I cant remember anything else until I woke up in the emergency unit at Fremantle Hospital.
Sister holding my hand and a bunch of people in blue masks is the first image I have.

Apparently I just stepped back off the scales and keeled over with a big thump onto the floor. Sis couldn’t wake me at all so rang an ambulance which is only 5 min away and took me straight into emergency.

So long story cut short, I've got diabetes - should not have missed my checkups, my Sis says its called diabetic coma & I was on the edge of going into one whatever that means. Gave me insulin injections, blood sugar levels way off the planet.
Have to have 3 tablets called Metformin Hydrochloride 3 times a day with food and do a blood sugar test on a little machine they have given me - little needle pricks your finger & you place a drop of blood on the scanning glass - at each meal. I hate needles. Have to be down from 23 to around 10 or 8 by end of the week.

Spent all day there until 7.30 tonight getting more tests and they did a scan on the baby & all is ok.
About an hour after waking up I was back to normal walking around ok & wanted to go home but they said no. Then Aussie came rushing in and I feel like such a jerk for getting him & sis worried.
Sis was REALLY angry with me because I hadn’t told her I was not eating much & felt crook, I think Aussie wanted to yell at me too.
All I wanted to do was be there for Aussie and I stuffed it up.
This week has been a real [censored].
I just cant seem to get anything right lately I'm screwing it all up.

AW, stop beating yourself up! You have not messed everything up. You are trying to bthere for Aussie and you are still stressed about worrying about him and recovering from the A. On top of that add an unexpected pregnancy and here you are. The fainting was a wake up call to take care of yourself. This may also give Aussie a chance to care for you a little. Take care AW and love yourself a little, you deserve it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

AW -

Sorry you are feeling so down. We will help you take care of yourself, by reminding you to eat right. Maybe a lot of little meals will help. Hang in there, things will get better.

Maybe that is why you have been so tired.