Hi Caren,
Deep breaths... Are you looking after yourself better now?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have stopped text messaging her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good! Its much better to focus on the things that you can control.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> do I then implement a strong and steady plan A or do I .. head straight for Plan B??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a tough one. Do you think its possible for you to calm down enough to avoid all LBs when you talk to him, and to detach enough from his fog talk?
If the answer to this is no, then its better to go to Plan B. But that will also require some thought and planning, so you also need a cool head to do that properly. Please think some more about this, and if you think Plan B is appropriate, then try and draft a Plan B letter. You can post it here for everyone if you need help.

I guess maybe I should re-read the surviving an affair book again. When I first read it, he was denying that anything was going on for so long, that I didn't think the majority of the content applied to me. I think most people start their plan A after confirmation of the affair, correct?

So here's a question, Once I have concrete proof (and I will very soon) do I bring the affair out into the open, by telling our friends/family, and then do a plan A? Or is that what you do before plan B?

I think that he probably thinks all the things I'm doing are to win him back, because he has me believing that there's no one else, that makes all my satisfying his emotional needs seem like me floundering to keep him. Once the affair is brought to light, making it a "relationship" (God that makes me sick to think about) which as we all know have their ups and downs....I guess that's when I start Plan A, right?? To make myself an attractive option.

When does exposing it come into play??

I'm not ready to write my plan B letter, I haven't a clue how to even begin. I guess I've done a piss poor job at Plan A, but that's mostly because his repeated, usually quite angered denial that there was an affair at all, and I didn't know what else to do except drop it.

Can anyone link me to some sample Plan B letters?? Just so I can get the feel of what they should contain??

-Thanks so much everyone, you're always there for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren
--------------------
BW - Me 36
WH - 35
D-Day: Sometime in August 04
1 DD together (2 DD's of my own)
I Moved Out: September 9, 04
Intermittantly Plan A-ing and Flipping Out
Daily contact with WH
Affair confirmation in the near future

Caren,

Read SAA again. You can plan A right now because plan A is about you taking care of yourself. Not winning back a WS. After all, why would you want a WS back? You want your H back right? Well for that to happen the WS has to go. See the difference?

As for exposure, you need to do this when you have the facts. No hunches.....

See if you can schedule some time with Steve H @ MB. Phone counseling will give your the support and plan from a professional. Steve has helped many.

Read the concepts section again. I am not sure why you thought SAA didn't apply to your sitch.

L.

Caren,

Just want to say you sound much better. You had me worried there for awhile. I thought you were going to get crazy on us.

You might want to read the thread Cymanca started on the commone demoninators of failed marriages and read what Cerri's replies say, as well as do what Orchid has suggested.

I didn't think it applied, because I didn't think there was an affair going on....even though it felt like it to me, but I also thinks he defined "affair" as actually having sex....and I don't think they did while I lived at home, I think she had a moral problem with that.

Orchid, I can't afford the counseling by phone on here....wish I could, I am BARELY making it as it is.

I have the feeling that the OW told my WH about the text messages, he hasn't said anything, but the last few times I've seen him, he looks pissed...I ask him what's wrong, he says nothing....I don't think he can figure how I'd have her cell phone number....he knows I got her home number from his former cell phone (But it was just there because he was going to be parking his hot rod there for the winter....apparently you have to call and check on your car when it's in storage). So he's A) Not saying anything because he has no clue how I'd get the number or B) If he mentioned it, it would then mean that she's running and telling him...and if there was nothing going on, those text messages wouldn't have made any sense...they were very vague, and never threatening.

As for Plan A, the way I've always looked at it was making yourself a attractive alternative to the OW.....and Plan B was more for you. I don't think I've made a very effective Plan A, although he did come and spend the night here Friday night (the kids weren't even home).

What makes him want to come spend time with me/have sex with me if he's got this other woman? Wouldn't it seem reasonable if you had a new piece of tail you'd want to hang out with her all the time? I mean he has spent the night here MANY times......where does he tell her he is?? LOL Oh wait....maybe he tells her about his imaginary friend "Phil" too......I always assumed Phil was just code for his OW, but hey....Maybe I'm Phil too! LOL

He was here this morning....again showering, and he seemed REALLY stand offish, he get's this furrowed brow thing goin' on when he's brooding about something.....I have a sneaking suspicion it's me screwin with his side dish. As I said before, I've stopped doing that, I still wanna do it, but I quit.

I wasn't able to get ahold of my friend to have him go and see who picks him up when he leaves (because whenever he goes ANYWHERE....someone picks him up...so I won't be able to find him by his car). I couldn't get ahold of him, because I can only call him during a certain window of time while he's at work (his WW checks his cell phone.....while she stays out everynight until 6 am) He's a teacher, and wouldn't you know today was a daggone snow day--arrrrrgh. I've been borrowing a friends car for the last 3 nights and sitting near his house, where I could see his driveway, but he couldn't see me unless he was looking for me...to see who comes and picks him up....and 3 nights in a row...he's gone NO WHERE.

I still have access to our house, so after Christmas I'm going to buy one of those phone recorders that records the phone calls...I've researched them, apparently the begin recording when the phone is picked up, and stop when it's hung up. I can put it in my daughter's old room....it's still a disaster...trash everywhere...and he's not gonna clean it anytime soon...because what's the point in cleaning a house that has no water? He hasn't touched it....and I only need to have it there for a few days I think, just long enough to record their conversations.....hopefully that will either prove or disprove this theory.

Sorry, I'm rambling....it makes me nervous to even think about him with an OW......and when I'm nervous I talk, or in this case type.

-Caren
-----------------
BW - Me 36
WH - 35
D-Day: Sometime in August 04
1 DD together (2 DD's of my own)
I Moved Out: September 9, 04
Intermittantly Plan A-ing and Flipping Out
Daily contact with WH
Plan to confirm affair once and for all in the near future at which time I'll start a real plan A, until probably after taxes are filed, at which
time I'm kickin' Plan B into action.