K -

I am over all the hurt from the flower story, and now look back and laugh. WH had just sent OW a "love letter", which her husband showed me.

Then WH sent me roses, with a note about us starting over again. First I threw the roses in the trash, and then I went berzerko. I pulled them out of the garbage, dusted them off, and took flowers and note and gave them to OW.

The next day, WH brought them back over to me. So those roses got a lot of miles.

If your husband ever wants to make a new start, you will know it right away. He will be there with you. He won't make excuses about being by himself, and all the rest of that cr$p. He will show you by actions, not words.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> My WH did the roses thing too. I took the flowers and the card down to OW's house and gave them to her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HAHAHAHAHHAA this is the best idea ever!


But back to the thread...
I'll have to agree that WH's B.S. letter basically says "I'm spending christmas with OW"
Personally, I'd find it insulting to have my spouse think I was that damned stupid.

Believer....

You crack me up!!!! And if it wasn't so far, I'd do just exactly that.

Perhaps I should send them and the note to OW at work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TTSI.....

Far from insulted, I just can't believe that WH thinks I'm that STUPID after all these years!

Why, my new found "snooping" abilities alone show that I am capable of going from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds FLAT!!!

WH is way out on a thin limb here. And when the bough breaks...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K

K,

You really should block his emails, so that you are removed from this drama. Plan B is not about drama, quite the opposite if I am understanding it correctly.

K, I just wrote on your other thread that if you possess some of my sick humor you might actually get some enjoyment out of this. Well, after reading Pep's 1st thread, and Believer's brilliant flower story, I've gotten my laughs for the day. There is nothing more funny, if we BSs are in the right state of mind, then mocking out the WS and OP. Truthfully it was humor and my MB friends that helped me through some of my worst pain. These people are in such friggin La La land they deserve to be mocked out. If my poor FWS knew the fog talk I shared on here he would probably be mortified. Maybe that's why he doesn't post here. Well, as amusing as your H's fogtalk and fogbehavior is, you should probably not even read any of his SH**. Oh well, I guess I'll have to find something else that's funny to read. CV

Mine went a step further than the roses....

He was out of the house, but we were going to counseling and supposedly trying to work on things. Valentine's day came around, along with my birthday... He gave me roses on Valentine's day, but didn't ask me to go out. I should have realized then something was up, but it still took me a while.

He did ask me to go out for my birthday. We got snow, and couldn't go then, but he did take me out about a week later.... got me this really soft, cute stuffed animal and MADE me a huge heart-shaped card that said how sorry he was for all the hurt, and that he wished he could take it away, etc.

What did I find out later? That he had been living with her the whole time. He had called two days after he walked out to be with her, and said he missed me and was wrong and wanted to come home. I said no to coming home, but that if he quit living with her and we went to counseling, we could try again, and he agreed. Near as I can tell, he spent two days with a (male) friend of mine that I made arrangements with for him, and then went back to living with her. So he had basically never quit living with OW when he gave me that stupid sappy card.

I fell for all of it, even cried when he gave me the card. When I later found out what was really going on, you don't know HOW glad I was that I'd held my ground about not letting him come back home without seeing some progress first. You know, so many times they can't seem to do any of those touching things when it would have meant something, to fix things before they went off track. But when their behinds are on the line, and they see they have pushed things too far and are on the verge of losing control of the situation, they sure know how to push those buttons to keep you on the line.

You're doing well - just stay strong, and wait for real change. And anytime you think you are seeing real change, come here for the sanity check. There are quite a few people who have finely tuned their BS detectors through this kind of stuff!

Sometimes are own guilt is enough to make us compasionate people. But the question is why do we feeel guilt when the things they do to us we know that they would kill someone if they did it to thier mother or sister. I'm with PEP right now it a whole lot of I miss you I love you I can't live without you and if you let him back in it probably wouldn't even take a week for him to go back to treating you like a doormat there has to be consequnces.

Well, WH has called about 10 times today....at work, and on my cell.

It's all the same, going from mad, threatening to not pay his part of the house payment, to "please call my cell phone, Sweetie. I love you."

More blah, blah, blah, blah. The same things said as twice before. Still no actions, and no plan as he promised in his e-mail.

My thought: an e-mail saying "Steve Harley 1-800-xxx-xxxx".

I know. I KNOW. PLAN B. Dark.

Opinions?

K

I think you need to go further into the dark.

I think you need to *remove* any and all methods of access he has to you aside from your liason..go between..whathaveyou.

Not a single day of *no contact* has passed without contact occurring.

This is disrespectfull in the extreme.

Would you accept this amount of NC from him regarding OW?

Show him the meaning of the word.

Have his mail/email/gifts..sent back unanswered.."return to sender" is your new mantra.

If things continue as they have been..K..you and I both know you can only only hold out so long..no one could..that is WHY we remove all avenues to ourselves.

Either he uses the established ecceptable method of getting word to you..or he has a lovely chat with himself.

No other way to do it..until/unless you are able to go THIS amount of dark I smell false recovery in the next few months.

Let's not dance to this song again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Darkness Falls.

Noodle

A good plan for him would be to spend Christmas with you. But I think he has other plans, and is just trying to cover his bases.

I made too many excuses for my WH, and stayed friendly too long. He took it for granted that he could just come back any time he wanted. Well surprise, I don't want him anymore. Don't let that happen to you. Stay dark.

He keeps calling and leaving messages. Funny, they really don't bother me.

They alternate between sweet, and threats of getting a new checking account and making me pay for EVERYTHING.

He wants to take steps to make this work. He's willing to do things to make it right.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

He's a very stubborn man. Exactly how far will he go to make me PAY?

I don't know...... I've done nothing wrong. What do I need to pay for?

Time to get legal counsel?

K

BLOCK HIS NUMBER !

Plan B means you don't have to listen to his crap.

Pep

AHHHHAAA!

WH calls thru the intermediary! Says he sounded very sincere....wants to do whatever to get back together.

Me: "Is he still in contact with OW?"

Long story short....apparently he is. He said he didn't want to lie about it. (Oh, look, it's the honest man!)

Me: "As long as WH is in contact with other woman, then there is no chance for negotions - OW out of the picture for good FIRST."

"But he has no place to live."

Me: (with tears in my eyes...NOT) "WH should refer to the letter I wrote him. Those things must happen FIRST. And he needs to have proof. Otherwise, no chance for negotiations."

How thick is WH? Or rather, how thick does he think I am?

K

Well the OW ain't meeting enough needs? Doesn't care enough about him so that he is homeless? Sounds like my Ws did. I had primed my support. If he didn't like their options then his plea was not that much of an emergency. So if he called and whined, they were prepared with the options and statement as to why he was not allowed back into our home (contact w/OW + other issues like STD testing, treat us better, etc..... - see that list was gonna keep growing the longer he stayed out). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I told my support not to fret if he had to sleep in his truck...... at least he wasn't on the sidewalk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Oh yea, I had to think past his babble to come back with that one. I had to use it also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 04:24 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Your H is "sincere" and "wants to do anything to get back together." Anything but that darn pesky little detail you are demanding that he give up OW. Darn that detail! Truly K, you are being VERY unreasonable. Your H loves you, don't you know? Hey, if he will come home and live with you what's the big deal if he dates OW and screws her occasionally? You really are demanding!

You know what's interesting to me? The last time he came home to you he had all these suicidal threats going on. Now all of a sudden he's calling you a gazillion times a day and doesn't appear to be suicidal. Don't know why, just strikes me funny.

K, I am soooo very happy you are getting out of that man's drama. Just sit back, enjoy your family (the sane ones), and enjoy the fireworks! CV

Orchid and CV bring up good points. Your intermediary should be asking those questions of your WH, not you asking your intermediary. Your intermediary should also know what to say if (when) your WH does the suicidal thing.

The way I see it is that through your intermediary your WH IS STILL IN CONTACT WITH YOU and continuing his Blah Blah Poor Pitiful Me Blah Blah. Let your intermediary ask WH the pertinent questions, and then your intermediary can simply tell you that WH called and that he is or he is not willing to meet the conditions of ending the separation. Period. No more contact than that from your WH. Also, it might be a good idea to have a phone number and name/address of a hospital handly in case your intermediary needs those some time.

Remember k, don't take my advice on anything in Plan B unless you first get confirmation from those who know for sure.

k, I have to tell you this. You are very very very very impressive!!! Keep going!!!!!

Orchid and CV....

Yes, WH's pleas and promises sounded just like more BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

It's the same old story.

That was my take on the whole thing. I've heard it all before. You know...."Same $hit, different day".

I read about half of "Who Moved My Cheese" last night. Hate seeing myself in the WRONG character.

But also LOVED seeing how I'm already changing into the new character!

K

Lovingb....

We were posting at the same time.

Yes, I was thinking the same thing about the intermediary. They need to have some boundaries and questions in place.

If the WS can draw the intermediary into their sympathies, time to get another mediary!

Sometimes I think that maybe I have let this go on so long that I now no longer care about WH. I feel strangely detached. Apathetic. The crap just doesn't bother me (except it almost feels like harrassment at times).

This might be a good lesson for others. Really! Don't let this whole business drag on for too long without jumping in and setting boundaries, and sticking to them. Stand up for yourself right up front! (You can read it on the boards all too often)

Love can be won, but it can also be lost. Like Believer's story.

K

You said:
"Sometimes I think that maybe I have let this go on so long that I now no longer care about WH."

Orchid has a good way of explaining this--it's the difference between the WH and your H.

It's a good thing to not care what your WH is doing or how your WH is suffering the consequences of his wayward actions. You need to protect yourself from your WH's crap so that if your H decides to show back up, you still have the desire to rebuild with your H.

Orchid's explanation helped me keep my sanity and helped me to fulfill my obligations to my family, to myself, and even to my H (even though that's not who I have dealt with, it's been FWH) during this long drawn-out ordeal. It's really hard to keep a committment to H when FWH is the one living in my house.

k, I am so pleased for you that you are doing Plan B. The reason for Plan B is to preserve the Love Bank balance instead of letting WH drain it to the point that recovery is not possible. Remember, too, that Plan B does not obligate you to rebuild if H shows back up. It just leaves you that OPTION. Plan B keeps YOUR options open, your decisions come later.

Anyway, I THINK that's how it goes LOL. How would I know for sure? I didn't give myself the gift of Plan B. Maybe that's why I'm so pleased and excited for you that you're giving yourself that gift? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'll probably go for a long drive down the coast and spend that day and night in a motel somewhere until it's over. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So how are you going to feel on Christmas day when you realize he's swept her away for a romantic Christmas getaway ?

I'm sorry to sound so harsh...but there is a reason for Plan B to be dark. It removes you from all this. His FOG is still able to effect you by keeping contact open. How can you fault him for not being able to establish NC, when you can't either ?

No email, no phone calls, it's all more talk, not followed by the walk.....escape the madness.

I hate to sound so cruel...it's really not like me, but enough is enough. How much longer are you going to let him dance his dance ? You should be dancing your own dance right now.

I see nothing in your posts of late about what YOU are doing with YOUR life, it's all about actions, or lack thereof, by your WH.

Where are YOU and YOUR wants, desires, plans ?