aaack, I'm drifting down the page - almost on the second page. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Somebody talk to me, please!

Since you all insisted, I'll tell more of my story.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

One of the things that is driving my thought is the other house. It has been hanging over our heads for 2 years now and, financially, something has to be done. Several times, I've resolved to sell it, but I'm afraid that if I sell it, I will roll the dough into "marrital assets" and my post-divorce situation will be worse. Also, if we move back in there, it will become our "marrital home" and she might have some claim on it. As it is, she lived there for less than half the marriage and I owned it for almost 15 years before that - so I think I might come out of the divorce with it.

Now, property is nothing compared to children - and nothing compared to a good wife (believe me, if I had one, I wouldn't trade 'er for 10 houses! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). But... with her almost constant verbal abuse, OM in the background and all the stuff we've gone through, I think a D might come eventually anyway - so why not get on with it while I've still got some assets that are "mine" - and while I still have some hope of starting over with somebody before I'm 50.

Just rambling...

-AD

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

OK, now it's clear that nobody wants to talk to me. I'm still smilin' though. See : <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Developments....

So, things were bumping along pretty well. Actually, I was looking forward to some SF - which seemed forthcoming if we could ever get to bed before 3am and without our 4-year-old.

Then...

W asked about the other house - or rather, I should say, W started in about me selling the other house again. I said, "well, that's a complicated topic. Are you sure you want to talk about it?". She seemed annoyed. We sat down. I explained to her that as it is in my name etc. and I am uncertain about the future of our marriage, I'm holding on to it just in case we end up divorced. I have never said that to her before. She seemed surprised, as if there was no reason in the world why I would ever want to divorce her. I think she really hasn't been getting it - that treating me like dirt might have some consequences.

Things got pretty heated. I ended up raising my voice to her - which has very bad effects on her - because she kept talking over me everytime I tried to say anything. Not an effective approach. I suppose if she would not listen to me, I could just go write her a letter. But, I would prefer not to leave this discussion in black and white. I told her that I needed for OM to be totally out of our lives forever - that I didn't want to have him show up - either in person or as a phantom in our bed. The other day - day after our anniversary when she was telling me that when we were together in bed, she was imagining that she was with him. That kind of stuff has to stop.

I have mixed feelings about that. I've always wanted to be the person she could talk to about anything she thinks about. I want to be the safe guy for her. But... that kind of talk is extremely disrespectful - and I'm sure she said it with the intent of hurting me. Following that up by throwing her ring into the canal was the final provocation that seemed (at the time) to break me.

I guess she thought that it was all smoothed over because I gave her some earrings for Christmas and we had been having a pleasant (relatively) few days.

Now she's just about over the edge. I knew that actually divorcing her would produce some really bad reactions from her - but to see her crying all the time etc.... well, it's not a pleasant scene.

I don't really want a divorce, but I'm very very tired of the constant disrespect - the constant indifference to my feelings - or rather intentially inflicted pain. Something has to change there.

And.... meanwhile, she seems really to have come to the point that OM is no longer a candidate for her. She really doesn't want to see him or hear from him.

And... even last night - after another blowup at lunch time - she was talking about having another child.

... and now she is wearing a plain gold band that she found somewhere. We bought it a few years ago because she complained that it was uncomfortable to wear her engagement ring. She has rarely worn a ring throughout our marriage - and actually it was a surprise to me that she took it on the trip. I suppose she wears the ring now because she is afraid of where I am in my thinking.

The only thing that brought a smile to her face was talking about me becoming more ambitious and agressive in my work. She likes the idea of being married to a successful man - and she doesn't consider me successful when I haven't had a raise in a few years and am just drifting along at work.

So, that's why I'm at the office today.

Oh, and we had another unpleasant convo this morning before I left - about some silly little thing. I regret that. I should leave without waking her in the mornings. She called an hour or so ago to appologize - but I think it was at least half my fault.

So, why am I not doing something amazing here - instead of posting on MB?

-AD

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD

been following your thread for some time and being a FWW I think there are some things that need to be looked at by you.

OK first her foggy talk I like/love you but I dont 'LOVE' you statements..ok thats almost straight out of the WW hand book. Indicate she IS involved with OM in thought if not by deed.

I suggest that contact with OM was happening at college or uni regardless of what you were told. The key to understanding a WW is not to pay so much attention to the words said or inferred but the ACTIONS of the WW.

When you tell her you knew of contact etc all it meant was that we WW get more cunning.

There are so MANY issues here AD you need to look at & on New Years morning I won't even try to ans many , only those that really came out at me.

OK firstly you WW appears to be very selfish even if we disregard the affair. This comes through your posts so if its wrong its the way you write it. So much seems to be about her her her her... and yes again thats a sign of a WW (sorry AD we WW are not that nice, we're perfectly ok as FWW just not as WW)
SHE needs to address this with medical advice as she may simply not know how to 'share' things due to PTSD. My H suffers this due to his war service over the last few years so I know it affects the way they relate...but its wrong to think it cannot be treated it can & is done quiet well by psychiatrists..not cousellors, Its a medical condition so get it treated as such.

NO CONTACT - you MUST insist on this and perhaps help her write the letter - lots of samples on this site - and include those things relevant to your sit e.g. baby having more will always stay faithful to H and M sort of thing if you think it will help.
DO NOT accept any excuse for not doing this...it really is a make or break deal.
You send it/post it.

SHE MUST also commit to the M and willingness to go to a PRO MARRIAGE counsellor and you should as well - to learn how to work together.
On this site there is a guide to how to select a good counsellor.

I in fact think you handled the second house issue very well. Ok you allowed her to talk over you - sounds like this has been a long term habit between you - and then you accept some 'blame' for it getting heated...wrong thing to do on this ocassion I think. ALWAYS try to keep your cool in these discussions.

Now you expressing YOUR feelings about the M and what YOU wanted and not HER failings was very good...keep doing that. I turned off when it was directed at me but when we talked about how my H felt I was glued in right away. My guess she felt very guilty and attempted to divert the discussion - worked a little bit didn't it?
Well be aware of this old WW trick and calmly take the discussion back to the subject when it happens. I think we WW all tried that tactic to a certain extent, talking over etc, but my H just waited until I ran down and then started again as if there had been no interuption..very annoying of him.. but it worked!!

AD I think it very unlikely that you will stay in a loveless M child or no child. Your own thoughts on this point that way.

Now 'loveless' marriage.
Look we women do not very often at any time deliberately have a child where love does not exist in a relationship, not in this day & age. Possible but not likely.
Lack of PASSION in the M now that may be a better description here...what do you think?
Next she is talking about another child...loveless I dont think so... passionless to her ..very likely.

So you both need some M coaching I think - hey who doesn't - to 'learn' how to build love, meet each others emotional needs -en's - and have a good M.

I would suggest you keep on this honest talk with your wife, be gentle, firm, let the oubursts go over your shoulder - then go back on to the target of the discussions.
Tell her plainly you don't want to waste your life in a loveless M so you see 2 options, ending it or both of you working on it over many months to make it something to be proud of for your child and - here's some of her reward for doing this - further children between you both.

Well past my bed time so have a HAPPY NEW YEAR

AussiesWife,

Thanks for taking the time to read and post on my thread.

I think you are right - that the marriage is all about her. She often says that - without any shame. To paraphrase her, she says that my job is to make her happy - and her job is to make herself happy. Something like that.

She is very depressed - and I think the thing that hurt her the most in our discussion the other night was that I told her I was tired of her constant negativity. She says she can't help being negative - that is the way she sees the world.

I really should not raise my voice to her. It has very bad effects on her - puts her emotionally back in the place where she was being shouted at by her Mom. But, her Mom always called her names and such - and I don't do that. Still, she looks shell-shocked if I raise my voice to her. It's not effective communication, because she doesn't even notice what I am saying in that case.

We have been to some counselor recently - before Christmas - and were scheduled for more. We both talked to a psychaiatrist, and they wanted her to see a couselor in that office once a week. It's not clear whether they want to see her alone or us together. I'm not sure which is better. If she goes alone, then it looks like she's the one with the problem. If we go together, then I fear there will be unpleasantness if I say anything to the counselor that is negative about her. She refuses to take anti-depressants, altough she has had them prescribed several times.

To clarify, she doesn't ever say that she loves me. To the contrary, she says that she will never love me. I can stay in a loveless marriage, but not in a marriage in which I am constantly disrespected, insulted and verbally abused.

I really do think that in her mind OM is no longer an option. But, she's been there before and I know that can change. His suicide threat was a big turn-off, though - so that is a new situation. I just remembered that he did that one time before we were married too. I had forgotten about that. But that time he used a friend so that he could deny it. After she told OM that she was definitely going to marry me - and didn't want to communicate with him anymore, his friend emailed her saying that OM was at the hospital - and let her fill in the gaps. Of course, she had to call to check on him - only to hear that he had a stomach bug or something. I had forgotten about that. Anyway, she finds that kind of stunt very unattractive.

So, the one thing that brings a smile to her face is the idea of me being on fire about my work. So I told her I would work today and this weekend. I would like to have something to show my boss on Monday. So far, however, I have done nothing. I could blame it on her - that I am distracted by our problems, but that would not be entirely honest - nor helpful. Whatever it takes, I've got to get myself in gear here and crank out something.

Thanks again for posting, AW.

-AD

AD,

Sorry your W is still babbling to you. IMHO you are showing you are accepting her as is. Is that what you want?

She wants a successful man, you are working on that. She wants a baby and you will settle for 1/2 or less of a W to give her that. She wants to tell you she thinks of OM when you tell her not to and you allow her to be with you saying that.....

Does any of this sound normal or rational to you?

If you have another child, it will only add the the burden NOT stop the trouble. OM will continue to be a thorn in your side as long as you allow yourself to live with a WS instead of a W.

AD, the D maybe necessary since your W is not your W but a WS. Think about it. Learn to give her back her problems.

If she really wanted a successful man, the OM would have been out of the pix a long time ago. If she really wanted another baby well that probably could have been done a long time ago. The only real constant is that the WS is in your home and your real W is missing.

Now go find your real W and kick that WS out of your life.

Can you do that?

Don't settle for minutes of her being nice. Would you allow someone to care for your child while you are at work if they only did a good job, some of the time?

L.

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Nothing to add, A.D. -- except to let you know my thoughts are with you.

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Orchid,

Thanks for stopping by.
You are speaking plainly.

I don't know how to respond.

I don't know even what I want (well, I do, but I don't think it's likely).

Is this normal? Do you mean me and my (re)actions? - or do you mean my W?

My wife is not "normal" and never will be. She is a victim of a childhood trauma which forever shaped her - and that's just part of who she is. I can't recoil from that now. I knew what I was getting into (to some extent) when I married her.

I can't even imagine what it is like to be her - even after 6 years of marriage. Even after a short time of knowing her I knew that I would never think of war in the same way. In every war there are children - who have no understanding of the terrible things that are happening around them - and who are turned into a completly different path of life by that traumatic experience.

As for me, who knows? I'm probably not normal either. I'm not sure I care.

I think I'm being defensive here. Not good.

I do appreciate you posting on my thread.

-AD

A.M.M.

Nice to hear from you.

Compared to your situation, mine is simple. Now I'm ashamed to be complaining.

-AD

AD,

The normal question was referring to the WS' actions. Of course they are not normal but often the BS is guilted into accepting it as if it is and get real happy when a little progress is made. The message this type of reaction from the BS sends to the WS is that it is ok to give tidbits of progress. Keep the BS at bay and have the A cake and eat it to.

In reality the BS is being force fed the A cake for so long that it becomes an accepted part of their life. This is NOT normal.

IMHO you should identify your boundaries and implement them. Her minor postive actions s/b acknowledged but not praised. They actually s/b expected. If the WS wants praise for the normal actions of a true spouse (h or w), then whatever praise could have come their way s/b retracted. It is like rewarding a child for eating their food w/dessert as the child is deliberately spilling his juice on the floor. Does that mean the child doesn't get dessert? Maybe but he certainly doesn't get it without some sort of discipline or talking to.

I have a BIL whose W is an unrepentant WS. She may have stopped the A but still uses the same attitude and is now spending her selfish attitude on ruining him financially. He goes to work, feeds and bathes the children (4 children under 10), helps them with their homework, cleans the house, does laundry, does yardwork, she volunteers him to go help her mom and others, cooks, etc..... She does not much more than a few motherly chores....then spends most of her time on the phone with whoever will listen for endless hours..... then pamepers herself with all that pedicure, hair, facial, shopping for herself, cosmetic surgeries, breast implements (3 times - bigger, bigger then maybe burst)..... With all this lack of interest in her family and her H, he gets happy when she cooks a meal. MInd you they go out to eat constantly. She grumbles about having to do work.... Ugh.... if our H's were that grateful for that little work, we all s/b saints by now!!!! I told my H (her brother) that I s/b a millionaire when compared to the work I do around our home. LOL!!

Anyway, my point is that BIL is in the same rut because he allows it to happen. The SIL has no reason to change. She is having her cake and leaving him only the crumbs to pick up. Even that she throws on the floor. I feel sorry for him but he refuses to make changes to benefit himself and his family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I hope you don't end up like that.

L.

Update!

Well, my wife certainly knows how to make her husband happy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

HAPPY NEW YEARS TO YOU ALL.

(last night was ... surprisingly OK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Now, I'm at work - trying to make her happy.

Am I confusing you all with my posts?

It's not just last night, of course, but I do see that my wife is making a turn toward committment to the marriage. Almost everything she says indicates this. She repeatedly, consistenly and emphatically says that she does not want a divorce. She talks about doing some things differently. She is committed to giving our child a good life - and aware of the great damage that a D would do to our child.

Still, it is a long path for us to get to anywhere good.

I think my crisis was seeing that a different life (with a different wife) really is possible - and having to decide that I would rather try to have a different life with my wife. Is the crisis over? No. I haven't put the house on the market yet. I'm still standing on the brink of that leap of faith. Financially, we still have a little wiggle room without the house sale - but it's going to run out (credit, that is) in a few months. One solution would be to put it up for rent. That way, I would have some financial relief without jumping in with both feet. AAARRRGHHHH!

I'm putting W's nephew through college - and tuition payments are due in 10 days - and W is signed up for classes also. So, I'm looking at a $7K expense there.

If I decide NOW then I could bail on that.

Don't you just hate indecision? But I'm not really undecided. I'm here. I'm in. I'll pay. The big decision - to unplug the whole thing - I'm not going to do right now.

I did work up the courage to ask my BIL to reimburse me for buying his son an airline ticket to go home. I've got to start pushing and asking and resisting and saying "no" sometimes. If I got to take more control - even if not the ultimate control of just saying "I'm outta here."

Man, do I sound pathetic now.

Thanks for reading.

-----------

Orchid,

Thanks for your input. I see that you are identifying me with your BIL and my W with your SIL.

One of the problems with asking for advice etc on a forum such as this - is that the readers only see what the posters write - they have no way of seeing what is really there.

I hope that I have not painted my wife in too bad of a light.

She is not like your SIL. She doesn't do all that ME ME ME stuff - but rather her selfishness is limited to simply being miserable - and in her misery, not caring about the people around her. It's more understandable and more forgivable.

Also, she feels like she never wanted to marry me - and was "forced" by her parents to marry me. So, she feels that gives her some entitlement - as if all she has to do is be young - since every man wants a young wife. I think she doesn't understand why I married her - and it was not because she was young - but in spite of it. It was because I saw in her a great potential that I didn't want to miss out on. She has not made good on the potential - yet.

And finally, she has very low self-esteem - and needs to have her worth constantly (and carefully) affirmed. She needs to be told that she is a good Mom (most important) etc. etc. It's been hard for me to understand that need - since I, when left to myself, while not a beacon of hubris, tend to think well of myself.

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

Low self esteem is a symptom but not the cause of the A. Too many who are BS have the same symptom.

As for her never loving you....that's another example of babble. See you have t/b able to sift through the crap and come up with the points you can work with. Discard the rest.

I gave the example of BIL and SIL in an attempt to make sure you don't end up like that. I know you are not experiencing the same but would sure had to see you suffer more.

This coming to terms with ourselves and moving forward stuff takes time. You can't rush not even yourself.

You need to get your know yourself and your boundaries well. You have been here a while and maybe now you are ready to take those positive steps forward. They are not as scary as they appear.

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>Low self esteem is a symptom but not the cause of the A. Too many who are BS have the same symptom. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM thinks she hung the moon. He makes her feel good about herself. That's a lot harder for me to do - since I know her as a real person - and have seen the worst (hopefully) of her. If I complement her, the complement has to have a concrete basis or she will not accept it - but will instead take it as sarcasm.

Still, I've got to try to do that constantly - to complement every postive thing I see in her.

What she asks from me is that I be the leader - that I have a vision for our family and for myself - that I make plans and schedules and that I show ambition and energy in my work and in all that I do. All of those things are things that OM lacks - and which I can do (have done in the past, but not doing very well right now).

-AD

AD,

Continue in what you excell the best. You know good looks don't put food on the table.

In other words, dating is fun but marriage has love which combines fun and work. The work was always there just not usually included in the dating piece. So reality does have a bite.

Foggy babble says the WS doesn't want t/d the work anymore. Nonsense. That's not an option when one marries. Unless bathing, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, working are also not an option. I think not.

The point is to put your best foot forward. When you are done waiting and she isn't catching up to you, then you move forward w/o her. If she is sturggling to catch up, that's recovery and you may need to slow down a bit to help her out. Which she would show her appreciation thus helping the recovery move forward. But you should not be carrying dead WS weight. This is a partner R, not a 1 sided marriage relationship.

Improve your qualities and enhance your good side. Don't be a phony. If she doubts your changes, doubt hers. The WS don't like doubts but it is a strong tool used properly by a BS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Orchid,

I hate being the thread-ender, so I was letting you do that.

... but I'm back.

Thanks for your comments. We muddle on.

UPDATE:

Disney guy sent email
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">originally emailed by Mickey's nephew Alan
<strong>
Unfortunately we were unable to find your wedding rings. A metal detector could not be used as many of our guest toss coins in the water.
[...]
Thanks for the picture. Unfortunately the divers were unsuccessful. That area of the moat has alot of debris from the hurricanes. As a result the area has deep mud and lots of twigs and leaves that make a great hiding place for something as small as a ring.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That chapter is closed for me.
"The Ring" awaits Smeagle. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

As for the other element of my personal crisis - it's still up in the air - or rather on it's own 3 acres under the old oaks. W is meeting our SIL at the other house this afternoon - just to look at the renovations, which SIL has not seen. I have no idea what this is about. The house is not on the market. I haven't talked to a lawyer. I'm not working productively. W is depressed. She hasn't decided not to take classes (which start Monday). We have no day-care lined up. Nothing has changed (really).

I've got to start making things change. It's up to me.

Any ideas on how to get myself revved up?

-AD

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Any ideas on how to get myself revved up?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AD, best advice I can give you is to just put one foot in front of the other. The more you accomplish the better you will feel. Feeling disorganized, behind or useless can just exacerbate the depression and helplessness.

more...

W's girlfriend (maid-of-honor in our wedding, I'll just call her MOH from now on) doesn't answer her phone. W is afraid that MOH was hurt by her comments upon learning that MOH is prego. She said they were shouting at each other on the phone, and they "got cut off" in the middle of the call (maybe MOH hung up on her, but called back) but she thought that phone call ended well. W sent a note by mail (over a week ago), with a sort-of appology. Another possiblity is that MOH and her boyfriend went somewhere and got married. W drove past MOH's work but didn't see her car there.

Why is this important?

Because it shows my w the other side of things. She doesn't want me to ever have 2nd wife - who thinks that she is terrible - and who has any influence on our child. W takes the side of the boyfriend's xw in this, to some extent.

And for me, I see myself in the boyfriend. He had had a train-wreck in his marriage - his wife having affairs - and got out and found himself a new lady and already has a child on the way. I wouldn't want to do it that quickly, but it certainly makes that possibility more real to me.

I must work now.

-AD

Thanks Faithful Fol,

... and the first step is to click on the little x in the upper right corner of this window...

... and the second is to resolve to stay off of MB at work... and off of reading the news, checking my stocks, searching for tickets, etc.

... and the third is to figure out what I can do that will make my boss say "wow!"

-AD

OK.... I lasted 4 hours.

<sigh>

I called W and told her the results from Disney. She seemed a little disappointed, like she really thought they would recover the ring. We got off the phone and she went off to do something.

An hour or so later, she called - said she was "really sad". I didn't make the connection with the ring at first, because she tells me so often - several times a week - that she is "really sad".

But this time, it was about the ring. She acknowledged that it was as if she were giving control over her life to some outside force or person - but that she felt like if they found the ring it would be some kind of omen - that we were supposed to stay together and make our marriage work.


I told her that I agreed - that to say that would give too much power to something or somebody outside. I also told her that "the ring is just a thing. We have our lives, our healthy child, our own health - so many more important things than the ring." I also suggested that we could look at it another way - as if "the curse" of our marriage was attached to the ring and now was gone. Of course, I also am dissappointed that it was not recovered, but not affected very much by it.

W also commented that she realized that it was she to threw the ring there - and it seemed like she was always making messes and expection somebody else to clean them up. I just listened, mostly, but I do agree.

I have one other contact (from right here on the MB forum) who knows somebody at Disney who is willing to look for it. I'll email him for the second try. It's not like it's a carat or two. It's only a half-carat main diamond with some side stones.

-AD

PS. Please overlook my spelling errors.

Update:

Is anybody reading this?

I sent email to a law firm with basic outline and requesting an appointment to discuss my options.

I had mentioned on this thread that W was talking about having another child. I'll fill in the details a bit.

My W was adopted as a child - and has "always" wanted to adopt a child herself. Even before we became engaged, we talked about this and I was enthusiasticly in favor of doing it sometime. That was almost 7 years ago. We know several families who have adopted, and have talked about our next child being adopted. W had requested that we file paperwork by the end of the year to start the process, but I didn't do anything on it.

So, yesterday, W started talking about this again. In yesterday's discussion, I told her that although I enthusiasticly supported the idea when we first met, and still thought that we would do it if we stay married, I had concerns now that derive from her affair. I feel like an adoption now would be presented to OM as "proof" that we are not having normal relations as man and wife (which we are). I feel like an adoption now is a way of her keeping me at a distance - although we have discussed and "agree" (in words) that if we adopt, that will close the door forever on divorce - that an adopted child should never be put through a divorce - having suffered so much already. Also, we both agree that an adopted child can be more equally shared, since nobody can claim a superiour position due to pregnency, C-section, nursing etc.

In the middle of this "discussion", which took place in bed at mid-day, our 4-year-old came in looking for attention, and was climbing over W in the bed - which always annoys her more than seems reasonable to me. I know a sharp little elbow in the wrong place can be quite painful, but I am willing to endure that myself and can't quite understand W's (IMO) extreme reaction to it. So, W shoved our little one almost off the bed and was shouting at her that she does not like to be climbed on. (Little one has been told this many times, BTW, so W was not completely out of line here, I suppose).

I'm thinking - if she gets so worked up with one child, why does she want another?

Then... I went downstairs - thinking the convo concluded.

W came down after me - had a blow up - and shouted that if I don't adopt a child with her, she will get pregnant with OM.

This, for course, did not warm my heart toward her in the least.

Now, she was only saying this to hurt me. I'm confident that she wouldn't do it - just because it would be such an embarrasing position to find herself in. All the same, this is not a good way to persuade me to do her bidding.

After a 1/2 hour, she came, all lovey-dovey, asking for forgiveness, asking if I loved her, etc.

I would be disgusted, but I'm so used to it.

I emailed the law firm today.

Life goes on. Who knows what it all means.

-AD

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

OK, so I can tell that each of you is hanging on the edge of your seat - awaiting my next update. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Lots of little stuff going on...

Probably I need 3 threads to talk about these things.

W noticed that I have been distant for the last couple of days, and asked why. I replied "You have been cruel to me lately.". She asked "Cruel, in what way?". I reminded her of the incident where she was threatening to have a child with OM. "Oh", she said, "I forgot about that 10 minutes later." I replied to her that I will not forget it in 10 years. She didn't seem to particularly care - as if she didn't think it was a big deal.

I've been "normal" to her, for the most part - not talking about relationship, expanding our family, divorce, or any of that sort of thing.

I have not heard from the lawyer. Probably, I'll have to call the office and make an appointment.

W got on the ball this morning and arranged daycare during her classes and is on her way to the U to get her schedule straightened out and start the first day of classes. She's planning to take 4 classes again, and promised to drop while we can still get a refund if she drops this time. Last time, we paid for 4 classes, she dropped two (after the no-refund date) and made a C in the other two - and we suffered from her horrible mood and irritability under the stress of her classes - and OM was hanging out in the parking lot waiting for her on several occations.

This is the second half of her 9th academic year pursuing a BA. There comes a point where a person should just give up.

I don't want her to take any classes this semester, but I'm not going to tell her that she can't. I'm paying, of course, and having to borrow the money. I'm feeling some financial pressure, but we'll OK.

---------------

Now about W's friend, who I'm calling MOH here (she was maid of honor in our wedding). There are developments there. She recently discovered that her BF's final divorce only came in the last week of December. He had been telling her he was divorced in September. When they first met, in about August, he told her that he was "going through a divorce." It seems that she was probably 6 weeks pregnant when his divorce became final. There is, in our state, a 60 day waiting period for remarriage after D, and so she cannot marry him until the end of Feb. OUCH! She said she was crying and banging her head against the wall when she found out that his D was only final abt 2 weeks ago. He still says he will marry her. She believes everything he tells her. She says she loves him, trusts him completely. Oh well. There's nothing we can do to help her now really. She is an immegrant on H1B visa, so W emailed her that I would be glad to advise on the immigration stuff - which her BF probably doesn't know anything about. I don't have any problem helping with that - since it is for her good in any case, even if I don't approve of his conduct or treatment of her.

Here she is, unable to have a big wedding, (will be at least 4 mo preg when he is free to marry) unable to tell her friends even that she is preg - to celebrate that. He took so much away from her by not waiting until he was really free.

And, it seems likely now that he only signed the divorce papers after he was already "involved" with her. All his story about how horrible his w was ... well, it's just his story as far as we know. I hope he's a basicly good guy just a little off track. I hope.

-AD

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>