I have not decided yet if I will go to a Plan B or not. If I do it will be around mid-January and only if my h has not made any move towards counseling. I am still very undecided, though. However I've writen my Plan B letter so that I can be prepared should I decide to do it. It's a little wordy (lol...I'm ALWAYS a little wordy)...I would welcome any advice on what needs to be changed, added, or removed. Much thanks!

*****

Dear H,

I write to you today with sorrow, but also with a sense of peace and hope for my own future.

I love you deeply and my commitment to you and our marriage overwhelms even me at times. You are an endless source of inspiration to me and I admire the goals you have set for yourself and that you have been able to accomplish. You are a very warm and affectionate man with undercurrents that are a delight to discover.

I regret that we find ourselves in this place that is lonely and confusing for both of us. Until I left I did not understand how my own actions contributed to an unhappy marriage. I did not realize how my depression and unhappiness affected others. I didn’t understand the burden I created for you when I placed the responsibility for my happiness on your shoulders. I was lost and did not know how to change. I didn’t know what we needed to do to make a marriage that was a joy for both of us and one that was precious and in need of protection.

I have done much introspection over the last few months and believe I have found the tools we need to make a marriage in which we are joyful, loving and supportive. I have made many changes in my life over the last few months. Some of these you have noticed, some you have not. Some you are impatient with. I must continue with my changes and have demonstrated to myself that it’s possible and they are permanent. I still have much work to do, but with every success I have, my hope for MY future brightens and my confidence in my ability to make positive changes is bolstered. My hope is that I will be able to share this bright new future with you. I have seen and experienced some of the changes that you have made as well, particularly with openness of your feelings. I am proud of you and hope that you continue with your changes as well so that you may have a better future, whichever path you choose to take.

As my hope for my future increases, I have also come to the sorrowful realization that our current situation is becoming increasingly intolerable and is becoming an impediment to positive change. “Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes.” I feel that we are in a stagnant state and it is too painful and stressful for me to continue in this way. I would like to rebuild our marriage but cannot lose myself in the process—not ever again. I find my love for you slowly eeking away and my resentment growing. In order to preserve the love I still have for you and to stop my bitterness from overwhelming me, I must remove you from my daily life. I cannot visit with you, speak with you on the phone, correspond via mail, or through IM. This is not a punishment. This is a safeguard of my love so that if there should come a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding on marriage, there is still love and hope left with which to do that.

If you must contact me regarding financial or legal matters, you may do this through email. I expect our current financial arrangements to stay the same through June and also expect, if it is your eventual wish, that any filing will not be done until then either.

H, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I have learned so much these last few months and would like nothing better than to share it with you. Should there come a time when you feel you could commit wholly to trying to build a new foundation with me, it is something that I would like to discuss with you. For me a commitment toward working for a reconciliation would entail an agreement to NOT date others, an agreement to marriage counseling for at least three months, and a realistic plan of how we would actually reconcile if the counseling were to show us that path. By realistic I mean that I understand the logistics of duty stations, my education, etc. My hope is that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.

We were best friends once. I cannot imagine who I would rather spend my life with than my best friend.

You Are Loved,
K

<small>[ January 02, 2005, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

^bumping for editorial comment.

**I should note that when I say I require a minimum of three months of counseling, I mean three months before any final decision regarding our marriage is made. If we were to actually reconcile, I would want continuing counseling until we both felt we were in a great place. Do I need to be more specific on that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maddyk:
<strong> Do I need to be more specific on that? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he's a guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Other than that I wouldn't worry about editing it until you decide this it what you are going to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have not decided ... I am still very undecided.... should I decide to do it...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks, robby!

How about...

..."For me a commitment toward working for a reconciliation would entail an agreement to NOT date others, an agreement to marriage counseling for at least three months before any final decision regarding the marriage is made, and a realistic plan of how we would actually reconcile if the counseling were to show us that path. ..."

robby, I want to try and get this right now. If I wait until I've made a final decision then I will hem and haw and won't end up doing my plan b according to my current timeline. I'll find reasons and excuses not to do it, even if I know that I need to do it.

How're ya doing? Seems like I haven't seen you around in awhile.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maddyk:
<strong> ..."For me a commitment toward working for a reconciliation would entail an agreement to NOT date others, an agreement to marriage counseling for at least three months before any final decision regarding the marriage is made, and a realistic plan of how we would actually reconcile if the counseling were to show us that path. ..."

How're ya doing? Seems like I haven't seen you around in awhile. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds better!

My advice to all women when talking to guys is to be as simple and direct as possible. Don't leave any wiggle room. Pretend you're talking to a 3 year old!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

As for me, I rarely venture out of Idiotville!

But I'm around! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Looks good except,
Should there come a time when you feel you could commit wholly to trying to build a new foundation with me, it is something that I would like to discuss with you. For me a commitment toward working for a reconciliation would entail an agreement to NOT date others, an agreement to marriage counseling for at least three months, and a realistic plan of how we would actually reconcile if the counseling were to show us that path. By realistic I mean that I understand the logistics of duty stations, my education, etc. My hope is that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.
To me, you are expecting too much of a commitment from him to soon. You should limit it to ending the affair and all contact with ow.

Change it to something like,
"when you end you affair and all contact with ow, then I will resume contact with you and we get together to discuss our future.

Chris...that is where it gets weird for me.

There is no OW. He is not actually dating anyone, but will not commit to NOT dating either.

*editing to clear up any confusion*

His affair was almost two years ago now. I did not find MB until after June which is when we separated. In the interim, we honestly did nothing to try and repair the marriage. We took a "let's wait and see approach" because we didn't know what else we could do. I have Plan A'd for about six months now and it has proven somewhat effective, but I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure how much more I can take. He has shown signs of being willing to work on the marriage, but has done nothing about it for about two months (when he first stated that things were changing for him towards the marriage).

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

Maddy, I think your letter is very good and from what I know of you and the situation, it is right on target. I did copy it to another document and made some changes. these are only suggestions. i agree with you in that it is good to have this ready and not be reactive if something should happen between now and your "timeline."

Dear H,

I write to you today with sorrow and a need for a sense of peace and hope for my own future. I love you deeply and my commitment to you and our marriage overwhelms even me at times. You are an endless source of inspiration to me and I admire the goals you have set for yourself and what you have been able to accomplish. You are a very warm and affectionate man with undercurrents that are a delight to discover.

I regret that we find ourselves in this place that is lonely and confusing for both of us. Until I left I did not understand how my own actions contributed to an unhappy marriage. I did not realize how my depression and unhappiness affected others. I didn’t understand the burden I created for you when I placed the responsibility for my happiness on your shoulders. I was lost and did not know how to change. I didn’t know what we needed to do to make a marriage that was a joy for both of us, one that was precious and in need of protection.

I have done much introspection over the last few months and believe there are tools available that we could use to make a marriage which is joyful, loving and supportive. I have made many changes in my life over the last few months. Some of these you have noticed, some you have not. Even though with some you are impatient with, I still need to continue with my changes. I have demonstrated to myself that it’s possible and that they are permanent. I still have a lot of work to do but with every success I have, hope for MY future brightens and my confidence in my ability to make positive changes is bolstered. My hope is that I would be able to share this bright new future with you. I have seen and experienced some of the changes that you have made as well, particularly with openness of your feelings. I am proud of you and hope that you continue with your changes as well so that you may have a better future.

I have also come to the sorrowful realization that our current situation is becoming increasingly intolerable and an impediment to positive change. “Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes.” I feel that we are in a stagnant state and it is too painful and stressful for me to continue in this way. I would like to rebuild our marriage but cannot lose myself in the process—not ever again. I find my love for you slowly eeking away and my resentment growing. In order to preserve the love I still have for you and to prevent bitterness from overwhelming me, I must remove you from my daily life. I cannot visit with you, speak with you on the phone, correspond via mail, or through IM. This is not a punishment, only a safeguard, so that if there should come a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, there is still love and hope left with which to do that.

If you must contact me regarding financial or legal matters, you may do this through email. I expect our current financial arrangements to stay the same through June and also expect, if it is your eventual wish that any filing will not be done until then either.

H, I have the greatest confidence that we could build a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen and work as a team. I have learned so much these last few months and would like nothing better than to share it with you. Should there come a time when you feel you could commit to trying to build a new foundation with me, I welcome the discussion. For me a commitment toward reconciliation would entail an agreement to NOT date others, an agreement to marriage counseling for at least three months before any final decision regarding the marriage is made, and a realistic plan of how we would actually reconcile if the counseling were to show us that path. By realistic I mean that I understand the logistics of duty stations, my education, etc. My hope is that you will think hard on this and choose a commitment towards our marriage. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.

We were best friends once. I cannot imagine who I would rather spend my life with than my best friend.

You Are Loved,
K

Thanks, rr! Those are subtle but good changes and I appreciate the input. I can't tell you how good it feels to have a plan, even though I know that plan will be painful.

^bumping.

progress so far: Plan on taking rr's version pretty much as she wrote it...her changes are subtle, but I think they're important.

anyone else have comments?

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

^bump

^bump

^bump

^bumping, plus a question.

I don't think that my H is going to end up calling counseling. He may surprise me, but that is what I'm preparing myself for.

My husband is pretty busy at work. I've lived with it and don't doubt that it is true. But right now he's on "holiday routine". He will have to work a couple of days and will have to stand duty, but that's it. He does not have a regular work schedule. This holiday routine lasts until Jan 10th. He has said that he is going to call counseling during this time, but again, I'm preparing myself for the "Why didn't you remind me? ", "Sorry, I was busy and didn't think of it.", etc etc.

My plan is to go to Plan B a little before or on the 15th. Maybe send my letter on Jan 10th if he does not call SH this week to at least set up the appointment.

so here's my question. Do I ask him sometime this week..maybe Thursday if he's called counseling? This gives him a chance to do the last minute thing. But on the other hand he knows I want him to call...he has said he would call during this time, etc. So that is my only quandry now...if he does not mention that he has called...do I ask him if he did before I Plan B or do I just go into it?

thanks for input.

^bump

^bump

Hello Maddyk,

I couldn't remember your timeline, I thought you said you did as far as when to give your H the letter. Have you done that yet? BTW I think the letter is pretty good, I was thinking about plagarising a few lines, if that was okay with you.

Native

My timeline for Plan B is just before or around Jan 15th and ONLY if my husband does not make an appt with the Harleys. If he makes the appt this week, no plan B. He has said that the reason he hasn't called is because he's got so much going on at work. Okay..I'll accept that...as long as he DOES call during his holiday time. That is this week. But since he knows I expect him to call...and he has said he's going to at this time, I'm not sure whether or not I should remind him before I execute Plan B. Lol..am I making sense or talking in circles? Did I even answer your question, native? Anyway, if I do my Plan B...I'm thinking that I'll send the letter on Monday Jan 10th. He's in Puerto Rico so should get it by Thursday. Possibly not until the following Monday but it's hard to tell with the way mail is down there. That about fits in with my timeline. Come Jan 10th, he's off holiday routine and regular work schedule resumes so if he hasn't called before then, I can indefinitely expect the "busy at work" excuse.

**edit**

And copy away if you like what you see. most people's Plan B letters are a mish-mash. For me it was important to include:

1) *Why* I loved him
2) The changes I've noticed in him
3) Acknowledgement of my mistakes
4) saying how my changes have affected me and acknowledging that he has noticed them
5) That I want to rebuild
6) The continued contact with him at this point is hurtful to me and my healing (positive changes)

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

Okay makes sense Maddyk. How will you know that he has called SH since he's in Puerto Rico? Does he know of your Plan B "IF" he doesn't call? If that is the case are you worried that he's only doing to to delay Plan B? I wouldn't remind him, this isn't a grocery list, this is a life decision. IMVHO, if he can't remember this promise that he made, than BLAM nail him with Plan B.

Native

I'll know because he'll tell me. That is not something he would hide and he would tell me so that I could tell him that I was glad and that I was proud of him for taking that step. He knows how important this is to me and it's something that I have not pushed at ALL. I mentioned it early on in our separation which was in June. In Novemember, HE asked ME for the numbers. I waited about a month before giving them to him (after he asked me for them again.). Since then I've only asked maybe once or twice if he was planning on calling and he basically said he was going to do it right after the holidays.

we do talk on the phone a few times a week. I'm going to be the perfect Plan A'r via phone this week. He knows nothing about Plan B. I didn't want to use that as a "threat", not did I want to undermine its purpose.

And ya know, native, I do believe I will not hear from him again until June when he files. That's just the way I see this happening. I think he will totally respect my wish for NC because he feels as strongly about being able to date as I feel about not wanting him to. Honestly, the 3rd condition has already been met (but I want it restated if he agrees to my condition) and the 2nd condition..well, *words* have met it but no action yet. He truly does not think that dating during our separation is wrong. Bah..I don't want to go into it..it makes me angry and I want to DJ all over the place!