Coach,

WOW, that was totally uncalled for! What drives you to be filled with such hatred? How could you be so opinionated about someone else's life?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Myrta shouldn't have to explain herself here. It's amazing how people tout that she's doing a great job, getting her M back on track, etc., and then the moment they hear something that might be construed wrong, they jump all over her! Wrong!

Myrta didn't stick up for the OM here. Did you read that she did?? She also wanted to protect her family, and her reputation. It's her decision, and Stanley's, when and if to tell the truth to her family. Not ours.

Stop assuming that she cares for the OM just because she doesn't want her secret out. Stop assuming she cares for the OM because she feels that Stanley made a mistake in contacting him. She said that he made that mistake only because she fears he'll try to contact her MORE now.

She's done everything in her power to stop the OM from all contact. She's abided by NC. She's tried to put her M back on track. Can we give her a little credit here, or is that wrong to do, in case she "slips up" down the line??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

CC

COACH3530---
If I did not have any character or strenght, I would still be in the Affair. I had the strenght to stop the Affair.
I think I am cleaning up the mess that I created pretty well. You dont live here with my husband and I to think that you know what am I doing.
My husband found this our because I told him. Otherwise, he will not know. The OM is not publishing in the newspapers anything about my husband. He is not talking anything to my parents. He is not doing anything, but being inmature by going to visit my parents that he knew before the Affair. The OM is friends with my brother since the 1980s. He has known my family for a long time. Is not like he is suddenly trying to befriend strangers.

If my husband supposely forgave me, this guilty pointing to me should be erase completely. I am not about to pay all my life for this mistake. Is already hard enough to re-construct my marriage. But I am not going to be label the "bad guy" forever! by you or by anyone else here.

I think that the fact that my husband paid any attention to the OMs doing makes him look worst that if he had done the opposite. If he ignores OM, does not give him the "time of his life" would had make him feel inferior in power! But by doing this mountain he is giving OM so much importance and power.

Myrta

Sorry Myrta,

Gonna have to agree with Coach here.

This is your mess [tosses rag] clean it up.

Do not for one minute expect your betrayed husband to sit back and tolerate one more iota of disrespect from either of you, your reputation is a false one..you have reformed, good for you, now fix the issue of exposure so that he has ZERO ability to further afflict what remains of your marriage and family.

I have seen at least a couple of posts on this thread that are almost as full to the brim of La La drivel as a currently wayward spouse..and in that world..continued attemps to contact are allowed to be loving gestures and not sick obsessive aggression. Which world do YOU live in? You have another choice to make. Will you choose to tickle your ego again? Or bite the bullet and do whatever is necessary to make right what is wrong to the best of your ability no matter how great the cost?

This would be a good oportunity for the two of you to make some decisions..with the very real possibility..no, probability, that lovely OM is about to expose you to everyone he is working at contacting should those efforts frustrate him.

Controlled burn may really be your best option..not necessarily one you need to utilize today, this minute..but I'd be getting prepared if I were you.

Myrta, don't cut yourself any slack..none of this "well, I was unhappy for a long time"

Stanly, this is where YOU get to prove that you are faithfull, that you mean what you say..you are in all probability about to stand at your wifes side through her greatest humiliation, prepare for it, and do not fail her.

The odds that you will be able to put a gag on this man are..small. Basically, as long as what he says is true..he can say what he wants..to who he wants..and not a damn thing you can do about it.

Noodle

Oh for God's sake, Noodle, grow up!

Your post was ridiculous! Sorry, I am a FWW too, so maybe I'm a little defensive where Myrta is concerned. She knows that this contact is dangerous. She's not promoting it, but she'd like to have it handled differently. She'd rather have her family stop contact with the OM without having to tell them of the details YET. Is that so wrong? She's not living in denial. She's not hoping for the OM to come back. She could have had him back at any time! She chose to stay with Stanley and make it work. And, she's tried very hard to do that!

You people are all amazing--jumping on her back when the slightest thing goes wrong. YOu could give advice in a kind way. Don't jump on the bandwagon and chastize her! Don't be so judgmental! If you want to warn her, then, so be it. She doesn't think that the OM is maintaining contact in order to blow the whistle on her, and I believe her. He's maintaining contact b/c he was close to them all before the A happened. Yes, it's probably wrong of him to do, but it's up to her family to try to stop that contact. Myrta will tell her family about the A when and if she's ever ready. Can't we ease up a bit??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

CC

CC:

OM met Myrta's brother once 20 years ago. After NC he all of a sudden calls for a lunch date and offers a job to Myrtas nephew.

Myrta introduced OM to his Mother when she went back home to see OM. Mother thinks OM is a school friend. Now afre NC OM calls and vists in laws? Never did this dutring the affair! Brings Xmas presents?? Never did this during the affair! Also brought a birthday present to Myrta's home and delivered it to the parents? Nevr did this during the affair!! Now IMs my daughters and then stays quiet. Myrta also introduced OM to my daughters while having the affair.

OM IS NO OLD FRIEND OF THE FAMILY BECAUSE HE MET MYRTA'S BRO ONCE 20 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, whoa there Buttercup. Nobody's jumping on her back - well, except Coach, who wielded a pretty tough 2x4 there. Sadly, there is truth to it, as Noodle attested, said much more gently and supportively. I understand this is raw.

The saddest thing my mother had to realize was that while she had the secret, she thought she had control. But she didn't. The OM was dead, but there was a witness from the past - one that couldn't be made out to be an angry, betrayed spouse who wouldn't harm her own children by outing the other woman. - that was ME. 18 months old at the time I witnessed it. And eventually, I would confront her. Mom had no clue of the fire that scarred my life. She didn't know she had to do a controlled burn.

Myrta has that chance. Because she doesn't hold the flame thrower that stands to harm her children. And she can't stop that flame thrower. She can't ignore it away. If it were that simple, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Stanley,

Okay, sorry, I didn't know that. So, obviously the guy is desperately trying to maintain some sort of contact or connection to Myrta. He sounds pitiful to me. Dangerous? I don't know. I doubt it! He's just looking for a connection. I thought the way to go (which is probably what my FOW did with her mom!!) would be to somehow forewarn Myrta's family and your children about the OM. Just that they should stay away from him, for whatever reason.

I understand Myrta's wish for this to still remain a secret from your children and from her family. If that's possible, that's great! She'll tell them in time, when and if she's ever ready. I already talked to her about this and told her that I DO plan on telling my children when they're mature enough and it fits the circumstance. I'm only human, and I'm not afraid that they'll think less of me when they find out. Maybe it'll somehow prepare them MORE in life! Anyway, it's up to you and Myrta when or if to tell anyone. I do agree, that keeping the secret gives the OM more fuel for the fire.

I'm sorry you're both going through this. She's done all she could to maintain the NC. She's done a lot to try to repair and rebuild your M. It seems to be her priority. I hope that this one thing doesn't upset your progress. It'll all work out and HOPEFULLY the OM won't take it any further. I wish you and Myrta the best! Please take care of yourself and take care of Myrta. I'm sure she's very upset.

CC

KaylaAndy,

Sorry-we must have been posting at the same time (gosh, I HAVE to get to bed soon!!). I'm sorry for what you've gone through. Must have been horrid. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As far as Myrta is concerned, I don't think she's avoiding anything. She doesn't want this contact with her family to continue. She just wants to handle it in her own way. I hope that one day she'll tell her children the truth, but that's up to her.

I still stand by what I said--Coach and Noodle were very harsh with Myrta, and it was uncalled for. Something like this could set her back. I know the feeling all too well. Feels like everyone jumps on the bandwagon when you have a mis-step. So, please weigh your words carefully. This is all so very sensitive!

Nite all.

CC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Buttercup:CC:
<strong> Oh for God's sake, Noodle, grow up!

Excuse me?

Your post was ridiculous! Sorry, I am a FWW too, so maybe I'm a little defensive where Myrta is concerned.

No, BC...you are a LOT defensive. Mostly about how my interpretation of OMs actions reflect on YOUR actions. Not really about Myrta and especially not Stanley [He counts too remember?] at all.

She knows that this contact is dangerous.

Nothing that Myrta has done reflects at all that she accepts this. You do not seem to accept it either.

She's not promoting it, but she'd like to have it handled differently.

So...you're saying that she would rather her children NOT know that she has been an unfaithfull wife. No kidding? Problem is..it is out of her control. OM has a will of his own, and the ability to contact her family and tell them anything he chooses. He is demonstrating frustration with his inability to contact her directly. He is managing to raise flags even in the unaware. Sounds like it's about to hit the fan to me. Better to expose yourself, truthfully, with your husband at your side than live in fear. I'd block that road if I were her..just out of self preservation.

She'd rather have her family stop contact with the OM without having to tell them of the details YET.

Change YET to EVER and you've got it right.

Is that so wrong?

Not wrong..just an unfortunate unlikelyhood given that OM is not respecting the requested NC.

She's not living in denial.

Give me a break..of course she is living in denial. She has had a second residence there for a great while, and she shares that residence with OM..he hasn't moved out yet..she HAS but her perceptions with regard to him smack of denial and frank blatant fantasy.

She's not hoping for the OM to come back. She could have had him back at any time!

This is irrelevant..it has nothing to do with the FACT that her actions have consequences..and one of those MIGHT be the loss of her reputation until she has earned it back. Unfortunate, but legitimite.

She chose to stay with Stanley and make it work. And, she's tried very hard to do that!

She has TALKED a lot about it..this would be her opportunity to ACT.

You people are all amazing

You people? I thought you were addressing me?

--jumping on her back when the slightest thing goes wrong. YOu could give advice in a kind way. Don't jump on the bandwagon and chastize her! Don't be so judgmental! If you want to warn her, then, so be it.

Precisely..to warn her..that unfortunately, I can not roll her affair in sugar to make it more palatable to her..or you. You made choices, both of you..and this is the other end of the stick....more choices..painful and humiliating. Truth is kindness. I'm not going to butter her ears. Accept it or discard it.

She doesn't think that the OM is maintaining contact in order to blow the whistle on her, and I believe her.

On what grounds do you believe her...her history of great decisions with regard to this person? Her unflawed perception and judgement?

He's maintaining contact b/c he was close to them all before the A happened. Yes, it's probably wrong of him to do, but it's up to her family to try to stop that contact.

It's...*probably* wrong? PROBABLY?! He HAD AN AFFAIR WITH HER! Now he is calling her children and visiting her parents when he was asked for NO CONTACT. How and why should they cease contact with him if they do not know why such grand measures are in order?

Myrta will tell her family about the A when and if she's ever ready. Can't we ease up a bit??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm just going to take a moment here, and re-introduce Stanley to this equation..for Buttercups benefit. OM does NOT get to contact HIS children or infringe any further on HIS life and marriage. If it hurts OMs little baby feelings..tough. He stepped out of bounds and participated in the ruination of a good portion of this mans LIFE. He doesn't get ANY consideration. None. Myrta is responsible for any and all fall out. It is her responsibility to take a stand for her husband and refuse to allow his dignity to be dimished any further. It is her responsibility to expose herself IF it is necessary to chase to OM off and give him no avenue into their lives. It is her responsibility to make right what she has broken the greatest extent she is able. Her feelings and her readiness are not the priority issue.

Noodle

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

i agree with buttercup that this is a very sensitive issue. no one else knows how you would react unless you have "been there". but even if you had, i still think we could be a little nicer about it.from what i have seen and heard from stan-ley and myrta,they are well on the road to recovery. myrta has done all she could do. i believe she deserves some credit for that. although as a BH, i can understand stan-ley feeling a little in-secure.[ i don't mean that bad].i think they should tell the family when THEY think it is the right time, if ever.
i agree with just learning, stan-ley and myrta have a lot to be proud of, and the children will respect them when/if they find out.
JMHO........ARJDAD

The two of you really need to get on the same page! I have read some (admittedly not all) of your threads where the both of you post together. The tone which is portrayed is like two old ninnies arguing over incidental stuff. "I say 6." "No! It's half a dozen!" IMHO, this is what the tone has been. And it turns into snapping back and forth at each other on the thread. (Unfortunately, most of the issues at hand are far from "incidental" though.)

You know what? It doesn't really matter how long ago, how well, or anything the OM has known Myrta's family. OM will and is proving very well now, to ALWAYS be a threat. Not necesasarily a particular threat (i.e. renewed contact, violence, whatever.) ALWAYS. Myrta, it is your responsibility to be held accountable for any and all repercussions that the A has caused. It is your responsibility to do everything in your power to make stanley and your M a safe place again.

Your responses are coming off as, "What's the big deal?" OM is. To be quite honest with you (and not necessarily to scare you) but the first thing I thought of after reading this thread was a Hollywood movie about some psychopath taking revenge on what he can't have and what's been denied him. Myrta, don't sell the OM short: you know as well as me and any other FWS what the fog does to rational thinking. IT IS A BIG DEAL. You should know better. He will attempt to do anything to think he still has control. IMHO, this is way more serious than you are making it out to be.

Myrta, you are in the driver's seat to stanley's security and safety in this M. In this situation, it's the same for your family's. You have the control to nip this in the bud and take the control and SHOW stanley you mean business; don't just shrug it off. And even if it is "nothing" like you're making it out to be, it is obviously important to stanley--you can easily make some deposits. Reread noodle's post.

Why the resistance?

EDITED TO ADD:
Yes, I too believe, from what I've read, you are on the road to recovery--a huge step from "before." Recovery--IMHO--will be lifelong. It's work. It's understanding. It's accountability. It's POJA. It's so many things--but working together. Take a step back from this one situation, this one issue you are discussing. What are the facts? What are your goals? What could be the repercussions?

Best wishes--you guys *CAN* do this!

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 12:39 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

Coach and Noodle are right on the money, Myrta. And coming from someone who HAS recovered their marriage... almost seven years now... you need to forget about protecting the OM and yourself and start protecting and supporting the man who should MATTER... your DH. Because if you don't pick up the rag and clean up your mess so to speak, you haven't a chance in h*ll of saving your marriage. The OM has NO PLACE IN YOUR, YOUR FAMILIES lives. YOU are still allowing him to invade what should be only your husbands safe space.

Hi All,

I asked weeks ago about OM's contact with Myrta's family and was basicly ignored. I remember calling him a snake in the grass, among other things.

Has anyone thought of the threat to Stanley & Myrta's GROWN daughters from this man?

Myrta, you have got to stop this NOW! Stanley, you have got to stand by Myrta through it all. Do as JL wrote, see a lawyer and stop this man. What good is your reputation if OM can hurt you or your family more? I think your children would respect you more for standing up and protecting them from any fallout.

Case in point. My children know about their mother's affair(s). Indeed, one of them is a result of her affair(s). Yet, they still love her and have a relationship with her. Myrta, if your children find out, it won't be the end of the world. Stanley has been there for over 35 years. Put up an united front and battle this enemy of the family.

I know I've rambled on; however, I think you understand where I'm coming from. I agree with JL, Noodle, and others.

I sort of agree and disagree with everyone on this.

Yes I see Myrta's point and I also see Stanleys insecurity. Yeah understand that one alright.

I at first would approach the family and inlaws from the point of view of saying this person is NOT a family friend and has been stalking Myrta, because thats what he IS doing isn't it.

I would ask ALL family members especially daughters/sons to NOT accept contact with him on this basis.

If you need to you can go the full hog and explain the full affair as circumstances dictate.

A2, better said than me. Start low, than crank up the heat as needed.

The ethics of this situation seem clear.

OM can do whatever he likes, whether it bothers others or not. His power is in holding a secret about Myrta that he knows Myrta is terrified of having released to her family. Essentially, he's blackmailing her.

Myrta can wipe out his power at a stroke if she reveals the secret to her family. Then THEY have the information to make their own decisions about OM. Without that information, they will be confused by OM's actions, and defenceless against him.

Myrta therefore has a choice:

1) Disarm OM and protect her family, at the cost of considerable embarrassment and pain to herself.

2) Protect herself from pain and embarrassment, at the cost of her family's safety and well-being.

She is choosing Option 2, essentially excusing herself from taking the full burden of responsibility for the situation.

All the special-pleading in the world can't disguise the fact that this is a self-protective decision. Myrta, grow up and be honest with yourself.

There is, of course, another way for the OM's power to be broken.

Stan-ley could tell the family.

TogetherAlone

This is a difficult situation. I would love to tell OM exactly what I think of him and it would be great to have a restraining order in place. However, NO ONE can stop OM from outing Myrta. From day one it has been my goal to protect my children from this mess. I never thought about going public because the affair ended on D-day.

I told my wife the marriage would immediately end if she reverts back to OM. But, even in that circumstance I thought I would make up some other excuse to end the marriage so the kids would not suffer. I also truly love my wife and want to spare her the humiliation of public exposure. As for me----- it would also be humiliating, but in the end I would survive that pretty well. I am not sure that my wife could take it. She is perceived as the perfect mom and woman by her kids and the entire family.

I am somewhat disappointed that my wife sees OM as a benign entity, but at this time her judgment could be impaired------------- D-day was only seven months ago.

I wrote OM a very polite letter and explained to him the chaos associated with the discovery of an affair. I did not insult him, but once again I asked him to leave my family alone. I told him that my wife's family is my family! There are many things I could tell this OM that are "truths" and not insults. I refrained from telling those truths to him. As a last resort I wrote a very polite words hoping that perhaps this OM has some remorse for what he has done or that perhaps he is not 100% selfish. I will wait and see if he makes contact again.

BTW, OM did not respond. He has never responded to my communications-------- I think he is a coward!

HEY ALL!!!
Since my husband and I are not agreeing in anything here, I should do what you all think is the "honorable "thing to do. I will personally tell my kids about what a horrific act I did to their father. But I will also leave my marriage and my kids. Like I said, i could never face my kids yet, of what I did. I repented and ended all Contact, but obviously is not enough for Stanley oor anyone here.

Today, I will tell my kids what I did. I will leave my marriage to my husband.
Thanks all!!

MYRTA

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> HEY ALL!!!
Since my husband and I are not agreeing in anything here, I should do what you all think is the "honorable "thing to do. I will personally tell my kids about what a horrific act I did to their father. But I will also leave my marriage and my kids. Like I said, i could never face my kids yet, of what I did. I repented and ended all Contact, but obviously is not enough for Stanley oor anyone here.

Today, I will tell my kids what I did. I will leave my marriage to my husband.
Thanks all!!

MYRTA </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sigh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I guess Coach and Noodle pegged you square on after all. This utter selfish destructive way of handling news... yeah. just burn down the marriage. no controlled burn. no pre-emptive strike. Just destroy your children.

Childish, Myrta. And much much beneath you as you have already come so far.

In your responses in this thread, you still minimize the OM's actions and exaggerate your husband's actions and our feedback.

So be it. I pity your children as you are an incredibly volatile mother to react this way.

It's your life. Sadly, it's theirs and Stanley's too.

KAYLA ANDY---Yes, I stoop very low, but I tried to redeemed myself. But people like you,NOodle and Coach, think that I am not doing enough. I guess misery loves company!! So I will do what you all advise me to do, expose myself to stop OM from further damage. Because he is a mean SOAB!! Yup. he is out to get me, he is , and all of you too. I have never done anything volatile in my life, but the affair, and it ended badly and I learned from it. I am very contained person, usually, think all my actions before doing any of them.

Thanks

Myrta