The FOM who is under strict NC with my FWW has been stalking my daughters on line. He IMs and then says nothing. My daughters think OM is a childhood friend of my wife and do not suspect the affair. However, they keep asking my wife why this is happening.

OM is from out of state and lives very close to the family of my wife. Since NC was established OM has befriended my wife's family and visits for coffee, has lunch, with my brother law, and calls my in-laws regularly to chat with them. Yesterday he visited and brought Xmas presents. My in-laws do not seem to suspect because they are elderly. At this time the affair is a secret because there was never a need to go public (The affair ended instantly on D-day).

OM has also mailed stuff to my house and used to call against my wishes until I changed the phone number.

I am very disturbed by this activity and I know quite well OM has some sort of plan to out my wife. This would cause great pain to my five children as well as the entire family.

Should I try to put in place a restraining order or should I keep ignoring this. So far I have ignored this contact, but OM seems to be escalating the contact with my wife's relatives who are ignorant of his motives, The family is probably wondering why is this guy so friendly all of a sudden.


Should I call OM? I have avoided that because I know I will explode. I don't think I can have a civil conversation with this man. Should I write a polite email asking to stay away? I have done that more than once.

How can I place a restraining order to keep him away from my in-laws and daughters if they themselves don't know about the stalking?

Stanley,

How old are your daughters? If they are still young...can you set them up with Internet Accounts that have parental controls? I know AOL has this. You can set up an account that has very limited IM capability - or none at all.

As a first step, I'd contact my Internet Service Provider.

Does your wife know this is going on? If so..what is her take on it?

Stanley,

I would go to a lawyer and discuss what the options are. I would go to the police and tell them the situation and discuss what the options are. I would send him a registered letter telling him to cease and desist from contacting you, your W, your children and yes her family. Your lawyer should be able to tell you what to say.

If he then goes against the letter, the contact the police and offer up all of the information on his contacts. I believe I remember he was in law inforcement at one time or another. Get your ducks in a row and if things continue and he violates any court orders contact his employer.

It may become necessary to tell your W's family about the A without mentioning it to your children. I understand why neither of you want to do that, but their protection does come first. Sadly, Stanley all of your fears about this guy being scum are coming true.

I suspect he is out to either try and win Myrta back by destroying your marriage or punish her be divulging or forcing you all to divulge the A.

I understand her concerns with regard to the children, but there is a positive side to all of this that neither of you have consisdered.

Yes, she had the affair, but she ended it. Further she is working hard to repair the damage she did to your marriage. Yes, she cheated on you, but you have forgiven her and you are working hard to rebuild your marriage.

Myrta and Stanley, what you are doing is something you should be PROUD of and it is a lesson that all of your children could learn from. I suspect that your children will be surprised if they knew, but that they would love BOTH of you even more for working through all of this and staying together.

So start by talking to the lawyer ASAP, and then move on to the next level. While I realize you both want the children to think the best of you, you might be surprised to find out they think even more of you when they find out you are human, can make mistakes, can be deeply hurt, and still work through it to make your marriage a good thing.

I will offer you a little perspective. My father was my hero when I was a kid. He was a pilot, he was a war hero, with many many medals, and he was successful in his career in the military. But, as I got older I learned he was a human being. That he did not always make the right decisions. That he did not always succeed. That things did not always work out for him as he hoped. And do you know what?

When I found out he was human and had failings I was even more impressed with him. It was no longer the hero worship of a little boy. It was a deep profound respect of an adult for another adult. What you and Myrta fear, may actually be what makes your children see the real world and how well you two have handled it.

So go step by step, but if the next necessary step is telling the children and family, take it holding each others hand and showing your children what true love actually means. It is not that everything goes well all of the time, it is the commitment to love someone and be loved through good times and bad.

That is all I can offer. I do hope you take care of this scum bag.

God Bless,

JL

Regarding your wife's family, the 4.0 answer is that she should advise them to send this creep packing.

As for your daughters, I recommend YOU contact him in writing telling him that further attempted contact with your daughters will result in legal action.

Has your wife sent a NC letter? Is OM married?

WAT

Stanley,

You sound very upset about this, and I guess I would be too, being on the other end of it! Can your daughters block him on IM? You don't have to tell them details, but just say that you'd prefer that they don't speak to him. Keep it simple, like, "We'd rather you don't speak to him." It's easy to block someone.

As far as your in-laws go... I have to say that when I couldn't find my OW after she initiated NC, I desperately wanted to know how she was doing. I feared that her H kicked her out or that she was in a very fragile state of mind. I wrote to her mother (whom I had met several times, and became friendly with), asking her how my ex was doing. I didn't give details of our NC, but just alluded to the fact that we had a "falling out" and I wanted to make sure that she was okay. The letter got sent back to me anyway, marked "refused". I'm *sure* that my ex didn't tell her mother details. Her mom is older and would never understand it all! I'm sure that she told her that I was unstable or something to scare her from talking to me (which is sad because I did like her and I'd hate to have her think badly of me!).

Anyway, talk to Myrta and see what you come up with. I don't think that telling her parents would do any good. There has to be a better way to get them to limit their relationship with him. Maybe you could explain that he became "too friendly" with Myrta and you both want to distance him from your lives?

On the flip side, I just want to tell you that I don't know the OM's plan (if he has one!), but being on that side of it, I know how he's feeling. He's feeling sad, dejected and confused. He's looking for a way to keep that connection, and he possibly DID like Myrta's family, so it makes things even harder. I didn't have a "plan" to infiltrate my ex's family. I just had strong ties with them all (but our A was nearly 3 years long), and wanted to remain close to them, as unrealistic as that sounds.

I really do doubt that he's trying to get to Myrta through them, but he just wants to remain somehow connected to her. It's really sad. I guess you have to do whatever you think is smart in order to protect your marriage, but it should be agreed upon with Myrta.

CC

Stanely,

I'm curious...are absolutely sure that the OM's are coming from the OM? What proof do you have?

Unfortunately, you probably don;t have a legal right to tell OM that he can't visit whomever he damn well chooses to visit. The only way to nip that in the bud would be for her parents to withdraw THEIR welcome.

Did your wife's NC letter spell out any possible consequences from continued conatact? I ask because I had a similar situation. Our OM got a female co-worker to call my wife on his behalf and ask if she wanted to speak with him.

Both my wife and I considered that attempt to be a violation of No Contact. I called him at work to complain, and his wife later told me that he nearly got fired.

I told her - and him - that if there is another chance I contact, I will contact him at work again - and I will tell his boss that he was using the company phone and property to carry on an affair.

I guess that what I'm saying is this: talk to your wife and gauge how she feels about this. If you both see it as a violation of NC, then communicate firmly to the OM that there will be consequences if the behavior continuees. If he continues after he has been warned...then bring your full power to bear on him.

Stanley,
This is a classic! What your WW has done is brought her dirt into your home again only this time it’s been tracked into her parent’s home and into your daughter’s home as well. Did she do this on purpose? Of course she didn’t but she did it never the less!

And this goes way beyond triggers into the realm of frightening. This is an intolerable and unforgivable breach of ethics that now requires total and a complete honest disclosure of all the facts from your wife, to all those that the OM may know.

This is not something you can handle nor should you be expected to try. This is something that your wife has to face. This is what’s meant by accepting responsibility for the things we do! And Stanley, she can’t take the easy way out and write a letter, send and E-mail or be in contact with the OM in any way! That’s what he’s attempting to provoke!

No Stanley, I’m sorry but it’s now time to bite the bullet and let all friends and relatives know what a sick SOB this crazy scum b@g really is! Your wife has been around here talking the talk! Saying the right things and trying to do the right things I’m sure but that’s not enough! Saying I’m sorry never is. Now it’s time for her to show that she’s sorry. Now it’s time, (as we New York boys are fond of saying) for her to walk the walk.

Sorry to sound so cold but this is a cold, cold problem.
Coach

OR, BUY A PLAN TICKET AND KICK HIS A**, There is no way I would tolerate that kind of crap from any OM...


My kids do not need to be harrased, so I would serve him with a hot plate of size 9 boot

THere's no need to explain "why" to family and children. Only that OM has turned out to be someone who once he has shown his true colors to you and your wife, is not healthy; that you and your wife have asked him to never contact them again, and that he is using THEM to continue to violate and disrespect your wishes.

AND do a pre-emptive strike and say that he has been known to tell malicious lies and half-truths to cause further harm and pain to you and your wife. If they ask for more details, say, "I'd rather not say, but I know you love us and want to protect us and we want to protect you from this man's stalking behavior. We don't want you hurt by him, so please do not entertain his conversations or presence any further. We may have to get the police involved."

Anyone who disrespects my family, for whatever reason, no longer is credible or believable to me.

Follow through with the notification of the police in both your areas. If your daughters are young enough, you could possibly get him on trying to ensnare your daughters in some kind of freak-cyber-abuse situation -- all sorts of trouble he could begin having to help keep his attention on other things. Let him know that your wife really truly is finished with him. Never to return.

Thanks to all for the input, including JL.

After reading JL's comment I almost called a lawyer. But, I am afraid that if I confront the OM he will immediately blow the whistle to all and my wife will suffer a great deal. My wife has told me more than once that she would rather die than to face public exposure of the affair. She believes our children will reject her forever. BTW, all my children are adults except a 12 year old (have 5 kids).


I drafted a letter to OM asking him to stop this action, however, I have written this guy before and he always ignores anything I say. OM is convinced my wife is in love with him. OM told my wife that she stays in the marriage because she is a coward and is unwilling to act with courage to have a happy life with him. The problem was made worse when my wife wanted to let go slowly rather than abruptly. OM took this as a very positive sign.

I suspect OM is doing this to see if my wife calls him. Every time OM visits my mother in law is in the phone that night telling my wife that her childhood friend came over and what a “nice man he is----- so caring, so polite, and looking out for them“.

My wife thinks OM is doing this out of love and that he is still a nice man. In other words my wife thinks he is acting like Buttercup. I am not so sure about that--------- This guy is bad news.

The dilemma is:

1. If In get a lawyer he will surely out my wife before moving on.
2. If I send a nasty email, he may do the same.
3. If my wife makes contact OM wins and I still have a problem.

BTW, this guy borrowed cash (for his own personal use) from my wife who is a home-maker knowing quite well he would never have to pay back. He also knew I had earned that money to support my family and not to support him. So I am afraid this guy has very little integrity.

My gut tells me to do nothing and hopefully he will give up when he sees no results. Nevertheless I am quite worried. He often shows up at my in-laws un-announced. What will happen if my wife and I are visiting? I have never seen OM in person, but I have seen his photo from his web site. I know quite well I will beat the crap out of him and I am a very pacific man.

I am certainly stressed about this and I worried much more about my wife. At the end of the day I will be OK since I didn’t do anything wrong. But even then-- I want to avoid having to face my own family as the BH.

Stanley,

You and your wife can pre-empt this without exposing your wife entirely. Brand the man as a liar and manipulator who uses half-truths to get his way. Paint him as a violator of your trust. All of these things are true.

With that much of a pre-emptive strike, he will not have enough credibility to "out" your wife.

Stanley,
I agree with KaylaAndy. Don't tell your children and family everything. Just tell them enough that they won't speak to him anymore. Tell them that you think he's dangerous or that he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Thank you for not ripping me apart for telling you what I did about my own situation. I'm glad that you see that I wasn't trying to stalk her or use her family to get through to her. I had no grand delusions. I was just concerned for her. Now, are you SURE that this OM is "bad"?? Can't he possibly be really in need of good therapy? It sounds like he can't let go. It sounds like he's trying to connect with Myrta's parents and family in order to still feel that connection to her. It's sad, but I don't see anything purposefully harmful to anyone other than to himself for not being able to move on.

Anyway, my advice would be to tell her parents (together) that you'd appreciate it if they'd keep their distance from him. No need for harsh truths here; just keep it simple, like, "We're concerned that he's not what he appears to be" or whatever. If they stop speaking to him, then his connection is over. Your daughters should be forewarned too, if you don't want them talking to him. Good luck!

CC

Stanley,

I still say see a lawyer so that you KNOW what your options are and how to proceed if he does in fact continue contact with your kids or her family. If Myrta will not stand up and protect her children from this man, who will???

I can see absolutely no good coming from this contact and a lot of very bad things, including him splitting up your marriage. Perhaps she would rather divorce your than have your children know, but your children know something is up, they are not dumb.

So talk to the lawyer and get options and a plan so that if you need to act, you can act. I think Myrta is being very near sighted on this issue, as it clearly affects you, and that means it affects the rest of the family. Further, she may not get the chance to "explain" what happened if this continues to escalate.

God Bless,

JL

What does Myrta have to "protect" her children and parents from? Do we know?? Do we know that this OM is going to be a threat of any kind? Or do we know that maybe he's just in his own fog, looking desperately for a connection to Myrta?? I don't see any evil intentions here (yet).

Can't Myrta just ask her parents and children to be more aware or cautious of him????

CC

P.S. Stanley--I think that if you emailed the OM, complaining about this, he'll take it entirely a different way. If I heard from my OW's H, I'd think that he had something to worry about! I don't think you should have approached him. I think that her parents and children should have just blocked him, if that's what you and Myrta wished for!

Buttercup, I understand what JL is saying: Myrna HAS to be prepared to let go of all secrets to protect her family from the man she exposed them to through her past betrayal of her marriage. She may not have to, but she has to be prepared to go to that wall for her family. She did her selfish act of betrayal. She MUST NOT require Stanley, her parents and her children to suffer at the hands of this monster she created.

Keep in mind, it might not be required, but it was out of her hands with her first choice to betray.

KaylaAndy,
We're not hearing Myrta's side of this. We're hearing her say that she wants to protect her children from hearing this truth right now, and I don't blame her. She's looking out for their best interests now! Maybe she thinks that it can and should be handled another way. Maybe her parents and her children can just be warned not to talk to the OM, without hearing more details first!!

This doesn't mean that Myrta (not Myrna, as you called her! LOL) isn't willing to face the truth; it means that she's doing what she feels is best as her children's mother, right now. I think that has to be respected too.

CC

KAYLAANDY-JL-WORTHATRY-COCAH3530-MSCHLUTER---

My husband Stanley has been telling me over and over since DD, with the help of JL and others here, that I should trust him and tell him everything that happens around OM. So far I have been doing the "right thing" with him. I told him the information of OMs visit to my parents home, just to give him the info, so my husband could tell that I am 'TRUSTING" him.

I think that the OM just wants some sort of connection with me. He knows that I will not contact him again. I was very clear Last time I talked with him.

Yes, it might not be the right thing for OM to do that, but I think he is might be a bit desperate.
I think that my husband writing an e-mail to him (he just did) will show OM that my husband fears him. Is going to give him new strenght to try contact .
I think the right way would had been just ignoring completely was he is doing, until he eventually gets the point that everything is finished with him and I.

I have done everything "by the book" to try to save my marriage. I cut all contact,I am doing everything that needs to be done with my husband.
IWhy should I involve my children? Why do I have to expose myself to the world if everything is finished with OM and I??? I think it is very poor advise to tell my husband that I am not doing the right thing by not telling my children,my parents,the world!!!

Yes, I did the "betrayal" but thats finished with and I am trying to mend my ways. I am doing EVERYTHING possible to recover my marriage and the trust of my husband.

Just because I get angry because my husband sends e-mails to OM, does not mean I am protecting OM. I am protecting my husband, my kids and myself from further shame and pain.
If thats too hard to understand by all of you, then too bad. But thats how I feel.
A big mistake from my husband to open communication with OM. To let OM think that my husband sees him as a threat still. Complete indifference works much better sometimes, that getting all bend out of shape for a simple visit.


Myrta

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

Myrta,

I agree with you, Stanley really should have NOT contacted OM. If contact was to be made a lawyer would have been my choice.

I do hope that OM can be dealt with before your children and family find out. It serves little purpose for them to know, but I will repeat if they do find out Myrta and Stanley you have a lot to be proud of. Please remember that. Your children would survive this knowledge and given the efforts you two have made, they will respect BOTH of you. For your sake I hope it does not come to that.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
KAYLAANDY-JL-WORTHATRY-COCAH3530-MSCHLUTER---
I think that the OM just wants some sort of connection with me. He knows that I will not contact him again. I was very clear Last time I talked with him.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and his disregard of your wishes means he doesn't believe you, or he believes he has some sort of power over you (which he does by nature that you have a secret that you'd rather your family not know)...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Yes, it might not be the right thing for OM to do that, but I think he is might be a bit desperate.
I think that my husband writing an e-mail to him (he just did) will show OM that my husband fears him. Is going to give him new strenght to try contact . .... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">probably right straight. Your husband IS insecure. Nothing is going to change that, ESPECIALLY a creep stalking your children and your family to get YOUR attention. There is nothing ennobling about this man's actions. Nothing rational or "pitiable" either. He is disrupting your recovery and becoming a centerpiece of your marriage again, even with no contact. You need to step up to the plate and not ask Stanley to ignore this. Stanley must have some power over his life if he is to recover a sense of security.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I think the right way would had been just ignoring completely was he is doing, until he eventually gets the point that everything is finished with him and I..... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and are you prepared that he will go further to get your attention, especially if ignored? Are you prepared that even with the best of your intentions to shut this man out of your attention, he will get bolder and bolder until your secret is outed anyway, against your will, even to your children in the most demeaning way possible? I can almost promise you with full certainty that this will happen, given the psychology of the stalker in him to be so brazen as to contact your CHILDREN!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have done everything "by the book" to try to save my marriage. I cut all contact,I am doing everything that needs to be done with my husband....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have. No quarrel with you there. And if OM had been even remotely honorable, that would have been the end of it and you could have gotten on with your lives.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Why should I involve my children? Why do I have to expose myself to the world if everything is finished with OM and I??? I think it is very poor advise to tell my husband that I am not doing the right thing by not telling my children,my parents,the world!!!...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you put words in my mouth. I am talking about a controlled burn here, before lightening strikes and burns your whole world to the ground. BIG, HUGE DIFFERENCE!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I did the "betrayal" but thats finished with and I am trying to mend my ways. I am doing EVERYTHING possible to recover my marriage and the trust of my husband.

Just because I get angry because my husband sends e-mails to OM, does not mean I am protecting OM. I am protecting my husband, my kids and myself from further shame and pain. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please read what I wrote without the defensiveness, Myrta. There is an element to protecting yourself from pain, certainly, but I'm also aware that your parents and your children would suffer needlessly. That's why I'm suggesting, RATHER STRONGLY, I might add, to neutralize how this man contaminates your world with his version of "the truth". </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
If thats too hard to understand by all of you, then too bad. But thats how I feel.
A big mistake from my husband to open communication with OM. To let OM think that my husband sees him as a threat still. Complete indifference works much better sometimes, that getting all bend out of shape for a simple visit.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta, it's not a simple visit. And you know it. No matter how you rationalize it, contacting your daughters, and your parents on separate occasions count for a minimum of two events. And if Stanley, being insecure through his recovery process with you being still recently begun, reacted with any kind of contact, then OM already knows he got to you and will persist. Too late. You must take pre-emptive action now.

Myrta,
I have never read such complete drivel in my life as I you have just read in your last post. This is pure sophistry! Nothing more then a self-serving evasive response to avoid having to stand up for your marriage and husband you claim to love.

Because you don’t have the strength of character to clean up the mess that you made, it’s fine by your standards to sentence your husband to having sit back and accepts the further and blatant disrespect of your loving OM! And while you allow this pimp to spit in your husbands face you write here about how foolish your husband is to not just ignore it all and just continue to accept the abuse.

So let me understand your point please. It’s fine with you if this low life continues to act out toward your husband while finding new and better ways to humiliate him, just as long as you get to save your own phony reputation?
Coach