A quick question:

So OMW is comfortable and OK with her H getting so close and "friendly" with the family of the woman he had the A with??
[And ONLY After the A is supposedly Over?]

Tell me that since you've told her of what's going on she's NOT accepting this as all right.


I'm surprised that any BS would tolerate the WS being all close and "chummy" with the OP family.
Guess it takes all kinds.

[If there is NO W, then this would explain this not being an issue].
Thanks

NUTCASE3--So, you think that because I had the affair, I will the only embarrass one??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> OK.......If you say so. Everytime we hear of someone having the affair, I always question in my mind, "why did that person had the affair?" I also say to myself,"wow, she had an affair?or he had an affair"?, But I think that both people involved in the marriage would be embarrass equally, wheter one is the saint one and the other isn't!!! Yes, I dont want to be embarrass, but I mostly dont want Stanley to be look any different that he had in the past.

As far as my kids go, I have a 12 year old child still, one is 20, 24-26-28. He IMs the 20 year old, because she asked HIM for help with some project at her college and he helped her. She asked him for help again, and thats when he started to IM her. This daughter gave OM the screename of my 26 year old daughter and he invited both of them to a chat room. I dont underestimate them at all, but they have no clue of anything going on with OM and myself, ever!!!Like my husband says OM is not an attractive man, and my daughters will never suspect of us being together.
As far as my mother goes, you know OM? Do you know for a fact that he will expose me to her? Give me a break!!

I dont have any "ppor me" trip. I dont feel sorry for myself at all!! I feel bad and sorry for what I did to my husband and I want to spare him of any further damage by exposing this crap to the world!!!
A woman having an affair is look differently than a man having in it. My kids image and world will completely crumble and destroy them. Why do I have to make my kids suffer even if they are grown? Whats the sick purpose of this? To please you and others here? Dont think so!!
This is my life and I will do exposure if I see it fit to do so.

Thank you.

Myrta

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> [If there is NO W, then this would explain this not being an issue].
Thanks
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM left his wife for an OW three years ago. Was still seing this other OW while dating Myrta.

This other OW called my home to check up on Myrta after she found our home number in the cell phone memory of OM. This caused Myrta to go into permanent NC about four months ago.

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: Stan-ley ]</small>

Myrta, we have not exposed to my parents or kids, so I do understand your feelings. If your parents are in ill health, all the more reason for you to be careful.

But I am reminded of a similar situation a friend of mine was in. Her widowed mother was also in very frail health and my friend, unmarried at the time, feared that revealing she had become pregnant by her boyfriend would put her mother over the edge and possibly bring on her death.

Obviously, you can't hide a pregnancy forever, so my friend sat her mom down and gave her the news. Know what her mom said?

"You aren't the first and you won't be the last. So are you getting married, or what?"

My friend could not believe her ears. Her mother did NONE of the things she was so sure she would. She did NOT fall apart, have a heart attack, or disown her. Perhaps your mom might take the news better, too, especially since it is all in the past now (except for the OM stalking them).

It's a hard spot to be in. My thoughts are with you. I hope that if you take the "ignore the control freak until he goes away" route that you will carefully monitor his stalking of your family.

~ Snow

Myrta,

Question..feel free to disregard of course..but I am curious. Is english your first language?

Next, to answer your question.

"What is wrong with people like me"

Being myself..I feel qualified to answer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's about power. Your OM..whatever his intentions may be, is taking an aggressive stance. If this were chess..he'd be calling check right now. Your mission, which you have both rejected, is to cut him off at the knees and remove any and all potential for damage. To close the doors firmly that he has wormed his way into.

Truth is a POWERFULL tool. There is no way on this planet that I would allow myself to be in so compromising a position just to save face. If you remove his ability to hold the truth over your head..if you remove the deceit from the situation and just face it..if you remove any and all charm and sway he may have on your family members [telling them that he has had an affair with you would be outstanding in that capacity]..if you choose to bolster your relationship with your H and protect HIM for a change and show HIM a little mercy..

Then you would be suprised how many things fall naturally into place.

Instead though..you insist on superimposing your own sense of guilt onto the words of any person whose position conflicts with yours..makes you feel insecure, makes you feel judgement where there was none offered particularly. Until you conquer this..I really don't know how much help I can offer you. I don't believe in hiding. It has never worked for me, maybe that makes me the wrong person to advise you. I see that the two of you have made a choice, I respect your right to do so..it might even work. I personally would NOT be able to live in fear of the other shoe dropping..I would not be able to live with the disrespect. I am not you.

Until YOU are able to separate your affair from your person..it seems likely that you will just continue to assume that everyone else does too.

Until you are able to validate your worth for yourself rather than allow others to paint a portrait of you that you must appear to measure up to or be lost..then you are lost indeed from where I am standing. I'm sorry that you have so many personal hurdles to overcome and so much to lose. The cards have been dealt..play them at will and live with the consequences.

Good luck to you both

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> Exposure equals Dignity? Dignity to whom??
My husband and I are going to be seen by people in a completely different light. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ooooh boy!

I understand that you do not want other people to know and think less of you and as a couple....

but

that statement just comes off as whiny. Did you not think of this BEFORE the A????

take responsibility for your actions and realize that you put your H and yourself in this predicament.

Your main concern should be about protecting your H and your M, not covering your *ss with your parents, children or friends. It's called consequences.

That being said, if you did not have a crack job OM in the picture, I would tell you not to disclose to family/friends. But as it stands now, your OM is most likely going to out you. And it will be better coming from you than from him.

albw

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong> OR, BUY A PLAN TICKET AND KICK HIS A**, There is no way I would tolerate that kind of crap from any OM...


My kids do not need to be harrased, so I would serve him with a hot plate of size 9 boot </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Schluter...I mean Michael <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ....I am sitting here shivering from a 102 fever, "high" on codeine syrup and trying very hard not to speak or laugh as to cause me a severe coughing spell that will rattle my lungs with pain. Your post to this horrifying thread made me laugh. Thanks for the coughing spell and pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

To the OP, the advice you recieved from Coach3350 on the 1st page of this thread is 100% DEAD ON.

LM (aka sourmale)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by coach3530:
<strong> Myrta,
I have never read such complete drivel in my life as I you have just read in your last post. This is pure sophistry! Nothing more then a self-serving evasive response to avoid having to stand up for your marriage and husband you claim to love.

Because you don’t have the strength of character to clean up the mess that you made, it’s fine by your standards to sentence your husband to having sit back and accepts the further and blatant disrespect of your loving OM! And while you allow this pimp to spit in your husbands face you write here about how foolish your husband is to not just ignore it all and just continue to accept the abuse.

So let me understand your point please. It’s fine with you if this low life continues to act out toward your husband while finding new and better ways to humiliate him, just as long as you get to save your own phony reputation?
Coach </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow coach, I wish I had your gift of the written word. It seems harsh on the surface, but I would be lying if I said I disagreed. I will leave it at that.

LM (aks sourmale)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Daisy37:
<strong> If I put myself in the shoes of Stanley and Myrta`s family I would be LIVID to find out that they "allowed' this weirdo to infiltrate the family as he has. I would be furious and disappointed that they did not look out for my safety and warn me.

I would be much more upset about this aspect of the scenario than I would be about a family member having an A. An A is a personal matter but this has gone beyond that...this wacko could be a threat to the wellbeing of family members. They have a right to know about the situation so they can protect themselves.

This man`s behaviour is not normal and I am astounded that the safety of all the family members is not top priority here.

People can and do forgive A`s all the time...however I am not sure that harm that was caused to a family member because someone was worried about their reputation could ever be forgiven. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since no one commented on this excellent point made by Ms. Daisy .... I wanted to bump it back so her comments would not be missed.

If I imagine myself in the adult daughter's position ... becoming friendly with a man, never realizing he is a OM who disrespected my parents' marriage and is now worming his way into the family using sneaky methods.... I would be FURIOUS at MY parents for allowing (by default) the OM to use me as a pawn !!!

FAMILY SAFETY FIRST ! .... your girls especially need to be warned that this man is no "friend" ... and that he has a non-family-friendly agenda.

Any thoughts about this Stan or Myrta???

Pep

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepper:

Myrta affirms that the OM is not dangerous. She knew OM quite well for two years so perhaps she knows something I don’t know. However, he has actively befriended the family after permanent NC four months ago.

Myrta introduced OM to my mother in law and daughters when she flew back home to see OM and her mom. The idea was that he was an old friend from school. My daughters had dinner with OM and had no idea OM was romantically involved with Myrta. OM befriended my daughter and offered his help to do homework from school. My daughter had no clue that this man was my wife’s OM.

My mother in law and daughters do not suspect anything because OM is a mismatch to my wife in terms of looks. They cannot imagine a romantic connection despite all the available clues.

I can only go by what Myrta tells me. She assures me OM is not a violent person and that HE WILL NOT HARM the family. However, daughters felt it was odd that OM IMd them twice and then did not speak. The Xmas visit is a first as well as the delivery of a birthday present for my wife months earlier. As I said mother in law does not have a clue because OM is viewed as someone who is not in the same category as my wife in looks--------------------- Sorry if this sounds vain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can only go by what Myrta tells me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this good enough for you? You're willing to bet your family's safety on this?

You could hire a PI to investigate him for any prior restraining orders, criminal past... etc.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can only go by what Myrta tells me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this good enough for you? You're willing to bet your family's safety on this?

You could hire a PI to investigate him for any prior restraining orders, criminal past... etc.

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stan, my man:

YOu are in some "fog" yourself over all of this. Only a Foggy BS would do what you did trying to appeal to this OM's sense of honesty and integrity. You deserve a nice sized 2 X 4 for this, but I suspect you already know this.

I feel that this will eventually all come out, and when it does you and your wife will have lost the "control" to let your family know on your terms. You will be on the defensive and in "damage" control. I think you and Myrta are a little in denial that your children (adults really) don't have a clue what is going on or has happened. They probably do.

If I was the Other Man here, you are damn right that I would (or threaten) to expose everything to others, in hoping that it would do everything that it is ALREADY doing to your marriage.

Unfortunately for you, your sending this OM an email, has probably accelerated your need to disclose the affair to family. He NOW knows he has the control over everything.

LM (aka sourmale)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this good enough for you? You're willing to bet your family's safety on this?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hiring a PI may be a good idea. However, Myrta and I hoped OM would fade into obscurity if we ignored him. Myrta is quite certain OM is not a wacko, but she only knew him thru the internet and during their encounters. Otherwise, we really know nothing about this man. He appears have a part time position with the police department, so that may be a good sign. Myrta saw his photo in uniform when she went to his apartment. So I assume this to be true--------------- However, cops can be as evil as any other citizen.

The other OW---- the one that caused OM to leave his marriage told my wife that OM had caused the breakup of a couple in the past by doing some sort of stalking or words to that effect. Several months ago I wanted to get in touch with the soon to be xw of OM, but Myrta was not in agreement. I am sure the soonTBXW has some useful info.

BTW, many posters seem to imply Myrta is a bad FWW. To be honest she has been great! IN fact, compared tom other FWWs she ranks quite high in her willingness to make the marriage work.

Her view of OM is colored by her affair and I can understand that. Regarding the safety of her parents Myrta seems to be 100% sure OM will not cause harm. I hope she is right!

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: Stan-ley ]</small>

Marta, i agree with people that say it is up to you and Stanley on exposing the affair to family members, my affair came to a instant halt on d-day also, my affair was abusive therefore i exposed to my whole family right away, even my children, it was the hardest thing i think i have ever went thru, like you i was looked upon as the perfect wife and mother,i have 1 son and 2 daughters, my daughters were crushed but my son was just plain mad and wanted nothing to do with me, you see he was betrayed twice, once by me and also by the om, he ended up working with him not knowing anything about us and he actually liked the guy, man when i think about it i'm disgusted with myself all over again!!! This all came out almost four years ago,our marriage is healed and better than ever! what i want to tell you is i never thought my son would forgive me and be a part of my life again, but he is! we are very close again (thank-you Jesus)yes it did take time, i was paitent and left him alone to decide what his feelings were about me, i think he saw my deep remorse for the hurt i caused his father and our family, and also knew what kind of mother i had always been, i hate that everyone knows what i did but i think i might hate the fear of it one day coming out without me saying anything more. i totally understand you not wanting the whole town to know your business, i feel the same way and thats something i still deal with, (i'm from a small town)whatever you decide please know that if you ever want to talk about your feelings i'm defintly here. god bless you and your family. PS my husband and i also had the problems with sf as you and yours for a while after dd, it was the pitts!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are in some "fog" yourself over all of this. Only a Foggy BS would do what you did trying to appeal to this OM's sense of honesty and integrity. You deserve a nice sized 2 X 4 for this, but I suspect you already know this.

If I was the Other Man here, you are damn right that I would (or threaten) to expose everything to others, in hoping that it would do everything that it is ALREADY doing to your marriage.

Unfortunately for you, your sending this OM an email, has probably accelerated your need to disclose the affair to family. He NOW knows he has the control over everything.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LM, I have been in the BS fog for a looooooooooooooong time. I don't seem to make good decisions regarding this mess. Now I know that expecting the OM to have one molecule of integrity in his body was very naive from my part, but in the end we tend to judge others from our perspective. I just cannot imagine myself doing what OM does, so I thought he would have some honesty left in his system. But, who knows? Maybe the OM will see then light!

I know realize that this OM has not shown remorse at all. I have known of some OP who actually feel sorry. Some even write letters of apology. I just don’t picture this guy doing this--------------- my mistake!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Myrta is quite certain OM is not a wacko, but she only knew him thru the internet and during their encounters.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Then explain stalking behavior ????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He appears have a part time position with the police department, so that may be a good sign.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not necessarily. So far, he has shown very poor character and a willingness to stalk.

Pep

NOODLE-English is my second language, letting you know since you are so interested.

The power to the OM was given bymy husband when he wrote the e-mail to him. When he started this thread here, magnifying all his actions. Everything that my husband is saying is exagerated to the max.

ALITTLEBIT WISER--No, I did not think of any of that while in the affair, otherwise I would not be in this position right now. Nobody thinks about anything while the affair is going on. But now, I see what a grave mistake I made. But I am not going to make an even bigger one, by telling the world of an affair that ended seven months ago. Thats just plain stupid.
The OM, is not stalking my family, just because he went to my parents once and brought them some coffee, does not mean is about to "OUT" me.

Everyone here is just too drastic in their advise. There are just a few here that make any sense, and you are not one of them!!!

LEMONMAN--YOu are the least of the people to advise, because you are just like your name "bitter" to the core. Let some time pass, so you dont have so much anger and resentment when you advise anyone here.

MYRTA

This entire thread would be more then a little amusing if the issue under discussion weren’t so serious. So in the spirit of good intentions and in my best Socratic effort, I will once again enter into this debate with a few well-chosen comments. Weather they will be welcomed by Myrta, Ms. Buttercup or anyone else for that matter, I don’t know and I’m beginning to really not care! LMAO. So….

1. Myrta, when I said that your response to the issues at hand was pure sophistry I apparently understated the case! The most simple and basic course in the philosophy of ethics would illuminate the faults in your thought process by the end of page one! This should be a totally non-debatable issue, but not here at MB! LOL Here at MB we seem to have this facility for taking the obvious and turning it into 15 pages of debate! To demonstrate this point, by the way, I’m going to write a post tomorrow vociferously and maliciously maligning Cancer! Then I will anxiously await with bated breath, the sure to be posted, next 15 pages of apologies, written by well meaning members in defense of Cancer! And if you think I’m kidding wait and see!

2. The fact is Myrta, that even though you choose to insist that black is white it won’t make it so. But that’s not what I really find troubling. What’s troubling me is that I’m getting the impression that you couldn’t care less about the issue being deliberated here. What seems to really be important to you is winning the argument! So OK, Myrta, you win! I’m wrong and you’re right!

3. It is very sad to me that so many well intentioned board contributors willingly, (in the name of civility and fairness I suppose); seek to support Myrta by finding complicated motives with which to imbue her approach to this issue. But why would I be surprised? These are the same people I guess, who are always making excuses for the behavior of spoiled willful children I’ve had to endure this Christmas; which by the way, in my humble opinion, leads to a world filled with spoiled, willful adults! (And they all seem to post here at MB! LMAO)

4. So Myrta in that you’ve decided to punish us if we don’t back off, by first “fessing up” and to satisfy we nasty demanding gadflies (or to paraphrase you Myrta, we wreckers of healthy relationships and marriages who wreak havoc by having the temerity to disagree with you ever, about anything LOL) and then dissolving your marriage to Stanley! Which, I guess, is intended to show us all how wrong we are to have “forced you” to meet your unpalatable responsibilities. Is this a fare characterization of the situation Myrta? Because if it is, then may I respectfully suggest that you don’t need to go to all that trouble! My God why dissolve a marriage when all you need is to use your tried and true method of dealing with adversity! Just lie down on the floor, kick you feet and hold your breath till you turn blue! Then we will all apologize and go away!

Happy new year Myrta and everybody else. I really do care about you all and wish you all the best possible new year ever!

Coach

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
<strong> LEMONMAN--YOu are the least of the people to advise, because you are just like your name "bitter" to the core. Let some time pass, so you dont have so much anger and resentment when you advise anyone here.

MYRTA </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL (and this is by no means funny), that is OK Myrta, you can "let me have it". I am a big boy and I can handle it. Can you??????

I am sure that this is all pretty tough for you now, so while you may think I am "bitter to the core", I am not really...just on the surface <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

I think your character and "true committment" to your marriage is gonna be tested here BIG TIME, I am sure that you are up to the task woman. I have faith in you. Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM (aka sourmale) --> not bitter to the core, just on the surface.

LEMONMAN- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Hmm, sorry If I was a bit harsh to you. Did notmean to. Yeah, you are right, I am being tested here big time. Yes, I am up to the task, but is my husband up to it???

COACH3530-Why would I do what you think is right, but I dont agree with it? Do you do that in your life? Do you do what others tell you to do, even if you completely disagree with the idea? Because if you do, then you are one of a kind!!
Usually "normal people" like to do what they think is the right thing.
Of course I might be wrong, but it will my decision, I will pay the consecuences if it comes to that.
Do you realize that I told this information to my husband because I wanted to tell him everything?
He did not have to know about the OM visiting my parents? My parents were not going to call him to tell him. And by doing this (tell my husband) I am shred to pieces by everyone here!!! Listen, the affair ended a long time ago. What the OM does is his doing, not mine. My husband is blowing this out of proportion here. He loves the drama, it gives him adrenaline,energy to live. The OM ,I am completely sure of it, will not tell anything to my parents or my kids. My husband is the one that is falling into his trap, not me.
Happy New Year to you too!! Cannot wait to see your "thread" in Cancer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Myrta