Dalton

I am sooooo glad you are here. Thanks to Ktulu I found you over here on GQ. God bless K.

Hey, haven't had time to read all of the replies. I did read where you questioned how could anyone feel this way or felt this way and still be here. Well, I tell you the answer is way too simple. This suicidal feeling doesn't last forever. It can pass.

Hey I have been suicidal more than once. I even know how I would do it if it came down to it. At 12 I took 2 bottles of aspirin in a pitiful suicide attempt. That just made me dizzy and really really sick to the stomach for about two days.

At 20 I took a bunch of pills again. Can't remember now what they were but they weren't enough and again I just got really really sick.

So when I was 30 and going through my divorce while my first husband seemingly was happy as a clam with the ow, I researched it again. I found out exactly how many pills of what kind it would take to kill me. I wasn't going to miss it again.

It's funny the only thing probably kept me alive that year was the fact I was pregnant and felt a duty to stay alive long enough to give birth. I had a plan to get my kids to their dad's even. Or if he couldn't take them I was going to drive them to their grandparent's in California.

I have to tell you when I finally made the decision and even started giving my more prized possesions away, a calm came over me. Relief came.

But that wasn't going to be the end of my story. My ex beat me to it and told the ow "this one's for you babe" and put the pistol in his mouth and that quick he was gone. God, makes me sad thinking about it right now. I loved him for so long and boom that was it.

Death is final. There is no hope with death. No hope to get along as ex's. No hope to co-parent together. Nothing.

I do understand how you feel. I want you to know that I am grateful that I didn't die back then. I am happy now. I never thought I would say that. But it is true Dalton. Even on my bad days when I picture my husband in bed with the ow, I am still grateful that I stuck around.

Stay with us awhile and see how things really do get better. See that there really is a next chapter and it will be better than the last.

And remember that those thoughts you are having that feel like your own are really that evil gremlin sitting on your back trying to destroy you. That isn't you. It really isn't.

I can't believe I shared so much about me and my own walks with my own depressed gremlin that tried to kill me too. Tell that damn gremlin of yours to shut the hell up. We care about you.

Giant hugs

Tiggy

When I was in the 8th grade, my best friend's mother hung herself. Her mother had a brain tumor and I believe the prognosis was terminal.

Even with that information, my friend always blamed herself. This was over 20 years ago and I am still very good friend's with this girl. And you know what? She is still so traumatized by the event that she has NEVER EVER spoken about her mother since it first happened. She feels responsible and no amount of "intellectual" analysis of it all will take that from her.

If you could've seen her as she followed her mother's casket out of the church that day. If you could've heard her helpless whimpers and heartbreaking sobbing. Any time I have ever thought of this path for myself, all I have to do is remember my friend on that day and look at the turmoil she is still in, more than 20 years later.

DD, you need to be here for your kids. Their mother cannot be there for them the way she needs to be so *you* have to do it. Instead you are considering causing them only more pain and suffering. You are their protector!! Let them be *your* lighthouse right now, even if they don't know it. Then you can repay them by being their rock...their safe place.

don't let your kids become my friend. Her life is a mess. She is still overwhelmed with guilt even though intellectually she might be able to understand what happened. Her heart does NOT understand and will NEVER understand and she carries this burden on her shoulders. Don't let your kids be following your casket out of church the way my friend had to.

Dalton dad,-
you still there? i can't sleep either, talk to me. did i read that you are in new york? it is late there, i am in the boring midwest.[kansas] let meknow if you are still up.
hang in there, things will get better!

arjdad

DD, I just saw this thread, but have been wondering how you are. I posted on another one of your threads several days ago.

I'm sure many people have already said what I am going to say. First off, you are not alone. Look at all of us who are reaching out to you because your life matters to us. Don't for one minute think if you choose suidide your children will be better off. Suicide runs in families. And as stillwed said you are setting them up for a life of therapy.

Many people on here, including me, have mentioned to you over and over to get on an AD. I told you recently that depression is very treatable. You are in a major depressive episode, which means you need help right away. With the proper help you can get out of this hole you are in. You know what, suicide is permanent. If you love your children do you think you can hold off on suicide for maybe a month while you do everything you can do to see if your depression will lift? I guarantee you it will lift with an AD and therapy.

We care about you! Your children need you! They are children. Please don't guilt them for the rest of their lives. I don't know how old your kids are, but at different stages they will prefer one parent over another. I have teens now and I can tell you they have said things to me that if I didn't have thick skin would cause me to feel very bad. However, I take it all with a grain of salt. Your children do love you.

Now c'mon! Get your SH** together and take that 1st step to get help. Even if it is just calling a friend and being with that friend. And stop drinking! Drinking will make you more depressed. Check in with us. We are your friends and we need to hear from you. You can and will get through this! I'm praying for you DD. CV

CV

You are awesome!! Just had to say that. You are right on with what you say.

Just wanted to post thes links here. I posted them on the other thread OT suicide. But wanted to include them here for Dalton and anyone else upset by this suicidal stuff.

Here's the links for info on suicide, prevention and suicide survivors.
Tiggy

Friends for survival
http://www.friendsforsurvival.org/
Survivors of suicide, san diego
http://www.sossd.org/
American Association of Suicidology
http://www.suicidology.org/
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
http://www.afsp.org/
Suicide Prevention Advocacy Network
http://www.spanusa.org/
Suicide Awaremess/voices of education
http://www.save.org/
The Compassionate Friends
http://www.compassionatefriends.org
Crisis, Grief and Healing
http://www.webhealing.com/honor.html.
Suicide Survivor's Handbook
http://www.intertain.com/store/ssurv.html
Suicide Frequently asked questions
http:www.lib.ox.ac.uk/internet/news/faq/archive/suicide.info/html
Sascha L.A.R.G.O.
http://www.geocities.com/HeartlandHills/9869
http://www.1000deaths.com

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: Tiggy ]</small>

DD,

You have to some how find some strength to get past this hurt. The hurt is not the end of your life but only the beginning of a new life.

Don't let the WS win. The way you win is by having a great and fufilling life, not ending your life. You just have to get past this...

I pray to you... Call someone now and get some help.

There is so much more life to live!

Miker

Is it raining or snowing in New York?

Found this joke thought you'd enjoy it, hats on to any blondes out there, yikes are ya a blonde DD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"
The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

DD... stay.

That samurai stuff is fake macho horses**t.

GC

Dalton Dad,

PLEASE call 1-800-SUICIDE ..........

Get help now!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong>Ms. Warwick would be Deeone (which I can't spell) Warwick of the psycic (can't spell psycic either) friends hotline.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For some reason, I just kept reading 'sidekick'...

Sidekick Friends hotline... lol...

I can just see it...

**drrring drrring...*

-"Hello, Sidekick Friends Hotline. This is Betty, how can I help you?"

-"Hi, it' Robin. Batman's being such a jerk lately..."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong>However, the point is....and will be... a man must know his limitations.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HA! Limitations were made to be broken. If there's one thing I've learned over the past hellish year, it's that I'm WAY stronger than I ever thought. Each time I reached the point where I felt that I just couldn't go on, I took that next step anyways....

In spite of my fears...

In spite of my total and complete despair...

In spite of the fact that I could see absolutely no outcome from this horror that I could live with, I kept going.

It was pretty close a couple of times. I don't want to go into details cause that'll just upset everyone... but the point is everytime I'd just about decide, my thoughts would return to my son and how no matter what, I owed him. And to deprive him of his Father in such a way was the most unpardonable evil act I could imagine.

So I gritted my teeth and made decisions to take a little control of my own situation. It sure didn't make things any easier, but it made them easier to bear... if that makes any sense.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong>"I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze
than it should be stifled by dry rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor,
every atom of me in magnificent glow,
than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The proper function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them............"</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nice poem, but it doesn't mention anything about being there to encourage your child through college, or being there when they get married, have their first child, etc... stuff that's not quite glorious or brilliant, but it's pretty profound stuff nonetheless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong>I'm too hurt to continue my life. So why try.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">'Cause that's a man's function in life. To Live. You are not happy with your existance right now. Why not change the nature of your existance to one that's more appealling rather than end it altogether? I know that's a tough question to answer right now... but can you accept that your view on this matter might change?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong>I've spent the past 4 or 5 months trying to get over this. I feel no better than day one.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then, m'man... all I can say is that clearly you need a new plan. I'd encourage a more positive, self-healing type of plan than th'ol suicide thing. For one thing the first one is a bit more flexible you can kind of adapt it as you go alone... for another, though it may be tough at first, there's usually a happier ending.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong>you figure it out.

I can't

I can't see any reason to.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I can't say as I've figure it out just yet...

But I will. Cause I refuse to quit.

And when I do, I'll either get my Wife back, or move on. Either way, I'll be better off. Wiser, stonger... er... wiser.

And plus, when I figure it out... I'm going to write a book about it and make a million bucks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That reason enough for ya? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Seriously, hang in there dude.

By the way... what are your thoughts on God?

John

John,

A question before I drag my hind parts to bed. Do you think my post could upset people? I don't think I have talked to you before but just read your post and really don't want to cause others upset. And maybe I should edit? Wanting to know what you think.

Thanks,

Tiggy

Naw... you might be surprised that most folks around here have developed pretty thick skin... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My W posts here and I don't think she'd ever want to read those kinds of details. [wry grin]

G'night.

And to you too, Dalton Dad.

Remember: All things pass.

The odd thing is I first heard that in a movie I was watching with my kids.

John

Mornin' Dalton.

I can identify with your kid's apparently having more affection for their Mom. It's a normal kid thing.

But here's another reason for it in my case and maybe yours:

Note: my only surviving child prefers to spend most of his time with the aliens - now married - although we started out with 50/50 custody.

My son prefers to spend more time with his Mom because he knows that she needs him. He knows that I am more grounded and stable and can handle the separation from him, although it discomforts me. If he reversed the scenario, she'd probably go stark raving insane - OK, more stark raving insane - because she'd have to wonder why. Poor kid is trapped.

Ever hear this Mark Twain story:

He said or wrote, "When I was 17 I couldn't believe how ignorant my father was. Then when I was 24, I was amazed at how much he had learned in seven years."

Let us know how you're doing.

i am still here, but feel ashamed. I feel small.

I did call and talk to a woman last night....or was it this morning. I should have used my cell phone to call....she traced my call AGAIN! Was going to call the police if I didn't promise to live.
You know. I hate this. I hate the pain my wife caused. Hell, this stuff happens...she doesn't even know. what the heck?
She gets what she wants...no waves. And me? I feel like I lived through what killed 70000 people.
You see why I feel so small. All those people died. I'm sure most all of them wonderful people, better than me. All more deserving of life than me.
None dealing with these petty problems.

Yes I am small. I will always be small.

The big people are those of you who care about me.

Thank you.
I honestly wish you didn't. it causes more pain. People around here going through what we do. And one stupid guy....he wants to kick and scream and cry. and Die. yes it still hurts that bad.

No for now.. it's okay. But what is next? The same thing. I won the battle....but I feel like I'm losing the war.
I am being worn down. Erroded. There is only going to be a shell left.
We are all more than that.

We all were more than that till these WS did see that they were loved.

That is what hurts me so bad. She still doesn't see.
I can't bring myself to give up on her. But, I feel all my love and emotions for her are lost.
She gets a bit of them...then...discards all the rest.
I look in her eyes and tell her I love her...she rolls her eyes.
THAT HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING....

again....thank you...and I am so sorry.

I really do need to stop posting here. While it may help me....it certianly doesn't help any of you who are having positive results daily.
I don't wish to hurt any of you wonderful people any further. I am so sorry.

d

OK DD, time to start a new thread for you. Let's get a NEW plan for you. Are you ready? Ok, I will start it for you here on GQ2. Read the responses you get from these wonderful people who care about you and have been there. Let's get DD well so he can be a dad to his kids. Okay?

DD,
Please take a minute to read this.
My very best friend in the world had this same thing happen to him several years back now.

No plan worked, his W, now his XW, robbed him from his dignity, his future. He is probably one of the brightest people I've ever met, confident.
ALL GONE.

He was a living nightmare when his life left. At first she wanted him to sleep on the couch while she "figured things out"... of course this translated to.... I'm going to continue my affair, and keep you on a slow burn in case it doesn't work out.

My friend was a mess. He would call me night after night, 3 AM, 4 AM, lost all kinds of weight, fell into a severe depression. It killed me to see him go through this. It was heartwrenching to see someone I admired so much, be taken down to such a terrible degree of despair.

No matter what I said, what I did...NOTHING HELPED.

TIME.

TIME BECAME HIS BEST FRIEND.

AND GUESS WHAT....

He met someone... and she is all his XW could NEVER BE. She offers him an equal, someone to care for him financially, emotionally, intellectually...BETTER than he could EVER imagine.

And guess what else... XW...well she's still playing second fiddle to OM GF. Credit is shot to hell... in debt up to her ears, has been beaten up, lost her job, and here is my very best friend in the whole world...with a brand new ticket to life.

There is HOPE in every situation.

SEE where I went with this..it's a VERY true story.... he thought he had NO LIFE left....and in the end....he ended up with the pot 'o gold.... as will you.

I Know it's hard right now...but it WILL get better... I PROMISE you that.

Dalton DAD:

Please do not apologize for needing Help.

That is the REASON almost everyone comes to this place!

Yes, different folks Need different things......but its all Help in one form or another.

NO one begrudges you being here.

And the person's taking time to try and help you are MORE then happy to do so (otherwise they would just Not Bother).

In fact, it is a Help to many posters here......to be ABLE to contribute and "give back" to others (such as yourself) who are in pain and in need.

We understand your Pain.
We understand your feeling of "hopelessness".

However, also understand that We KNOW that YOU CAN get a handle on this.

As painful as these "feelings" are......they are just that....Feelings.
They in and of themselves, cannot harm you.
So Please Do Not harm yourself.

Do yourself a favor and STAY.
At least until you are further along in your journey.

Let us help you to be strong when you feel weak......let us give you some encouragement and inspiration, when you are down.
We may even have a Useful suggestion (or two).

We are definitely NOT perfect.....but we do CARE....we will Try (to help you) ...& we Can help (on many levels) ...IF you'll just Stay and let us.

Don't go....I don't believe its in YOUR Best Interests.

But should you choose not to come back....Please get some Real Help from somewhere.
At this point in time, YOU DO need some.

Take care, be well......Stay Alive! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Remember your Choices Only end.....once your Gone.
Don't let "others" make this Last choice for you!

Hi DD. Glad you're still here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We all care, or we wouldn't be here.

Ditto what TopRope said! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong> i am still here, but feel ashamed. I feel small.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You aren't the first, and you won't be the last, to start down the path of no return. Feeling shame, while understandable, is not something you need to apologize for. Our society has taught us to be ashamed of any "weakness" or need for help. Especially true for men. THAT is what is a shame!

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I really do need to stop posting here. While it may help me....it certianly doesn't help any of you who are having positive results daily.
I don't wish to hurt any of you wonderful people any further. I am so sorry.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, how I wish I was having positive results daily. I doubt I'm alone on this board in saying my life now is about highs and lows - the lows are among the lowest, but the highs are getting stronger. What helps ME is to listen to other people and stop thinking about myself for awhile. It is also true that reaching out to others is an important tool for healing - so you may be helping "us" as much as "we" are helping you.

Thanks for sticking around. If this board can give you enough faith to keep going, then we will ALL have had a positive result today.