hmmm where to start....

Last in First out.

which goes against the grain of the primacy effect for those of you who remember your social psyc. theory.


AD and CV55: Yes I have chickens. Want to hear something not so funny?

I bought 8 chickens on d-day! Wife was "spending the night with OM at the time" Since then 4 have been killed by my dogs! Filthy curs!

Anyway. I get 4 fresh eggs a day. It is comforting to see the chickens scritching in the grass and dirt for bugs. I go out to see them in the morning they let me hold them. My daughters love the chickens to death (bad choice of words).

A few weeks before d-day. I bought the house I'm in now. An old farm house, in Dalton NY.... actually we were allowed to take possession of the house before closing. SInce school was getting started.
D-day was a sunday morning....closing the next day.

This house is one of the few things I really like in my life. My wife and I looked for 5 years to find a home we both liked, that had all "we" wanted. The house is huge. There is 45 acres of land.
I've got gravity fed natural spring water. Tastes better than any bottled stuff you'll ever buy.
So I want to have a "gentleman's farm" chickens(for eating and eggs), cows, pigs?? , goats??, and turkeys.
This has really been the only thing I've wanted for years. My wife also wanted this: a beautiful house in the country, a safe place to raise our children.
And we have that....

we looked at this place, and put a purchase offer in on the spot! I had to work the numbers 10 ways from next tuesday to get the down payment, the mortgage. After a whole summer of killing myself getting our old home ready to sell/sold. Moving single handedly.

I found out what she had been doing.

Now I doubt everything. This home. My life.

She and I should be planning a garden right now! looking at the landscaping. Working around the house "together".

Yet after all this, I think today with a clear head it's not worth going forward with her.
You should never have to question if your spouse loves you.
Well I do. Oh she might be comfortable with me. Safe. I'm good to her. But, I don't light her fire.
Can I? I did for years. She got bored I think. Set her expectations higher, and higher.

As for the question of taking this week to evaluate....well I am. At least I am now.
I'm trying to understand some things.
Have I set the bar for my EN's so high she'll fail?
....
there are other things I'm evaluating.

Thing is, I don't like the answers I'm getting.
Maybe that is why last night happened. I'm scared. I'm scared that no matter how much I love this woman, she isn't capable of loving me equally. She'll take what I have to give and return nothing.

That is her. I've always seen it. I've just never admitted it to myself. And a post I read today ....well I guess It made me realize I don't have to feel this way.
I love my wife. But, I think I need to stop loving her. That opened the flood gates. I wish it didn't. I wish I didn't love her so. I was a robot.
I want to call her and tell her to plan on staying at her parents. That I can't continue on.

oh did I mention Ad...I live 66 miles from work.

Yep....1 hour drive.

Working an hour away that just sucks. Sorry. Uhm I really am no expert on the plan a, b thing but maybe you could look into a plan b of sorts.

Maybe that could help you detach some from your wife to help you get a game plan to keep your life here on this plane.

You sound like you are feeling a bit better. Are you? Is today better than last night?

Tiggy

Finally got what your plan was. I am a little slow on the uptake sometimes, what can I say.

So in the car with a hose? Can you freeze that hose back up? Can you cut it into piece? Listen when I went down this path I had the pills I needed and in a moment of clarity I flushed them down the toilet. I figured that way if I really wanted to do it, I would have to wait to figure it out again and maybe the feeling would pass. I had a just a flicker of hope.

I care about what happens to you. I think you have a whole bunch of people who care about you here.

Keep checking in with us.

Wishing you a peaceful night,
Tiggy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dalton Dad:
<strong> I can't "not" go home. I've got dogs and chickens to take care of. And a grumpy old cats too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are an animal lover, then maybe you can gain comfort from your pets. Probably not the chickens, and I don't know lots about cats as companions - but dogs can be a great comfort. My 3 dogs are my "immediate family" now - I am not alone, because they know when I'm hurting and try to comfort me.

I have something I'd like to share with you. There was a man named Viktor Frankl who survived the Nazi death camps to write "Man's Search for Meaning" (and other related books). This is a powerful book - Frankl invented "logotherapy" as a branch of psychology which examines man's search for meaning as the primary motivation that keeps people going. (Yes, he said "man" but that reflects the times he grew up in).

Frankl's life in the concentration camps led him to question what enabled some people to survive (what gave them the will to live) while others gave up instead, and died. Those who had meaning outside of themselves -- family, friends, commitments and promises they had made and still wanted to honor - faired better and were more likely to survive (if I recall the details correctly.) Anyway, to read about what it took to survive in a death camp was enough to jolt me out of my funk and realize that there have been lots of people who had it / have it worse than I do, and will survive lots worse things than I will.

Despite the gruesome backdrop for Frankl's story, there is a truly uplifting message there as well. The story is really about hope - what it takes to have and keep faith and hope alive even in the worst of times. When I'm down, I sometimes think of this book and its message, and tell myself I can endure whatever it is that's going on.

DD -

Glad to see you still here. ((((((DD)))))))
I used to have chickens and grew quite attached to them. They ran around the yard, and would run to meet my car in the evening.

Hope you will realize that your wife's change has little to do with you. It is a chemical reaction in her brain. She is so "addicted" that she doesn't know or care what she is doing - just like a junky. I wish you would stick with the program here, and give her more time.

But remember - although it seems like it right now, your wife does not define you. There are plenty of available women looking for a man that will treat them good, who will be good in return.

I waited a long time for my husband to wake up. He didn't. But my life is good again. I'm excited about the future. Please give yourself a chance at joy again.

Hey tiggy...et.al

yeah the hose thing...only because of the irony.

I'm sorta nasty that way.

Sorry.

No worries tonight. I spent the past hour and a half on the phone with her. Told her everything except I almost killed myself last night.
I still get the impression SHE DOESN'T GET IT?!!!
Wish I could grab her and shake it into her.

DON'T

YOU

GET
IT
I
LOVE
YOU
!
!

She still thinks this some sort of game.

Odd thing, she is smart enough to know better.

Tiggy, I'm sort of leaning to telling her...don't come home. I don't feel that is right. 2 of the 3 kid have school within sight of the house. (yes...school is that close).
She would have to come home.

I can't work. get the kids to school....and get them when they get home.

DD,-
you still out there? glad to hear it sounds like you are doing a little better today. one day at a time.you are hearing some good ideas here, you know we care.
she doesn't get it, she can't because she is not thinking clearly. i would like to shake some sense and reality into my wife sometimes to.
somebody told me on one of my threads here one time," let her see confidence in you, not needyness". i think that is good advice.

as far as AD'S, i am on prozac and they work good for ME. not all people respond the same. please don't be afraid to try another one. once they kicked in for me, it helped alot. no shame in that.
take care of yourself and keep posting.


arjdad

DaltonDad,

Sorry, I think I read you wrong. I got the impression that you were keeping chickens to make some money off them - and just felt like you had to. If they make you happy, well, that's an altogether different thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The last time anybody in my family (a cousin) kept chickens, it was 30000 at a time (a very small chicken operation for down here). I thought you were talking about somethin' like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You do sound better, man. It's good to hear.

-AD

^bump^ How are you this morning? One day at a time, ok?

FF,

I'm okay so far. I don't need to go into work till around noon-ish.

Just sitting round the house. Had a few cups of coffee. Sorting stuff out. Or trying to.

Sort of quiet now. Stuff around me...and me inside.

Thanks for asking FF!

and for everything else.

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: Dalton Dad ]</small>

Morning DD

Nice to hear you are doing ok today.

Just remember one day at a time. If you dont feel like sorting the material things out then dont do it. It doesnt HAVE to be done now.

DD, just want you to know I'm checking in and I'm rooting for you. You will recover, whether the M works out or not. Hang tough! CV

HEEEYYY DALTLLTON <In a Goonies voice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> >

I am rootin and a tootin for you too. You are getting through this man.

I have a something to say to CV's comment about children who have survived a parent's suicide. I know that it is painful and I certainly don't want your children (dalton) to suffer what mine have.

But I will tell you, just like recovering from infidelity, children too can recover.

My girls aren't suffering a lifetime of pain. My kids miss their dad, yes. Especially at life effents--when they graduate, both are worried about who will walk them down the aisle if they marry, their accomplishments that he isn't here to see ya know. But they aren't walking around in agony all the time.

I will tell you Dalton children who survive a parent's suicide are about twice as likely to commit suicide themselves. It seems to open a taboo door for them or something. They are also more likely to divorce later in life. They are more likely to have trouble in school and with the law (especially boys). Girls are more likely to suffer from eating disorders when they enter the teen years and become pregnant in their teens. Boys are more likely to become agressive and abusive, and be arrested. They are more likely to get involved with drugs.

Those are the stats that I remember reading. There is a real hurdles for children to overcome when mom or dad dies by their own hand. It ain't easy but my kiddos have come through. Sure they have scars, but they aren't the walking wounded anymore.

Just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

Tiggy

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: Tiggy ]</small>

Thanks for staying with us DD. Glad you are keeping yourself busy. Did you find a book to lose yourself in? Are you caring for yourself? I will be around both today and tomorrow if you need someone to chat with.

I haven't had time to keep up with posts so much, but I'm still following your story...

Keep on keepin'on, m'man.

John

Tiggy,

I'm impressed with the quality information you have passed along to DD, but don't see that CV offered any information any more stark, or guilt inducing than you posted. I just wondered why the remark was even necessary, when the bottom line is helping DD.

Respectfully,
SD

I'm sorry SD and CV if I was disrespectful. I was trying to disagree respectfully. And the reason why I felt it was neccisary--maybe there are those out there who have suffered the lose of a parent from suicide. It just isn't so that they will be trapped in pain forever.

I used to feel pretty hopeless about my own life because I would hear how sad a life is for a child who has been abused--that they are ruined for life. I was abused and I didn't want to be ruined for the rest of my life. Does that make more sense what I was trying to say?

I also simply wanted to point out that you can't guilt someone out of a suicide. And hey maybe I have even done some guilting myself, we are all mere humans right.


This is the specific quote I was responding to. Probably should have included it. Sorry again.
Quote from CV--"So right now every day for you is a lifetime of pain. If you choose suicide you are sentencing your children to a lifetime of pain. "

I know CV meant well and I just don't agree. It isn't a life sentence of pain. It is a life without a father. Much different. Of course I am speaking only from my experience. For others certainly it could be different.

Okay end of thread jack. Back to making that plan Dalton.

Tiggy

I've actually had a decent day. Still at work.

I seem like I've been more productive than I've been since D-day (sept)! Pretty sad really.

But true enough.

Talk to my wife a few times on the phone. She seemed to be a bit more sensitive to my feelings.

Don't know why? Could be the first time I've let her out of my site since D-day that I haven't been calling her freaking out.
HAHA if she only knew about the other night!

I don't mean to laugh at myself. It's not funny.
But...

On the plus side.

I do feel like I can make it.
I know who can help me make it: that would be me.
I know I have support from everyone here (Thanks)
I think I know that this isn't the end of the world...even if it still feels like it.

I do worry about the next episode. I fear that.


But I am still trying.

DD -

Your days will get better and better. It doesn't seem like it will ever get better at first, but it does. Somewhere along the line after all of the pain, you realize that another person's mistake just can't take your joy away anymore.

My WH is still living with OW, and they are having all kinds of problems. Too bad. My life is good, and I don't want him back.

Stick with us and go thru the process. You will either end up with a better marriage than before, or you will be happy without her. You can't lose.