YESTERDAY SUCKED!!!!!!!!

It was one of the worst since d-day.

H goes back to work, despite my tantrum. He still kept telling me he was doing it for "us." I couldn't bring myself to give an ultimatum. Although I didn't know it at the time, I now realize my indecision was due to the fact that I REALLY needed H to be the one to make that decision. I apparently have some work to do on asking for what I need. I thought I was okay in that area. Maybe not.

Anyway, I knew he was going to have a meeting with his VP to inquire on the ramifications of resigning. I didn't know when or how long that would take and tried his work and cell phones. NO ANSWER! What happened to accountability?? And this was only the first day! I thought this highly inconsiderate.

To make matters worse...we had a session with our MC. These sessions have become increasingly uncomfortable because our MC seems to have issues with me. Personal ones. But, he seems to adore my H. In last night's session, this was blatantly obvious. He showed serious dislike of me, even with his body language--his whole body was turned towards my H. He turned his head to address me occasionally, even slightly rolling his eyes once at something I'd said. He once even said to me "You're going to play this victim role for all it's worth aren't you?". I will admit that I didn't have a lot to say last night. I was still angry with my H about not being accessible when I'd called. We had our first discussion about this in the parking lot at the MC's. I explained to the MC that it wasn't that I wasn't trying to be unccooperative in our session, but that things were kind of jumbled in my head and I was trying to sort them out and wasn't sure how I felt at that moment. He seemed annoyed by this.

He said nothing to my H about the lack of accountability issue. MC even extended the offer to my H to have "e-mail sessions" with him while he is deployed. I assume this would be free of charge. How nice that he wants to be there for him (sarcasm). It was quite touching, actually.

I'm not sure what I did wrong. I thought my anger was pretty controlled (so did H). The control was intentional because in a prior session, I felt safe to express anger and I was ATTACKED by MC for it. I no longer felt safe to do this.

The MC wrapped up our session by telling my H that "he is screwed". He then proceeded to fire us, and to tell us that he didn't think we'd made any progress (the week before he mentioned that we had), and the he didn't feel right allowing us to waste our money when he couldn't help us because of a "personality conflict."

OK, just me or does that mean he doesn't like me??? At first I examined this logically, and decided that I don't know what this guy's problem is with me. His statements and actions towards me have been odd from early on and I can't even speculate as to why. Later in the evening, I let my emotions rule and it hurt my feelings. My self-esteem has already taken a tremendous blow as a result of the A. Now, it seemed, even the MC might think I am unlikable, and drove my H to have an A because he is so wonderful and I am so obviously NOT. I did find myself wondering if I deserved it.

That was last night and the horrible end to a horrible day. Today I feel better and a little irritated at the MC's unprofessionalism.

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

As an afterthought, my H and I got a little chuckle about the fact that we seem to be spending quite a bit of time after our MC sessions discussing the MC's feelings!


WANTED: MC, male or female, for troubled but committed and hopeful couple. Focus on discussing OUR issues a must.

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

Hey Froz:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As an afterthought, my H and I got a little chuckle about the fact that we seem to be spending quite a bit of time after or MC sessions discussing the MC's feelings!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also read your post above and for what it's worth: There are MC's and IC's out there who do not have a clue. WXW went to a woman in IC who told WXW that I was "just like my husband who I'm divorcing". Needless to say IC was not too crazy about me.

I believe that you (we) should interview IC's and MC's prior to beginning counseling-sessions so that we can be sure they have the same core-beliefs that we possess. Ex: If you have strong Christian values and your counselor believes in post-modernism; you're in serious trouble! it just makes sense to do this.

I would not see the same counselor again if I were you. It sounds like Patriot agrees! (Which by the way is a good thing! Patriot is putting your well-being ahead of a professional therapist! Major deposit in love bank!) Good Luck.

FR

What exactly is an IC? DJ is another term that's meaning has eluded me.

IC = Individual Counselor (Counseling)

I'm not sure what DJ stands for either!

FR

disrespectful judgement

Hello Frozen. I am really, really sorry to meet you here.

For what it is worth, I am very new here myself, but have figured one thing out...The folks here are not here because they judge. They are here because they know what this feels like, and they want to help and be helped.

Reading your words here, I hear echoes of my own. I have no advice to give, but know that you are not alone in having these terrible doubts about someone that you love. Couple of your posts are close to verbatim of things I have said to my WW.

It gets easier with time. Better takes more effort and pain, but easier has been a relief, I think, for many of us here. A little more clarity of thought, like. More evenness of emotion.

Now, listen to Pepperband. She knows whereof she speaks, and has a knack for putting it in ways that even slow on the uptake folks like me can figure out.

Best of luck to you in your marriage and in your healing.

-OAK

Hello Frozen. I am really, really sorry to meet you here.

For what it is worth, I am very new here myself, but have figured one thing out...The folks here are not here because they judge. They are here because they know what this feels like, and they want to help and be helped.

Reading your words here, I hear echoes of my own. I have no advice to give, but know that you are not alone in having these terrible doubts about someone that you love. Couple of your posts are close to verbatim of things I have said to my WW.

It gets easier with time. Better takes more effort and pain, but easier has been a relief, I think, for many of us here. A little more clarity of thought, like. More evenness of emotion.

Now, listen to Pepperband. She knows whereof she speaks, and has a knack for putting it in ways that even slow on the uptake folks like me can figure out.

Best of luck to you in your marriage and in your healing.

-OAK

OAK,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Couple of your posts are close to verbatim of things I have said to my WW.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just curious as to what these things are. It would be nice to feel normal.

I read your initial post. I am sorry to meet you here, as well. Sometimes it's very depressing to read these forums (yet I do, every day). There is just so much pain here that it makes me very sad and I don't understand why people hurt and betray people they are supposed to love.

One thing I read may be of use to you, if you haven't already come across it. In reference to the comment you made in your initial post about trust and how to gain it...okay, I just did a quick search and couldn't find it. If someone doesn't find it and post it, I will do it when I get back home (off to MC! YEAH!). The excerpt talked about how you should NOT completely trust your spouse, even if there has never been an infidelity issue. It mentioned that trust is not only non-essential, it can actually be harmful. I find that kind of depressing, actually. While I'm glad to know that I no longer need to strive for something I think will be unachieveable for me, I sure do long for the blissful security (albeit false) of trust that I had before. I hate the way nothing seems bright or joyful and the way it feels like it will never be. I hate the way every beautiful memory I had is now tainted...like the trip to Hawaii when he proposed. That is now tainted because I now know that he was in the midst of his A. I wonder why he even asked!!! I HATE TRIGGERS!!!! I hate that MY sex life is now ruined and has become such an emotionally painful experience because my mind is filled with pictures and questions. I hate that I was so happy before and so in love and now nothing looks quite as bright and colorful. I hate that I now find myself in a position that I resent meeting his emotional needs. I enjoyed being a giver. I enjoyed trying to make him happy. I thought I did. I will never be the same person I was before. I worry that once he figures out that I'm changed forever he won't love the "new me" and he will only long for the loving, giving, happy person I used to be. I sometimes feel trapped in the fact that I now feel INCAPABLE of meeting his needs. What a paradox.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, listen to Pepperband...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I ALWAYS do!

Frozen,

I am gonna go out on a limb and say you are as "normal" as anyone could be after going through what you have. Strength of character is truly tested in these situations, it seems to me.

I am on my way to work now, will post when I get there addressing your last post.

Keep your chin up, it really does get easier with time.

-OAK

Froz!

Do NOT see the movie "Sideways" .... promise me.

It would be a HUGE trigger for you.

H and I saw it last night, because we are 9 years into recovery ... it had zilch effect on us ... but the story line is too similar to yours... and it will be painful.

Warning label applied with super glue.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Froz,

Allow me to quote you:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is just so much pain here that it makes me very sad and I don't understand why people hurt and betray people they are supposed to love.

I hate the way every beautiful memory I had is now tainted...

I enjoyed trying to make him happy. I thought I did. I will never be the same person I was before.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I had to pick and choose three of the 28,749 different emotions/feelings/whatever-the-hell-they-are going thru MY head...
well, never mind, you picked 'em for me. Pretty amazing!

I just wanted to say thanks...
and hang in there, ok? You're obviously not alone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do NOT see the movie "Sideways" .... promise me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep,

HELP!!!!!! I must be incredibly sick in the head because the first thought that popped into my mind was a strong curious desire to SEE this movie! Since I posted above that I always listen to you, I obviously have no choice but to resist this temptation. I promise! Thanks for the warning!

Froz

tqt,

I did a search in an attempt to find your "story", but to no avail. Thanks for posting to me. I'm not sure what you were thanking me for...

Froz

Dear Frozen you what you said about your WH in Idiotville -he sounds just like my Wh only age differences. He must be from the same blood line. Lies,Lies, Lies -but my WH still does not alk -information I get is small and changes from time to time. I am sick of asking and just want to be told. He is right about one things we did owe alot of money and had a hard time getting a loan. HE blamed me for eveything that went wrong -when it was niether of our faults but I see he is the type who needs someone to blame. He denied having an A and still thinks his EA is something I should just get over. He says he will go to MC but doesn't make appts. At least your WH is going to MC and did let you tell OW H. Thank-god for that. I may not stay married to the man I have loved so much. After all these years of a love and adoration -I see him for who he really is. A fog man who lies and whispers his lies through the FOG. If he sees my IC he will learn and grow and find his way out of the fog. But can you really teach and old dog new tricks -I do not know..

Angel,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At least your WH is going to MC and did let you tell OW H. Thank-god for that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am grateful for that fact. I probably would not have stayed if not for the strong efforts he has made. Keep in mind that I was not married when I found out about the A. I had not made the vows that you and others on this forum have made. The only thing keeping me with him after that was the love I had for him, not promises to God, which probably meant that he knew that it would take a lot more effort on his part. People remind me of my teenagers. They usually put forth the minimal amount of effort required to achieve their goal. Maybe if you need more, you could convey that you have set the bar higher. Of course, you would have to back that up with actions if he chose not to meet your requirements.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I may not stay married to the man I have loved so much.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that is not an easy decision to make. I hope that you weigh all the factors, while being mindful of what YOUR needs are. You sound like a very nice person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But can you really teach and old dog new tricks</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm no expert, but it would seem to me the answer to that question would be - only if he really wants to learn.

I'm very sorry you are in the position you are in. I know how truly painful it must be for you. I will remember you in my prayers.