Hello. I am new to the forum obviously(single digit post count) and I am here because my M is the most important thing to me. Frozen1229 is my W. She came here for support and this means the world to me. Why? Because it is yet another action by her(in a line of many) that supports the rebuilding of our relationship. And that gives me hope.

Who am I? I am the person responsible for destroying the trust in me that my soulmate possessed. I am accountable for my actions. I had an affair. It is a detestable statement, but it is true. I can not hide from it. That is cowardice and I will not participate in it. I have to live with what I have done. I have to live with the fact that I have put her in this same position.... to live with it. The past can not be changed, but I can not hide from it or minimalize it. I am, however, not unemotional about it. I hurt her... and that hurts me. I look at the things I did and I wish I had not done them. I had the best person on the face of the earth in my life and in love with me... and I tried to destroy it. Really sucks to look back on your past and see things that are so ugly in there. But, I am an adult and responsible for my actions.

Also, on accountability, I feel somewhat accountable to you(the reader) since I am typing this for you to read. Sure, I am cloaked in some fashion by the anonimity of the internet and that may make it easy to "wordsmith" you into believing me, but Frozen1229 is fully aware that I am here posting and I can not hide nor do I wish to hide any facet of my life from her. One of my problems has been my need to hide myself so that people would accept me. Well, she knows a very bad thing about me and still accepts me. That is powerful and a great learning tool for me. Honesty is so much more comfortable than lying. So, I feel accountable for what I am typing here because it is "in print". It can be referred to later, verbatim, and I will not be able to "wordsmith" my way out of its message. I have no intention of trying to obfuscate the meaning of this post. What I did was wrong. It is not something I want to do ever again. I have made the conscious choice to be committed to my marriage.

I have been married before. I was in the Army on active duty during the majority of that marriage. I went to Korea for a year(without her...not by choice) and when I came back, she wanted a divorce. We tried to work it out but were unsuccessful. I have suspicions that she may have cheated on me while I was gone, but I have no proof. She did get remarried quite soon after our divorce was final(2 months after the papers were signed) but still, no clear proof. During the time I was in Korea I did not have an affair. I derive this: I can be physically separated from my spouse and not cheat. A divorce was requested on my midtour(during a tour in Korea, you get to come home for vacation somewhere in the middle of it... like the 3-9 month into it area) and upon returning to Korea to finish my tour, I still did not have an affair. I was destructive in other fashions but that was not one of them.

I want her to have a support system. She can use here. That can be helpful. My sister, and 2 of my wife's friends know about the affair. The 2 friends are seen by her as not being people she can talk to now about this to try and heal. They were told about this affair because my wife needed support from anyone and she was in the crisis state of mind. They are, however, not people she wishes to continue talking to about this because she believes they are not completely capable of providing the support she needs. She has not ruled out my sister as a person to talk to, but she is my sister, and possibly biased towards me. She has not told other friends and family because she is embarrassed. I support her if she wished to tell anyone so that they can join her support system, however, friends and family can be a tough one because it is highly possible in their fundamental need to protect her, they could tell her to leave me and make me an enemy. Again, I will not hide from what I have done, but having in-laws that hate me and do not allow me to visit them with her can put an obvious strain on her. Truly, I am apprehensive about them knowing, but I must shelf that. Her needs of support are paramount to my needs of hiding my sins(and again, I will not participate in that cowardly attitude).

Now, the immediate situation. I have to go to work tomorrow. The OW works there as well. I am a computer programmer in Oklahoma and the company is around 60-70 people.. or so. Most things we read say I have to leave the job now. Period. Well... it's not that simple. It is a complex issue, actually, or I would have already made the decision. I will say right now that I appreciate my wife in that she has not posed an ultimatum to me over this. Not because I want my way(because the truth is, I am not looking forward to how uncomfortable all this is going to be), but because it is her and I participating in 2-way communication.... yet another way she shows me she considers me and accepts me. So... why do I not want to quit the job. Well, if you have read her post, you know I am in the Army reserves currently and being deployed in 2 months. That causes on problem. I have a computer science degree and I make a salary commensurate to that credential. Computer programming is a perishable skill and I am already going to be out of the loop because of the 12-18 months I will be gone. If I quit, then I have been out of the computing realm for almost 2 years, which equates to career suicide coupled with the fact the Oklahoma is not known as the IT capital of anything... so a computer job here is hard to come by. Also, by quiting when I am in the middle of a project for the company there is potential for them to "ruin" me in trying to get another job. Not a big IT market here.. and people know people. Remember, these are my reasonings... and I understand that does not make them good or bad. You will have your opinions. I welcome them. Anyway, the money. If I just quit the job, that signs us up for financial hardship for 2 months and then the Army check kicks in. Well, I have a problem with this because the children will feel this and the creditors don't care why we don't have money. They just want theirs. We are close to some finacial freedom(something she and I have been working on together for a while now) but we are not there. Yet. I am a very logical person and I try to be realistic. I see taking away my income from the family as hurting my wife AND her children. This is not a movie around here. When the guy in the movie loses his job, you never really see the hardship that causes. It doesn't make for a good story. A good story is how the guy gave up eveything to be true to his spouse. But it isn't that simple. I am a provider. It is a basic need of mine to provide. I take away my income and then I am a loser with out a job and she is covering my bills. No, you say? Truth is I would feel like that and she has had a marriage just like that before. He had no real job. She covered everything. It will be very difficult to not equate me to that guy. Resentment follows that equation and then MB is dead. "But you could have tried to get another job" It is true I didn't try hard to get a different job. She found out Nov 12th 2004. I leave for the Army deployment in March. Roughly 4 months. My logical self says that no company would hire me during the holiday season, with only 4 months to learn what they do(which the commonly accepted belief is it takes around 6 months for a programmer to learn what your organization does specifically and become productive in it) to then be forced by the Gov't to keep a job for me for 18 months and get nothing really out of paying me for 4 months. Makes no sense to me. My current job is not the evil thing here. My innappropriate relationship with a co-worker is. ok.. I am stopping this thought. I can talk more in detail with replies to this post.

the flip side. My marriage is the most important thing to me. You may think I still have feelings for this OW. I do not have feelings of joy, happiness or any other good emotion towards her. Just like I am disgusted with what I did, I am disgusted with her. I do not want to ever speak to her again. Not even to "end it" It is over to me and I have no inclination to ever discuss anything to her. By working in the same building as her, I am exposed to her possibly talking to me. That is the truth. She is in sales and I write programs for the company. The likelyhood is diminished, but still exists. Froz has given my the boundary that if I respond to OW, then she and I are over. I respect that boundary. It can be enforced and me still work there. I have no need to talk to Sales. If I do, I can talk to the VP of sales. She may have a need to ask me about software I am working on. Well, fine, then she can route those inquiries through my boss. That is what he is there for anyway. I can set that up immediately.

but alas.... the situation is still difficult. I am required to return to work tomorrow. If I resign with no notice, it possibly hurts my ability to get a job and takes away income the family expects. If I return to work it possibly hurts my ability to keep my loving wife.

I gain hope from the fact that she and I can discuss this issue without anger and deception.

I love and cherish my wife and the effort she is making for a terd like me. I have made promises before God(read:vows) and I intend to keep them. Everyday.

Thanks for listening.

What Frozen1229 has to say about this ?.
Quitting w/o other job line up is not good and make sure she is in it.

-rh-

Hi Patriot92:

First; please allow me to thank you for helping my family and I sleep at night in what you do. Now to your post.

Glad to see that you're taking responsibilty for your actions. As to your W's family & friends - I doubt that they will alter their view until they see change in you. It will take some time. Until then; you might write to them (with humility) and say what you've said here.

As to your job situation; I am one to consider alternatives. What if you went to your superiors, told them what you've done and ask if they may have an idea for guaranteed NC with OW? Perhaps you could work from a remote location (home, secondary office, etc.) or on another shift. I'm a bit surprised you would consider that you will not "bump into" OW at some point, whether by accident or not. You two somehow met while working in different sections and if I were your W; I would expect for you to meet again! Is that chance worth taking? It would not be for me. If there is no alternative whatsoever, I would explain the situation to W, just as you did here and ask her what she would like for you to do. If she says that you should leave - then leave! It's an easy call. If you're a believer, God will provide!

Patriot; you have been given another chance at your M after treating your W in the worst way possible. Many on this forum and in life will never be offered that chance; but would do almost anything to have it. Don't blow it! Good Luck.

FR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fishracer:

Hi First; please allow me to thank you for helping my family and I sleep at night in what you do. Now to your post.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seems awkward to say, but thank you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Glad to see that you're taking responsibilty for your actions. As to your W's family & friends - I doubt that they will alter their view until they see change in you. It will take some time. Until then; you might write to them (with humility) and say what you've said here.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They don't know. She has chosen not to tell them. One of the ideas pushed here is to tell you friends and family. She has a few reasons that she has not. None of them are at my request. I support anything she needs in this ordeal and if she wishes to tell or not tell... then so be it. I guess I gain if she does not tell, but the truth is I gain if she does tell also. The fact is I will support what is comfortable for her on this idea. [/quote]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As to your job situation; I am one to consider alternatives. What if you went to your superiors, told them what you've done and ask if they may have an idea for guaranteed NC with OW? Perhaps you could work from a remote location (home, secondary office, etc.) or on another shift.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">did this already... now I am being told I have to come in. I truly do believe I can stay away from OW, but I understand if others do not believe me. Meaning, I do not want to see her or talk to her.... but I am a realistic guy and I can not say the I will never go to get some coffee or go to the bathroom and not see her in the hall. I can promise I will not talk to her. That I can and will do... but that is putting froz in the position to have to trust me... and I won't be so shallow to think I deserve that right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm a bit surprised you would consider that you will not "bump into" OW at some point, whether by accident or not. You two somehow met while working in different sections and if I were your W; I would expect for you to meet again! Is that chance worth taking? It would not be for me. If there is no alternative whatsoever, I would explain the situation to W, just as you did here and ask her what she would like for you to do. If she says that you should leave - then leave! It's an easy call. If you're a believer, God will provide!

Patriot; you have been given another chance at your M after treating your W in the worst way possible. Many on this forum and in life will never be offered that chance; but would do almost anything to have it. Don't blow it! Good Luck.

FR </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am really trying not to blow this. She means the world to me and I did not treat her that way. I hid myself and I lied to her on numerous occasions. Over the span of a year and a half. I ruined her belief in her own intuition. Man, it sucks, but I did it. Now, I am trying to do everything I can fathom to make this right... to rebuild our relationship.

I am really having a hard time figuring out what to do about the job situation, though. It is easy to say it is simple... but it isn't really. Money problems are one of the destroyers of my last marriage, and so I am terrified of them. It will sound crazy, but I really sometimes think, "hey... I won't talk to OW ever and I told you this. If you want to build trust in me again, then let me show you what I can do and how faithful to you I can be" But, in reality, that is not that simple either.

Patriot

Your remorse is admirable. I am glad that you came to your senses. May I ask if your wife did a plan a/b with you in this situation?

I am currently separated from my husband, I do not know if he is having an affair...it's not a definite, but it's definitely possible, I'd say probable.

I love him and my family more than anything in the whole world, and I die inside a little everyday that we're apart.

I would do anything, to have him back with me, but one stipulation will definitely be that he MUST quit his job....this woman, whether they are having a PA or not is part of my problem and I will not deal with it. I envision him having a problem with me telling him this, but I really don't know any way around it. If she would go to a different location (they don't work at the same store...but they work 2 doors down from each other), then maybe, but I would be wondering everyday.

-Caren

Patriot & Frozen,

Getting to the point here. My husband stayed at his job for 18 months post d-day. There was some contact with OW and it made it harder for me to earn trust in him.

But my husband was very much like you, Patriot. He ended the affair on dday and never looked back. He wanted our marriage to work. He was willing to do whatever it took.

I couldn't see asking him to quit because I figured they could meet up whenever and wherever they wanted to anyway.

Eventually, he left that job and I realized just how much the close proximity hindered my healing. It was so much easier to trust him knowing there was almost zero chance they would run into each other once he left.

I guess I am in the camp that you should hold your job and reconsider everything upon your return. Be completely accountable to Frozen, mention every contact, no matter how minor, and do it as soon as possible. Be an open book.

That's just my take. But then, what I think and what I did doesn't really matter. If Frozen thinks she can make it through a few months, great. If not, the two of you need to put your heads together and consider all of the possibilities until you can come to an agreement on what to do.

Glad to see you are posting.

~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> Patriot

May I ask if your wife did a plan a/b with you in this situation?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well... we winged it for a bit and I scheduled a MC shortly after DDay.... and now I guess it has molded into plan A. We communicate and talk about each others feelings. We haven't solved it all yet.. but we make progress.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I am currently separated from my husband, I do not know if he is having an affair...it's not a definite, but it's definitely possible, I'd say probable.

I love him and my family more than anything in the whole world, and I die inside a little everyday that we're apart.

I would do anything, to have him back with me, but one stipulation will definitely be that he MUST quit his job....this woman, whether they are having a PA or not is part of my problem and I will not deal with it. I envision him having a problem with me telling him this, but I really don't know any way around it. If she would go to a different location (they don't work at the same store...but they work 2 doors down from each other), then maybe, but I would be wondering everyday.

-Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry you are going through a painful time with your possibly WS(if I understand correctly.... that you are not sure.... but I know wondering and possible proof is no fun.) I have this to offer and it might be easy to respond with "easy for you to say, you jerk!" but I think ultimatums are dangerous. If you back a cat into the corner and it feels threatened it might strike. That cat might be the most loving cat to you... but when backed into a corner... sometime people rebel to simply rebel. It is a dangerous thing.... people. Anyway, I will say this. Always do things in a fashion so you can say you did them the right way. It takes strength, but it will make you stronger to know you did not stoop to the lower level.

I know that I feel better when I don't do the wrong thing.

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: patriot92 ]</small>

Patriot I just posted a few thoughts on Froze's thread, in case you care to look.

Native

I do care to look <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and thank you. I appreciate any help she and I can obtain.

Using this as an accountability journal. Seemed like it would be helpful.

Got to work this morning after froz and I talked about it and neither one of us would give in. I feel in my heart I am right about taking care of financial responsibilities. A war is in my head over this subject. I did not have the predetermined idea in my head that I would just come to work and that would be that. The idea I had was unless I quit, I had to work. I have not quit. If I quit, I am convinced that 2 months+ of financial hardship follows. Real life... not a movie here.

I have no desire to see OW. None. I did not come to work to see her. I came to work to provide for my family, the most important thing to me.

I got here at around 9am and called froz. No answer. Called cell phone. No answer. I am trying to be accountable for my actions. What a lost situation I feel I am in. She thinks I am being selfish and only considering me by coming to work. I think I am providing for my family and taking one for the team by being in about the most uncomfortable position of my life make sure ends meet.

It is just a complex issue. Money is not more important than froz. Creditors don't care. Bills have to get paid.

All this and then I leave my world to go to some far away country for a long time. What a mess I have caused myself. Stupid... really.

VP of HR just emailed me about a meeting I requested with her. I go to see her at 11:00. I am going to discuss the boundary of NC so that the info can be relayed, if need be. Doing what I can think of to be accountable, although no plan is foolproof.

Is any plan?

Patriot:

Have you read SAA? How about HNHN?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Got to work this morning after froz and I talked about it and neither one of us would give in. I feel in my heart I am right about taking care of financial responsibilities. A war is in my head over this subject. I did not have the predetermined idea in my head that I would just come to work and that would be that. The idea I had was unless I quit, I had to work. I have not quit. If I quit, I am convinced that 2 months+ of financial hardship follows. Real life... not a movie here.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean this with 100% respect; but you're just not getting it brother! I read your original post and felt that you understood where your R is in the whole scheme of things. I'm not so sure now. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am the person responsible for destroying the trust in me that my soulmate possessed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now you expect her to immediately trust you fully; in the same building that you nurtured the A in. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had the best person on the face of the earth in my life and in love with me... and I tried to destroy it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you're trying to dsetroy it again - over 2 months pay.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no desire to see OW. None. I did not come to work to see her. I came to work to provide for my family, the most important thing to me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not about you and your desires! Froz doesn't care about you providing anything to her right now but trust and love. It's about Froz's desire for you to make yourself trustworthy again!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is just a complex issue. Money is not more important than froz. Creditors don't care. Bills have to get paid.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Call your creditors. Tell them that you need a 60 day extension for serious personal reasons. Yes, bills have to get paid; I understand that, but consider the price.

From Froz's position: You're more worried about your credit rating than you are about her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All this and then I leave my world to go to some far away country for a long time. What a mess I have caused myself. Stupid... really.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not your world!!! It's yours and Froz's world!!! Yes, you've caused quite a mess; but you have a W who is offering you another chance. Do you have any idea how many S's never get that chance?

Choices: You can spend 60 days near your OW knowing that you are putting your M at risk once again for a few dollars, or you can spend 60 days showing Froz how much you love her, how sorry you are and how much you're going to miss her.

Look at it this way: If you consider that your M might last 30 more years (360 months), if you take 2-months off, you're looking at spending only .05% of your total married time together as "repair-time". The potential pay-off for that .05% time-investment is tremendous. I wonder how many MB-ers would like that offer!

I urge you to re-think your position! You're being offered a helluva deal here.

I'm not trying to bust your chops; I'm trying to get you to see the situation in a different light. You have a second chance - don't blow it! Good Luck.

FR

I have not read those books. I am, however, reading another book.... forgot the name of it. It is an online book she bought for me.

I am not trying to destroy my relationship again. I just feel so trapped. Not by her. The situation.

I am not being selfish about all of this. I am only trying to do the right thing.

I am so lost right this instant.

Hi, patriot92.

I have a couple of questions for you if you don't mind.

What about your 'other woman' disgusted you, and when did you realize you were disgusted?

Do you have a number of completed IT projects already under your belt?

How long were you into your affair before "I love you" was bandied about between you and the other woman?

Why did you think it was okay to have two women at the same time?

Between you and the other woman, who made the first move that ultimately started the affair?

Thanks,
Gimble

Patriot:

I know that you're confused, but I'm not sure what you're confused about. As I see it; the opportunity that Froz has given you is much, much more powerful than you realize or perhaps than you want to recognize.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not trying to destroy my relationship again. I just feel so trapped. Not by her. The situation.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This comment reads as if you're back-tracking on your accountability statement. Yes, you feel trapped by the situation - but how did you get into this situation? Who's responsibility is it to make things right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not being selfish about all of this. I am only trying to do the right thing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The right thing by who's standards? The woman that you disrespected in the worst possible way that a man could ever do so is saying that she loves you, desires to forgive you and wants to stay married to you forever - but you have to stay away from the OW! Why is there such a big difference in what you see and what I see here? I'm beginning to wonder if you aren't secretly hoping to "run into" the OW before you leave there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so lost right this instant.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you want extreme clarity about this situation - it's very easy. Do one (or both) of the following:

1. Schedule a phone conference with Steve Harley as soon as possible. It's $185 and will be the best money that you've ever spent.

2. Stop reading the online book, go to your local bookstore right away and buy; "Survivng an Affair" by Willard Harley. Read it with Froz. Don't read anything other than that book and perhaps the Bible.

You will not be confused after doing either or both of those exercizes - I guarantee it. You may not like what you're told, but you will not be confused! Good Luck.

FR

patriot,

I have been posting to your W here too and I just wanted to ask what specifically do you feel "lost" about? You admitted to feeling disgust with the OW,you admit that your marriage is the most important thing to you and you love and cherish your wife,so...what is going on? Why do you feel "trapped"? What does this mean?

O

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Again, I will not hide from what I have done, but having in-laws that hate me and do not allow me to visit them with her can put an obvious strain on her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having in-laws who know you ... and know what you are capable of... they will hate what you did, not you. Just like us.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but alas.... the situation is still difficult. I am required to return to work tomorrow. If I resign with no notice, it possibly hurts my ability to get a job and takes away income the family expects. If I return to work it possibly hurts my ability to keep my loving wife.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Reality bites <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you were to choose your wife over your career, now THAT would be impressive!

Pep

PS ... I really like your wife a lot. I am thinking of adopting her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
What about your 'other woman' disgusted you, and when did you realize you were disgusted? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I came to me senses and had to face what I was doing, I became disgusted with me. In turn, because I truly do care about my R and M, I was disgusted with her for not caring. My past disgusts me... but I gotta wake up to me every day. She is gone and doesn't get to explain anything anymore(I don't want to hear either) and so I am left with being disgusted with her. Maybe odd, but I am disgusted with her and that is that.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Do you have a number of completed IT projects already under your belt?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">difficult to define. The company I work for is in the business of custom software. It is a reactionary type of work environment. I have a resume and can back it up, if that answers the question

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
How long were you into your affair before "I love you" was bandied about between you and the other woman?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I nor she ever said I love you. I don't kow if that means something good or bad. But, it I love you was never said. Again... I have to deal with whatever you think of that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Why did you think it was okay to have two women at the same time?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never defined it this way. It was defined in selfishness and blindness to what I wanted and needed. The point is I made a mistake and I had priorities in an incorrect order. I no longer have priorities out of order. Now, consistency has to be a mainstay of mine. The MC and I will address "why" issues soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Between you and the other woman, who made the first move that ultimately started the affair?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ot sure how it matters, but she did

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that you're confused, but I'm not sure what you're confused about. As I see it; the opportunity that Froz has given you is much, much more powerful than you realize or perhaps than you want to recognize.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Confused about what is best for my family and my wife. I see the opportunity froz is giving me, but until you write the checks for my bills, you are not seeing the entire picture. I understand emotion is a key factor right now, which is why I am being very deliberate to make cognitive choices. That is all I am doing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
This comment reads as if you're back-tracking on your accountability statement. Yes, you feel trapped by the situation - but how did you get into this situation? Who's responsibility is it to make things right?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wrong situation. I am talking about the choose the wife, choose the job situation, although in my mind that statement WAY over-simplifies it. Make no mistake... I know who got me here.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not being selfish about all of this. I am only trying to do the right thing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The right thing by who's standards? The woman that you disrespected in the worst possible way that a man could ever do so is saying that she loves you, desires to forgive you and wants to stay married to you forever - but you have to stay away from the OW! Why is there such a big difference in what you see and what I see here? I'm beginning to wonder if you aren't secretly hoping to "run into" the OW before you leave there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so lost right this instant.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you want extreme clarity about this situation - it's very easy. Do one (or both) of the following:

1. Schedule a phone conference with Steve Harley as soon as possible. It's $185 and will be the best money that you've ever spent.

2. Stop reading the online book, go to your local bookstore right away and buy; "Survivng an Affair" by Willard Harley. Read it with Froz. Don't read anything other than that book and perhaps the Bible.

You will not be confused after doing either or both of those exercizes - I guarantee it. You may not like what you're told, but you will not be confused! Good Luck.

FR </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thank you for your input, but I don't see "stop reading the other book" as a constructive remark. I don't believe you to be a "Harley Lackey", but it is quite possible that I have read somethings in that book that have served me well up to now.

Again, I truly appreciate the time you take to address my situation and I do not want you to stop. If you feel as though you must not be open with me because of what I have said here, stop that!. Let me have it. Be open and beat me up. I could use it. ... just so I have addressed that.

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: patriot92 ]</small>

well... since I butchered the post above...

No. I do not secretly want to run into the OW. Man... what a nightmare. I have been to the restroom twice(tmi... I am sure) and both times I have felt like a covert operative checking corners and clearing rooms to make sure the enemy is not there.

I discussed this situation with the VP of HR and we talked about me resigning or staying. I did cover the initial reason for the meeting, which was to ensure OW knew she had 0 reason to contact me and that this boundary was not to be crossed. Over the morning, I have begun to lean more towards just quit and deal with that. So our discussion(the VP and I) dealt with that.

I say that I am lost because of this simple reason.

I see the case for staying and working

I see the case for quiting.

both scenarios come with good and bad. What compounds the issue is the deployment... if for nothing more than Afghanistan is not exactly South Padre. People are dying there. I am going there. I will serve my country and be proud to do it... but I am human. I have concerns, if not fears, about coming back in a much worse physical condition than when I left. ....notwithstanding the whole never comeback idea. I wear a POW bracelet for a man that never came back. If I had my 'druthers... I would rather stay off someones wrist in the future