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Not a good thing.
Realized that THAT is why I'm in a down mood 2day.
Simple: before sun came up (sun? in L.A.? What's THAT?), I asked my W "what are you thinking about?" No response. About a half hour later, she asked me "What are YOU thinking about?" So, I told her some things that were on my mind, but not the biggies - 3yr d-day anniversary is in a 2ple of weeks, we didn't have SF at all over the holidays (which included our 29th anniversary) and I didn't want 2.
So I'm depressed because it was SO HARD 2 bring anything truly important up in a reply. I'm a big-time conflict avoider, I know it for what it is, and I can't seem 2 do anything about it.
I almost didn't post this.
I think I'm really running out of steam here.
-2long
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new year...
new year
new approach
new goal
speak your fear
tell it to the mirror..
tell it to the scaffolding....
a couple of times......
then tell it to your wife...
she DID ask....
the way you do something about it..is you say it..
think your fears through...
whats the worst
whats the best
who says her response even means that much....
don't take the first thing she says at net value..
perhaps the triumph is not hearing what you want or don't want...
but in YOU saying it...
what you would tell anyone else here that posted this post 2long...
steam will come when you face the mountain on the other side..
no one knows what's there...
this is the year to find out..
or else you will post this same post next year...
you can do this...
cause the way to do this is to speak it...
strange and scary at first.
but life is full of strange and scary things...
fourteen foot high ceilings sound scary to me...
ARK
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We should have a conflict avoiders anonymous group...
"Hi, I'm Carol and I am a conflict avoider"...
Is there a chance that you can talk about it later today or do you think it's too late? They are important issues that need to be discussed even though they are very unpleasant.
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FYI
Waiting awhile to voice your concerns ... after reflection and self-examination is a good thing...
You can do this ... my H does this all the time. He generally tells me about a problem he has with me days after it has occured.
Things can become clearer sometimes with a little time to reflect and select the right words, and the right time.
Pep
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Hello, my name is ol' 2long and I'm a conflict avoider...
I have 2 do this. I hate the heartburn.
-ol' 2long
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Maalox moments are made of this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Pep
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Hello, my name is Qfwfq and I'm ol' 2long and HE is a conflict avoider! (and I'm a blame shifter!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Somebody's got to cheer myself up, doesn't they?
-Qfwfq
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We need confict avoiders anon and delayed reactors anon as well I think.
I'm a delayed reactor. I don't know something bothered me until atleast three weeks after it happened.
I don't know which is worse.
2long - just spit it out. Speak your truth man!
"the truth shall set you free"
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Weaver - I'm the exact same way! Usually it takes a while before I realize I am upset, then it takes a while, if ever, for me to say/do something about it.
2long - have you rehearsed in your head what you would like to say? Maybe that will help?
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2long, my 3 yr d-day is also approaching next month. Same as you we've never been able to have any meaningful discussion on that subject. But beyond that subject I am also conflict avoider but wonder if it's more because W doesn't want to discuss anything unpleasant that might involve her, only shift blame. What I want to point out is that your post says that you asked her what's on her mind and she answered your question with a question of her own. That is not an answer. She doesn't want to discuss it. So I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. YOU tried; she didn't in my opinion.
Consider the possibility that the same thing that's on your mind is on her mind. At least it gets that way the second you ask her that question. Because she knows what's on your mind. And I'm not talking about the SF part. But probably the A part. My point is to stop trying so hard. If you're W asked you first what was on your mind you would have thought you were going to be in a real conversation. But the way it gets turned around I think you already know this isn't meant to be a meaningful discussion. Consider what would have happened if you had voiced your concerns. Were you acting as a conflict avoider or simply avoiding an inevitable and unpleasant ending? I think if you know the result is going to be negative in just about every way, then it really isn't conflict avoiding as much as throwing your hands up.
I want to give you a little bit of encouragement by updating my situation. As you may remember my W had ONS in 2/02 followed by about 2 1/2 yr EA. Today I graduated from IC. Meaning IC and I both agreed I'm at a pretty good place and can finally move on regardless of what W does. And W and I are still together and reasonably happy. The second thing is that I got a look at her most recent cell phone bill and the calls to OM are finally just about non-existent. So I think the fog is finally lifting and I am optimistic that this might be the year of true healing. I just wanted to give you a glimpse of my time line because it seems similar to yours. I hope I didn't miss the entire point of your post. Anyway Happy New Year.
WOE
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Pep, chackler and weaver:
Deal. I'll find a way.
WOE:
Yep, very similar timelines. Similar As, for that matter - mostly EA, not much PA. Worse that way in a sense.
I usually don't get a response of any kind 2 that 2uestion, so I seldom ask it. She didn't answer with her own 2uestion, it was at least a half hour of silence later.
it's not like there's a lot of tension these days, either. Mostly we get along fine and are happier. I just never got "closure", and lately that's been bugging me again.
-ol' 2long
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One of the reasons I identify with you so well, is that we are a lot alike.
I sometimes (often??) will tell my W I am fine with something she wants to do, only to find out later I am not OK with it. I try to talk about it, and she gets mad - because I said it was OK, but now I have feelings about it. We are learning - ouch, sometimes learning is hard.
2long wouldn't have talked to us, if 2long had no intention of working on this.
Why do you figure it is so hard to change ourselves?
Is it because I am lazy?
Maybe it's because I thought the habits I formed early in my marriage would work, and my mind has a hard time changing years of doing it that way?
Or it could be becuse of the hole in the ozone layer letting in more gravity. I know it affects my bathroom scales, it could be affecting this too.
SS
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SS -
Why do you figure it is so hard to change ourselves?
Because we are truly creatures of habit. My mom used to say it takes 14 days in a row of consciously doing something before it will become a new habit. Now that is hard to do with communication!
With me I am like you, I don't know I'm not okay with it until later, and even then I have to wonder if it is okay to not be okay with it. But in retrospect I think I have a nanosecond at the time of the question or the occurance where something flashes in my brain, but I blow it off...then later it comes back to bite me in the butt.
It's what happens during that nanosecond that we need to pay attention to, I think.
Cerri could probably help at this because the one thread I read where she was talking about communication with partners she was very enlightening to proper language to use not to get the other partner all ticked off. It was really a great read.
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"Why do you figure it is so hard to change ourselves?" I don't know about you guys, but I'm right handed, and reaching and switching my brain around so I can undo those big sky-blue-headed safety pins on my left side takes a bit of coordination. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> -ol' 2long P.S. Watch NOVA tonight
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"Why do you figure it is so hard to change ourselves?" Depends! -ol' 2long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
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2long - What's on NOVA tonight? I'm sure it beats the 2000th rerun of a Gunsmoke episode! LOL I understand about conflict avoidance. Been doin' it my self for a long time. I need to ask questions and get answers but I don't. I wouldn't get the answers anyway so why rock the boat? I signed up after dday to make this marriage work but it sure would be a little easier if I could see a little more effort from the other half. I'm TooOld4This, and I'm a conflict avoider. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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2, I understand what you are saying about closure. I believe you are a step closer to it then me in that in your case contact has ceased. I started to have some real awakenings lately in what I really need. I have given up the idea of having the discussion so I can let W know how bad she hurt me. Perhaps this is and was selfish on my part. But from every outsiders perspective my M is quite dysfunctional but just like you I am relatively happy and get along quite well with W. I have finally let go out trying to fix her and even of letting myself get confused by the facts. The only thing that really matters is that I love her and am still quite happy. The letting go has been very hard but the more I do the better things seem to go.
Sorry to digress. But back to conflict avoidance I would question whether you could consider the more positive side of that coin as peacemaker. Yes, somethings need to be addressed but you can also take that too far. Decide how important something is to you and pick your spots. I think that would have a greater impact.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long: <strong> "Why do you figure it is so hard to change ourselves?" Depends! -ol' 2long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hahahaha I may be the only one who "gets this" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Pep (ROFLMAOSPIMP) <small>[ January 04, 2005, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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TO4T: Mars!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> my hometown... -ol' 2long
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