I am a 25 year old woman who has been married for almost 5 years. I know now that believing that which my mother told me to be or marry someone who likes you more than you like them is crazy!!! I always knew I never really had strong feelings for my husband but I married him because I was sick of living with my mom and I was pregnant with a second child. Big Mistake! We don't act like we are married at all, he use to go out without me all hours of the night while I was working and he was not. He has never really held a steady job and daydreams all day and does nothing. I know in my heart I resent him and I hate myself because I have 3 kids and I don't really have an option to leave and start my life over. It's even more hard on me because I am the biggest supporter of the family because he has been hit with a terminal illiness (Kidney Failure)within 6 months of our marriage. I tried though I know I did, even with all the things he did to me in the beginning of our marriage, I thought eventually he would try hard for the family and take care of us. All this time I had remained faithful but I was more and more depressed and lonely. In 2004, I had started a new job and met a guy I use to attend High School with, I was so happy he was interested in me. I thought I could be smart, have an affair, no attachments, just someone that I could talk to and who would listen. This arrangement lasted for a year and still goes on at some point. The affair was so intense, I lived two lives like a crazy woman. This man was so gentle and so sweet to me I literally cried on every encounter we had. The affair could no longer last because of me promising to leave my husband and be with him and also lying about the fact that I didn't have more than one child. It became very exhausted, but I still crave it. I know in my heart I love the person I had the affair with but I know that it will never happen. I actually was quite afraid to end the affair because I knew I would have to return to the boring life I had before I met him. My problem is I constantly fight with my husband everyday and we have no intimacy at all, which is fine because most of the time when I want sex from him is because I can't get it from my lover. I am deeply depressed because I can't see myself staying in this marriage anymore but don't know how to get out???

P.S. I really don't want to fix the marriage, I just don't to raise 3 kids by myself.

Love is a choice.

May I suggest a book.

The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.

Best wishes, KY

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]</small>

Ok...Wow...you need to get into some couseling NOW!!!!!! It really is sad to hear you talk about your husband and children that way. If you "hate" your husband..you need to either get help or get out of the marriage. It's not fair to either of you to stay and be miserable like that.
I am a BS spouse so I really don't have much sympathy...sorry! I hope someone else will come along to help you. This really is a good place to come for advice. Glad you found it!!!!
Good luck!

Ok...Wow...you need to get into some couseling NOW!!!!!! It really is sad to hear you talk about your husband and children that way. If you "hate" your husband..you need to either get help or get out of the marriage. It's not fair to either of you to stay and be miserable like that.
I am a BS spouse so I really don't have much sympathy...sorry! I hope someone else will come along to help you. This really is a good place to come for advice. Glad you found it!!!!
Good luck!

F.M.,

Just from the first couple lines I knew you were the one having an affair. The justifications, excuses and rationalizations really stand out.

It does sound like your H has some problems but if we asked him he might have a different take on the sitch.

You've lied to your H. You lied to to person you're having an affair with. Chances are you've lied to your parents and maybe even your kids.

You should be depressed all this "two lives" stuff drains a person. You get no rest whomever you're with.

Having said all that you can change your marriage. I don't blame you for not wanting to be in the marriage you are in but if you don't like it, change it.

It sounds cliche but be the change you want to see in your marriage.

BTW....How does you H view you and your marriage.

Sorry if this came across a little harsh.

God Bless

Doug

F.M.,

Just from the first couple lines I knew you were the one having an affair. The justifications, excuses and rationalizations really stand out.

It does sound like your H has some problems but if we asked him he might have a different take on the sitch.

You've lied to your H. You lied to to person you're having an affair with. Chances are you've lied to your parents and maybe even your kids.

You should be depressed all this "two lives" stuff drains a person. You get no rest whomever you're with.

Having said all that you can change your marriage. I don't blame you for not wanting to be in the marriage you are in but if you don't like it, change it.

It sounds cliche but be the change you want to see in your marriage. Have you looked into sitting with a therapist/counselor on exactly why you hate your H?

BTW....How does you H view you and your marriage.

Sorry if this came across a little harsh.

God Bless

Doug

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I feel being totally honest about how you feel about certain things helps to deal with the situation. I will explain further that I tried to fix the marriage after the affair but I really deeply don't regret it because I felt I needed that moment in my life to build my esteem. I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me but to understand what I'm dealing with here. I told my husband that I am not in love with him anymore and just want us to raise the kids and do what we need to do to make ourselves happy in the process and then we can divorce when the children are grown. What's wrong with that??? I am not making any excuses for the affair but I have had issues for a long time and my husband completely ignored them. Now it seems that the affair was the only thing that got his attention!!!

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I feel being totally honest about how you feel about certain things helps to deal with the situation. I will explain further that I tried to fix the marriage after the affair but I really deeply don't regret it because I felt I needed that moment in my life to build my esteem. I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me but to understand what I'm dealing with here. I told my husband that I am not in love with him anymore and just want us to raise the kids and do what we need to do to make ourselves happy in the process and then we can divorce when the children are grown. What's wrong with that??? I am not making any excuses for the affair but I have had issues for a long time and my husband completely ignored them. Now it seems that the affair was the only thing that got his attention!!!

F.M you don't want to raise 3 children by yourself?

Honey, grow some backbone. You don't sound like an independent woman at all. Hey guess what I'm 22, raising a child all by myself. It's doable. You don't have to hurt anybody to get what you want. Your husband may not be the best of men, but your doing wrong. I don't mean to sound harsh but if you don't like the way your life is then do something about it but that doesn't mean getting your emotinal and physical nedds met outside your marriage. Hello <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> your children come first. Whats in it for them...

Are the kids really happy if their parents are always fighting and aren't happy together? Maybe all of you should go into family thereapy.
I understand you wanting to stay married for the kids sake but if you are truly thinking of your kids then make a change!!!!!!
It's a sad situation all around but you can change it!!!!!

I have been asking my husband how he views marriage and we are never on the same page. I told him since I work full-time, I shouldn't have to do so many other house duties because he doesn't work. I really don't think he knows how to treat women at all because his grandmother and father give him money all the time and instead of vested it in bills he spends it on himself, leaving me to pay for everything just because I have a job. It's not my fault he's sick and it may sound selfish but I'm to young to be dealing with this.

We tried counseling about 2 years ago and it went terrible because he was disappointed that I was pregnant again and couldn't give him a kidney transplant. We both accept the fact that we need counseling and want to get it but don't really have the time or money. To the woman who said she was raising one child by herself, that's nothing compared to three. My life was wonderful when I had one child. It may be tight but it's right.

My kids know we are unhappy and just don't say anything when we argue. My husband asked me to leave since I seem so unhappy. Why should I leave and still pay for things. I think he should leave, at least seperate because it's just unbearable. I am also working on doing things on my own. I am furthering my education and trying to do more things around the house so I can do it on my own.

Believe me I can imagine. One is hard enough so I sympathize for you. But What I'm saying is that it is doable. In your first post you said you have no options. You do. You are only 25. Sure you come with batteries included now but you can still conquer the world. But you have to sit back and re-evaluate your life and what you want out of it. But if you want good things to happen to you, then you have to do right yourself. Makes sense right?

You are exactly right. I know I can change but I just don't want to continue to live like this and honestly don't know where to start. My husband told me last night that I was not a good mother or a wife so I should just leave. Maybe I should, they may be better off without me anyway.

Goodness don't do that. Kids need their mother, besides do you really trust your husband to be better at parenting than you are. You sound quiet conflicted. I think you can start by ending your affair and telling your husband the truth. Go from there.

The affair is over, we are still friends. I want more but I can't tell him the truth, he will hate me and I will never see him again. My husband knows all about my affair and reminds of how bad I am everyday. I don't care as long as somebody loves me even if I can't have him.

???
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> he has been hit with a terminal illiness (Kidney Failure)within 6 months of our marriage.
...
I am a 25 year old woman who has been married for almost 5 years.

What is his prognosis?

Ok your husband knows, and he is still there. He must love you. Why not try and make the marriage work then.

And there you go again with the me, me , me business. (Insert children here please)

You will never be happy with any love you get if you do not first love yourself.

What are you asking me Chris???