I'm sorry. I have to work on that. I actually think in the back of my mind I love him but I am just afraid to love him. Do you think this could be true.

Also in the back of my mind I think he stays because I have a good job and we have a nice house.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
<strong> What are you asking me Chris??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">F.M. you said that your husband had a "terminal" illness, which means he is going to die eventually from his disease.

Chris wants to know how your husband is now. What is the story with his health? Is he still terminal, or is he going to be around a while?

~ Snow

Holy Cow.... I'm blown away.

The VERY last thing you need in your life right now is OM...ANY OM.

You need to put your heart and soul into your family.

With 3 children, under 5, I'm assuming, a husband with kidney failure... and a fulltime job...how on earth to you have time to wonder about another guy ?

You husband never stated he didn't love you...he made negative comments about your wife/mother skills.

What is it that you want ?
What is it that you need ?

It sounds like you bit off more than you can chew at a VERY young age.

I can promise you...walking away from this family..will haunt you for the rest of your days.

Being young, you think you can walk away, but in time...those wounds...that were masked in denial...will rear their ugly heads...and you'll never be able to repair the damage that you've caused.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will explain further that I tried to fix the marriage after the affair but I really deeply don't regret it because I felt I needed that moment in my life to build my esteem. I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me but to understand what I'm dealing with here. I told my husband that I am not in love with him anymore and just want us to raise the kids and do what we need to do to make ourselves happy in the process and then we can divorce when the children are grown. What's wrong with that???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you serious????

I'm not sure how much you have read on MB, have you heard of FOG?? You are in it! You needed that moment to build your esteem?? FOG What you needed was to build your esteem yourself, and not depend on another man to do it for you. You are so justifying your A.

You do not feel in love with your H because you are still having contact with OM, and his love is over powering your feelings for your H. You will not feel a great love for your H while you have any kind of relationship with OM. NO CONTACT is a must!!!!!!!

I had an A - due to my character flaws. I am now A proofing my M. I'm making self improvements, my H has too, we are on our way to a wonderful M.

I'm asking you, read His Needs Her Needs, by Willard F. Harley, read The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, read Surviving and Affair.

Learn about what you have went through, understand the dynamics of this. It will teach you so much about yourself. You will learn what the Affair was a mistake. Please, please, try and find the answers.

Sincerely wanting you to give your M a try, KY

And there you go again with the me, me , me business. (Insert children here please)

XAX, excellent point.

You will never be happy with any love you get if you do not first love yourself. Sorry but this is utter rubbish. It is like giving her permission to do what she is doing. No disrespect meant XAX, I know you meant well.

F.M..
Do you have any religious background? Are you a believer? Please think long and hard about the committment you made to your H and to those children you gave birth to. You do not need a man to validate you. God will give you all you need to get through the difficult times. Please listen to these wise people on this board and go NC with OM. You can do it, one day at a time. Give your M and your children a chance. You will not regret it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kyellow4:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will explain further that I tried to fix the marriage after the affair but I really deeply don't regret it because I felt I needed that moment in my life to build my esteem. I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me but to understand what I'm dealing with here. I told my husband that I am not in love with him anymore and just want us to raise the kids and do what we need to do to make ourselves happy in the process and then we can divorce when the children are grown. What's wrong with that???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you serious????

I'm not sure how much you have read on MB, have you heard of FOG?? You are in it! You needed that moment to build your esteem?? FOG What you needed was to build your esteem yourself, and not depend on another man to do it for you. You are so justifying your A.

You do not feel in love with your H because you are still having contact with OM, and his love is over powering your feelings for your H. You will not feel a great love for your H while you have any kind of relationship with OM. NO CONTACT is a must!!!!!!!

I had an A - due to my character flaws. I am now A proofing my M. I'm making self improvements, my H has too, we are on our way to a wonderful M.

I'm asking you, read His Needs Her Needs, by Willard F. Harley, read The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, read Surviving and Affair.

Learn about what you have went through, understand the dynamics of this. It will teach you so much about yourself. You will learn what the Affair was a mistake. Please, please, try and find the answers.

Sincerely wanting you to give your M a try, KY </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is FOG?? I went home last night and talked to my husband about our problems, I took most of the things discussed in the forum in our conversation. It hurts it really does that my husband has now builted up a wall so I can no longer hurt him. We discussed our future and the things we wanted out of life and the conversation lasted so long it was like we never had any problems in the first place. The words LOVE IS A CHOICE reign through my head all night it was crazy. I know I choose to love the person I had an affair with and after a while realized that when I thought of the person,I could only think about the intimacy we shared and nothing else. Not really wanted to admit that I wanted mostly a physical relationship and nothing more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
<strong> And there you go again with the me, me , me business. (Insert children here please)

XAX, excellent point.

You will never be happy with any love you get if you do not first love yourself. Sorry but this is utter rubbish. It is like giving her permission to do what she is doing. No disrespect meant XAX, I know you meant well.

F.M..
Do you have any religious background? Are you a believer? Please think long and hard about the committment you made to your H and to those children you gave birth to. You do not need a man to validate you. God will give you all you need to get through the difficult times. Please listen to these wise people on this board and go NC with OM. You can do it, one day at a time. Give your M and your children a chance. You will not regret it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
<strong> And there you go again with the me, me , me business. (Insert children here please)

XAX, excellent point.

You will never be happy with any love you get if you do not first love yourself. Sorry but this is utter rubbish. It is like giving her permission to do what she is doing. No disrespect meant XAX, I know you meant well.

F.M..
Do you have any religious background? Are you a believer? Please think long and hard about the committment you made to your H and to those children you gave birth to. You do not need a man to validate you. God will give you all you need to get through the difficult times. Please listen to these wise people on this board and go NC with OM. You can do it, one day at a time. Give your M and your children a chance. You will not regret it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I believe in God. I know what he says about marriage, I know that people wrestle with their flesh everyday and constantly try to control it. I have not went to church in a while and my husband and I both believed that, that is the only way we will be able to work our marriage out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
I felt I needed that moment in my life to build my esteem.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you were offering your children a lesson on gaining self esteem when they are older, say young adult age... what exactly would you teach them about activities that build self-esteem?

Would lying be a part of building self-esteem?
How about cheating and sneaking around behind the family's back in order to have sexual pleasure? Is that self-esteem?

I don't understand how you can say that sexual misconduct and moral lapses are esteem building? It certainly seems to me that under other circumstances , lying and cheating are not considered to be desiarable esteem-creating characteristics.


Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Snowbelle:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
<strong> What are you asking me Chris??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">F.M. you said that your husband had a "terminal" illness, which means he is going to die eventually from his disease.

Chris wants to know how your husband is now. What is the story with his health? Is he still terminal, or is he going to be around a while?

~ Snow </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband has end-stage renal disease, he has dialysis three times a week and takes alot of medication. I don't know how long people can live off of dialysis but he has been on for 4 years now. Truthfully speaking I don't know what I want. I know I need a lot of attention and love but just don't know how to get it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
I felt I needed that moment in my life to build my esteem.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you were offering your children a lesson on gaining self esteem when they are older, say young adult age... what exactly would you teach them about activities that build self-esteem?

Would lying be a part of building self-esteem?
How about cheating and sneaking around behind the family's back in order to have sexual pleasure? Is that self-esteem?

I don't understand how you can say that sexual misconduct and moral lapses are esteem building? It certainly seems to me that under other circumstances , lying and cheating are not considered to be desiarable esteem-creating characteristics.


Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did what I needed to do at the time. People often don't understand relationships that affair people have. I am not saying what I did was right. All of my encounters were not sexual either. We were very good friends, he had problems like I did. I will let you read an e-mail he sent me recently.

What we had was fun but no matter how you look at it the relationship was wrong. It was no ones fault it happened we both allowed it to happen in the process we opened up to each other which was a mistake it would have been cool maybe if we didn’t have a physical relationship but that was what happened. Now we are still dealing with the affects of having a physical relationship and that is why the feelings are still there. I think we have a chance to salvage our friendship without being involved the way we were before but its up to you and I.

Would lying be a part of building self-esteem?
How about cheating and sneaking around behind the family's back in order to have sexual pleasure? Is that self-esteem?

Pep [/qb][/QUOTE]
I did what I needed to do at the time. People often don't understand relationships that affair people have. I am not saying what I did was right. All of my encounters were not sexual either. We were very good friends, he had problems like I did. I will let you read an e-mail he sent me recently.

What we had was fun but no matter how you look at it the relationship was wrong. It was no ones fault it happened we both allowed it to happen in the process we opened up to each other which was a mistake it would have been cool maybe if we didn’t have a physical relationship but that was what happened. Now we are still dealing with the affects of having a physical relationship and that is why the feelings are still there. I think we have a chance to salvage our friendship without being involved the way we were before but its up to you and I. [/QB][/QUOTE]

F.M.,

A friend of mine and I were discussing a situation very similar to yours this past weekend. My friend is interested in a man who recently lost his W, she had been ill with cancer for several years.

But I had heard things about this man...he cheated on his W several times. So of course I am a bit worried about my friend becoming involved with him.

My friend has a brother who was in the same situation with a terminally ill W who lingered on for years. She eventually died. However my friend`s brother never chose to lookout side the M for comfort.

But he did discuss with his sister (my friend) what life was life with a spouse suffering from a serious longterm illness.

It was HARD. His W could not only not meet his needs but the illness also changed her. Because she was so ill she was quite frequently in a bad mood. She was not the same person that he married.

Under this type of circumstance I guess a case for A`s could be made however.....

You made a promise to your H...to your family...to God... and to yourself...to stand by this man in sickness and in health.

You are going through a very bad time right now...no one here will deny that...

But do you understand that the choices that you have made cannot and will not help the situation...not for your H...not for your children and especially not for YOU.

I am sure that you are not happy right now...correct?

I assume you are feeling guilt, hopelessness and despair. You don`t know what could make you happy and at peace with yourself. Is this correct?

I am not going to condemn you for your actions. You have a tough row to hoe.

But I am also assuming that you would like to change the situation otherwise you would not be here.

I think you know that your H did not ask for this illness. His sickness is NOT his fault. And he needs you now...he needs more love and support that your average spouse. You need to love him as is...even though he cannot meet YOUR needs right now...even though he may not always be pleasant to live with.

The key to loving someone is to BEHAVE like you love them. Love is a verb...the actions follow the feelings. It doesn`t matter if your H can meet your needs or not...if you are meeting his then YOU will feel love towards him.

That`s the way that love between spouses works. It`s not having needs met that creates love for a spouse...it`s meeting THEIR needs.

The OM has to go...and no more OM`s should fill his shoes. Having an A is the MOST unloving thing a person can do.

If you want to repair your M you must behave like you love your H. And if you do this then the feelings will follow.

And doing this will help YOU to feel better about yourself.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Daisy37:
[QB] F.M.,

It was HARD. His W could not only not meet his needs but the illness also changed her. Because she was so ill she was quite frequently in a bad mood. She was not the same person that he married.

We have no problems physically with our marriage, his illness never affected that. He also has cheated on me in the past and has brought back things to prove it. He has never admited to that but I know for a fact what I was doing at 2 am in the morning so what was he doing. The point I am trying to make here is it's no one's fault it happen, it just did. But there are little things that make me dislike him. He doesn't try, he's not responsible for life matters and he doesn't really seem to be heading in the same direction I am. All I want him to do is try but I feel I shouldn't have to keep motivating him day after day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
<strong>
We have no problems physically with our marriage, his illness never affected that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SF is not the only important need in the M...so is financial support. And having that need met is VERY important for most wives. It`s hard to respect an H that cannot fufill that one.

I am assuming that your H cannot meet that need right now because of his illness which is not his fault.

I think it`s perfectly understandable that he is not heading in the same life direction as you...you`re not seriously ill. I don`t know how a person with a longterm serious illness can look ahead to the future. Just getting by day to day maybe all he can focus on right now.

I think it`s also possible that he may be depressed. I think most people in his situation would be. Has he been checked for this?

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</small>

I think it`s also possible that he may be depressed. I think most people in his situation would be. Has he been checked for this? [/QB][/QUOTE]

He says he is depressed all the time and he wants counseling. I am just wondering when he will stop talking about it and do something about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
He says he is depressed all the time and he wants counseling. I am just wondering when he will stop talking about it and do something about it. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H may be so far in a dark funk that he needs your help here. Could you check around or perhaps have a word with one of the doctors already treating him?

Your H definitely needs some help.

When my friend and I were discussing her brother`s W I was imagining myself in her shoes. How would it feel for ME to know that I was seriously/terminally ill?

I think the only thing that would make that situation bearable for me would be to be surrounded by people who loved me and cared for me.

I am wondering...have you imagined what it would be like for you if the roles were reversed? How would YOU want to be treated? What would you want people to do for you?

Faithful follwer when I said F.M should love herself first. I meant that if she did she wouldn't need to seek out her needs from someone else. (hence the OM. In no way did I mean for her to put herself first. If you read my previous posts. #1 is the kids, she made a vow to her husband and should definatly do all she can for her marriage, but I also noticed that she doesn't want to be alone and raise the kids by herself. If she loved herself enough then she could be alone. She would see that she doesn't need any man to make her feel whole, and she can do it alone. That is what I meant.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The point I am trying to make here is it's no one's fault it happen, it just did </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is like the 3rd time I've read this statement in your posts.

Maybe we need to redefine FAULT.

Is having an affair an accident ?
Is having an affair something forced upon you ?
Is having an affair justified ?

I'm thinking you'd answer yes, to 2 of the 3 questions asked..which really indicates your detachment of the situation.

You also made it a point to say People don't understand what goes on with people in affairs ? Might I add, that people in affairs don't really seem to care about what other people think ? People who have affairs really have no idea the pain, deciet, and betrayal that they are putting the spouse and family through.

Life is about choices, decisions, unless forced against your will, everyone has complete control over what choices they make.

I'm getting inclinations about the way this thread is going, and it's making me terrible uncomfortable.

Someone else pointed out the me, me, me attitude, and it's starting to become more and more clear.

You need lots of love and attention ?

I've never read what your husband's needs were, what your children's needs were. Isn't that odd ?