Hey, I don't think you're crazy!!!!

But you are staying in a marriage, that is your choice, so why the heck not try to make it better? Don't be a martyr!

NOW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by NotOnlyWords:
<strong> Hey, I don't think you're crazy!!!!

But you are staying in a marriage, that is your choice, so why the heck not try to make it better? Don't be a martyr!

NOW </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I often feel like the affair was stupid, it should have never happen so move on and work on your marriage. I just wish my mind could stay that way. It does for a little while, then what happens, the phone rings, I don't pick up, he leaves a message saying he wants to see how I'm doing. I told him I am going to stay with my husband, he laughs at me and says okay we can just be friends, then my mind starts to drift again about how much I miss him and wish I was with him. It's hard to stay focus on my marriage.

I'm sure you'll hear this from the "real" guru's here but here's my attempt.

If you have any hope of saving this marriage you have got to end all contact with OM. That means absolutely no contact whatsoever.

Tell him you never want to talk to him again and change your phone number if you have to.

I don't recall if your H knows about the A or not. If he does I'm sure he'll back up your wishes for no contact and let you take whatever steps necessary. If you haven't told him you may want to consider that as the first step.

Bottom line... You marriage cannot work with another person involved in it. Its just between you and your husband. Then get your butts into marriage counselling and try to fix the problems in your marriage.

Miker

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

I know, it is really hard...in the beginning, to stay focused on your marriage. I, too, went back and forth, back and forth...even when there was no contact at all with OM. I had to take it one day at a time. I had to remember, EVERY DAY, why I was doing this. I only had to get through THIS DAY with NO CONTACT . Then the next day, I started all over again. It wasn't easy, I felt HORRIBLE, but I did it! And you know, it got a little bit easier each week that went by. I didn't do it gracefully, but I did it. That's what matters. I think, too, that I had to "get over" OM to a certain degree before I could even really try to work on my marriage again. I kept telling myself "I know it sucks now, but it WILL get better."
The feelings you are feeling are normal, the struggles you are having are to be expected, and so so many people have gone through the same thing as you. Don't beat yourself up about the "roller-coaster" in your mind, and don't make the mistake of thinking that means you don't belong with your husband, or that you're doing something "wrong".
You know, if I had to go through this when I was your age, I think it would have been harder in some respects. Age gives you perspective, sometimes. (I'm 42!)

You don't have to go through this alone....stick around!

NOW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
[ You can only judge me by what I tell you. Of course you pick what you choose to comment on like knowing my husband is Ill, yes he is but he gets support(i.e. finanical, emotional, and other ways from his family. Which goes directly towards him, no help for me. He gets SSI benefits and smokes weed with them... [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay so here is another layer of the problem...

I`m not a medical expert but I am an expert on life with a pot addict.

My H is one...or should I say a recovering one.

I know nothing about kidney failure but I do know that pot can be a powerful pain killer. I know a few people with various medical issues who use pot to dull the pain.

Is pain an issue for your H? Does his doctor know he smokes pot and if so what does he think of it?

While I have heard that pot can be useful for some medical conditions I have never heard of it used for kidney failure. Do you think your H uses pot to dull the emotional pain?

That`s what my H used pot for.

The addiction if not medically sanctioned will be another issue for you to deal with.

Go over to the Welcome section of the Emotional Needs board and read the welcome thread. There you will find links to sites about various addictions. Also look up what the Harley have to say about addictions in a M here on MB.

You need to deal with this before anything else.

A person behaves in loving manners in many different ways. From small things like bringing your mate coffee in bed, giving them a big kiss before you/they go out the door each day, taking the time to plan special SF...ect...

To big things....such as remaining faithful or a return to being faithful.

If your H is in fact a addict that would explain much of his behaviour. Addicts are difficult, apathetic and hard to get moving.

I understand your frustration dealing with all of this and probablly the last thing you feel like doing is to act lovingly right now. It`s very hard to love an addict.

But it`s not impossible.

Talk to his doctors, get info on addictions and have some faith.

I think you can improve the situation a great deal here if you decide to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
<strong>

what I did find strange was the correlation between not having the EN met, and feeling less feminine ?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do understand this. When my H was in his pot addiction deep I had to do just about everything...

I took on roles that I felt were not mine to take and it left me feeling like I had no time left to be a W. I felt like a Mommy and not a wife.

And I felt like the wife part of me was of little or no value to my H.

I didn`t feel like me anymore.

I took on roles that I felt were not mine to take and it left me feeling like I had no time left to be a W. I felt like a Mommy and not a wife.

And I felt like the wife part of me was of little or no value to my H.

I didn`t feel like me anymore. [/QB][/QUOTE]

That's everyday for me. I have been trying to play two roles for so long. I can't even cry. I asked my husband WHAT IS MY ROLE, what do you want me to do. He says be a better mother, be a better wife!!! Fine I'll try while I try to be the best at work, try to be the best student, try to pay all the bills on time, in the process don't take anytime for myself. Is there something wrong with being tired. If I died from all this work and stress what will my babies have then???

F.M.,

Does your H care for the children or the home while you are at work?

What does he do all day?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Daisy37:
<strong> F.M.,

Does your H care for the children or the home while you are at work?

What does he do all day? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds real good doesn't it. Nope!!!
I told him it would help the family a great deal if he could watch the children so we could save money instead of daycares. I offer to pay him to watch the kids. He comes up with all the excuses in the book. I know the real truth is he hasn't work for so long he is comfortable with everybody being gone during the day so he can sleep and watch TV all day. It's really sad.

Is he in constant physical pain?

Does he have the energy to watch the kids or help around the house?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Daisy37:
<strong> Is he in constant physical pain?

Does he have the energy to watch the kids or help around the house? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't look like it and he doesn't act like it.
He use to leave as soon as I got home from work and wouldn't return until the next day.
I tried to come up with a plan so that we could switch roles persay because he wasn't working.
But he seems to resent the fact that I am telling him what to do.
I'm not. When I was at home on maternity leave he expected the house to be clean and the dinner done. Since he's at home now, why can't he do that. Is it because it's not a man's job??????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I offer to pay him to watch the kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG...you don't live in NY do you ? Because let me tell you...this sounds awfully familiar to me. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were by good friend. A friend I've stuck by for 26 years. She started off RIGHT where you are now.

If you're interested in how this story ends... I'll let you know...but it ain't good.

You have 3 different issues to deal with that I see.

First of all.... you were having an exit affair. You were looking for a way OUT of this mess. Who can blame you ? For wanting out...NOT having the affair...I know it seemed like a life preserver...but it's not really. Take the high road.

You are NOT destined to live like this.

Let me tell you a little more about your H that nobody is reading...of course I don't know YOU or your H..but since the story is so identical to my friends...I'm gonna give this a whirl...

At one point your H had a different addiction..possibly alchohol. The pot smoking isn't about pain...it's a lifestyle.

He wasn't working a steady job BEFORE he was diagnosed. He's selfish, probably never changed a diaper, God forbid got up in the middle of the night for a baby feeding.

He doesn't clean house, cook meals, or do his own laundry, much less anyone elses.

He's never managed to buy as much as a pack of diapers for ANY of your children.

He feels "ill" whenever you need him to do something, but has a very active social life. Somehow he manages enough strength to go hang out with his friends.

If ANY of this sounds like your life...you need to start really looking at this issue.

Because like I said...I can tell you how this is turning out for MY best friend...it's been 17 years of this mess. Just let me know if you want the rest of the story.

I hope I'm wrong...I hope your H ISN'T like what I just wrote... please post back.

This is why it's important to really start working through things.

At first...your post looked like a selfish kid who was cheating on her terminally ill husband. Things are starting to become clearer now.

Thank you for clarifying...we'll help you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by F.M.:
<strong>I just want people to understand that some people got married to young for the wrong reasons, had children out of sex and that's it without realizing what they were doing. I owned up to that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You owned up to doing this but you are NOT owning up to actually doing it.
YOU need to take responsibility for your actions.

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

It does for a little while, then what happens, the phone rings, I don't pick up, he leaves a message saying he wants to see how I'm doing. I told him I am going to stay with my husband, he laughs at me and says okay we can just be friends, then my mind starts to drift again about how much I miss him and wish I was with him. It's hard to stay focus on my marriage.
You want to focus on your marriage and when he contacts you, you lose that focus.
You need to end ALL contact with thim (tell him NOT to contact you at all, even "to see how you are doing".

[QUOTE]Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
At one point your H had a different addiction..possibly alchohol. The pot smoking isn't about pain...it's a lifestyle.

He wasn't working a steady job BEFORE he was diagnosed. He's selfish, God forbid got up in the middle of the night for a baby feeding.

He doesn't clean house, cook meals, or do his own laundry, much less anyone elses.

He feels "ill" whenever you need him to do something, but has a very active social life. Somehow he manages enough strength to go hang out with his friends.

If ANY of this sounds like your life...you need to start really looking at this issue.

I want to hear how the story ends and everything I left in your quote is true. It is so funny you said this because he just called sounding very pleasant. He asked me if I had anything to do tonight. I said No, Hung up the phone and called back and ask Why did you ask me that. Of course he wants to go out. I asked why don't you go out now you're not doing anything so I won't be alone with the kids. The answer is so funny I had to tell you He said "My friends are all at work" I laughed and hung up the phone.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
[QB] It does for a little while, then what happens, the phone rings, I don't pick up, he leaves a message saying he wants to see how I'm doing. I told him I am going to stay with my husband, he laughs at me and says okay we can just be friends, then my mind starts to drift again about how much I miss him and wish I was with him. It's hard to stay focus on my marriage.
You want to focus on your marriage and when he contacts you, you lose that focus.

I understand what your saying, I really do. But one person can't work on a marriage alone. I actually didn't want to stop the affair because I got what I needed from my husband from the OM. About a month ago I got serious, start being nice
and working on my marriage. It seem like he said great now the relationship is over she's back in the house now, I can do what I want. How can I try with this?

YOU need to take responsibility for your actions. [/QB][/QUOTE]

What am I not taking responsibility for Chris???

YOU need to take responsibility for your actions. [/QB][/QUOTE]

What am I not taking responsibility for Chris??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

But one person can't work on a marriage alone.
I'm confused?
Who is the one person working on the marriage now?

About a month ago I got serious, start being nice and working on my marriage.
While still maintaining (at least some) contact with lover boy, right?

It seem like he said great now the relationship is over she's back in the house now, I can do what I want. How can I try with this?
Until you get out of the affair and not keep as an escape, you are NOT going to give your all to the marriage.
If you are going to get out of the marriage, then get out of it. But don't do it because there is something "better" waiting in the wings.

Do you want the condensed version of where her life is NOW..or a brief summary of how one thing led to another ?

I'm going to drive home from work now...and I'll put together something when I get to my house.

You will not be happy with the outcome....or how it's negatively effected her life, her children...etc.

I also just emailed her something that I will also include.

We're talking 17 years here. That's half her life right now.

Be back in a bit.