</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to address the comments about my wife loving "the real me". She does love the real me. A few visits to a massage parlor does not define who I am. I have rationalized it in my mind as something that's not a big deal. It was something that was necessary in my life for me to "wake up" to what's going on in my marriage. Call me psychopathic. Perhaps I am. I don't care. It's what I've decided. It's a decision that will keep our marriage together, and myself sane. (emphasis added by FH)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A few visits to a massage parlor does not define who I am.
Doesn't define who you are? Of course it does, as does most of your rationalizations and "choices." You are a selfish, self-oriented, self-indulgent person. That IS you. Until, and in your case "IF," you can put "self" second and be more concerned about someone else, you will continue to make all decisions from a perspective of what YOU want and what you think is best for you at any given moment. You have no idea what "Servanthood" in marriage is, much less what it is all about.
Your "brand" of selfishness and rationalization is called Moral Relativism and that is what you embrace, even if you don't know it, as your "faith."
I have rationalized it in my mind as something that's not a big deal.
Of course it wasn't a "big deal." Your wife would never find out about it or your selfishness, would she? Even if she did, it wouldn't hurt her, would it? Just about every single Adulterous Spouse (WS here on MB) uses "rationalization" and "justfication" to twist truth into lie in order to indulge their selfish and destructive behavior. Do you really think that what you are saying is anything new or hasn't been heard many times before?
It was something that was necessary in my life for me to "wake up" to what's going on in my marriage. Call me psychopathic. Perhaps I am. I don't care.
Now you may be learning something about your marriage from this experience, which is good. But your statement "I don't care" negates virtually all of that learning. Adultery was not, and never was "necessary" for you to learn anything about what's been going on in your marriage or to satsify any of your rationalizations. What was needed was open and honest communication with your wife. It wasn't there, obviously, and it won't be there by your own admission. SECRECY and deception will reign in your marriage. DISRESPECTFUL judgments will be "main course." Just how do you propose to "Affair Proof" your marriage from future "rationalizations" that your wife will never be told about?
It's what I've decided.
That is precisely the point, Mindsink. It's always been about what YOU decide, and then you dream up rationalizations to "justify" your selfish choices. True to your "character," but not much of a marital partner, imho.
Understand that one of the concepts of MB is that of the Policy of Joint Agreement. You, with that one sentence, have made it clear that you never intend to adhere to a fundamental building block of a solid and loving marriage. In essence what POJA means is that NO Major Decisions are made unilaterally. You are MARRIED. The choices are no longer only your, or your wife's. They are JOINT. Unless there is Enthusiastic Agreement by BOTH of you regarding what is under discussion, it does NOT get done.
Infidelity, and staying married to an Adulterer is NOT a unilateral decision that can be made solely by the Adulterer. These are not "minor" choices, they are MAJOR choices that profoundly affect BOTH of you. YOU already CHOSE. Now it is your wife's turn.
YES, Mindsink, she CAN leave you. That is her RIGHT. You already chose to leave her and end the marriage. NOW you are scared that she might choose the same course. That fear, while real and possibly accurate, is YOUR fear but it has no weight in your trying to "decide" for your wife. It's unfortunate, but you are simply trying to "escape" the consequences of adultery. You can't, but you don't see that yet. You can try to "sweep it under the rug" but it will still be there and it will be waiting for someone, anyone, to move the corner of the rug and expose it sometime in the future.
You can keep sweeping it under the rug for years, but it will be there. YOU will know it is there. It will come between you and your wife because your "marriage" will be built on lies. Your will NOT be married to the "real you." She will not have had the chance to make that choice for herself. The "real you" will be the liar and cheat who continues to live a lie with her.
Since you like analogies, try this one on for size. You bought a house from someone you trusted. That person, unbeknownst to you, had "fallen in love" with termites and brought them into what was then "his house." He chose, then later decided he liked the house and really didn't want the termites to destroy the house, so he chose to try to exterminate them himself (didn't want to call in a professsional because then everyone would know what a "stupid" thing he had done).
Now he has sold you, his trusted friend, the house. He has NOT told you about his previous "love affair" or his self-appointed decision to end the termites all on his own, secretely, so no one else would ever know. Oh yes, he was successful. He did kill off a LOT of the termites. But the remnants were still there and breeding in secret. They were still in the house. Years later, as you are sitting comfortably in your living room, the house begins to creak and shake. Before long, it comes crashing down around you. Why?
Lack of honesty and lack of taking the tough and difficult road "way back when." Lies. Deception. Fear. Your friend destroyed the house when he first let the termites in. His pathetic attempts to fix it and "save the house" without full confession, full repentance, and the assistance of Professionals, made the inevitable destruction a certainty. Then he compounded the problem by lying, by omission, to you. "What you, as the buyer of his house, didn't know, wouldn't hurt you." Riggghhhhttt.....you MAY have not bought the house. You may have chosen to buy it anyway and call in a Professional to make sure that whatever was needed to save and protect the house would be done.
But the point is: YOU deserved the RIGHT to make that choice for yourself. Your friend had no right to make that choice for you from his selfish position.
Mindsink, you CHOSE to end your marriage. NOW it is your wife's right to CHOOSE to end it or try to rebuild it. But without the facts, she can't. Your disrespectful judgment and your rationalization reduce her "opinion" and "desires" to "unimportant" because she might have the "temerity" to end your marriage.
That IS one possible consequence of adultery. But that right is hers, NOT yours.
I severely doubt that you will see, much less understand and change your beliefs, on this. So this will be my last post to you. I posted on Page 1 and this will be on Page 13. This charade has gone on long enough.
Moral Relativism. Secular Humanism. Selfishness and Self-Interest. What wonderful "faiths" to build a lasting, loving, relationship on.
Good luck. May you find the love of God someday and understand what YOU have been forgiven when you repent and what God already sacrificed for you, even while you were still so self-centered and sinful.
