NICKO--She told me to step back after she wrote the post that was never written!!! I was going to step back after that "post!!

Obviouisly I want to stay married!! Otherwise I would not ask for advice,!!

Thanks for.................nothing!

MYRTA

Oh dear.I don't think I have seen so much hostility between people since I have been here.It's truly sad.

Stan,

From your posts it seems to me that you are trying to connect emotionally with Myrta in the only way that may be working for you right now,at least in your own mind.In refusing you sex she is refusing you this intimacy and you are craving it.You are trying to reclaim what was once yours but that's not possible in the way it used to be because as JL said,you are two very different people now,who have gone through some tremendous changes.There and must be other ways to be close to Myrta and you both need to work on that.You are both overly sensitive to each other because you are not working out the issues you need to in the proper way with proper and respectful dialogue and so you don't feel the other is hearing you and so you blast away.

Myrta,

You are so angry that you have lost sight of the big picture here.If you want to be married to Stan and make your marriage work and prevent your children from becoming the next stats for divorce,you also need to calm down and start working on the marriage WITH COUNSELING so you will have a plan for repair that includes and addresses BOTH your needs,feelings,desires and fears.

We could go on all day with this hearing from each and every MB memeber that ever joined but that's not going to fix what is wrong.This has only become one big vent fest and nothing is changing for you both,for the better.Like the other's have encouraged,professional counseling is your hope.You both are not doing a good job at making any headway based on what you have been posting these days.

You have the power to make this marriage what you both want if you get help and be openminded and respectful of one another instead of all this anger.You both have valid points and concerns that you should be able to work together on.

O

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

JL and others:

The points are well taken and I have heard some of them before.

We have not done MC and mostly depend on our conversations and posting on MB. To make things worse we tend to play many of these issues by ear. I will admit that at this point I am probably the major stumbling block because I am stuck in this vicious circle of only feeling better when I received SF, I also suffer from the syndrome of having too much pride and it takes me forever to accept these things and if I do then I go into the roller coaster and go down again.

Bob:

My wife was also hypersexual immediately after d-day, but it only lasted one month, not three months. She then got depressed and lost her libido. I still think she is not back to normal, but clearly much improved. She is highly sensitive to pressure and stress and thru the years I have known she can only have SF when truly relaxed. The affair is stressful and like all FWWs she wants it to go away.

Myrta is very sexual and her affair was mostly about SF and receiving the EN of admiration. I was providing the SF fairly well, but not the admiration. She also felt that the routine of a 30 year old marriage was too boring and most of all she enjoyed the fantasy and excitement of the affair. In any event regardless of the initial mechanism she fell for OM because all the necessary ingredients were in place. Nevertheless she never intended a life with OM and had no intention whatsoever to leave the marriage. I guess she was a cake eater and happy with two men taking care of the ENs. Once the affair was discovered it was a no brainier for her to leave OM. She also realized I could easily cover the ENs OM was providing, but OM could never cover the ones I provided. In other words I can also do SF and admiration. However, OM could never do the other ones.

Maybe the two of us are drama queens and enjoy the fighting to make up later. We tend to fear old age and act immaturely as a compensatory mechanism.

October and Niko (great singer):

I believe we would be farther ahead if we talked more and if my wife would give me more reassurance. The affair tends to make the BH insecure. Trust me on this one. I was the most secure and confident man on the planet. However, an affair can really rob your confidence. My wife is very loving and affectionate all the time. The problem is that we do not talk a lot and I interpret the cuddling as a come on for SF. If she was more reassuring things would be better. I also understand that giving reassurance feels strange to her because she never had to do this before and because in her head there is no need for it. The problem is that the BH needs this reassurance 24/7 to get thru the grief of the affair. I know I use SF as reassurance, but I understand that reassurance can be obtained differently and reserve SF for more special occasions.

Thanks to all

BTW, venting feels good and in the end there is some forward movement.

Stanley and Myrta - You two are going to do just fine. I can feel it. Please talk to the Harleys or Cerri. The phone counseling is expensive, but usually a few sessions (and following the advice) can sort this out.

You two are going through the normal recovery stuff. Why not get a plan, and some support from the experts?

BELIEVER- You always sound so calm and level headed. Thank you so much for your continuous suppor to us. You are a really good and loving person.
Were where you? I had not seen you post in a while! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Take care of yourself!! Hugs to you!

MYRTA

Myrta - Been extremely busy, but I do read most of the things here. Hang in there, you can do this!

Big hugs to you Myrta & Stan

you two really are in the normal rollercoaster recovery thats for sure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Still think you need the MC to throw these ideas around with though!!
Of course BOTH really need to go DONT THEY AUSSIE [& STAN] to get some really good benefit out of it.

Love to you guys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

PS M will email you soon ..hugs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

AW--Thank you for your post!! For sure this is a roller coaster, one of the worst one I had ever been, but standing still. It seems some days that you are going to have a heart attack from the emotions of this "ride", but some others its a smooth one.
But you are right, its just a ride, long and painful, but I think we will survive it!!

Thank you....I hope to get an e-mail from you soon, with more pics!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hugs to you and Aussie!!

MYRTA