</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've a sincere question for you ladies. If you love your husband as you say you do, what is wrong with SF every day/night? Why so much resentment?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I counter:

If you love your wife as you say you do, what is wrong with flowers or love notes every day? What is wrong with a foot massage? Or soft kisses with no expectations of SF? Why so much resentment?


RAG..I do not want to paint all women with the same brush, but most women need a connection to be very enthusiastic about SF. I LOVE sex!! But do I feel like having it every night? No! Sometimes I want it several times a day...sometimes I can go a couple of weeks without wanting it.

I'm an advocate for "duty sex", but if a man isn't trying to connect with me in other ways, it will end up being duty sex all the time..and that leads to resentment on both sides.

Think physiology here too. Women can be quite tender "down there". Even if sex is gentle, it can be uncomfortable for unexplained reasons. Then there are hormones. Then there is just life in general. Sex seems to relieve stress for many men...but i know that for myself...stress inhibits me wanting to have sex.

Throw an infidelity into the mix...on either side and that just complicates matters a whole lot more. I feel that your statement was pretty simplistic and assumed a lot of things that are not true.

Ewwww RAG....did you get your flack jacket on yet??? Batton down the hatches, it's gonna be a stormy one!! LOL

SF everynight....hmmmmmm. Well right now when I'm not getting any, everynight sounds fantastic, but in reality, there are so many things on a womans mind that she can't possibly unwind and enjoy SF EVERY night...c'mon now. It is an unrealistic expectation to want sex EVERY night. Maddy is right, it's more complicated for women...it takes a different set of circumstances to get us in the mood. (Operative words "in the mood") Please tell me you're not suggesting that women have sex with their H's just because the H wants it.

My reply is fairly sedate, I don't think other replies will be.....so good luck on that one LMAO

-Caren

I have a suggestion.

There's a good book on this very subject:

"Men are from Mars; Women from Venus in the Bedroom

Gray describes the terms: fast food sex vs gourmet sex

I'll leave it at that so that the censors do not descend upon me.

Mac <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi, maddyk.

I think you will find that there are actually a lot of normal couples that do have sex every day. That may only occur in good relationships, but they are certainly out there.

The keyword here is 'normal'. I would define a normal relationship as one where the couple has worked out their preferences, and neither partner has total control of the sexual part of the relationship.

For what it is worth, you can add my wife and me to the has-sex-daily count. We are both 49 years old.

Gimble

Do you guys have children at home still?.

I have no desire to have SF everyday, especially with a fulltime job and child. I think for me it would become a chore if it was that often. It's different when on vacation or a long weekend.

I do agree with Maddy about being "tender" down there sometimes...and the hormonal influences.

I do think it is important to be matched in that area though, or major resentments seem to result.

But more power to ya, especially at your ages!

That books sounds good Mac, might pick it up. But I'm not even dating anyone yet, so on second thought maybe I'll wait. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Gimble..I don't deny that there are lots of couples who have daily sex. But I propose that it's not abnormal to not have daily sex.

Like I said, there are some days I want it several times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But RAG's comment...brought back those dating days....boyfriends..."If you really loved me..."

Also, there are men..yes, they're out there, who do not want sex every day either.

Gimble, you're right in that the couple has to be on the same page when it comes to sex. RAG's comment seems to imply that sex is in its own little box...compartmentalized...not thinking about what things might affect libido or desire to have sex.

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

No children at home, weaver. We still did it when there was, but it was a bit more utilitarian at times :-)

I only spoke up on the thread because I wanted to defend people with higher sex drives. There really are a bunch of us out here, and we are mostly normal as a group ;-)

And 49 is not old! My wife and I may slow down a tad at 70, maybe....

From the inside looking out, I still feel like I am 25.

As for soreness, unless you are into some serious sexual athletics, your parts get used to it :-)

All the best,
Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've a sincere question for you ladies. If you love your husband as you say you do, what is wrong with SF every day/night? Why so much resentment?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO resentment. Nada.

If H wants sex every day he might put "the moves" on me .... and I will probably NOT be *ahem* ready .... but with a little coaxing and teasing and effort and persistance on HIS part ... I usually suddenly find myself giggling, and voila' ... *interested*.

AND (important part) if I do NOT find myself interested, I say "No thank you. Tomorrow?" .... and H feels NO resentment for the rain check. Nada.

Resentment swings both ways.

I think daily sex is probably healthy for a couple. And, after menopause, daily, or near daily sex keeps the female genetalia MUCH younger. (trust me, I've done thousands of paps, and I can *see* the difference)

So.... daily requests for sex? I say "Right on brother!" ... keep resentment out of the bedroom .... it is a desire-killer.

Pep

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please tell me you're not suggesting that women have sex with their H's just because the H wants it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I fundamentally disagree with your concept here Caren.

If the man you love wants sex because he loves to feel close with you ... it is a very loving thing to do this "just because he wants it?" = YES "Just because you love him".

Assuming this is a healthy and mutually loving marriage we are talking about (AKA no-adultery going on)

Pep

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

One other interesting tidbit.

Asymmetry of sex drives is not limited to relationships where the male has the higher sex drive. While there are no official numbers (that I am aware of), observation would indicate that in at least 40+ percent of relationships, the female partner has the higher sex drive.

It would seem that there are almost as many men saying "not tonight honey" as the ladies.

One of the biggest problems seen in others relationships, is the inability of the couple to recognize differences in their drives, and actually do something about it. It is assumed that the lower drive partner has all the 'control' over the sexual health of the relationship. That single wrong assumption has been the downfall of many marriages.

Gimble

Sex???? Hmmmmmmm.....I forgot what that was!!!!

Hmm...another interesting thought, though this probably doesn't have much to do with the actual emotion behind libido.

Physiology of an orgasm is a thought too. I know I have MUCH more powerful orgasms when I've been without for awhile. I'm not sure if it's the same for a man or not. The trick is in negotiating something that pleases you both.

I think POJA and compromise has to be implemented in this issue.Having "duty" sex or giving in when one does not feel up to pleasing a partner this way can lead to resentment,like someone else mentioned.It may work here and there but for someone who wants it every night ,I would probably start avoiding the person to some degree,even if it's my own H.

I don't like to feel pressured into something I am not emotionally feeling and as one Psychologist said: " A woman's sexuality isn't between her legs,it's between her ears".If I am stressed out from work,or the kids are sick and need me or my H just cannot get me in the mood(or get myself in the mood <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I would not want to feel guilty that I could not perform just for the sake of my H.

I think it's a slippery slope when you start doing things JUST to please your partner.What if your S wants you to start viewing porn because it pleases HIM? Do I do it just because I love him? Heck no,not IMO.That is one subject I will not compromise on and it would probably lead to MC.

I agree with Gimble in that a healthy sexual relationship is one in which there is a mutual understanding of one another's needs and the spouses do their best to fill those needs where no one is feeling forced into a situation they are not comfortable with.Some spouses may have to do without the every night scenario while other's may need to kick it up a notch and have sex more than once a week,etc,etc.

Well,I haven't had sex for 10 months now,thanks to my philandering H,and it makes me realize that I do miss that "connection.SIGH..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Ho hum

O

Maddy-

I agree, if it's been a few days I enjoy it more, not sure why that is, although I do not necessarily have to have the big "o" everytime. Sometimes I just enjoy the closeness.

I could have sex everyday right now, but that may have something to do with it not being readily available anytime I want it...or that I'm pushing 40, not sure.

-Caren

I think POJA and compromise has to be implemented in this issue.Having "duty" conversations or giving in when one does not feel up to conversations a partner this way can lead to resentment,like someone else mentioned.It may work here and there but for someone who wants conversation every night ,I would probably start avoiding the person to some degree,even if it's my own H.

I don't like to feel pressured into conversation when I am not emotionally feeling and as one Psychologist said: " A woman's conversatiuon isn't between her lips,it's between her ears".If I am stressed out from work,or the kids are sick and need me or my H just cannot get me in the mood(or get myself in the mood <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) for conversation I would not want to feel guilty that I could not perform conversationjust for the sake of my H.

I think it's a slippery slope when you start doing things like having conversations JUST to please your partner.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If your main way of feeling close to your spouse is conversation .... and your spouse refused to have conversation just because YOU need it too often .... how *loving* is your spouse being? How willing is your spouse to meet your emotional need for conversation every day of your marriage?

Or, if you like, change all the bold words so that we are discussing affection.

This thread is about being willing to meet our spouses legitimate emotional needs ... and SF is a legitimate emotional need.

I think bringing "porn" into the discussion of a legitimate emotional needs of a husband to feel the closest he possibly can with his wife by being inside her is ... sexist pseudo feminist nonsense!

Pep
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So.... daily requests for sex? I say "Right on brother!" ... keep resentment out of the bedroom .... it is a desire-killer.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the man you love wants sex because he loves to feel close with you ... it is a very loving thing to do this "just because he wants it?" = YES "Just because you love him".
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your main way of feeling close to your spouse is conversation .... and your spouse refused to have conversation just because YOU need it too often .... how *loving* is your spouse being? How willing is your spouse to meet your emotional need for conversation every day of your marriage?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This thread is about being willing to meet our spouses legitimate emotional needs ... and SF is a legitimate emotional need.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

.

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

PEP,

Ok,consider the porn issue a bad example on my part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Let's look at Physical Attractiveness.My WH mentioned in the EN Q that he wanted me to wear high heels more.I am fairly certain this new found "need" was because the homewrecker dresses a certain way(seen pictures).Now,this "need" he has,whether it's truly legitimate or not,is one I could not fulfill regulary since I have a bad lower back pain issue.Where do I draw the line if he is expecting me to wear these types of shoes every time we would go out? Do I just suck up the pain and take painkillers just because I love him? Or is there a POJA and compromise?

I agree the Sexual Intimacy is a legitimate need but the idea behind my example was that no one should be forced into accomodating a "need" or desire,what have you,if there is no mutual agreement about it and it's one sided.

I think in any marriage you have to be willing to please each other and meet needs,of course,BUT there has to also be an understanding of ones LIMITS and boundaries and if they clash with what the other persons' NEEDS are then more discussion and compromise needs to take place.Even if the main way my S feels initmate/close with me is conversation it is disrespectful if I am expected to keep talking all day long and not have my "alone time" that *I* need.If my H didn't allow me this time alone that I need,I would feel pressured.

Word of the day: compromise

O

Maddyk,

Thanks for starting this thread! I don't think that RAG addressed my post in Myrta's thread, when he was asking us all about nightly sex. Hmm... He usually responds so quickly!

Everyone's input here has been a very intesting read. I agree with Pep that you both have to mutually be in agreement.

I think that many middle-age men HAVE to keep in mind that when women approach the age of 40+ (depending on each individual person!), our bodies start to change. Some of us don't want sex as much because of these changes. Some of us want it more. Depends on what changes we're going through.

I haven't wanted it as much in the past year and a half, solely due to the fallout of my A, and my own depression. Sex for me is a happy fulfillment. Something I want when I'm in a good, normal place in my head. My H has been patient and loving and it makes me want to have sex with him again. I'd never respond out of any duty--that just won't cut it for me. It won't get my juices flowing or make me want him! It would make me eventually resent him. Besides that, how could he want me just to give him SF for his own needs, if I'm not getting anything out of it?? That's perplexing. I'd feel like a whore. I want to FEEL the love before we get into bed together. I want to WANT to give him and myself SF. That's when the marriage is getting better, IMO.

As far as someone mentioning the big "o", I could go on and on about that subject. I've been blessed enough with a "gift" if you will. I've had the big "o" 99.9% of the time. There have only been a handful of times (actually only a few!) when I couldn't achieve that. Besides that, I can achieve that even without any physsical contact. I'm convinced that it's what's in your head that matters most! I've achieved it nearly every time with my H, so he knows that it's no big deal to get me going. I just have to WANT to have sex.

CC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he wanted me to wear high heels more.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bette Midler calls these her "Sophie Tucker" shoes.... My girlfriend and I refer to these as

~~~~ ducking for fear of moderator~~~~~

"Come F* Me"

shoes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could not fulfill regulary since I have a bad lower back pain issue.Where do I draw the line if he is expecting me to wear these types of shoes every time we would go out? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You wear them from the car to the restaurant, and visa versa. The "You're gonna like what comes for dessert" meals.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Buttercup:CC:
I'd never respond out of any duty--that just won't cut it for me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Change the word "duty" to ---> "desire to please my man who loves me and gives me soooo much every day of his life"...

and THEN you go somewhere NEW in your marriage.

Pep