My WW just called me, I didn't think it was her so I answered the phone. I don't have a lot if interest in talking to her right now.

She told me she is having a bad day and that she feels alone in the world at times. (hard not to reply with a LB)

She had an early morning meeting today with all three of her offices combined. Her OM was at it as well and I guess he made a coment about a new agent in his office, she is a real looker. I guess my WW chimed in with , "someone new for you to chase" to which she got no response! Sucks to be her.

I am trying not to LB but she is throwing anything she can in my face.

According to her I hurt her this weekend with some of my words. I was honest with her and her OM,, she started the conversation about him, I told her it hurts even though in HER eye's we are seperated.

I told her my feelings for her do diminish at times as I am on a rollercoaster and I don't know whats up one day to the next.

This is what she says hurt her, she say's she is afraid to work on a R with me if my feelings diminish at times...

What the heck is up with this. Why is she feeding me this crap!!!

She is the most mean and hurtfull woman around right now.

She has me in tears all day today. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I want to choke the life out of her right now....

What do I care about how down she is...she left me and the kids and is worried about herself..

Hey...get a grip. I understand how you feel. I have been there. It is normal.

Why does she say these things? Why back and forth? Come on...you know the answer. She is reading straight from the WS Handbook. She still loves you...but she is addicted to the OM. Plain and simple. You should see interactions such as these as validation that your wife is the typical WS. Which means what? Can yo utell me?

It means that Plan A and Plan B are PERFECT for you. Which means if you keep it up, your wife may just be home before you know it.

Stop taking this stuff personally. If she was drunk and said things...would you take them personally? Or would yo uwait until she was sober to find out the truth? She is "drunk" with the OM. She has no idea what the truth is. As a matter of fact, any time she sees or hears the truth...it is painful for her and she wants to run from it.

Start seeing the truth in her statements. Get off the rollercoaster and stop taking everything personally. Sit back, listen...Plan A her...and then think about what she just said. What was truth? What was fogese? Come here for help o nthe harder ones.

When you take yourself out of the equation (as in pretend it isnt you she is talking about), you will see the folly in her statements and actions. And then, you will even be able to laugh at them (of course, not in front of her...that would be an LB).

You are right on track. Settle down and see where you are. The troops in Iraq had to start in Kuwait, and then proceed north over the next few weeks to reach Baghdad. It took as long as it took. If on Day 2, they had started complainging "why arent we in Baghdad?", it would have been a long few weeks.

You know your objective. You have your orders and your plans. You know by this website and by those that have gone thru this, about how long this all takes. So, understand that this "war" has just started, it has many battles still left. But you are prepared...you have a plan. She has no clue what she is doing.

So, hunker down and prepare yourself for the longhaul.

In His arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is what she says hurt her, she say's she is afraid to work on a R with me if my feelings diminish at times...

What the heck is up with this. Why is she feeding me this crap!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As said before, no point in trying to understand what they say but in this instance I think I do actually understand as my wife used to say similar things. I think what she is saying is that she sees that you have improved and made changes but she is afraid that it won't last - that you will revert to old ways.

This is, I think the last lap of Plan A and you need to give it all of the endurance that you can and that means, avoid R talk. Whatever you say will get twisted. Don't let her draw you into these conversations. There is nothing to discuss - she has made her decision. You don't have any magic words that are going to undo what she has decided and make it all better. Only she has the power to turn this around. You have done everything that you can.

Now, what you need to do is show strength and fearlessness even though I know that you're not fearless on the inside. The way that you conduct yourself now is what she will remember during Plan B. Keep the goal in mind.

This is probably of no comfort to you at all but I just want you to know that there are people out here who have been through all of this and lived to tell the tale.

Legato,

An A+ for decifering fogese. Alank, Legato is exactly right. And this is what you need to do. Learn to read between the lines here.

In His arms.

Mortarman, Legato


I know it's time to stop taking it so personaly.

I know this is all part of the plan.

I just that I have not felt this much pain or seen this much confusion and hurt in my kids at any point in my life.

I am trying hard not to LB as I know the back and forth and her flip flops are in the WS handbook. I was just not emotionaly ready for this day to come. I realy thought we would work it out at home.

I know I know....thats not how it works all the time, that is why we have more than one plan.
I guess I was feeling sorry for myself when this blew up.

I will stand fast for myself and my kids, and yes even thought I feel a crap load of anger, I still do love my W.

Thanks to all for the help, sorry if I act like a child at times. I am not very good at this.

Thanks for the 2x4's, they keep me on the right track.

Alank,

No one is very good at this!! Go back and look at my threads. I was downright horrible at times!! So, dont apologize to me. Two years ago, your posts were mine.

The 2x4s are great in that tey keep us in line. That's why we all come here. So when we head back out, we are ready for battle. So, dont feel sorry for coming here and venting. Keep venting. It is good for you.

But as you mature in this, you need to get to the point that you can vent...and then answer your own questions.

When you reach that point, then you will be fully in control.

Be strong for your kids. It is your wife hurting them. You cant protect them from everything. Just be strong. They will need a guide thru this...and you are all they got.

In His arms.

Nobody is good at this. Nobody should have to be good at it. But you, my friend, are doing really well.

Ask God to help you with the pain. He has the right "medicine" and it's free for the asking.

Thanks for the advice and support.

I know that God is walking through this with me, and I pray he has a hand on my WW's back guiding her in the direction as well.

I have had a few times, and I mean a few where I was aware of what you guy's would say before you said it.

I guess I look for vindication before I act and speak to ensure I am on the right track.

Thanks...

**I told her my feelings for her do diminish at times as I am on a rollercoaster and I don't know whats up one day to the next.

This is what she says hurt her, she say's she is afraid to work on a R with me if my feelings diminish at times...**

Fellas, I read this another way. First, I think we BS put way to much pressure on ourselves to change and that we are the reason the BS had the A, due to our lack of EN meeting. Well, then why didn't we have the A. I am sure while our WS were in th midst of their A and fogginess they were not only not meeting our BS EN's, but instead taking a sledgehammer to our emontional makeup.

I hear this for what it is, more WS selfishness. Twisting everything around and blaming it on you. Justification. "Well, I would come back to you and reject my immoral behavior, but I can't do that if you are emotionally unstable. Why would I want to go back to that...I mean you can expect me to have to deal with the mess I made, can you?"

So, although it is fogese, I read it as a dialect from a different region. Either way, ignore it. You should neither believe, nor care about anything this woman says. She is not sane. SHe just walked out on her children for cryin' out loud. Ohhh, that's right, you forced her out because she just could stand living there anymore. It was too tense due to the guilt ravaging her soul.

I just hate it when someone is down, and then it sounds like they haven't done enough, or it wasn't consistent enough. All you can do is try your best. It'll help take the pressure off if you think that way. So you slip, big whoop, if you completely changed overnight, that would be creepy and suspicious. It is a process.

Bear,

You said that he shouldnt believe or care what she says because she isnt sane. I agree she isnt sane. But I do not agree that everythign out of a WS mouth is malarchy.

What we were saying is this. Is she being selfish yet again? Yes. But, she is also illuminating a truth deep down here. What is that truth? it is the fact that she is scared!! That there is still a battle going on inside her, tha tthe part of her that still cares for him is still battling. If she were completely over him, she would not be saying these things.

Of course, the WS likes to push the fault on the BS. That goes with the territory, and is why I said dont take it personally. But in ALL fogese, there are nuggets of truth to be culled out.

Nothign she said in this deal is anything to cause him to change anything. It actually was validation that he is doign things right. Validation because she is in turmoil. And validation because she continues to speak the fogese!!

So, reading between the lines doesnt mean necessarily that we find out we are doing somethign wrong in our Plan A. It may also be a way of reinforcing what we are doing right.

In this case, she has just validated that he is doing well. That she is scared because her foggy brain is even considering him. Like I said, if she wasnt considering him, she wouldnt even make the effort of saying this. But, it is just s consideration. There is a long way to go yet. As you said, she is still as selfish as ever and projecting her vices onto him.

But, reading fogese is an art form. One all of us BSs need to learn.

In His arms.

Good point Bear04.....

She did leave, her choice!

She did have the A, her choice!

I can control me, my choice!

I can work for my kids, my choice!

I can learn to ignore her FOG TALK, my choice!

She can come home, her choice, MB principals in place!

We can be a family again, my choice, her choice.

**I think what she is saying is that she sees that you have improved and made changes but she is afraid that it won't last - that you will revert to old ways.**

This statement is what I was referring to. But on second read, i have misread it. I thought it was referring to alank slipping in his plan A.

MM- We are on the same page. You are so right, if WW wasn't in conflict w/herself you would not have gotten a call.

Give her time. It is just a matter of time before OM runs her off. She already knows he's a sleaze with that skirt chasing statement.

How true....
He is a sleaze and she knows it as she has told me this herself..

Keeping on with Plan A, I am unsure if I am able to speak with her right now without LB's.

Can I take a day or two for me and the kids....

Have a small break from Plan A?

I would think so. Your wife just left. Maybe the best thing you could do is go dark for a brief period. A temporary blackout if you will. Give you some time to recoup, and her to think about it. Focus on the kids for now. NC is better than an LB.

No problem in taking a break. But, just dont be overt.

What I mean is that you take the break, but if she contacts you...go into immeidate Plan A mode. Otherwise, just take a rest, and enjoy the kids. Forget about trying to overtly meet her ENS for a day or two to recharge your battery.

Go to church!! Get into the word. He will recharge you.

But, like Bear said...nothing wrong with taking a breather.

In His arms.

Mortarman, Bear04, anyone

WW called me to ask for a small loan, say's she is broke and wants to know if she can swing by tonight?

I have no issue with lending her some money, should I. I have the kids and the bill's, I just want someones opinion before I lend it to her.

Nope,

You have the house, the kids, the bills, and she has...OM. She left because she claims you are not worth being married to, so now she needs money????

I would be very polite, I would be very concerned, I would be patient, and I would explain that right now money is tight and you MUST take care of the kids and their needs. Since she is not their you will have extra expenses to take care of as well.

I would not throw it in her face, but I would explain that you have IMPORTANT things to take care of right now, and she has chosen to move on with her life.

I don't know of a good plan A way to say this, but I would be very sympathetic and see if there was some way she could come up with what she needs without taking it away from the family.

Just some thoughts and I admit not very charitble ones at that.

God Bless,

JL

JL I understand the response as I feel the same at times.

Yet unsure fo how to say no, or perhaps it would be better to say yes?

Unsure at this time of what I will do, I will see her tonight and decidw from there.


Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> JL I understand the response as I feel the same at times.

Yet unsure fo how to say no, or perhaps it would be better to say yes?

Unsure at this time of what I will do, I will see her tonight and decidw from there.


Thanks </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you give her this money, she knows she has you "hooked". There is no possible way she respects you if she does this (leaves for OM) and then thinks she can ask for money. YOU ARE ENABLING HER AFFAIR AND CHOICES BY GIVING HER MONEY......THE SAME AS IF SHE WERE ADDICTED TO HEROIN. I think your mind is made up, but just realize that this money will NOT HELP you in getting her back. The OM and her will laugh at you behind your back. They really will.

Lemonman thank you and yes I had made up my mind.

I am not lending her anything. I have spoken to her and told her now is not a good time for me. I am broke and have some bills to pay.

She was very calm about it. We will see what happens next.