Hi all. I was just reading here and thinking how everyone that comes here is so AMAZED by their WS's behavior. But the funny thing is, they all kinda act and talk the same.

So please join me in describing the behavior of the WS.

My first clue was when WH became distant, and not involved with the family.

He also was gone all of the time. When I found out, he lied, even when faced with evidence (motel bills). Then he said it was over with OW. But it never was.

OW has abandoned her daughter, who she says is the most important thing in the world to her, to live with my WH.

Anyone else care to have some input?

Distant, my WW went to another planet.

She met a new freind.

Why can't I support her.

Going out with friends from work.

Sorry I was unable to call, was with a client.

I love you.

I'll be in a meeting all day.

*** is a great guy.

I love you but I'm not IN love with you.

I haven't been happy for years.

I don't want to hate you, can't we be friends?

The reason I'm leaving is YOU didn't do _____X, Y and Z.

The kids will adjust.

I care about you.

We're just friends.

I was just out running around.

My cell phone never rang, it must get bad reception.

I told you WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!! Nothing is going on.

If he's accidentally nice to me for any reason, he thinks he's leading me on.

They ALL rewrite history, don't take it personally.

It most likely is not true that they haven't been happy in years, and you were just clueless, they convince themselves that they haven't in order to rationalize what they're doing.

-Caren

The very first sign? The one I really should've paid attention to? That'd be this one: "I just can't respond to you intimately right now. I can't stop thinking about him long enough to focus on you."

Soon thereafter, I should have also recognized this: "I just can't remember ever being in love with you. I'm really sorry. I just don't remember."

And then LONG after that, "We didn't want to keep it a secret from everyone!! We just wanted it to be a secret from YOU."

*sigh*

Mine told me he adored me and was so happy that we found each other. That was a week before he found OW.

His favorite saying now is "It just happened."

I've always had doubts

I don't feel that I've ever loved you like I should

Me wanting out of the marriage has nothing to do with OP

We have nothing in common, never did

**edit**

Oh, didn't put my first clue.

He kissed me different.

There were clues before that but I was blind to them. The kiss is when i knew.

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: aislinn ]</small>

Mine said that their relationship was "innocent".

GC

First sign? It was when he insisted on going to all his Hot Rod stuff alone. I asked to go with him, and was told "No one else brings their SO". Then came the big freeze, he was very cool to me, I would ask him what was going on and he'd say "That's just who I am now".

-Caren

***This is OT, but......have you had someone tell you that they're engaged, or getting married since all this has happened??? Is it just me, or does anyone else have to squelch the urge to just say "RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" LOL

-Caren

1. He was on his cell phone ALL the time. Bill went from 47.00 per mo to average of 170.00 per mo. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
2. If I'd call him, now and then he'd mention he had to go, didn't want to use up him minutes. (He never even came CLOSE before!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
3. He was laid off and I was at home sick for several weeks - he would drop the kids off at daycare and disappear for hours, and then come home with one bag and state that he was running errands! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
4. Everyone noticed (my family and his) that he was constantly checking his cell for text messages. One time the two of us were out to breakfast and he got one. Said it was from a co-worker, ya right. (Since A has been over, he never gets text messages anymore!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
5. Started to use tooth whiteners and wore cologne more often.
6. Hiding gifts for OW, I found a bottle of DRY champagne (yuck), champagne glasses and a nice little container to put it all in up in the ceiling tiles in our basement! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Once the A is discovered the spouse knows that you don't trust them as far as you can see them. I don't think my husband is really hiding anything but I noticed that he doesn't have his stuff laying all over like he used to. Knowing that I had searched through everything must have him feeling a little violated? Not sure if that is the right word <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

And what blows my mind is that they don't give their spouses money anymore. Many don't even support their kids.

There is also that gut feeling that you have that something just isn't quite right but you can't put your finger on what it is. Your gut is a great warning system.

I also heard:

She is a nice person. (Not, She was a manipulative liar that would say anything to get what she wanted. Made up a whole life.)

She is very strong, she is raising two kids on her own (with the help of child support and welfare.)

She has high morals, she won't even watch movie with nudity because they are degrading to woman. (but had no trouble giving a bj to a man she didn't even know. She did know he was married.)

She has been unlucky with men and has been abused by men in her past. (She was an alcoholic and meth user, she hung out with that group of men. Former BF went to prison not jail for multiple DWI's. BF when she died liked her because she never nagged him about his drinking but joined him.)

Her husband left her because her MIL didn't like her. (Alcohol/drug problems, of course MIL didn't like her.)

She lives for her kids! (Heard on the scanner when she called police on her 15 year old daughter for being drunk and abusive. D ran away. Son was living with another family at the time of her death. She was in ICU dying from alcohol poisoning/abuse when her son graduated from high school. Sounds like mother of the year, huh?)

WS believe everything the are told. They want to believe that the OP is perfect. That is the fog. The OP has to be worth what they are risking or there is no justification for it. Afterwards, H could see how manipulative she was, then he just felt like an idiot for believing her. I have no idea if he is with me because he realized she wasn't what she portrayed herself to be or if he really wanted to be with me, like he says. I have no way of knowing what really is in his head. He is great at stuffing emotions.

Husband was a big loser all the way around. He lost his dignity and honor, his respect for himself, the ability to say he would never cheat on his wife, my respect, my trust, and the chance at the marriage we could have had. That marriage will never be, not for us. We may very well spend our lives together, and even be happy but it will never be what it could have been without the affair.

We do have a much better relationship than we had before the A, but it is a relationship tainted. If he doesn't come home on time, I will always have THAT thought running through my mind. If he seems emotionally distant, I will always wonder if he is thinking of someone else. If he is not in the mood for SF, part of me wonders if he got it somewhere else. When we do have it, I will always wonder if he thinks of her when he closes his eyes. That never crossed my mind before. I had innocent love before, where every touch was special and I felt loved. Now I hope that I am loved and that he thinks of me, but now I am just not sure.

Cathy

Not being available by cell phone...not answering for a few hours at a time...ie: disappearing. Having excuses like: I fell asleep in my truck, I went for a walk on the beach by myself. Different patterns of cell phone use.

He was distant, finding fault in me about anything. Coming home late. Not being hungry for dinner. Taking a shower at different times.

He said things like he didn't feel connected (or a connection) to me. We (he and OW) are just friends. He tried to make me question my sanity...I started thinking I was crazy.

When his cell phone minutes were excessive and I found out they were to her cell number and home phone, he said they were talking about watches her husband had as that she was going to give him one. They also just talked about the kids, ice hockey
and the practice and game schedules.

When they were together all the time talking at the kids ice hockey games or practice..he was just listening to her because she was having a hard time with her H...he traveled most of the month for business, he was also overweight (obese). When she wasn't there or had to leave early...he'd offer to give her son ride home and take a long time dropping him off....talking. She seemed pathetic and needy to me though with an H who was wealthy and provided well for his family.

One thing none of us expect is to be lied too so well. The person we thought we could trust the most became the least trustworthy person in our world.

After you catch on to the cell phone...don't be surprised if he/she gets a secret cell phone which they keep hidden just for the A use...mine did.

They will go to great lengths to extend the exciting, illicit drama of it all. The excitment maintaining the secret tends to fuel the A.

Mine couldn't perform in bed and let me believe it was his medication.

Was coming home late from work far more frequently.

Got very possessive about his mobile.

Was very distant with his kids.

Gave me the "you're my best friend but I'm not in love with you" but nobody else was involved.

Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies - tons of them.

But yes, Believer, we hear at MB have heard it all before!! What scares me now is how obvious it was he was seeing someone else and I just didn't acknowledge it. TT

My wife just grew distant and would talk little about her work or any subject. However she would definitely make sure I understood I had to watch the little guy when they set up an evening meeting. Most reasons were dinner with her girl friends or a candle party.
Our closeness changed to a required hug and peck in the morning before we parted and at night when she returned. Funny part if I missed one or slept on the couch so as to not wake her do a sleepless night I would be taken to task questioning my motives.
Her affections also transferred to our son to the point where I made a statement of "You are treating him more like a husband than me.

SM

Trix - Mine had a secret cell phone also. The bill was sent to his brother. I didn't have a clue. Then, when I found out about it, WH told me that I knew about it all along. Of course, I didn't, didn't have the number. Yikes! These cheaters are all the same.

FOG FOG FOG FOG FOG FOG FOG!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Oh my goodness!!!! I could go on and on...LOL!
I was told:
I love you like a sistr/family memeber

I'm not in love with you anymore.

You aren't on my spiritual level

We didn't grow together

You didn't support me

I'm not leaving you for her. She has nothing
to do with it.

Things I didn't realize but should have...hind sight is 20/20....

He became very distant

Said he didn't like doing family things

He's not a family kind of person

Not sexually attracted to me anymore

They totally rewrite history!!!!!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
<strong> ...
I'm not leaving you for her. He has nothing
to do with it.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is my WW's mantra right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

His secret cell phone had a 'red' leather case...must have been for all their 'hot' conversations. He went to great lengths to hide the phone in his truck. He also kept his truck locked all the time which he didn't used to do.

After D-day...I heard the 'I'm not in love with you'. 'I haven't loved you in 20 yrs.' All the revision of history stuff. 'She's my soulmate' cr@p.

Sad thing is that he repeated some of the behaviors...distant, not interested in sex with me, critical of me...fault finding, disappearing for hours, coming home late...in his next A and I didn't catch onto it for 7 of the 8 months after it's inception. Somehow, I thought that since we renewed our vows and he was back involved in church that he was immune...wrong. I also foolishly stopped getting detailed cell phone billing...so he was foolish enough to use his cell phone again but I saw his use go way up...even though his work load was less (at first I thought the calls were for an investment house he was selling himself). The evidence was irrefutable once I had the call details. At first I thought the A was with the previous OW...I was surprised that it was a new one.