I just noticed that I'm nearing 6000 posts and 3 years since d-day. That's an average of 5.4794520547945205479452054794521 per day.

Progress, but not.

Recovery started some time ago, but stuck pretty soon after beginning.

Uncertainties remain. Contact? Heck if I know. I do know that my W is appalled that any S would have 2 be accountable for their time.

I could spend a for2ne on coaching/therapy and never have participation on my W's part.

Getting 2 where I don't much care anymore if it does or doesn't come, but don't think it will.

We get along "fine." We even enjoy ourselves a bit. I've never gotten closure on squat, though. Maybe my W is trying in her own way (she does seem 2 be staying away from meetings that OM might be at).

Conflict avoidance? What conflict? What's 2 avoid?

Oh well, sorry for the negativity.

Anyway, I've been thinking. Almost 6000 in almost 3 years. Maybe 6000 ought 2 be "it" if I can get there on my 3-yr D-day anniversary.

Whadaya think?

ol' fatalistic 2long

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

I've always said I highly dislike a new thread going unanswered...Why should you--an expert, by some definitions--be any different?

I certainly have no advice, no prayers ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ), no opinions. Just thanks and thoughts. And a manly...

{{{'ol2}}}

Whadaya think?

I think you having a "day".

What else I think is "be true to yourself" 2long, speak your truth, live your truth, and everything else will fall into place.

Just like that old Moody Blues song, I don't remember the name of the song (Nights in White Satan, maybe) but the phrase "whatever you want, you will be in the end" has stuck in my mind since I was a wee girl. I believe it.

Your only three years into this, and her affair was 14 yrs long for heavens sake. She is still with you because she loves you. Tell her how you feel, what you need, what you want. And keep telling her, showing her, living it - until she "gets" it. She'll come around, don't you think? Anyone who can stay in an affair for 14 yrs and a marriage for 30 (?) is persistant, or maybe the word is consistant, if nothing else. So she may just be on that slow and steady course of changing her ways.

Don't just accept that this is the way things are going to be and walk away from trying to build a great marriage, and to regain what you have lost through the devastation of her affair. Keep at it. And for another cliche that just popped into my mind "build it and (she) will come".

As for your 6000 posts and gone, I hope not. Both for your marriages' sake and for our sake. Those of us who get to know someone as "cool" as you even if it is in our little cyber space world, because I for one would never have a chance to know anyone even close to being like you in my real world, BFE.

Right Liny?

Yep I think your just having a "day".

awww---come on...you cant bail before me....i think we are the people waiting the longest on here......dont leave us....... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ole 2Long....dang you buddy....3 years 6000 posts.

here I was sitting giving up on every coming back to this site, & logged on to see had people progressed... KABOOM... my stalwert advisor... thinks he needs a break.

2Long I am waiting for that thesis/novel your going to write - you have sooo much real experience, genuine love, & true wisdom, use it as you often have done... WELL.

Edited to remove some irrelevant cr2p <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

& Reiterate 2Long "Your more than a number" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You rock!

Thanks Ktulu

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: Ktulu ]</small>

Well, only you can say what is "enough' for you 2Long.

I can speak for myself, I think for others here, and definintely for the devastated people who will come to this place in the future, .... that we would rather still have 2Long here. If not for him, ... for us, and for the ones that come after us.

Sounds a bit selfish of me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

If you need a break 2Long -- Take it!
If you think we're getting tired of you, or you have nothing to contribute; Your mistaken.

How about just a name change? It seems popular now, and heck! I've done two or three myself.

How about Duece?

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 07:08 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Hey 2long !

Only you know if the lack of WS recovery behaviour is acceptable to you for a satisfying life.

If you're OK with it, let no MB'er say you should do differently.

My Squis HATES accountabilty, and wonders why I can't just trust her blindly as I have all our lives again. But she's coming around to realising that if she wants to be in our M she must regain my trust.

I hope you resolve this 2l, inyour head AND in your marriage.

I'm nobody special on here, but I would like to say that in the 8 months I have been here I have read many of your posts and have found your advice to me and others to be inspirational and accurate. I can see that after 3 years this place could become more habit than help, but you are very helpful to others. Just my opinion. Thanks for all you have done so far. Thanks in advance for all the newbies you will help.

2long, would it make any sense for me to make the geek's argument about a number not being special just because we write it with a bunch of zeroes?

GC

2long,

Several months ago you replied to one of my "self-pity" posts with a gentle but effective 2x4. I had been complaining of being 6 months into my sojourn down the river Styx and you politely told me to shut my yap until I get to the 2 year mark. I always remember and thank you for the post.

Guess I'm trying to say, you can''t stop now,you are needed by too many of us

And besides frankd, your posts are always the most difficult "2read" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

THREADJACK

I'm nobody special on here,

Now Starz, that simply is not true, so TAKE IT BACK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

gc:

"2long, would it make any sense for me to make the geek's argument about a number not being special just because we write it with a bunch of zeroes?"

ROFLMAOAPMP!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I feel like a goof 2day! And there are plenty of gooves in the world!

Significance of numbers, holidays, anniversaries? Heck, I remember claiming that 2 years wasn't a big deal for me. Even one year wasn't that big. ...maybe I was looking for something other than my own imaginings 2 blame? probably.

I feel like a goof because my imagination was definitely getting the better of me. Drama and negativity are self-created insideous monsters all 2 willing 2 devour their creator.

I need 2 heed my own advice and not forget that I will still be wherever I take myself in the fu2re. Might as well go there with clean emotional underwear 2 cradle "my boys" (-Kramer, "Seinfeld").

Okay, 6000 isn't a big deal, particularly when it isn't when you take in2 account my posts as Qfwfq. More like approaching 8000.

-ol' 2long
P.S. The SUN is shining! Maybe some of that mud will dry out!!!

2L,

I've been pondering your situation while on my walk today...

I agree with Weaver about speaking your truth and living your truth - very well said.

The consequence of not living and speaking your truth is a denial of yourself, your spirit and all that is personal and important to you. My concern is that if you do this for any great length of time you'll become depressed, and anxious among other things like detached!

While you can't force your wife to have the discussions important to you, surely it must feel like lying down on a bed of nails to continue on this way. I believe no one makes changes in their life until the pain of staying the same become worse than the fear of pain caused by the change.

Remembering what you've said of your wife's childhood unfortunately indicates her great ability to tolerate pain. I think she can out wait you.

My point? Personal recovery! Neither one of you are going anywhere, so why not find an IC who can help you with CA. Proceed with personal recovery. You have seen the benefits in your marriage by focusing on it in the past - but I think you need help with the CA stuff, seems to be too ingrained to dig your way out alone. SH helped me with my CA issues, and it made all the difference.

Think about it!! Regarding recent triggers/suspicions - I don't know how you can resolve your gut instincts with her need for secrecy. How can you possibly know whether she has resumed contact? How could it not drive you crazy. I wish a better life for you. CSue

Yes 2 - the sun is shining today. I hope it warms you up both inside and out!

Carol

2long, that’s a nice number you got there. Too bad it’s not irrational. Seems like it should be, huh.

“Recovery started some time ago, but stuck pretty soon after beginning.”

We’ve been through this at times too. Sometimes a little lubrication is needed. Like a generous squirt of looming reality.


“Uncertainties remain. Contact? Heck if I know. I do know that my W is appalled that any S would have 2 be accountable for their time.”

I get this occasionally. I think most BS do. WS is an LTA learns to live with such big f’ing secrets for so long it becomes part of their personality, IMO. It is who they are. Change is especially hard for a person in an LTA. And the flip side of the coin is the BS is hyper sensitive of any potential discrepancy. The pain amplifier will be cranked up to max for years I think.


“I've never gotten closure on squat...”

What if you said this to her, just as it is written right here? Or wrote it in a letter. Tell her you are hurting over this. Would she give you at east as much consideration as she would give her child if one said this about something?

Perhaps you are down because it is near an anniversary for you. I was able to keep busy on DD2 + 1 year but the weeks after have been bad. Real bad, and it’s all me.

I wish you the best. Remember Torn Asunder says it can take as long as the A lasted to get through this.

T

Good points, people.

Thos, your own sitch being similar in the length of the A is chilling, in some ways.

I wonder if you feel this: With time, though the rollercoaster dips aren't necessarily as painful as they were shortly (like a year or so) after d-day, they are definitely as intense.

And you know? By most BS reckoning, my last d-day was just last March. No, wait a minute. Could have even been August.

But the thing I try 2 remember, and I think I'm usually successful with it, is not 2 label every little trigger as a new d-day. A new d-day should be labeled, but regarding that phone record from August - I don't even know if that was a convo with OM, or even if it was, that it wasn't an NC phone call. Don't think so, but I can certainly go nutzo imagining what it was.

I'll have 2 ask.

-ol' 2long

“I wonder if you feel this: With time, though the rollercoaster dips aren't necessarily as painful as they were shortly (like a year or so) after d-day, they are definitely as intense.”

Well, hard to say how big the roller coaster dips are really. I feel as if I am riding it blindfolded, most of the time. When my stomach hit’s the roof of my mouth I know we just went over the top again. So the drops are definitely as intense as ever they were, but they do seem to be farther apart.

Our W’s seem to be cut from similar cloth. Mine has opened up a lot in the past year. But for both, privacy seems to trump the needs of the M. Maybe privacy is an EN the Harley’s missed?

My main problem boils down to resisting acceptance, now. I’ve been through denial, bargaining (well, not so much), and anger (a lot much). I’ve lolled about in resignation and depression for quite a while now. That she could do this for half our M and have no remorse during the whole 10 years is a huge barrier for me to try to climb over. And since I can’t see the other side I don’t know if it is even worth all this effort and all this agony. I hope it is worth it, but I am climbing in the dark.

Like you, I am working on me as much as possible. I am creating a life I like living. I hope she wants to participate. But I have to do this for me or else just lay down and die.

Unlike you, I’ve been through this already. DDay1 as six years ago (same OMM). I heard all the right things from her. Everything seemed to be well after a year of IC and MC. But it was all a sham. An act. DDay1 was barely a speed bump in their A. So I have the additional burden of believing her this time. There were so many tears, lies and broken promises back then. I have a wide, deep moat of distrust to cross even before I can attempt to scale the final barrier.

Well, I’m depressing myself. Time to go to bed. And DS12 needs help with math first anyway.

I will pray for both of us tonight.

T

Hi 2long,
I think you ought to go for an even
(SS gets out his pencil and sharpens it, then he does some figuring )
that's 27*34, carry the 9, plus 2longs age, subtract the time warp factor.......

I think you should go for an even 100,347.8 posts before you quit. Seems more fitting to me.

SS

This post is merely the opinion of Still Seeking, and is no way binding on the US armed forces, any third world contries, or the GNP of California.

It might be binding on Montana, and maybe North Dakota, but that's still up in the air.

Ok 2L, my 2 cents here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Me thinks that 6k is too low of a posting #. You should aim for something with a 2 in it like: 12K, 20k, 22k, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

2long,

I am 1 slow person here ... what r u qt'ing when u hit 6k posts ?.

I read it as u want 2 quit ur efforts and push FWW 2 step up 2 the plate when your post hits 6k. Nothing got to do with your residency here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

You have 3 more posts 2 decides.

-rh-