H has become interested in them, I am completely ignorant with regard to them..but this icky sense of hypervigilent discomfort prevails.

It is a "live" social environment..in a sense..so it seems the same rules of protection ought to apply..I'm just not sure what adjustments are appropriate because..again..ignorant.

I would appreciate any wisdom, opinions, rants..pretty much input of any sort..and suggestions..yea gods suggestions are welcome.

Ideally we can negotiate a use that we can both be comfortable with, but if not I am willing to force a choice..so lay it on me..what say you MBers?

Noodle

<small>[ January 15, 2005, 01:51 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

Online games can be very addictive, believe me. And yes, inappropriate relationships can develop there.

Couple of things:

1) There are many more men playing online games than women

2) Inappropriate relationship do not have to develop. Treat it like you would any chatroom though.

3) Put a time limit on game time playing...but watch him play a few times to know what kind of reasonable limit to set. For instance I play Star War Galaxies online and 30 minutes is not enough time. Even 60 minutes is not really enough time.

4) Make sure you have access to his account. Most online games keep chat logs.


I would stipulate no "flirting" chat, either in words or the "actions" they have. Any in-game email should be game related only. No giving out of external email or personal indentifying info. Any personal talk, beyond that he's happily married should be discouraged...

seriously, noodle...treat it as a chat room. Even if he says that he won't chat with others...in online games, you mostly HAVE to...as many require "grouping" to do the more difficult things.

be wary of them, I have played in the past and it rapidly leads to cybering. Not good. My H played a lot too, and I would walk up behind him to ready him cybering! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Some sites are good, and it all depends on who you are playing, but be ware.

what is "cybering"?

cyber-sex..just like in chat rooms

So noodle, you may be ignorant now...but you don't have to stay that way.

I'm uncomfortable with the suggestion that you set a time limit. We are spouses, not parents. POJA a time limit perhaps yes, but not set time limits.

Investigate online games if he's interested. Find one you would both be interested in. Join him.

I play Everquest with my husband. We play as a couple and we play with other couples. It's become a form of recreational companionship. The online people that we "see" on a regular basis all know we are a couple.

Problem solved. I don't have to worry, I've joined him.

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]</small>

Bramblerose..nods...I say timelimit because it is REALLY easy to get sucked in and totally lose track of time. It happened to me. It happened to my husband. POJA it for sure, but I do think it's something that needs to be considered, especially if noodle is not interested in playing.

Heh, just like in chat rooms. I don't know much about them either. I can learn though.

I did join the game, and I do have the passwords and such. He does invite me to join him while he plays and thus far I haven't seen anything inappropriate on HIS part. I have noticed women characters who do things such as write "hugs" and whatnot..and there does seem to be a...comraderie that I am definitely uncomfortable with. I am also not comfortable with having women on the "friends" list..or doing "missions/quests" with them. Men only wouldn't bother me. Or if it must include women..no private chat..or..or, you know..it seems like the risks outweigh the benefits <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

His level of course is much higher than mine [I spent the first half hour running in circles [literally] and bumping into walls cursing the damn darkness 'cause I hate computor stuff] but he doesn't seem to be hiding anything.

It's EARLY though. I would like to have potential probs spelled out for me because..i don't really care to wait for experience to teach me all over again. Particularly as we will be separated for several months in the near future. Doesn't seem a good idea to have a vulnerability.

Thanks KMEJ et all and keep it coming, please.

Noodle

Oh, and..uh

What exactly ARE some good guidelines re chat in general? I don't chat..I feel pretty safe and comfortable with public moderated message boards such as this..but live is a whole other story.

These games may be a no go for me..I'm sorry to say. I'd just really like more info before making that decision. Are they ALL live chat? Do they all have private chat as an option?

Are the designed to be hook up devices? 'Cause it certainly seems so, based on what I am reading thus far.

Noodle

Noodle,

Some are here just because of these on-line games.... Look up Knewjie and [H]. Both were active game participants in a game I think was called: Gamequest???? Not sure of the exact name.

Anyways..... they hooked up with several players, played as a couple but [H] still went and had an A with a MW in another state. Caused him to quit his job, take their new family car and he tried to pass himself off as some sort of rich kid. His mom lived in my neck of the woods and eventually when he was coming out of the fog, he came down to CA to visit her. That is where I met Knewjie for the 1st time. She flew out to help him drive back to their state. Before that she was an avid MBer and we used to talk daily to help both of us keep our sanity.

[H] was also an MB poster and some of his threads are legends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

They are now in recovery and doing well. I periodically hear from her and even her parents. All met here cuz of being on MB.

So I would say be wary, even if you are invited.

JMHO,
L.

Okay, Noodle, here is my experience.

About 1 1/2 yrs. ago, WW started getting up in the middle of the night when she was having hot flashes to play on-line backgammon.

This is where she met her dream man, which has culminated in the long and winding path that has us currently in Plan B. Really, really good chance we're going to end up divorced (after 28 years of marriage) ....

So, thumbs down from me on ANY on-line games.

Georgia

Thank you Orchid,

My spider sense has been tingling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> No other way to put it. He hasn't been involved in anything inappropriate..but I have this internal sense of *yet* that I refuse to overlook.

However, I also concede that my tools of measurement are off kilter, and thus, before I go off pontificating <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I really want to make sure that a threat is valid and not paranoia.

I'm going to look those up and read carefully and hopefully discerningly.

One of the things I most miss about my former self was my ability to have faith in my own discernment.

One step at a time, I suppose.

Noodle

Noodle,

If your spidey senses are tingling....pay attention to them. You weren't bitten and endured all that pain for nuthin'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you need to me to hale up Knewjie....well I can try her addy. She does periodically post. Those 2 are quite young in my books but have a world of experience. I love them dearly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Hello Noodle.

I have been lurking on this board for around 6 months now, after catching my WW cheating. I am normally fairly private, but your post has brought me out of the woodwork.

You see, my WW became romantically involved with no less than 8 different men over a two year period, 5 of which she met while playing a very popular online game.

I would strongly advise you to be very wary indeed...many people "role-play" in these games, and as we all bitterly know, having an interactive fantasy life that does not COMPLETELY include one's spouse can cause serious problems in a relationship. Not to say that it may not JUST be a game, and harmless, to your spouse. It is your decision whether you are comfortable with it or not.

If you feel as if you don't want to ask your H not to play, here is an idea: ask that he only play FEMALE characters, possibly in addition to the suggestions Aislinn made. It has been my experience that any idea of gender based relationships go right out the window very quickly when a straight man gets chatted up by a hairy little male dwarf or a lissome, but very MALE, elf.

My W and I still play games together, but neither of us play as our actual genders anymore. I know, for me, that provides a much larger comfort zone.

Best of luck to you and your H,

-OAK

GG,

I used to play online backgammon before I started using my computer time here. If your WW becomes FWW and still wants to play, this is what I learned: (Btw, I played at zone.msn.com).

The "social" rooms are meat markets. It is hard to find a game with someone who is actually there to play. I played the "tournaments" because 99% of the people are there to play the game, the host assigns the opponents each round, and the host will take care of any problem (not a usual occurence in the tournament rooms but it happens sometimes). Most opponents don't talk at all except to say hi and bye <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I like the idea of a POJA on this, Noodle.

I think the real question is what are HIS boundaries? What boundaries does HE have in place to ensure that he is not in an inappropriate convo or otherwise? What is HE doing to ensure that he will not become vulnerable to screwing up again?


I didn't read through all the replies on here because I have to go, so forgive me if I am repeating, or you have already touched on this.

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 05:21 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Noodle,

Is there a particular game you are concerned about? I'm familiar mostly with Yahoo games. I can tell you that the chatter there is fairly tame - at least the games I've played. And it varies..a game like bridge will allow more time for talk than something fast paced, like Word Racer. My experience has been that people are there to play the games, not to meet people. Be advised, however, that you can send instant messages through those systems.

One thing to consider when working out your POJA...some online game rooms are divided up according to level of play. Yahoo, for insta,ce has "social" rooms, as well as rooms for beginning, intermediate, and advanced players on almost all of their games. Now, I've never tested this theory, but...it seems to me that those in the "social" rooms would be more prone to chat and less interested in actual gaming. The other rooms seem to have more hard-core gamers, who are actually there to play.

I used to be a "members plus"(like a mod) on the MSN Gaming Zone, and I can tell you....that affairs, and inappropriate behavior run RAMPANT in those games.

It is easy to be sucked in by it all. In fact, I know that one couple who had been living together broke up, and the man went to stay with another couple and subsequently ran off with this poor guys wife.

And this was euchre that I was in, you'd think that would be harmless enough.......not the case.

You don't even have to be "looking" for it....it will find you.

-Caren

Andrew..

He has two, he bought them..so I don't think they are yahoo.

Anywho..I have decided to place online games into my *social recreation* file and not differentiate based on the cyber nature of it.

It seems very clear that the same risks and pitfalls apply at least as much in cyber situations if not to a larger extent due to the already ripe "fantasy" atmosphere. I will treat it as such.

Unfortunately...Weaver..I do not think that this will be an issue that can be POJA'd. I think that the fact that he has failed to asses the risks and failed to protect our relationship and our recovery strongly implies that his boundaries have failed already. I am not willing to wait for it to get to the next step..not willing to see where he goes from an already questionable position. Not willing to allow an addiction to settle in unchallenged. I think that these games are addictive in nature. I think that they are designed to be for profit. I think that because the player is unable to *pause* the game and must *level up* in order not to lose all the ground they have worked for..and that each *mission* can take three hours or more to complete makes this a lose/lose situation.

Spending several hours a day recreating with the opposite sex in a fantasy driven and privacy enabled environment is just asking for trouble.

I was really hoping that a more agreeable solution would be possible, but it seems that the games are just frought with opportunity for error. Not a fertile ground to till for any fruit but hardship.

Drat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Noodle

I hope you are able to work this out with him before he goes away where he is more apt to risk 'what you don't know won't hurt you' behavior.

What has he been willing to do to better establish his boundaries and his understanding of why having boundaries is important to your marriage?