Still lookin'

Clarification for TT..he does not have a secret password..he uses multiple servers..has actually told me this previously..I am just too ignorant to navigate my way around so far. I had thought initially that he might, before I realized the server thing would give me the same result.

Right now the issues are boundary related with a possible male/female online friendship twist. Not kosher with me. Will be dealt with by whatever means necessary.

Back to my fishin' expedition. Might do a little role playing of my own tonight. Isn't that positively wicked?

Noodle

Noodle,

Not meaning to scare you or anything but I believe that Knewjie and [H] used to pretend t/b the other gender (he was a female and she a male) when they played everquest. I don't know anything about those games 1st hand but even so.....he still managed to have an A with an OW who pranced him around her town as if he were a puppy.

IMHO, those games are dangerous. If you don't feel safe, let him know. If he insists, then you have your answer...... recovery went backwards and you may have to pull out plan B from your back pocket.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

You and I have arrived at the same conclusion simultaneously.

Scary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have turned up nothing apart from what I already knew. He has only had this game for a couple of weeks. It's a boundary prob. A very serious boundary prob. Another make or break recovery moment..and time to shift the burden to him.

I think what I will do, is write him a letter, and give him a few days to process it, and then have the discussion.

Time for more growth.

Noodle

Noodle,

I'd like to share how I handled how I communicated with my Xws after he came home. I setup a certain phrase which he would then know I needed his attention. I learned a lot from His Needs/Her Needs but loaned my book out so I have to do it from memory.....it been a couple of years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

For me I used the phrase: "Can I ask you a question?" Short and sweet. Said as calmly as possible. Did not ask the question until he acknowledged 1st question. I stood by for what seemed t/b an eternity at the beginning. Sometimes even walked away. Fuming but walked away.

Kept it up for about 1 month. At a totally different time I would ask him how did he want t/b notified when I had something important to ask of him? After getting that response, I would wait a few more days and then ask.....how did he want to be informed when he did something that setoff a trigger in me? Let him answer that one. I just listened. Then a few days later I would use that phrase as mentioned above.

It got to a point that all I had to do was walk up to him (like when he was on the computer - he is a craig's list and ebay fanatic - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and he could ask me what's up? If he did it in a irriated voice, I would leave. One of my boundaries was NOT to have confrontations in anger..... So he learned that if he wanted to know what was bothering me, he had to respond in a kind and more gentle manner. That was the start.

Good training paid off. H never realized how harsh he was on me. NOw he does. I have learned to take less and he has learned to give more. Of the good stuff, that is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Orchid,

Thanks once again. Yes, I think good trainng will be very important. That sounds like a good idea..with regard to the future..but..are you suggesting that I do this prior to addressing the gaming issue?

I'm listenning if so..I really hesitate to hesitate, if you catch my drift..but another day give or take will hopefully not make a bunch of difference..if it will..then he is much farther down the road already. Farther than a discussion can bail him out of.

[putting on my big open ears]

Noodle

Noodle,

I would do this so that you have an avenue to address any issue (including the gaming one). In fact, if you do this, the gaming issue c/b your test case.

JMHO,
L.

O,

Would you care to lay out for me some sort of outline [I have only the vaugest concept of what you intend]? Timeline too?

You seem to be suggesting that I lay a foundation before addressing the issue. Might not be a bad idea.

Details?

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> Noodle,

I'd like to share how I handled how I communicated with my Xws after he came home. I setup a certain phrase which he would then know I needed his attention. I learned a lot from His Needs/Her Needs but loaned my book out so I have to do it from memory.....it been a couple of years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

For me I used the phrase: "Can I ask you a question?" Short and sweet. Said as calmly as possible. Did not ask the question until he acknowledged 1st question. I stood by for what seemed t/b an eternity at the beginning. Sometimes even walked away. Fuming but walked away.

Kept it up for about 1 month. At a totally different time I would ask him how did he want t/b notified when I had something important to ask of him? After getting that response, I would wait a few more days and then ask.....how did he want to be informed when he did something that setoff a trigger in me? Let him answer that one. I just listened. Then a few days later I would use that phrase as mentioned above.

It got to a point that all I had to do was walk up to him (like when he was on the computer - he is a craig's list and ebay fanatic - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and he could ask me what's up? If he did it in a irriated voice, I would leave. One of my boundaries was NOT to have confrontations in anger..... So he learned that if he wanted to know what was bothering me, he had to respond in a kind and more gentle manner. That was the start.

Good training paid off. H never realized how harsh he was on me. NOw he does. I have learned to take less and he has learned to give more. Of the good stuff, that is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Noodle,
The timeline you seek is above. It takes a while. That's where patience needs to be a acquired virtue. Most of us don't have patience. But in this case if you were to heap it all in 1 dose or day, you'd kill his spirit. He could revert back to his WS shell and shudder at recovery. Don't want that....so piece it out in dosages. Then when he is ready and willing you ask your questions. Test it out with smaller more insignificant things like:

So after the phrase is set and agreed a few days later:

BS: Honey, can I ask you a question?
xws: ???? ... oh ok.

BS: Did you deposit your check into Account# XXXX?

xWs: (breathes a sigh of relief). Yes love, I did.

BS: Thanks sweentess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Next day or so after this:

BS: Dear, can I ask you a question?

Xws: (tense stance)..... yea sure....

BS: Do I look fat in this dress? LOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Xws: (still tense and groping for words)..... you look lovely in it dear.

BS: Oh, you're just saying that.....remember we need t/b honest. Maybe this shade of green makes me look to pale?

Xws: Yes it does a bit.

BS: Ok....thanks for sharing your opinion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Couple of days later:

BS: Hey hon, can I ask you a question?

xWs: Sure..... what's up? U ok?

BS: Well I was....something's been bothering me. Can we talk about it?

Xws: hm..... ok. Is it that green dress again?

BS: (laughs)....no.... I been feeling kinda down in the dumps. CAn't blame it on PMS or anything.... think it may be related to your internet activity.....

Xws: (perplexed look). What's wrong?

BS: Well if I asked that you stop something that's been making me feel queezy, would you?

Xws: Like what? no more hot sauce?

BS: Well not food related but more like internet related.

Xws: I guess....

BS: U guess? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Xws: Well I guess I could.....what is it?

BS: I notice that when you play your games, my stomach gets queezy. I get the runs and want to vomit. Think you could cut down on it until my stomach ache goes away?

Now the next Xws response will be the one to watch. How he reacts will determine whether you pull plan B out of your pocket or not.

What do you think? Remember this stuff takes time.

L.

BS:

So what do you think about all that dialog? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

How are YOU doing Noodle. I've been thinking about you today.

Sorry about the delay in response.

I was information gathering.

And I got lucky. One day H was called away from the game..and forgot he was playing and I just happened to pull up the active char because of this..and all of the chat dialogue with it.

What did I find? Nothing of consequence, including all of the PC..it was all game related. Hours worth.

So why is this significant? It just gives me a general cross section on which to make my best guess as to where he is at. How far down the road. I made that error in the past. I knew he was in trouble..I just didn't investigate because I didn't believe [denial] HOW much trouble he was in. How serious it was. How capable things were of getting badly out of hand.

So, I have decided to implement "plan Orchid"..I think I have time, and I think she is correct that a more aggressive stance at this point may do more harm than good as well as set up a parent/child dynamic and open the door for "what she doesn't know won't inconvenience me" behavior.

We'll see how it goes. At some point..the burden really needs to transfer from my shoulders to his..and I'm not entirely sure when or how I am going to make that transition..but I have become aware of the lack of growth in that area and am disturbed by it. At some point..he should embrace/discard activities based on HIS discernment..else how can I ever trust him and respect him?

One of the things I would like to bring into this little endeavor is precisely that. His boundaries etc and I would just love to be talked and hand led through it. I had to go the first round alone and blind with only my own will and instincts to guide me..I really think that things were more difficult and took longer as a result. Trial and error will eventually yield a result you can use..but experience and wisdom is always the better choice. I am glad that this time..I payed attention to that gut feeling..that hackles raised hyper alertness even with a total lack of proof and acted on it. I have no guarantees of course..but at least I will not be putting footprints on my own butt because I failed to act when I felt threatened.

He isn't wayward...it really doesn't look like it at this time. He also isn't thinking things through..investigating and consciously protecting us either. If I can come up with info that suggests that this behavior is risky then so can he..and with minimal effort. It is thoughtless and careless and precisely how he began his previous downward spiral. Which is probably what pricked my response.

It is the difference between recover y and recover ed .

Noodle