Kiwi,

Here is the point. The betrayed husband point. You put 'me' (Rob), so far from your mind at that point in time, that the moment you came across a man that you had sex with while you were married to Rob, you stopped and talked with him. And, he (OM) had such an effect on you that Rob went to the back of your mind and OM went to the front, and became more important than Rob, for, if Rob were the most important at that time, there is no way you would have stopped and talked.

Ok, perhaps that sheds more light on what may be going through Rob's mind....

Yes Rook, what you say is true.

I know (although he hasn't said it) that what you are saying is what Rob is thinking.

Believe me, you guys couldn't beat me up any more than I have myself.

But, and it's an important but - this has in no way taken either of us back to d-day. I know it hasn't for Rob - he said as much - and I know it hasn't for me.

Jen

{{{{KiwiJ}}}}
What’s done is done. All you can do is keep loving your H. Learn all you can from the experience, and prepare yourself to do whatever your H wants you to do if you run into FOM again.

I have a question for some of the others, though. First I want to say that I support NC 1000%, but I have a sincere question. I’m not trying to start trouble, it’s just that I sense a sort of a catch-22.

If a (hypothetical) FWW promises her H to have NC with FOM, and promises to tell him if C happens for some reason (say it’s like with Kiwi, an accidental meeting), but she still wants to save her M and be honest, so she tells her H and he says “That’s the last straw, I’m leaving,” what good did it do her to be honest?

What were her choices? If she knows she has no intention of getting back together with FOM, has C, regrets it, but knows there is a good possibility that she is going to lose her M if she’s honest, how does that encourage her to continue being honest? Does her H want her to be honest in order to protect the M, or so that he has the choice to get even more angry, give up, and leave? It just seems like a no win situation to me.

Thanks,

Rose

Rose, most FWS have no intention of having an affair either but they do.Jen showed REAL grit and a MB instinct by telling Rob right away. Theirs is a small community town, what if Rob ever found out about their discussion and Jen had not told him ?

Rose, Deceit is the currency of affairs. Honesty is the lifeblood of love IMO.

Bob,

It's not the importance of honesty that I'm questioning. What I'm questioning is how can an FWS feel "safe" about being honest, and why a BH would want to punish a FWW if she was honest with him about renewed (accidental) C. See?

Thanks again,

Rose

OT - This site just logged me out while I was writing this post, so I had to log back in to post it. How weird is that?

Rose I DO see your point and I guess thats the choice of every FWS. Jen told the truth and Rob still loves her.

And while Jen's contact was accidental but it was very deliberate to ask how OMs relationship was and to offer advice.

Thanks Rose.

"Intentional" contact would be a deal breaker as far as Rob is concerned. Over, out, finished.

I didn't think twice that I would tell him. I promised I would tell him any contact whatsoever and that's what I did.

On a lighter note. Bob, said a small community town. Actually 2 million people and the biggest city in NZ, but I suppose that is small by world standards. LOL. Bob, love ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, yes, we live in the same neigbourhood as OM and his w.

Jen

Awww I meant neighbourhood ! Or else cos I'm in the US I think of Auckland Ohio instead of NZ ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

{{{{jen}}}}

And that would be Oakland, I think.

Bob, time you left Vegas. You're brain's getting scrambled. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

{{{Bob}}}

Jen

Bob -

It's also every BH's choice to be glad for the honesty and give the FWW another chance, though, right?

And now that Kiwi sees her mistake and is sorry, she's forgiveable, right?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My H has told me that if FOM ever contacts me, he will kill him, and I believe I really saw murder in my H's eyes, so it really scares me to think the position I would be in if C happened.

There's no reason for me to make up stuff to worry about, I guess, and I don't have any reason to think C will ever happen. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if it did happen, though, (not likely - we don't even live in the same part of the country).

Would I tell FOM to run for his life, not say anything to my H, and live with the guilt of being dishonest for the rest of my life, or would I call my H and give him the chance to go ahead and kill FOM? Neither choice is right.

I'll just keep praying C never happens for ANY reason!

God bless,

Rose

Rose of course ! Jen did the right thing immediately after her mistake ! Not just a FBS but a husband or a friend can ask no more of someone who cares.

Hi All,

I think Jen gets the point don't you?

Jen, I do have a question for you. Did you go back and tell Rob what you felt when talking to him? I hope so, because while contact was NOT good, there was something learned from it that I think will help both you and Rob. "IT IS OVER". Feelings are gone.

That is a good thing Jen.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ.:
Oh, Pep, I feel just terrible about this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Everyone's, including Rob's, disappointment with me, is so hard to take.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never said how I feel... and I am certainly not "disappointed". But I did ask you a question that I thought might be useful for you to answer.

But, that's fine with me if you don't answer my question.

Pep

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep, I've thought and thought about your question and I've written about 5 different posts but, really, I don't have an answer, even for myself.

I've said I got closure. By that I mean that just knowing what had happened after Rob exposed him to his w was the only "closure" I was looking for so, either way, it would have been closure of a sort.

I don't want anything I say to be misconstrued, we've weathered another bump on the rollercoaster and Rob and I are fine.

JL told me months ago I should have a plan for if I ever bumped into OM. Well, now I have one. I will NOT engage in contact of any sort.

Jen

BTW, JL, if you hadn't told me that I should tell Rob about how "distant" I felt, I probably wouldn't even have told him.

It made all the difference to Rob.

I really don't know how you know this stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jen

Jen, hugs to you. it is not very often that posts upset me as personally as this one has. if you have read my recent threads, i assume you understand why. my stomach literally cringes as i read here.

i am so sorry OM lives so close to you. i am so fortunate OM in my case does not. what a frigging mess!!!!

anyway, i wanted to say finally say HI and that i am thinking about you. ya know, we really are trying to do the best we can considering the situation. yes, it is a situation we have caused. i'm certainly not looking for sympathy here. i don't know, i'm rambling and i should just go to bed and stop worrying so much!!! husband went out tonight, so at this point the best thing i can do for me and for us is to get my rest!!

FL, hugs to you too.

I'm sorry this has upset you. It frightened me too, that my guard just fell down.

We all need some of 2long's "unobtanium" to wear at all times.

Rob was quite funny. He said "tell me again about his horrible shoes." and I told him again about the black, basketweave loafers.

FL, you're doing so well.

Jen

thanks jen.

I'll just jump in here and say that even though I'm a BS, I think it would be almost impossible to walk past your former lover and not say something. But perhaps just a quick "hello" would have been better.

Also, I truly believe that your OM is not qualified to tell you whether or not his wife hates you. He may think she doesn't but I bet there's a demon lurking deep down. Hate might be too strong a word but I'm sure she wouldn't give you the time of day. Would you ask her if you bumped into her??

TT, yes I would ask her.

We've seen each other sort of from a distance, in our cars and at the shops and he said she wanted to speak to me but wouldn't have been comfortable talking to me in a public place. She was going to call me but didn't.

I knew her very well when we were much, much younger. She is a very "special" sort of person just like Rob is. They are not like other people, I don't know how to explain it, they're grounded, they know who they are, they don't need anyone else to make them who they are, they are steadfast in all their beliefs. It's one of the reasons I married Rob - I had never met anyone so "good" before. And OM's w is just the same.

Jen

<small>[ January 14, 2005, 01:36 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ. ]</small>