Went over today, got the tape recorder and removed it from his house. There was 60 minutes of NOTHING but lovey-dovey sex talk between him and the OW.

So now I have my proof. Undeniable proof.

I did tell him, even played a little for him....I know it's illegal, but no tape...no proof, my word against his. The tape recorder is here, but the tape is in a safe place, and a religious tape is in its place in the recorder.

Exposure has begun. I called him at work

I said "Are you busy?"

He said "No, what's up?"

I said "Are you ready to stop lying to me?"

He said "What are you talking about?"

I said "Are you ready to stop lying to me about OW?"

He again said "There is nothing going on with her"

I said "I beg to differ, I have proof to the contrary"

He said "What are you talking about?"

I pressed play on the recorder, so he could here the conversation.

Then I said "Now....are you ready to stop lying to me?"

He said "YOU BUGGED ME F-IN PHONE?!?!?!"

I said "Well lets just say that I have plenty of incriminating evidence"

He's screaming at me at this point, I stayed completely calm.

I said "I also have other evidence" (I implied there was a private investigator)

He said "What's his name (The P.I.)?"

I said "It would be unprofessional to reveal his name"

He said "You better F-in tell me who he is"

I said "No, I won't tell you his name"

He said "That's why you don't have any F-in money, you spend it all of it on stupid sh*t like this!!"

I said "I'm not paying the P.I." (Since there really isn't one)

He said "Who's paying him?"

I said "Well, it's really not your concern"

I said "Even though I am aware that you are having an affair, I want you to know that I still love you"

He said "F-U b*tch"

I said "I have to go now, I love you, God bless you"

Then I called: Every business adjacent to his work, and told them what was going on. (they all know him). I called his friends, I called his mother (who already knew), I called his son's aunt (whom he lives with), I called and left a message on the OW's cell phone stating "XXXXX I now have proof that you are having an affair with my husband, I wanted you to know that I knew this, and that he has been having SF with me the entire time since we've been separated. If you'd like to speak to me, my number is XXX-XXXX." The only one left to call is her work's corporate office, and they won't be open until Monday.

I was very nice in every phone call I made, I told everyone that I did not wish to get them in the middle of all of this, but just wanted to let them know what was going on.

He has been calling me and going off on me over and over and over. He left work and apparently tore his house apart looking for this "bug"....it's not there.

I also found out through the tapes that he is moving. Something he chose not to tell me. He isn't moving in with her, and when I asked him where he was moving he said he wasn't telling me. I said "you're moving and you're not telling me where? Shouldn't your daughter know where you live?" He said "Well I'll tell her"

He also said that we haven't had sex at all the whole time since we've been separated. He said "We never had sex, you're crazy" I said "Okay, we never had sex, I'm crazy" (I don't know, maybe the OW was there....maybe he thinks he can convince me it never happened, I don't know what to make of that, but whatever.

He kept calling, and everytime I told him I needed to go, I said "Goodbye, I love you."

Now I'm sitting here, not sure what I should or shouldn't be doing.......I guess I'll just leave him alone, and see what he does. Balls in his court now.

The tape was absolutely sickening, she was counseling him on his credit (which by the way he told her I had ruined his credit, and also that I went and bought pot for him and "kept him high" so he wouldn't be stressed out because the house wasn't clean".....Yeah, cuz I know drug dealers) He also said on the tape that he had marijuana hidden in the house. She said "You should get rid of that, she could use that against you" He said "How she doesn't even know where it is" (Yes I do, he told me) It's in the doorbell box in the hallway.....hello, he's told me this on more than one occasion. I don't even know why he has it.....people that come into his shop give it to him and he just stashes it away, he hasn't smoked pot in years. (And I never did).

So, tell me what to do now? I feel pretty calm, don't feel like going ballistic, I guess that's good.

I guess I let the dust settle and keep trying to plan A him? I mean my date has been set to end plan A in July.....so I guess I'll do what I can do, what he'll let me do.

-Caren

My daughter just called my WH to ask him if he was moving, because I told her he was, and she wanted to hear it from him.

He then talked to me and said "Are you done making all your phone calls?" I said "Almost" He said "Oh well that's nice, all it's I've been hearing about everywhere I go" I said "yeah, I figured" He said "Have you called Blockbuster yet?" (Which is in the same parking lot of his shop...but he doesn't really know anyone personally) I said "No, I haven't called them yet....do you want me to?" He said "I don't care what you do!!!" I said "Okay" He said "Did you talk to my Mom?" I said "Yes, I did." He said "Oh...really? Did you have a nice conversation?" I said "Actually, yes I did" He said "Really, well what lies did you tell her so I can know what I'm gonna have to hear" I said "I don't lie WH, you are the one that has been lying" He said "Oh okay" I said "I had a nice conversation, she asked me why I would want to be with you if you're treating me this way. I told her because you're my husband and I love you, and I'll always love you. She said that you told her you'd always love me too. He said "Oh that's nice" (He was apparently under the impression his Mom was going to rip me a new one) I said "You're Mom told me she loved me and to take care of myself".

Then I said "Okay, well I'm going to go now...I love you, Goodbye" and hung up.

Very interesting that he keeps calling the crap out of me.

-Caren

Oh Caren,
I'm so sorry. At the same time I'm glad you know the truth. For me, when I found out, I was angry, but there was this sense of relief that I WASN'T crazy all that time.

I think remaining calm -- NO MATTER WHAT -- is essential right now. He's spitting like a wet hen because the jig is up. He knows he's dangerously close to being proved a liar to BOTH you and OW. He's already lying and representing you as crazy over the SF to her. Don't be surpised if she buys it hook, line and sinker.

I would be careful of engaging him too much when he's this angry/screaming/threatening. Maybe you should go on an outing, even just to a movie, to get away from it all for a few hours.

So, what's your plan now? What are the next steps you're going to take?

Take care,
Shellybird

P.S. I wouldn't go into details of the conversations you've had with people. It will just feed his anger and help him prepare how to respond. Other more experienced posters may weigh in on this....

Shelly-

We are already separated, so I am actually away from him....all of these altercations have been via phone.

I have only one call left to make (unless I think of someone else) and that is to her stores corporate office.....or maybe I should write a letter, to be more professional.

-Caren

Caren I am so proud of you for how calm you are being. Really I am. I will type more to you later when I am feeling better. Just wanted you to know that I was proud of you and to hang in there.

Caren --

Don't you live next door? Or am I confused? I'm a little worried he may come and try to confront you in person...

Although his last call didn't sound like he was as angry, just trying to gain information so he can plot his next move.

Hang in there and keep staying calm!
Shellybird

I appreciate your concern.

-Caren

Now that's what I call exposure! Does the OW have a H or BF? If so did you tell him?

((((((((((((((((((((Caren)))))))))))))))))))))))

Sorry you had to hear the tape with all of their crap. But don't you feel better now?

My WH lied about so many things - I thought I was the one that was going crazy. He lied about the affair, told me to hang on, things were going to get better for us. He lied about the secret cell phone. He kept telling me I was coo-coo or had Alzheimers. I was starting to think it was me.

I intercepted motel bills - he told me he went there on work days to "think". What a bunch of bullcr*p. He withdrew money from our account and denied it.

When I found out for sure, it was a huge relief.

So now, what I suggest is that you take care of YOU. Don't answer his calls. He is just going to heap blame on you. He has been caught with his pants down. Yay for you. You have exposed him as the two-timing, bottom dwelling, scum sucking, man that he is. Oops, I don't think that is very MB like, but I'm proud of you.

So now, what I suggest is that you take care of YOU. Don't answer his calls. He is just going to heap blame on you. He has been caught with his pants down. Yay for you. You have exposed him as the two-timing, bottom dwelling, scum sucking, man that he is. Oops, I don't think that is very MB like, but I'm proud of you.


Ditto this! Now is the time to concentrate on you.

Caren, I have watched your story and I posted a couple times. I am so sorry for the way you must feel right now. I will try not to be too nice to you, that's usually when I fall apart <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

When you got the idea of putting the "wire tap" in I posted and told you to please prepare yourself. Because I did the same thing with the tap. But I wasn't prepared...........at all. The things I heard. I lost it. I mean, I just came apart, meltdown. I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. Yeah, I was angry too, but the pain was so intense. I feel that same feeling in my stomach right now.

Reading your post just brought all that back. I hope you are doing OK. I also found that after the initial shock, the same feelings came in waves. Sometimes I was actually doing OK and others I was crying like a baby. The waves are farther apart now, but they are still there daily.

Good luck to you Caren. I really mean it.
CJ

<small>[ January 15, 2005, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>

Caren,
Good 4 u that u seem to be handling this so well so far. I remember my D day like it was yesterday. I went insane for a good week. week? heck more like 3 months. Everytime I read about someone who just found out its like a slap in the face all over again. I found out by listening to his voicemails, the pain was so intense. I literally screamed like some kind of animal before i went on a rampage. (rammed H's truck and destroyed all his clothes, didnt help me, BTW) Well like its been said, at least you know for sure and know your not crazy. I was told I was insane everyday, and was swore to on my H's knees that he was not cheating on me, and boom the next darn day i caught him. He also reacted like your H. He said what the **** are you doing listening to my messages?! When i played him the proof he told me thats what i get for being nosy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Ill be checking in on you, be strong and dont let him make you back down. YOU are the one who's in the right , not him.

Shelly-

No hon, I don't live next door, I live about 2 or 3 miles away from him.

I am sure that they are together tonight.....I'm sure of it. But now their bubble is busted....and reality will set in. This was what I needed, and oddly enough, as it stands right now....I'm not falling apart.

It's so damn liberating to know the truth, to know that my gut was right. I was beginning to doubt my own sanity, as of Thursday night, he had me believing AGAIN that I was crazy and there was nothing going on.

Now I know. The tape was UGLY, in some spots...with all the sex talk, but the majority of their conversation was a freakin snore fest....that's one boring b*tch. And just from those 3 phone calls (that totalled 60 minutes...not another damn phone call on there) I can tell that she is VERY concerned with his credit and money situation. He is fricken HORRIBLE with money...I'm sure that's going to make her feel fantastic.

I don't know if I mentioned it in the above posts or not, but he actually told me that WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX since we separated....I almost laughed. He said "You're crazy, we never had sex" LMFAO...I said "Okay, you're right, we never had sex."

He's called me 15 times today yelling and screaming at me and I've been extremely calm and never raised my voice once, and I've ended every conversation before he was done screaming. I've said "Okay, I've got to go now, I love you, goodbye" EVERYTIME. The last time we spoke he said "You better watch your back" I said "God has my back" He said "Yeah well the devil has mine" I said "okay" Then I said "I have to go now, I love you" and he said "I hate you b*tch!!" and hung up. LMAO....yeah, I'm really sure he hates me.

Oh, I'm also going to jail.....he's been telling me all damn day I'm going to jail. I'm like "Okay, I guess I'm going to jail then."

And he's moving, and won't tell me where....from the conversations on the tape, it's not to her house (Or at least that's what I got out of it).

I said "Well let me know before you're out, so I can get the rest of my stuff..." He said "You don't have any stuff here..." I said "Yes, actually I do" He said "NO! I've tried to get you to get the stuff and you haven't come and got it, so it's gone!" Well it's not gone, I was obviously just in there today....it's all still there. So I will just get a police escort and get the remainder of my things out of there.

He's now in the fog zone, so I'm not taking anything he says to heart, nothing he said today hurt me at all.....I was prepared.

Thank you all for the preparation, if I didn't have MB, I would have probably had the proverbial meltdown.

-Caren

Oh....so I guess today: January 15, 2005 is D-Day

Just be careful when the whole thing hits you. Just to make you feel a bit better, all ws's seem to react like your wh, the rage and the name calling, but from what i can figure out, they dont seem to like being caught in all their lies. And he's probably saying you guys havent been having sf's because he probably thinks your taping him to play it for ow. you better believe he's telling her you guys "havent slept together in months" or some such bull and she's buying it hook, line , and sinker. Ive never been able to figure these ow out. The man lies to his wife, his parents and children, yet they think he could NEVER lie to them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> OW make me wanna puke.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> ...Ive never been able to figure these ow out. The man lies to his wife, his parents and children, yet they think he could NEVER lie to them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> OW make me wanna puke. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shelly, I think the same can be said for OM. I don't understand how the affair partner could feel good about what they are doing. Especially when there are children involved. Homewreckers

My bad, didnt mean to leave out OM. Its just that I have no experience with them.

No problem. I figured it was just an oversight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Caren

Now you need to be in Plan A with a vengence.

You might have gone a bit overboard with the exposure, although Dr. Harley says tell everyone. Surviving an Affair describes the "exposure" as an act of love, with it's sole intent to help end the affair, and is NOT an act of Vengence. Your emotions are all over the place right now, and might have been when you did the exposures, as well. You might want to think about some of the exposures through, and be prepared to react to some of the fallout. You also might need to give some thought on how to "repair" some of those relationships down the pike when WH returns to you, and life must go on.

Please understand this is not a 2'x4', but maybe a big flyswatter... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> to prepare you for things you might have to face down the line.

I may have missed, is the OW married or have a significant other? This is one of the most critical exposures, and should be done, if it hasn't. If she does not have a SO, and she's young, her parents should be notified, (in a loving manner).

Read SAA if you haven't and understand Plan A and go to work on doing the best one you can. Decide what your boundries will be should your WH decide enoughs enough, and wants to return. No Contact letter, Marriage Counseling, etc., it's your life, what are your requirements.

If you cannot refrain from "throwing the A in his face" and keeping control of your emotions yet in conversations with him, don't let him return until you can. LoveBusters will drive him away, when what he needs is a calm, cool, collected BS, who will own up to her part in a marriage that was vulnerable, apologize for her part in that, and let the WS know there is a chance the marriage can survive this Affair, but there is a way that path must be pursued.

If you haven't read SAA, and if you don't fully understand it, you have some homework to do.

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ January 15, 2005, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Uhm,

Ok, she has been having sex with him this whole time, while suspecting he was havign an affair. He lied right up to the point of exposure, especially at the confrontation of phone calls. It took her taping his phone calls for her to get the proof she needs.

This is the deal. For me, I think when a spouse has been suspect, and the revelation finally becomes proof...there is no more to plan a. You plan a upon a shocked discovery, where you have been hit upside the head with it...that is where you show your spouse your ability to change and be a different you (whatever the hell that may be, still wondering about how much one changes oneself....)... but, when you have been doing that, and finally get your evidence.. it's time to rock their known world.

Now that it's known, it's time to see how they deal with it...go dark, go plan B. Let them enjoy the 'open' life as quickly as you can put it on them, anything else just encourages the fantasy... the point of revelation is to destroy the fantasy... so, why would you plan a at this point...it is only cake eating, and building a different fantasy... 2 women at once...

Plan b. The sooner, the better, and the more respect you will have for yourself when this is all over, no matter which way it turns out, I promise.

Hang in there....