Well I have finaly had enough of my WW.

She flat out told me she is staying in her R with her OM. They are making plans for the future and so on. I am unable to Plan A while she is still with him, is this normal?

I have sent her my Plan B letter and I don't know what to do now.

I already miss talking to her, and I want her to come home. I know she wont. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well, you don't do anything right now except take care of those daughters of yours. What is the sitch there? How is WW going to see them? Will she have contact with you? That may be a way she gets her fix of you. Plan B, you need to go real dark. Have you talked to a lawyer? What did he say about WW leaving the kids?

BTW, do not, do not, do not allow OM to be around those kids. You are their father, you are still married to their mother. There is no reason for them to be around OM. They need to be sheltered from WW's poor decisions. Get an RO if you have to. If this results in D, then you don't have much choice, but for now you do.

Well, guess what? You are now in Plan B!! Welcome.

As the Plan B Czar, I want you to know that this is where you get your life back.

What do you do? In regards to you and your life...you do everything. In regards to your wife, you do nothing. Do you hear me? Do nothing. You go completely dark. No phone calls, emails. If she shows up, you hand her another copy of the Plan B letter and you walk away. Nothing!!

Everytime you are in contact with her, two things happen. First, she gets more cake and it will extend things. Second, it recharges your feelings for your wife, and the pain starts all over again for you. You will go thru withdrawal, just as she will have to when she comes out of this mess. So learn from this, because if she comes home...you will KNOW how she is feeling because you will have been there.

Concentrate on you and your future. In some ways, you must act now as if your wife is dead. If she as dead, could you call her to ask where the IRS records are? No. Could you ask her to meet o talk? No. You are going to have to fake it until you make it. Pretend if you have to...fool your mind! She must be dead to you for now.

Now, get the rest of your life together. If she comes back, you will need to have your act together because your marriage will need all of your attention. If she doesnt, then you will need to have your act together in order to move forward and maybe be with someone else.

Your wife is no longer your problem! She is God's problem. The only thing you should do for everyday is pray for her and pray God does whatever it takes to wake her up.

I know it is hard...I have been there. Give it about 2-3 weeks and you will get in a pattern and things will get easier. plan your days. Plan them fuller than you have time. Have so much to do that you literally cannot get it done in the day. That way, you fall asleep exhausted and get up moving. Leave yourself no time to dwell on her. Get friends involved. Make them get you out and go to dinner, whatever.

You are still in a plan. You are moving forward on making you better. plan B is empowerment. Up until now, your WW has called the shots. No more. No everything will be on yor terms.

Keep posting here and we will help. Read and understand that what you are going thru is normal. And just hang tight. it ALL starts to get better from here. Whether you know it or not, your hell is over. What we dont know yet is what your future looks like. Yet!!

In His arms.

Bear04,

WW must contact my Aunt to comunicate with me. At this point we have not set up anything for her to see the kids. She was to see them this weekend, other things got in her way.(OM)

She is fully aware at this time if OM is involved with the kids at all, I will fight for full custody of them, she has givin me many reasons for it. I also got the locks changed on the house, she is unable to het back in.

My lawyer is my cousin, so we have spoken mant times.

Mortarman, I am as dark as I can be, she has called my cell three times today, I have not answered at all.

The hard part is the kids, she has no idea at all what she is doing. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dark is hard as I already miss talking to her, even though it was pure vile that came out of her mouth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Thanks for the help.

Alan,

I'm just here to back up what Mortarman said; he is the Plan B expert. It sounds like you are completely dark and that's how it needs to stay. She will try all sorts of maneuvers to compromise your Plan B; just be ready.

It's not your problem as to how she sees kids; it's her problem so don't bother yourself about that. She can go through your Aunt to arrange visits but as Bear says, there are conditions that she must adhere to. This gets a bit sticky because she could try to deceive you regarding whether OM is around or not. Set it up with your Aunt somehow so that perhaps Aunt drops kids off and verifies OM not present. You cannot get involved in directly policing this boundary because that would involve contact. This boundary must be somehow be auto-maintained without your direct involvement.

I know this is really tough but you hold the cards now. Not much comfort when I know that you miss her. Just try and hang in there and it will get better. Keep us posted.

Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson? It might be helpful to you.

alank - Plan B is extremely difficult at first, but then gets very pleasant. So stick to it. After awhile, you will get your self-esteem out of the toilet, and start enjoying life again.

The best part of Plan B is, your life will get better whether or not your wife comes back.

When I went into Plan B, I had a very hard time at first. But I stayed very busy making changes in me. I started my own business, which is thriving now. I let everyone I know that I was ready to go out and do things.

My WH is still gone, but my life is great. Sadly I don't want him back any longer. I think I waited too long for Plan B, and lost my love for him.

Alan ... good job.

Hang in there. You are doing this because it may save your marriage. You are a really good human being with tons of integrity and fortitude.

I admire you.

Pep

Thanks everyone.

My Aunt is great and will help me with anything I need done.


My soul is dark, then two angels bring me light <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

we are all here to support you and help. i am sorry you are in pain but i think its time for this. protect yourself and the kids now....and breathe.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> Well I have finaly had enough of my WW.

She flat out told me she is staying in her R with her OM. They are making plans for the future and so on. I am unable to Plan A while she is still with him, is this normal?

I have sent her my Plan B letter and I don't know what to do now.

I already miss talking to her, and I want her to come home. I know she wont. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is normal to not be able to plan a while the WS is still seeing their OP. I mean, what can be more difficult than trying to be pleasant, happy, meet needs of a spouse who is slapping you in the face, stabbing you in the heart and ignoring your needs because they have someone else? I failed at plan A and went to plan D. Since then have tried plan A several more times but everytime my WW contacts wonderboy it pissed me off and I failed.

Good luck with plan B, I think if I could it would help me out greatly, but since I went to plan D, I can't leave and she won't leave so...

Legato,

I have not read that book yet, I will gat a copy, anything to help.

nikko, I don't know if I remember how to breath right now. Just getting started today was hard. Did a french braid, very proud of that. My little one was amazed I did it. Hope it stays in.

mif,

one to many slaps in the face, when she ditched the kids this weekend, I new I was done, it just took today to finish it off.

Keeping busy shpuld be easy, as I learn something new every day about little girls and what they need.

I think I will get them a dog, it will help keep everyone busy. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
I think I will get them a dog, it will help keep everyone busy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got my kids a dog after D-day.... it helped them a lot. Remember now, this was 9 years ago.... and unfortunately, our beloved Buffy got cancer 3 years ago and died <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But, I think a dog is a splendid idea if you feel up to the additional work and responsibility.

Pep

Pep, I could use something right now, and the smile on my kid's faces would be well worth it.

Ok alank, let's prep you a bit on what may come up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> This is before you implement plan B. Remember this is just an example:

WS: Sorry I ditched the kids this weekend. I had something important to do.

BS: Really?

WS: Oh don't sound so sarcastic. It was important. I needed to hi-lite my hair.... OM didn't like the color I used to use.

BS: Oh well.... you certainly know your priorities.

WS: That's not fair, I love my children.

BS: Right, they rank behind OM, hi-lighting and who knows what else.

WS: That's not true it's just that was the only time I could do it.

BS: Oh, I thought you could do it anytime.....on the phone, wherever you and OM can manipulate time and circumstances.

WS: I was talking about my hair not the OM.

BS: Oh, it is soo confusing talking with you, hair, OM..... starting to all look like one picture.

WS: I hate it when you get soo sarcastic. I still love my children..... you can't stop me from loving them.

BS: U R right, we (chidren and BS) can't stop you from loving them. But it seems OM and the hair stuff can sure make it seem that way. Gotta go, bye.

L.

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Alan - you gotta try REAL hard to not interfere with what is going to happen. There is NO WAY that this gigolo OM is gonna settle down with your wife. No way!

Understand?

She is in for a big let down and you have to allow her to experience the rejection that is sure to come.

Understand?

If you don't let her experience this, she will not learn anything.

The VERY BEST thing you can do for your yourself and your daughters is to lay low and let the affair run its course. Do you like fireworks? Get ready!

OK?

WAT

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Orchid,

That sounds just like my WW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My cell wont stop going off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

If I didn't use it for work I would throw it out the window. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hang tough. She isnt liking the pain that you are "causing." How dare you not feed her cake.

Seriously...this is all out of the WS Handbook, Chapter 27..."The Tide Turns."

There will be more of this. Just let her ride the rollercoaster without you now. In short order, you will know how she will handle all of this.

In His arms.

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Thanks for all the help....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> Orchid,

That sounds just like my WW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My cell wont stop going off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

If I didn't use it for work I would throw it out the window. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well as MM stated, it is also out of Chapt 27.... couldn't remember which chapt. Think I lost the handbook in the move. LOL!!!

Ok, well as WAT says......lay low for a while. Sorry about your cell ringing..... can you put it on vibrate? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Orchid

If I had half a brain today I could have put it on vibrate a long time ago.

Somdays I am an idiot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />