What's that I hear? .... incoming 2x4s!!!

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: legato ]</small>

Alan,

This is a critical time. Your wife could be coming home very soon when she realizes that NONE of her needs are going to be met. But if you continue to be her buddy and listen to her woes with OM, this is going to drag out longer than it needs to.

GO DARK! COMPLETELY DARK!

Enough said. I'm sure there are others out there waiting in line to smack you upside the head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ouch.........

Nice 2x4, but perhaps you are right, sorry not perhaps, you are right.

I am dark, I will stay dark and pray for the best.

I don't know what will happen next but I am ready.

I have my boundries set and I will not bend, I do hope this is something good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ditto legato

Are you in Plan B or not?

You have the PERFECT sitch for Plan B - a delusional WS whose OM is a gigolo.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong>She is pushing for a R with him, yet he does not want that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Duh!! Didn't we predict this?

He has no interest in her. None. Not anymore.

But you cannot come to her rescue immediately. She needs to experience the rejection and crash, IMHO. She needs to be humbled before a meaningful recovery can get traction. Make sense?

Go dark, Alan. Allow her to be scared. This is not being cruel, it's tough loved.

WAT

nikko, things I have learned from my WW.

1. I need to listen

2. When I listen, I need to hear what she say's

3. Little gestures mean the world

4. Respect for her feelings

5. Make time for her

6. What is important to her, is important to me

7. Her life does not revolve around me

8. I need to help her with a sense of worth

9. Learn the phrase, it will be ok

10. She has feelings just like me

11. Her ideas are important

12. I must show my love, not expect her to understand that it is there

13. She is important

This is a few of the things I have learned from my WW, and if I have the chance I will do what I can to implement them long term. I thought I was doing alot of this, the coffee thing made me understand perhaps I was missing more than I should have.

It does not give her an excuse for her A, but I do understand her a bit better.

WAT,
I am in plan B!!!!!

I do agree and I am black, I don't want to see her in pain, yet I do understand this is a means to an end. One way or another, and yes the ever so wise members of MB did predict this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the 2x4's today...I hope things will be looking up some day soon.

I am a farmer, I farm mushrooms in the dark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> 1. I need to listen</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just not right now, Al! You need to listen when she comes home and establishes NC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I need to listen, just not right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I do understand that and I am still in plan B.

I think I did learn a few things today.

Alank,

Okay, since you were already *thwacked*, I will keep from piling on.

So, you are in Plan B. You're Plan B has now lasted for about 12 hours. Do you see? NC is NC!!

When/if your wife writes the NC letter and comes home, if she has ANY contact with the OM, she will have to start the NC period all over again. From square one. NC works the same way for you in Plan B. Every time you meet just one need of hers, every time she gets just a little piece of you, you are in danger of re-setting the clock. Do you want to go back and have to do this all over again? Do you want to lose everything you have built so far?

She IS a classic MB case. And the OM is helping you out. The model works perfectly for your situation. But you can screw it up.

I also believe that you have entered the beginning of the end. How you handle the next few days to few weeks will be very crucial. It is crunch time. You have very little room for error right now. That is why you stay dark...because then you cant make any errors.

Your Plan A has worked. She still wants you. Your Plan B was working when you were doing it. OM is helping out with the cause by showing his true colors. Everything is set!

Now...stop getting in the way. Your Plan B started again last night. There will be no more contact except that outlined by the PBL (dealing with the kids). The next time you two talk will be when she is in agreement with the conditions of the PBL.

If she calls, just say "You know I cannot talk to you until you have broken all contact with him and have met the conditions of the letter I sent. I have to go." And then hang up.

By you talking to her, you mitigated all of the pain that the OM was causing her by not committing to her. You helped her feel better. You gave her strength by listening to her (by the way, once she is home...this should be something you do...notice how she seeks you to listen!!). Now, she can go back and hang on a little longer because you added another gallon of gas, so to speak.

No more. I believe you are the next MB success story. And I believe it will be very soon. But, you need to keep Alank out of the way. You have set everything in motion. Now let it play out.

In His arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alank:
<strong> nikko, things I have learned from my WW.

1. I need to listen

this is huge...and i think you are realizing it now. she hasnt felt heard in a long time. i do believe you are learning to listen now. it is an artform to really listen and understand...not just stand there and "hear" someone.

2. When I listen, I need to hear what she say's

yes, i believe we've just covered that one. she may also need to learn to convey what she really is saying instead of you guessing at it also.

3. Little gestures mean the world

this is huge...i cannot explain to you how huge...its the little things that mean the most. it conveys the message i was thinking of you just because....do you ever get up and make coffee for her and serve it in bed before HER day starts? how about going out and finding her favorite candy just because you wanted her to have something sweet that day? how about e-mailing her a little note just to say thanks for doing all you do? i could go on and on. its the little things that will carry you through or kill ya!
4. Respect for her feelings

what feelings....im gonna guess on this one so bear with me. she has told you things she felt in the past and you tried to convince her why it needed to be that way or why she shouldnt feel that way. well stop that. period. you may not like it but she is entitled to feel any darn way she wants.(and no i dont mean affair wise!) my hubby is the master of this also....hunny i am sooooo lonely...i miss you...him---you dont appreciate all the work i do and you dont realize i do this for you! ok---i am lonely because of me. nope---dont want the cars, houses, gems or any of it....would hand it all in for his time. and to be made to feel i was worth his time.(i know i am....i just wiah he realized i was.)lol

5. Make time for her--does this really need to be explained? make a date night, make the sitter arrangement on your own and surprise her with going out...just because. if your not far from work---sneak out---and dont you dare try to tell me you cant---i know better! sneak out and pop in for a kiss then go back...do you have any idea how that would make her feel? ask her to meet you for lunch...i know you dont really take lunches...but once a month you can do this.

6. What is important to her, is important to me--i dont really understand this one so im gonna ask for more clarification.

7. Her life does not revolve around me. well it doesnt now, you had your chance and you blew it---she is being hurtful with this one. she doesnt want to let you know your important because she felt unimportant...let it go for now.

8. I need to help her with a sense of worth--im not sure if she should be getting her sense of worth from you as much as she should be getting it from herself. again it may be that she wants to know you value her. she didnt feel you did and went off the deep end...your single parenting now----but youve got help with it...do you value all she did now. that is i think what she needs...validation for what she does.


9. Learn the phrase, it will be ok---not sure--need more clarification on this also....

10. She has feelings just like me...wants to be validated.

11. Her ideas are important--wants to be heard and part of the team with ideas and solutions.valued again and appreciated.

12. I must show my love, not expect her to understand that it is there---the little things we covered earlier will help with this. we will also later get into what her love language is. that will show you how to show her love. we all show/recieve love differently. we can all work on this one.
13. She is important---she is......she wants to feel it from you!

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">now---keep dark and listen to the wise guys, umm heads on here---you are getting great advice. i dont suggest talking to her but when you slip---we all do---gather these nuggets!!! they will be the key in the future. her fantasy is falling apart...guess why???? she isnt important enough for him to commit! this is gonna spin her head around. stay dark and everything else we can work on....

so--how'd i do??? think im familiar with this?

nikko,

thanks for the input, I will clarify a few things for you...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 4. Respect for her feelings

what feelings....im gonna guess on this one so bear with me. she has told you things she felt in the past and you tried to convince her why it needed to be that way or why she shouldnt feel that way. well stop that. period. you may not like it but she is entitled to feel any darn way she wants.(and no i dont mean affair wise!) my hubby is the master of this also....hunny i am sooooo lonely...i miss you...him---you dont appreciate all the work i do and you dont realize i do this for you! ok---i am lonely because of me. nope---dont want the cars, houses, gems or any of it....would hand it all in for his time. and to be made to feel i was worth his time.(i know i am....i just wiah he realized i was.)lol </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I DID GIVE HER THE HOUSE AND CARS AND GEMS, NOT MY TIME.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 6. What is important to her, is important to me--i dont really understand this one so im gonna ask for more clarification.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I made her feel what she thought was important didn't matter to me POJA. She thought I didn't care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 9. Learn the phrase, it will be ok---not sure--need more clarification on this also.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She wanted me to let her know on her bad days that it will be ok instead of telling her what to do to fix things. She wanted that phrase from me.

I hope that clears up a few things nikko and thank you for you're input.

If you have any more I do want to hear it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think you are a very wise person and you did very well.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone and hope it doesn't come across as too judgemental.

I am NOT a psychic (but I do play one on TV), but here are some POSSIBLE things going through WW's mind (from reading between the lines of your past conversations and her EN's).

The possible WW's mind spin:

"Things were so bad with BH, I am so glad I am with OM."

"They were bad with BH weren't they?"

"I mean, I remember him never listening to me, totally going against our plans for Christmas present buying."

"Actually that was KIND of sweet, and there were times it was OK."

"But what am I saying, I am happy now"

"Then why am I so miserable?"

"Things with OM aren't that great, but they will get better."

"But things were getting better with BH before I left."

"But how do I know he will keep up these changes"

"Grrr, I'm so mad at him, why does he have to change after I have an A?"

"He really knows how to spoil my plans"

"And why won't he talk with me?"

"I mean, really, if he is so in love with me, why won't he talk with me?"

"I think I'll call the OM"

............

"Well, that left me wanting more"

"I think I'll call BH"

"Why do I still get angry at BH?"

"I just don't know what to do..........."


Yep, leave her wanting more. Do NOT talk with her at ALL. Don't let her trick you into ANY phone contact. Let ALL calls go to VM, then return them right away. You can change your VM to say, "I am screening my calls these days, just leave a message and I will call you right back." Just don't call WW back.

Every conversation you have with her is fulfilling one of her EN's, is giving her more fuel to continue on the way she is going, and gives her strength to stay in her A one more day...

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 08:50 AM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

Still,

I like you're thoughts here, it makes sense to me.

Her confusion is huge right now, her fog is very thick. I am sticking to my Plan B and I am dark to her. I hope I find a positive in all of this.

Alan,

Stay tough no matter what you hear. You are being tested, my man. She needs to know that you are deadly serious and cannot be manipulated.

legato,

I understand and I am strong enough for this.

I know you are, and getting stronger by the day.

al,

A little insight here into how a lot of women women work. When we have relationship problems, we talk to our friends. Having someone listen makes things feel better. So even if you break Plan B and talk to her, don't allow any sort of conversation about OM. Even negative conversations give her a place to vent and things there start to look better for her.

Dobie

Thanks dobie,

I am trying very hard no to talk to her at all.

She has called me today twice, I have let it go to vm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Prepare for her phone calls to get more frequent before she learns not to call.. You have taught her by your actions that you have not been serious about Plan B up till now...

She needs some time without you to think...and she will begin to try ANYTHING to get you to contact her...

alan---i think you are doing great with plan b. i also think its working. keep it up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ok---so if this all works out, and the two of you do make plans to reconcile, what and how do you plan on changing the things that were a problem in the past.(and yes she is gonna need to do a ton of changes also....) acknowledging the things is huge...actually planning a course of action to change them is another thing. whats the plan?