You might want to consider not listening to her messages. It sounds like her pain is causing you pain. Of course, your natural instinct is to want to step in and save her.

She has to learn one important thing from this - regardless of how bad your marriage is it is not acceptable to turn to someone else. She won't learn this unless she suffers the consequences of her actions. It's the same way a child learns what "hot" is.

Thats what I thought..

Perhaps I should stop listining to her messages.

Her pain does cause me pain, and at times I want to slap her upside the head and say what are you thinking!!

You are a very smart woman, you know better than this. Stop sit back and look at you're life..

I know she has to learn on her own. I wish I could help at times.

How long on average does an A last?

I have heard many things on this, and I know every situation is different, yet what is the average?

I am tired of this as is everyone else, so I was looking for a positive side with the time frame.

Hi Alan - ditto legato, consider stop listening to her messages.

That said, her complaints about OM are very good news. But you cannot be the White Knight yet. Her house of cards has to crash.

The time to become the White Knight is when she communicates that she needs something from you. It will have to be needed bad enough that she doesn't give up with leaving an unreturned message. When this "need" arises, you respond with your Plan B letter conditions. "Are you ready to focus on our marriage and family and give up all communication with OM?" If "no", then you end the conversation - "The offer still stands, I love you!" - and return to dark. If "yes", get on your White Knight suit - and remember you might need the armor.

Stay the course. You are in control and you have your fate in your own hands.

WAT

I wish I had the answer but I don't. My wife had a long distance telephone EA for over a year. I feel that perhaps if I had gone to Plan B it might have ended sooner so in that sense I probably enabled it to last longer than it should have. It was really completely one-sided; he had no interest in a serious relationship so in that regard I was lucky.

I can't say for sure but I would be very surprised if this continues for six months. The real question is doing what you need to take care of yourself so that you can see this through to the end. Take the focus off of her and do things for yourself and your girls. This is how you will survive. At this point I think you need to detach from her in the same way that you would from a drug addict. You have made yourself clear. You have shown her the path that leads home and you have lighted it well so that there is no chance for her to get lost along the way. But it's for her to start down that path. Give her over to God and let Him guide her home. Pray for your family everyday and trust in Him; He will not fail you but it will be His way and in His time.

Here is the funny thing, I want my WW's A to fail, and I am sure it is just from what she has said in her messages to me.

Most of this stuff is not new, she is just learning more and more about her OM, and he is a real jerk.

Question is, why am I starting to feel pleasure at her pain? This is new for me, it realy started last night when I thought about all the things she has and was doing with him, that we stopped doing in the last year. Everything has been about him and his needs and now that it is starting to fall apart I am happy in a way that she may now have some pain.

I am also very bitter today, if and when this does end and she agrees to my Plan B letter, will I still habor bad feelings about her A?

I am very concerned about that right now. Is this normal, will I always habor bad feelings and will I take it out on her?

I feel like I am loosing my mind, I feel so bad for her pain and want to fix it all, then I start to have very poor feelings about her and what she has done. It scares me to no end that these feelings will stick around if and when this does end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

(((((((((AL)))))))))

Of course you have bad feelings, your wife is still engaging in an A. Your heart will heal when she has agreed to your terms, and is putting forth a great effort to R your M, or when you decide it is over and you walk away.

Best wishes.

KY

FYI, just bought a great movie for my boys, it is a show called Hammy, he is a real live hamster who goes on adventures, he drives a motorcycle and flies a plane, it is a really good show, it used to be on Animal Planet. I couldn't help but think of you, and your hamster. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Alan - I'll bet you're not feeling pleasure at her pain, rather you're getting reinforcement for your prior conclusions and simply "being right."

I'll also bet this emotion turns to compassion if she agrees to your Plan B terms.

Then the White Knight appears and your challenge will completely shift gears - you'll need to validate her feelings of sadness in order for her to feel safe with you.

WAT

Thanks KY, as always you put a smile on my face.

I just hate the way my feelings are all over the place right now. I have not been in town for a while, I am having a real rough time of it right now. The start of my WW's A was a year ago on friday, things just seem to be going down hill.

Say hi to all the nice idiots for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I want it to end and I am starting to feel like when it does, I wont care anymore, I feel like it could be me and my girl's forever and I would be fine with that. I don't know what I want right now. Being dark is making it easier for me to allow my hurt to come to the surface <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

If she were to file for a D, I think today I would be ok with it. At least then I would have some closure.

WAT, I don't understand what I feel right now. I feel more confused than ever before!

I know that I love my W. I am starting to feel real anger towards my WW.

I don't understand this. Yesterday all I wanted was to ease her pain, today I think good for you for feeling some of the pain you started.

It's not right, but I don't understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Alan,

This isn't WAT (I'm his younger sister - LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Seems like your heart and mind are not in sync yet. You do recognize the difference between your W and the WS.

Your heart is yearning for the W. Your mind is only seeing her current actions (which is WS).

Ok, what t/d? Step back, take a few cleansing breathes (no more than 3). Rethink your sitch. Focus on wanting your W back. When her actions and words show she is a WS, back off. When her actions and words show she is your W, be cordial. Let your W know you miss her. When you see her morph from your W to the WS right in front of your eyes (can tell by the voice, body language and that glazed look in their eyes), then stop all convo, excuse yourself and leave, immediately. Get far away before the complete transformation is completed. That will put you out of harms way. When the WS comes looking for you (they like BS blood), hide be unavailable.

When you see your WS transforming back to your W and you see your W struggling to get out, hand out your hand of support. Let her know you love your W and want sooo much for her to return. No details and no outlining of plans until she is ready for it. Just gentle and simple reminders, periodically. Let her miss you. Let her want you.

JMHO,
L.

Alank,

All of this is "normal." Okay? I know it isnt okay, but you have to believe in how this all works.

If you go thru all of my threads over the last 2 and a half years, you will see me go thru the same exact things. it is okay to ask questions. But do not let your fear or your questions keep you from your mission.

Look, I still have questions, and I am in recovery. There are times when things arent okay, when things come up because of the affair, of other stuff. Yesterday was a case in point. And we went to bed last night sort of upset with each other. When she was in the fog, this would have meant her pulling back and heading back to OM. But instead, halfway thru the night, she curls up behind me and wraps her arm around me and holds me. That is a huge change over even a year ago! Did we resolve the problems fro mthe argument the night before? Well, not really. But in a way, we did. Now, I can see that she knows she doesnt have to run away when there are hard problems. That there is still tomorrow to get it right. And each time we interact that way, and she stil lcomes back to me...then the affair and the fear lessen.

It isnt easy. I am well down the road from where you are. I was where you are at, though. Unfortunately, there is not a quicker way for you to get from where you are to where I am. The trip takes as long as the trip takes. Of course, you CAN make it longer!!

So, trust the Lord that He knows what is going on and He is in control. Write in a journal everyday, and when you feel this way, go back and read and see how far you have come. Shoot, go back and read your old threads and see how far you have come.

You HAVE hit the next stage. By finding some "joy" in your wife going thru her mess, you have reached the point where you are beginning to not let her control you. This is helpful for you. And it will help her because when she loses complete control over you...and then is stuck in Plan B...life will bottom out for her. And only then will she be able to stand up and walk out of the fog cloud. But none of that works without you setting the stage. And you are doing just fine.

So, take a look at my threads and others who have made it. You are not alone, nor original. There is nothing new under the sun. And odds are, you will be where I am at soon enough. So, try to relax and just deal with the ride. I used the time apart to get closer to my kids, and now my wife is even a bit jealous at the reltionship we have. They know they can count on me. They know what kind of man Dad is. So, use this time to be the MAN!!

In His arms.

I do belive in how it all works, I was just amazed at how I have been feeling.

I do love my W, I have taken some joy at my WW's pain, I just don't want to punish her if and when she decides to return.

I hope my feelings will be for my W and I wont be keeping all the feelings about my WW pent up to release at any time.

You are trying to fight the battle in Baghdad, and you are still in Kuwait. Worry about baghdad when you get there.

You will be fine. I worried about the same thing.. And it does cause me worry from time to time. But just know that you are doing fine right where you are...and you will do fine when you get there too.

In His arms.

Well I blew it...

Had a huge fight with the WW. Don't know why, but she came to see the kids and was early. I was still at the house. She let me have it for all the things I have done to her in the first three years of our M, and I let her have it right back <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Lot's of anger on both side.

D was brought up, and I told her I would file today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I took it out of her hands, don't worry I will do it for us. She yelled and screamed, it was ugly and should not have happened.

She told me not to be rash about the D, told me she may not sign the papers. I blew it in a big way, so much for being dark <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I blew it a few times in Plan B also. Dont sweat it. Learn. Do better next time.

What have you done now to make sure that situation will not happen again?

Never, ever say the D word unless you mean it. Never again.

You are fine. Relax. Protect yourself. Find a better way to stay away from her.

In His arms.

Mortarman,

The first thing I have done is realize that I am not perfect. Her messages were starting to get to me. She has wanted to know why she fought for our M for 4 years and I am giving up after a year.

She has an answer for everything I have said or done in our M.

I will no longer listen to her messages, and I will go back and remember she is still deep in the fog ands the things she is saying to me are hurtfull b/c she is hurt. It is not me, stop taking things personaly and stay my course.

just b/c she is hurt right now, does not meen she is ready for this. She still has a lot to go through as do I.

I can miss her all I want but must stay dark and back off.

Hey Alank,

Good...you do understand.

But guess what...there is an answer ot her questions...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The first thing I have done is realize that I am not perfect. Her messages were starting to get to me. She has wanted to know why she fought for our M for 4 years and I am giving up after a year </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Plan B letter. Sometimes when my wife sounded like this while I was in Plan B, I just sent her another copy of the letter.

That way, as the fog clears, she will be reminded that you are not giving up after a year, but you have pulled back until she is willing to be in this marriage again, under the conditions set forward in the PBL.

In His arms.

Yes, be ready next time. Have all of your responses pre-planned. If she comes to the house, leave. If she tries to suck you into conversation, hand her a copy of your Plan B letter.

She knows that you haven't given up. She knows what she needs to do. Your Plan B letter explains everything that she needs to know and answers all of her questions.

I do understand...

I have got sucked into conversations that I should have walked away from. And she has got to me on a few occasions.

Planed response all the time is the best way to go, Plan B letter with me at all times.

I just want her to understand and get out of the fog.

She is trying to suck the life out of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />