Well this is an interesting one for being my first post here. DD was Dec 17, 2004 and I was caught online with the OM. The relationship was both emotional and physical. I relate so much to what is being said in the poll. Before I read more, I wanted to post my answers to this, being that I am the FWW.
1: At what point did you realize that you were not yourself?
I dont know if ever knew I wasn't myself. I knew that I was grasping at times in my early adult hood, back in my single days, when I would go to the bars, looking for something that made me feel normal again, any excuse to make what I was doing okay. When I was caught and started recovery, I started to realize what a horrible person I was, and was feeling pretty low. I didn't recognize that person I was looking back on, my BH didn't recognize - it wasn't someone I had ever been. I flirted non stop, I made suggestive comments to all sorts of people, I hurt those I loved the most in my life, I stopped doing the things I loved in life and spent it all online with the OM. It took getting out to see that I didn't know who that person was, and that who ever she was - I didn't like her and never wanted to see her again.
2: Could anyone have done anything to pull you out of the fog once you were in? If so; who and what?
At that time no. I do believe my BH might have even tried, but he was also protecting his feelings so much that he was withdrawing and so I ignored any attempt he might have made. By the time I got caught I desperately wanted out of the A. I didn't want to be in this relationship anymore - but I didn't know how to get out. BH catching me was the scariest yet most relieving moment of my life. And the love that poured out him despite being hurt was unbelievable. He saved me, and pulled me out of the fog, but it was only until last week that I completely came out. I had a hard time telling him the truth about any details for a month, and continued to lie about the details, which was not like me, and everytime I lied I couldn't stop. He also helped me out of this visious cycle of lying I had gotten myself into.
3: Were there moments, however fleeting, that you could see through the fog to the damage your actions were doing to your H, your children, etc.? If so, what were the situations and what kept you from leaving the fog?
Every day that I spent time with my BH, I had moments of doubt on what I was doing, moments when I realized it may hurt him...but then since I talked to the OM about everything, I would talk to him about my confusion and guilt and he would be supportive and caring and say things that made me feel good and very quickly I would forget all about what I might be doing to my family and only thought about me. NC was the only way out.
4: What began the process of you leaving the fog once and for all?
My BH catching me on Dec 17 online. I had thought he didn't care, and I was so wrong, he showed me that his love ran so deep and that I had hurt him so badly. The remorse and guilt was so overwhelming. For the following month I told him the truth about how I felt, etc and had NC, but I continued to lie about the details of the affair over and over causing BH more and more hurt and pain. It was only a week ago where I finally broke free of all the remaining lies and it felt great. I have the most supportive BH in the world, in a time where he has had every reason to hate me, he has loved me and saved me.
5: Now that you're free from the fog; do you fear that you will return? If yes, or no; why?
I worry from time to time that this is indeed a weakness. But I am learning all I can about prevent an affair. I always was so self righteous about affairs, that I would never have one, that it only happens to people who have no morals, but now I know we are all vulnerable. I also do not think I will ever do this again, as the pain it has caused not only to my BH, but to myself, will be a scar that we will always have. And a reminder of what we have gone through.
We are recovering, and the future looks bright, we have a long road ahead of us, but we are doing it together.
I believe like a physical scar, it never goes away, but it fades over time, and eventually doesn't bother you, but will always be there as a reminder. I love my BH with all my heart and am so grateful he is here with me and loves me. I do not blame him for any of this anymore. This was my choice, whether I was a different person or not, and my choice now is to love him the way he deserves for the rest of his life.
-cp
