I will have rested a week tomorrow- is that not long enough? How long should I stay down?

I do value Cherished opinion because I know she is talking from experience. I am very grateful for her time and paitence with me.

Here's a good link from the Mayo Clinic on mono. They say that it could be three months before you feel normal but I had mono in college and I lost two semesters. You'll know when you've pushed yourself too far and there is not much you can do about it but continue to rest. You're going to be exhausted no matter how much rest you get, so be prepared, don't expect too much out of yourself for a while. Check all the links out on that site, it's an informative one.

If I were you, I'd look into nutritional self care, as in boosting your immune system with supplements such as KyoGreen or Spirulina and the like. A high dose of Vitamin C is helpful too. (the EsterC kind, it's not water soluble.) KB

KMEJ --

If you have mono, you have no time to worry how you can change to change your H's behavior.
Cherished

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Thank you so much for the information. I was planning on going to work tomorrow however after reading that I will stay home and rest for another 3 days. I am so wiped right now and I just woke up from a nap.

Cherished you are one strong woman. Thank you for shareing your story with me. I am not sure why but my H is being unbelievable today. Very supportative and nice. I am not making excuses I am still planning- as I know this crumb will not last long, and part of it I think is because he has a friend over.

Thanks again.

KMEJ --


Remember that there is an abuse fog. You don't see clearly now.

Cherished

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

so much pain and heartbreak in your story. Correct me if I am wrong but are you not still with this man who caused you so much heartache and pain? What made you stay??

KMEJ,

The hope you need is not for having a good marriage. The hope you need is for being the person you want to be, especially as a mother to three young boys.

Cherished

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

It helps more then you know. It also helps that I am not the only person that takes on the blame. I do not feel it is my blame to take but it is easier to take the blame then to have an upset husband. I think I too will print out the chapter over views that you posted and keep them with me as well. When I can leave the house I will go looking to get me a copy of the book to read all of it. Thanks

KMEJ --

It is easier to take the blame because then you think you have some ability to prevent the incredible hurt in the future. If only you could figure out what to do so that you won't be hurt... It's harder to face the reality that you have no control...


Cherished

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

you are so right (again). Cherished thank you for guideing me so much. I am trying to come up with a good plan- have nothing real to post yet. H is not making it very hard either- another night where I had to call and see where he was at 2:30 in the morning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> said he was at his friends house because he was upset... might be true might not. I stayed calm did not let it get to me (or at least did not show it) and I am on to a bright new day with 7 inches of fresh snow to make snow angels in- or watch my kids doing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> WE also live in the back of a cul da sac and so we have a HUGE pile of snow thanks to the snow plow (above my head) the the kids are going to dig a tunnel through and make a fort out of it. I miss those fun filled days when I was a kid- oh to have Cinnamon toast crunch for breakfast and not have a care in the world!! My youngest (2) thinks that the hardened pieces of snow are zizza!!(pizza) I just love my kids. Today will be a great day for ME.

Today was so fun. We played outside today and had a blast! My youngest tornado thinks that snow is so fun, my middle made a whole yard of snow angels, and my oldest snowboarded down the hill in the back yard! Then my oldest two went to a birthday party and my youngest wanted to go back out and walk- so up and down the street we went for well over an hour- he did not want to come in- I bribed him with Hot Cocoa <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Now we are sitting here board- waiting to go pick up the other two tornadoes... Today was a good day- Dispite H's moods!!! It feels great to feel human again- I am so glad I am getting healthy again!!

Kmej,

I usually hang out on the recovery board but snuck over here today. And your posts here really moved my heart. I don't know you whole story but I will tell you I know what it's like to feel paralyzed not to do anything. My first husband frequently told me he didn't need me, that no one could love me the way he did....blah blah blah______<---insert other demeaning things to keep me down. He was never violent but really starved me in our marriage and tried and succeeded in making me extremely dependant on him.

He left me to marry the ow and then committed suicide. I was faced almost suddenly with trying to make it on my own.

Things I learned--

*Fake it till you make it.
*If I don't think *I* can do something because I am not strong enough, I pretend like I am someone that I see as strong enough and do what I imagine they would do.
*My self esteem was lost over years, but I can regain a little bit back every day.
*Big boundaries are hard to start with. Baby steps and starting with little boundaries that are easier for practice and the above mentioned self esteem retrieval.
*I really CAN do it. Fear is what stopped me before.
*Change is scarry.
*I can remake myself. Just because my ex husband said this or that about me doesn't make it true. *I can control who I am, even it starts in my mind and my heart and no one else knows about it.


Just thoughts. I don't know. I just wanted to share with you that poor as dirt and unskilled and really terrified of the great unknown, I made it and found myself again.

Nice to meet you.

Tiggy

Tiggy Thank you for taking the time to post to me and share your story. I am glad to know that there are others out there who have pushed past this. I am sorry for your pain and hope that you are doing well now. Nice to meet you too.

Well here I sit at midnight- H called me at 9:00 to see if I would find a sitter and go on a date with him... I could not find a sitter so HE DID <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> which is huge for him. however I am still here 12:03 (yes in the morning) tired as all get out (still recoverying from Mono) and H just called to say he was on his way to get me. In all fairness he did work tonight so it is not like he was blowing me off. I am hopeing that tonight goes well- as we need some closeness- if not the sun will come up tomorrow- or actually later today. I am ready to go out and have a good time- I am tired of being in this house all couped up for over a week- kids are asleep (okay 1 is asleep- the older 2 are at a b-day party HOPEFULLY asleep because we have another B-day party tomorrow at 11).

I am really trying to keep a more positive attitude and out look on things. I have finally figured out that Happiness comes from within- not from my H. If I slip please GENTLY hit me with a 2x4 to set me back straight. Thanks

kmej
i hope your date went well, i am proud of you from what i have read in this thread, it seems like you are finally waking up. oh yeah, there is no such thing as snow angels! nothing good comes from cold. (you know how i feel about winter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )
hope h is human tonight, have a good wkend

Thanks Dalson- well it is 4:30 in the morning- just got home- H is taking home the babysitter. We had a lot of fun tonight. H was good- looked good smelled good- tasted good- well his neck did at least. I am suppose to be shoveling off the deck and opening the hot tub and waiting in there when he gets back. Maybe I will get some attention tonight- that will be good. However I am happy with the fact that he did not blow me off or pick a fight with me tonight- he actually found the sitter. It could be because it was a get together with HIS friends that he wanted to go too- however I was sick of being couped up in this house so I was game for just about anything. I was trying to decide if I should go casual or sexy tonight- so I went with a sexy casual- jeans- and a lowcut shirt and a push up bra <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then I curled my hair (on the top) and seemed to turn my H's head- that was the goal!

Hopefully tomorrow goes well too. Well I am off to clean off the hot tub.

Dalson- WHY oH whY ARE you at your office at 2 in the morning? I hope everything is okay. Let me know if you need me.

Kmej,

I should sum up a bit on my story. All that happened with my ex in 95. He died in 96, so I have grieved him. January of 97 was when I went into sort of a cave and cut off most of our mutual friends or anyone that wanted to blame me or the ow for his suicide. I came out a different person. I decided even if I didn't feel strong, I would act strong. Even if I had no clue what to do next, I would act like I had a clue.

Anyway, it got easier and easier to be a whole person, instead of shattered my what he had done over the years.

I am not perfect though and dated some fairly unhealthy men during that time. When I met my current husband I had been trying to break it off with another guy who was a skilled verbal abuser.

My husband looked like a prince comparitively speaking. We married too soon. He had tried to cheat on me while we were still dating and yet I kept on going in the relationship. And now here I am dealing with his fling a year ago.

We are doing pretty well. I am happy and he is happy. But good lord I am 40 years old and now is the first time I have been happy and relaxed in a relationship.

You will get there. I will get there. And definately realizing that your happiness can come from within is a huge step.

I always looked at like my husband can just be a main accomplish in my unhappiness if that makes sense.

Well, I am glad you had fun last night.

Tiggy

well a little update- last night did not end as planned <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . when I logged off of here I went outside and unburried the Hottub- well actually part of it but decided I was way too tired. So I called H to see if he would rather just sit in the Jacuzzi Tub instead- he said no he would rather just go to bed then. I asked what time he would be home and he said (and I quote) "Right after this fat ugly B*tch is done giving me a blow job" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I told him that was neither nice nor funny (not being mad just feeling it was highly disrespectful). h wanted to know why- saying he would never mess around with someone that big or ugly (and here is where I LB'ed BIG TIME- and I really did not try to hold it back- sorry) I said "well that didn't stop you before"--CLICK-- we did not speak until the next morning when it was time to leave for the birthday party.

Picked up my kiddo's and went to ANOTHER birthday party (4th one in 7 days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) and H and I got along fine. I decided that I was out of line and so was he- but I was not going to let it ruin my day. After all the sun is shineing.

KMEJ,
Last night, my H started off by saying I don't negotiate "at all" and then continued about how I couldn't handle his having an A. (Isn't it strange that in my case it is the WS who keeps bringing up the A?).

I did one sensible thing last night. I said, "Nothing good can come of this conversation."

Think about it. Deliberate attempts to provoke should be met with indifference and an immediate end to the conversation. It's in "The Solo Spouse": "Nonengagement starves emotional reactivity."

Cherished

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Cherished do you mind if I steal that line?

**Edited to add**
H is always blaming my family for everything and pointing things out and making big deals about things my family does- even though his family does the same thing- irritates the cr@p out of me and H knows it- think that like would work with that too?

<small>[ January 23, 2005, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

Go ahead. Put it in your profile. That would be a good line for you to live by.

Cherished