If you have learned something of value during your time here on MB .... write it down before you exit.

Pay it forward to future readers, writers and lurkers.

What you write may be the very thing someone else needs ... the missing piece ... that will help their situation.

Pay it forward~~~~ Leave your gained wisdom on the MB table, like a tip.

Thanks in advance~~~~~~~~~~

Pep

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Great thread PEP!

I learned a few things during this horrific time in my life.

The first was I can live without someone in my life and like it, it just takes time to adjust.

The second, you definately have to like yourself for others to like you. I always heard this but never really understood it until now.

Third, no matter how much pain you are in or how horrible life seems right now, and believe me I know, it will get better in time and the pain will lessen, if you let it.

HINY

Pep,

Great idea!! I have been doing that for myself when I see"pearls" that resonate with me. My two favorites , other than noodles quote in my sig line, are:

The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now.

Change occurs when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same

Pep,
I'm not going anywhere but just wanted to share what I've learned.

I've learned...that there are more people out there than I thought that are going through the same pain that I am

I've learned....people I don't even know are there for me and are here to offer a helping hand.

I've learned....that I am a strong woman and can make it through anything.

I've learned...that MB has saved my sanity on many occasions. I've gotten some great advice here.

I've learned...that we all have a choice and we are the only one's who can decide what is best for us in our situations.

I've learned...that I will forever be grateful to all of the people on MB. There were days when I didn't know how I was going to make it and I came here and someone said something to me that made me feel good and gave me the courage to keep going.

Just sharing my thoughts!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

double post

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: TreeReich ]</small>

I'm not alone...

It always gets better, even in the darkest moments...

There is someone there that understands...

I just learn a quote yesterday from 24 second seasons, requoted from someone else.

"Learn from our mistake and growth from our misfortune."


-rh-

I've learned: that even the most sincere man can make a really stupid mistake, over and over again. A weak man will repeat the mistakes he never learns from.

I've learned: that there is an increasing depth to how much I can take, I am stronger than I everimagined.

I've learned: the true meaning to the "peace which passes all understanding"

I've learned: that I deserve better than I have been getting and darnit, I am not taking the sloppy seconds anymore!!!

I have learned how to depend on me. I have learned I am the strong one in our marriage. I always knew I could live alone, I just chose to live with a man I loved and still am living with a man who became a cheat. I have met alot of wonderful people here and I have learned that no marriage is safe from an A. I have learned how strong a person it takes to get past this and move ahead. I have also learned who my WH is and he is not who I thought ....I have learned just how sad sad can be....

I have learned that if the BS is too frightened to make bold decisions and refuses to consider going to Plan B when it is time to do so .... the the BS does not have the necessary skills for a healthy recovery.

Plan B can teach the willing BS some important skills needed for eventual marriage recovery.

Pep

What a lovely idea Pep ~

Let's see, the things I learned during my "crisis":

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In life - pain is a given. Living in misery is a choice.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What other people think about me - is none of my business.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Love is a decision.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God has a bigger imagination than I do. If I keep insisting on MY WAY and MY WILL, I will continue to repeat the lessons I need to learn. In otherwords, get the heck out of God's way. Shut up, mind my own business and put the focus on what is under my control (myself) and leave everything else alone.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That a decision/action based on fear, and the SAME decision/action based on boundaries can have 2 totally different outcomes.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fear can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Emotions are MINE to feel, and not subject to approval by anyone - but my actions should be chosen based on something else besides emotion.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In marital recovery trust in myself is more important than trust in my spouse.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]</small>

1. That I was able to forgive what I always thought was unforgivable.

2. That I rather stay with my wife than to try my luck with someone else.

3. That my wife enormous intrinsic value which I took for granted.

4. That even the great ones can fall and that they can achieve greater greatness by doing the right thing.

5. That it is romantic to endure pain.

6. That now I have ENs whereas before I felt I had no ENs at all (not sure if this makes sense).

7. Now I know what is like to be insecure and to have low self-esteem. I can see why this can lead to affairs.

I have learned:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the importance of boundaries; I am entitled to decide what's acceptable to me - in fact, I have a duty to do so;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">enforcing boundaries earns you anger, insults and threats - that's how you know you're doing it right;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">recovery requires you to live with a load of hurt and anxiety for long periods. This is hard if you're a natural Pleaser;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not responsible for the choices of others;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">a mature adult does not lash out at or put another person down - if someone does this to me, it says that they're immature, not that I'm to blame;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can only control me;</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cannot MAKE another person behave the way I want,
  and of course..</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it wasn't about me or the OP - it was about the WS.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Good idea, this thread.

TogetherAlone

Good thread. Wow, Bramble Rose I loved your responses.

1. I learned that in order to achieve intimacy in a marriage you must not keep secrets.

2. I learned that my H is a far better man than I ever gave him credit for.

3. I learned the true meaning of forgiving another human being and receiving the forgiveness of Jesus.

4. I learned that I have a lot to learn.

5. I learned that meeting your spouses EN's can be gratifying even when your needs are not met

6. I learn to shut my mouth and listen.

7. I learned how destructive my anger is.

8. I learned that there are good ways and bad ways to expose an A.

9. I learned that there is way too much adultery in this world.

10. I learned to love and forgive myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

From my time on MB I have learned:

To love myself again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


I came here with a concept and a hope.

The concept was "seek to understand that which you would become".

The hope was that I could save my failing relationship. I didn't save my failing relationship but I did save myself.

And I am becomming what it was I sought to understand. Happiness.

I have learned that there is nothing like a PLAN. I'm not talking about Plan A, Plan B or Plan D. I just mean a plan in general. A plan for how to improve yourself, a plan for what to do "in case", a plan for your future, a plan to heal. I think many times people say "Plan A" and "Plan B" without having a good idea of what they're supposed to be doing or what those plans mean to them.

I say, write it down!! Make small goals and journal each and every single tiny baby step you make towards achieving your goals. Sometimes it seems like we're getting nowhere when in fact we've gotten much further than we ever thought we could...both personally and within our marriages. Journal your feelings so you can see how you react to certain situations. From the moment you start MB'ing, your life should be getting better. If it's getting worse, then you're not doing something right! Plan and journal so you have a guide.

If your plan is well thought out and written down..when something unexpected happens you can refer to your plan and say "will this reaction follow what I want to achieve with my plan? How about that one"...it helps you ACT instead of REACT!!

I've been here almost a year.

Here's some of what I've learned (in no particular order)

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That divorce, in some circumstances, can be an acceptable, if not mostly positive, outcome for a BS.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The sun comes up. Every day. (Hopefully!) So greet with a smile, because the day is gonna come and go whether you participate in it or not.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The world is full of bad people. Some of which you may have shared very intimate times with. But for all of the evil, there are just as many great souls, some of whom you'll ever meet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /></font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've learned to give up my pride and arrogance. And I don't miss it one bit.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've learned the importance of radical honesty, and how it can make all aspects of my life better, simpler.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You really can do whatever you put your mind to. I'm 28. I've been cheated on more times than I care to know. I've emerged from all this crap more attractive (if I dare say), more patient, more understanding, and more compassionate. Oh yeah, I've also gone from a crappy job to a good one. I play soccer again. I'm in better physical shape than I could have ever imagined. I've lost 40 pounds and kept every one of them off. Every part of my day is great. Because I built it that way. I encourage all BS's to start building. If your WS wants to come along for the ride, good for them. But if they don't, it's still good for you.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've learned that it's ok to be destroyed. Because sometimes, there's parts of you that need to go away. My WW destroyed who I was. Sometimes, I'd like to tell her thanks. I've on the way to becoming the man I always wanted to be. I'm not sure I would be here if not for her.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
There is one thing that I have learned that is more important.

I've learned that you can find strength in faith from above. Take that strength within, and spread it those around you. THAT has been the single best part of this.....

Remember, as long as you wake up on the correct side of the grass, your day has started better than a lot of people. Take that gift and make the best of it!

Ethan

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Take responsibility for your own emotions.
Don't let others make you responsible for theirs.

That love might start a marriage, but smarts, planning, and respect are necessary to maintain one.

That sometimes it is better to be seen as heartless than to be acting brainless.

That we really are made in God's image...right down to the capacity for forgiveness.

That when Pepperband talks, you better listen real hard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-OAK

Pep, great thread - thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I’ve once shared what I’ve learned from my experience, but I guess it will be a good idea to also contribute it here. Here goes:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’ve learned that…close opposite sex friendships is VERY DAMAGING and a potential thread for any marriage. Friendships like this (especially were there is a close emotional attachment en dependence) are the ‘silent enemy’ and ‘silent killer’ because on the eye it can ‘seem’ so innocent.
  
  (Before my inappropriate friendship I wrongly thought that there was nothing wrong with close opposite sex friendships, as long there is no physical involvement, declarations of love, relationship talk about spouses etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’ve learned that…A’s happen all the time, even in very happy marriages. A marriage can stray en be vulnerable to an affair also because of adverse reasons and circumstances other than problems/issues within the M. All people have some personal problems/issues and baggage they bring into the M. Everyone must be aware of their own weaknesses & vulnerabilities.
  
  (Before my inappropriate friendship I wrongly thought that if you are happily married and most of your EN’s are being met by your S, that no person or opposite sex friend is a potential thread to the M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’ve learned that…A’s can happen to ANYONE – even good, religious people with high morals and strong conscience can get involved in an A... In fact, sometimes the so-called ‘good’ people are more vulnerable to an affair than anyone else because they think they will never get tempted and are not aware of their own human weaknesses.
  
  (Before my inappropriate friendship I wrongly thought that A’s could only happen to ‘bad’ people who have low morals and no conscience. I was of the opinion that people who have affairs don’t have love or respect towards their spouses. Prior to my EA, I was very judgemental of people who get involved in A's... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’ve learned that…it IS possible to truly love your spouse and at the same time have feelings for someone else. The theory of the love bank also explains this phenomenon very clearly. Like I have said earlier, A’s can also happen because of adverse reasons and circumstances other than problems/issues within the M.
  
  (Before my inappropriate friendship I wrongly thought that if you truly love your spouse, there can never be a place in your heart for someone else. I was of the opinion that if you develop feelings for someone else, you don’t really love your spouse.)</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Suzet

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 03:30 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>