(THIS IS AN OLD POST - THE NEW PART IS AT THE END)

I'm afraid I made a mistake in marrying my H. Maybe I was just still in shock. Maybe it was just me still holding on to "the dream."

I am tired of dealing with the A. I didn't do anything. Why does my life have to be hell? I'm tired of choking everyday from trying to "swallow" what he did in the past. I don't think he even KNOWS HOW to be honest. I think everything he tells me is just lip-service to keep me here. Can't really figure out why, though. Maybe it's to preserve the life we have together (friends, family, children, etc...), maybe it's for financial reasons. I really don't know. Am I supposed to believe that in just a single moment on d-day his life flashed before his eyes or something akin to that and suddenly he realized that he loved me and wanted to marry me more than anything? Sounds like a romance novel to me, and that feels like a red flag as this is behavior I've had trouble with in the past - rose-colored glasses and all that...

He lied to me again. I was asking him questions this morning about the A. I asked him a specific question that I had asked him a few weeks ago. This time I got a different answer. He thinks it pointless for me to want answers to questions that will probably be painful. He sees it as not productive to our recovery, and that I'm just looking for a reason to be mad at him. Does that justify lying to me? He may think that it's lying to me to protect me. I think it's lying to protect HIM. I'M SICK OF THE WAY HE PROTECTS ME!!! I'M SICK OF HIM SUGARCOATING THINGS!!!! It only distorts everything to me. His protection is not protection. His method of trying to protect my feelings is the reason I'm in this situation!

I need help! I have no idea what to do or how to make a decision, or if I even have a decision to make. I do love him, or who I thought he was. I don't know who he is now. I don't know what's real, what is a lie, and what is simply wishful thinking. Would it be better just to move on and start a new life? This hurts so damn much!

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 11:15 PM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

Hi frozen,

I agree with you. If he wants to work things out he should start by being completely honest with you and providing all the details regarding the affair that you request. He should be made to understand that you need that in order to heal and to get past this. His attempt at protecting you from further pain will do more harm than good. He's already caused the pain so he might as well deal with it and be honest and upfront with the circumstances.

Are you in MC?

Moving on and giving up isn't easy either. Make sure that is definitely what you want before you make that decision.

Miker

Am I supposed to believe that in just a single moment on d-day his life flashed before his eyes or something akin to that and suddenly he realized that he loved me and wanted to marry me more than anything?

D-day for some can cause such a thing...up until d-day everything was nicely compartalmentalized...

WS wasn't seeing real pain..

was off in creating illusions...

it can happen...

He lied to me again. I was asking him questions this morning about the A. I asked him a specific question that I had asked him a few weeks ago. This time I got a different answer. He thinks it pointless for me to want answers to questions that will probably be painful. He sees it as not productive to our recovery, and that I'm just looking for a reason to be mad at him.

yep you are correct he does need to be 100000000% honest with you and not protect you...

you have to be responsible for the environment of making it safe for him to share the truth....

which does not mean you can not get mad can not get hurt...but that you need a plan on how to deal with the anger and pain that does not "punish' him for telling you the truth....

you two need to discuss clear boundaries on disclosing of painful things....before you ask for disclosure....

both of you are saying true things...

he wants to protect you from the truth...because he sees it as only hurting and making you mad...

you want the truth cause the truth will set you free...and what you imagine can be as bad or worse then the truth....

frozen you may need not to evaluate your love and wanting to stay together...but you patience in this....
you easily get frustrated which is understandable....but watch which it is of YOUR behaviors that are hurting recovery...

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you in MC?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you have to be responsible for the environment of making it safe for him to share the truth....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does this mean that I am not allowed to be angry or show emotion? If I do express anger, is that not punishing him? I've never been able to understand this concept. It sounds like I'm supposed to be dishonest about how I feel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">frozen you may need not to evaluate your love and wanting to stay together...but you patience in this....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't completely understand what you mean by this. I suspect it's probably really important information and I want to be sure I "get" it.

Does this mean that I am not allowed to be angry or show emotion? If I do express anger, is that not punishing him?

nope you can't control whether the information will make you mad....
but you two have to a pre-plan together on how and what to do with that anger...

how and what can he do to make it safe for you to express the anger and pain..

how and what can you do to make it safe so that he will tell you the next painful thing....

this is something that a good counselor should be willing to assist with...if you have a counselor who shows signs of burying the past..or what you don't know won't hurt you...run to a different one that doesn't believe that....

frozen you may need not to evaluate your love and wanting to stay together...but your patience in this....

your patience in wanting in this fixed...and your patience and ability to build on the good stuff...

I know you are probably frustrated and wanting to be past a lot of this...but it is what it is...

I'm saying that I think you love him..
I'm saying that I think you want to stay with him...

I'm just saying that I think you let things set you all the way back to step one if not d-day as your first reaction....and then once you breathe and evaluate you can see the progress and growth in him.....

i'm saying you are hurt..
and human..
and sad....

and perhaps you just need to tell him that there are days when he just needs to hold you while you cry so that you recharge yourself...

ARK

Frozen I found this on another web site maybe it can help you to help him "Get Over It"



To Whomever:
"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards.
I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important.
Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."



to understand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this is something that a good counselor should be willing to assist with...if you have a counselor who shows signs of burying the past..or what you don't know won't hurt you...run to a different one that doesn't believe that....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure if this is the case or not. She does seem to be a good counselor. She says that the only time we should spend on the problem is just to "name" it, so that we can then focus on solutions.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ability to build on the good stuff...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm afraid that the good stuff is all lies.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm saying that I think you love him..
I'm saying that I think you want to stay with him...

I'm just saying that I think you let things set you all the way back to step one if not d-day as your first reaction....and then once you breathe and evaluate you can see the progress and growth in him.....

i'm saying you are hurt..
and human..
and sad....

and perhaps you just need to tell him that there are days when he just needs to hold you while you cry so that you recharge yourself...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that this must all be very true because I immediately started bawling my head off when I read it.

I don't know if I can ever get past this as long as I remain in this marriage. This pain is so tremendous I feel like I can't even breathe.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

Frozen-

I suspect that you are now being hit with the full impact of what happened. When you are trying the 'plans' you are focused on what you are doing, and wanting to get your Ws back, I think now that he's back, all that hurt that you pushed down is surfacing, if he really loves you, he'll help you work through it.

Froz, I think he does really love you, I don't know too many husband's that would come on this site and post their indiscretions on a website, and take the blame for them.

I know what he did is more hurtful than he can ever imagine. I think you need to try to calm down, talk to him about how you're feeling, and what he can do to make you secure.

I know you feel like this is all just too much, hence the reason you are pushing him away, but Froz, I think you'll be sorry if you don't give this thing the chance it deserves....oh and I would hit him with both guns about the lie!!

Hang in there hon,

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When you are trying the 'plans' you are focused on what you are doing, and wanting to get your Ws back, I think now that he's back, all that hurt that you pushed down is surfacing, if he really loves you, he'll help you work through it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never had the opportunity to exercise a plan. He never left. He has been trying to work things out since the moment I found out. Maybe I should feel lucky. Keep in mind that our situation is a little different from the norm in the fact that we weren't married yet. (November 12, 2005: d-day, December 11, 2005: wedding day) How crazy is that?

I thank you, Caren, for your words of encouragement. It's comforting to know that someone understands.

Frozen

Welcome to MB. I'm new here as well. Your story is almost identical to mine. Hopefully we can encourage each other through one of the most difficult times, in both of our lives, that we have yet to experience.

My husband cheated on me during our entire courtship (we lived 2000 miles apart). My husband and I were childhood sweathearts (for a brief few months) we grew up in the same neighborhood. He joined the navy and moved to CA right out of highschool and went off to college.

In 1/04 we started dating, a few weeks later he met and started a sexually relationship with a M woman (whose H was in the Navy too and deployed). We married in 8/04, I didn't have a clue. Thought we had the perfect relationship. I moved to CA in 9/04 discovered their relationship in 10/04 after many false D-days he finally admitted the A in 12/04 although he adamently deny's a PA after our M. But does admit to conversations. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> yeah right.

Because of our age we agreed before M to start having children right away. I have 2 from previous R and he has none. 12/04 I got pregnant and yes it was a mistake on my part. I wished I'd gotten on BC immediately following his confession (I still don't know the extent of the A just what he wants me to know, the candy coated version).

I'm 3 months P, miserable and my H has stolen away the joy of this pregancy. I felt like I was finally getting it right for once in my life. It was SUPPOSED to be wonderful, he being supportive, loving and understanding. Treating me like his queen....now we struggle to make it from day to day.

I too feel like you do, that this whole thing was a lie. Heck he probably spent more time with her than me considering the distance and opportunity.

And oh yeah I almost forgot. My H will be going on deployment in May, 3 months away. He won't be here for the birth, I don't trust him. I know that he is going to cheat. I don't remember who said it but, I also feel like if he cheated when things were great between us then I'm doomed from the gate.

How are you coping now? When is your H deployment?

*************RETRACTION****************

Maybe I should read the dates on this stuff before I flip out, eh?????????

I hope no one read it, LMAO.

I thought this was new Froz, so I was ripping Patriot a new one....Whew....okay, I fixed it.

-Caren

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 06:32 PM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

??

Caren,

I didn't even get to read it!!!!!!!! I'm dying to know what you said! Thanks for defending me.

Froz

Froz, before you ask him anything, you have to ask yourself first, think very very well and answer to yourself: can you, deep in your heart, forgive him.
Neglect time frame, neglect conditions to be met, just simple question - can you or you cannot.
Paralelly, imagine he doesn't feel remorseful, nor sorry, and doesn't want to stay with you, but with ow. - What's better situation of a BS? What do you gain and lose each way?
You still have all chances to make it.
But first answer to yourself, and don't listen to anyone else.
Yes, it won't be the same, for a long time. But it could be.
Once you answer - yes, I can - then proceed with questions to him and other steps, you two together, to get back to what you have, or even to better relationship 'then ever'...

So... without us here, without him... just you and yourself... for only you can give the only correct answer...

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 10:39 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

White Dove,

I'm grateful to you for sharing your story with me. Our situations are quite similar. I feel for you so much. Our D-Day was before our wedding. It almost wasn't. He fully intended to marry me without telling him and end his A (sure, he was). I can imagine how you feel. I wondered how I would have felt had I found at AFTER the wedding. I would imagine that you feel pretty "tricked", and find yourself wondering why he even bothered to get married at all.

As far as your H's version of the truth - the candy-coated version sucks, doesn't it? Ironically, the cold hard version is pretty awful, too. At least with that version you can try to gain some semblance of what is real again. There have been times that Patriot told me the truth about some particular and it devastated me. I would freak out and say the most hateful things, tell him I was divorcing him and that I hated him - we refer to it as "spitting venom". It was horrible for him and at the time I felt so justified. I was entitled to react, wasn't I? I felt like he deserved any backlash he got from me - and maybe he did. But yesterday I told him that I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish that we had set up some specific plan for going over the "truth" that enabled me to express my pain and still protect him from my wrath. I know that it was pretty awful for him. His making this awful for me doesn't justify my behavior. I now see that perhaps if I were going to leave my marriage - sure...fire away (still wasn't right to treat someone that way). If what I wanted was to remain in my marriage - then I needed to be productive and not destroy it any further.

I'm not sure where you two are as far as recovery.
Patriot and I have made some progress, but still have a long way to go. Is your husband willing to come here to read or post? That has been tremendously helpful for Patriot. We are both learning so much. How committed to recovery does your husband seem to be?

I am so sorry that you are in pain. I'm sorry that he stole the joy of your pregnancy. I felt the same way about our wedding. I loved Patriot so much and so looked forward to the day we got married. After D-Day, when we were planning the wedding, I can remember thinking how happy I would have been at a particular moment. Instead, I went through the motions. I didn't view our wedding as joyous. I viewed it as serious. I no longer felt all hearts and flowers and focused only on the seriousness of the committment. It would have been nice to have the joy, too. A baby is different. That is truly something to be joyous about. Don't let his actions steal your joy. Maybe you, too, can find a different angle. I will have to think further on that one.

Where will your husband be deploying to? We just found out about three weeks ago that Patriot is not going to be deployed. I am relieved and truly grateful, but I felt scared when I found out because I had kinda been telling myself that I just had to keep my sanity until he left. I could figure out what I was going to do about my marriage after he left. I thought in some ways, it would be easier after he would be gone. When I found it he was not leaving, my first reaction was excitement. My second reaction was "Crap - now what am I going to do? I don't get a year to figure it out anymore. I have to figure it out NOW".

Patriot and I had already thought of some ways that he could help me to feel safe while he was gone and some ways that we could continue to work on our marriage even though we would be so far apart. I would be glad to share these with you if they would be helpful. Again, I wonder how committed to recovery your husband is. If he isn't, our ideas might not be applicable. If he isn't, then we will have to figure out some ways for YOU to recover.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How are you coping now?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By coming to this forum 50+ times a day and trying to learn from others who have climbed this mountain and seen what is on the other side.

Hang in there. I'll be here for you, if you need me.

Froz,

Wow Wow Wow Wow...I have just been reading over some more of your post. I'm starting to find my way around MB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Yesterday when I posted, I thought that was the only post you'd made, didn't know H was here (@MB) too, until he posted after mine. I chk out his link to his side of the story.

Let me start by saying that EVERYTHING that you are feeling I am feeling also. W/the exception of the lashing out thing. Yeah I'm angry but MUCH MUCH more hurt and scared for what the future holds for me and my children. I've never said anything spiteful to him (((4 real <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). Yes we've gotten into heated arguments in which the topic of the A has been the center, but I've been more angered by his insensativity and lack of consideration then anything else.

As far H chking out MB...I told him about it back in (i think) Dec when I found it about. I even emailed him exerts to read and I specifically told him that one of the things I wanted him to do to make up for this mess was to go through the "Policy of Radical Honesty" word by word together. I printed the whole thing out and it is still sitting on our dresser untouched (I read the whole thing myself already). He probably has surfed around on MB a little.

I didn't want him to know that I was posting our story here so, one night while I was on MB he came around the corner and I closed it out quickly. After a brief interr. I told him that I was on MB and I really didn't want him to know anymore. Well he found my post in divorce/divorcing and he was "devasted" that I told everyone here that I wanted a divorce but I didn't tell him...ha ha ha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ; isn't that calling the kettle black. Even though he didn't let me know this until days later, typical behavior for him.

I'm sooooooooo glad for you that your H is not going to be deployed. I know that you have mixed emotions about it...so did I...I needed to be away from him to clear my head not be reminded of the past everyday. In Dec it was rumored that he would be deployed in Feb and I remembered being so happy...if I could just get though a few months then he would be gone and I would be free from this nightmare even if it was only temp.

Unfortunately for us his deployment is inevitable (he's active duty). Typically 6 months over seas tour, give or take some time (not anywhere specific for the whole time, he is in the Navy). Let me tell you why it is better that you H is staying.

My H in Jan went underway for 10 days (keep in mind d day was just in dec-04) also in Jan for about 3 wks he had duty every 5 days, which requires him to stay onboard for 24 hrs. other then his regular work shift (7 hrs) he is just required to be there. There are about 2500 people stationed onboard in which 35-40% are women. Of course duty days after work hrs its just a skelton crew. But you get the senario that I'm setting up. Also the OW was a co-worker, different command. When he went underway for that 10 days it was horrible!!!! We didn't talk on the phone we just emailed each other back and forth. It started out civil, then he would write stuff like what's wrong, b/c things like, I wouldn't tell him that I loved him, b/c I don't (I'll explain that one later) then he would be hurt and it would just go on and on like a ping pall ball, with no end in sight. Being separted DOESN'T not give a couple ample opportunity to work on problems and ESPECIALLY not problems of this magnitude. I feel like his deployment will the end of our marriage. There will be too much damage and too much time passed. Can you imagine us after living separate lives for 6 months going back to work on where our M left off 6 months prior??? Crazy!! Actually Dr. Harley comments on that topic of separation, not recommended in trying to recover.

As far as my H commitment to recovery....I can only tell you what I've observed. He says that he wants to work through this but he hasn't taken steps to do so. For example doing what I asked about the Policy...Honesty. Unfortunately he is not AS repentent as ur H he still gets on the defensive many times. He often says, "what's the point of trying, you don't want to be with me anyway." w/o trying to do anything. He knows that I won't divorce him. But he still stays and got highly upset twice when I stopped wearing my wedding ring. Says that he will go to a MC but doesn't want to pay for it. A christian MC is a must for me. Military won't pay for that.

He just wants the problem to go away for us to go back to the way things where before. I DON'T THINK SO. I made it very clear BEFORE we got married that I will not EVER tolerate cheating. Who wants to be M to a liar and cheat. I have been single for a very long time. I have never had a man to be faithful to me. I know what I want and what I can deal with and cheating is something that I CHOOSE not to deal with. Now I have been forced into this situation...I don't believe in divorce unless it is because of adultery and of course according to him he stopped the A once we got married.

I'm so stuck it is driving me crzy...I don't have time to be joyous about a new baby. I'm working full time, have 2 kids...I'm sorry but that is how I feel.

White Dove,

You stated that your husband knows that you will not divorce him. Is that true? You said that infidelity in a marriage is unacceptable to you. If your H is not committed to recovery and simply wants to sweep his A under the rug, is that acceptable to you? If he has another A or continues his past A, what are you prepared to do about it? Clearly defining your expectations and your boundaries might be helpful for both of you.

Your mentioned that your H says he doesn't believe that you want to be with him. Do you? If so, have you conveyed that to him? If so, perhaps if you told him that emotionally, for you, leaving might be the "easier" route, but you are committed to making your marriage the strongest marriage it can possibly be. Ask him if he is interested in joining you.

Have you guys filled out and discussed the Emotional Needs Questionnaire? That might be a good start. I printed off every single page of information in the Concepts portion of this site. Patriot got a 3-hole punch, a binder and some dividers and made a book out of it. Last night we bought "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". We read through the binder together, taking turns. I am going to read LB while he reads HNHN and then we will trade. We have set nights that we do our homework. We both post, trying to find answers. We read each other's posts and often have discussions about them.

I'm glad you are not displaying the angry outbursts that I have. It was seriously impeding our progress.

As far as the OW in your situation...Who have you exposed the A to? I am a new military wife, so I don't have any experience with these matters, but I do know that exposing to anyone in the military has serious repercussions. I don't know much about exposure but I'd be willing to bet that if you posted something asking any questions you might have, you would probably get TONS of responses. There are some real experts here on the subject. I only exposed to the OWH.

I know Dr. Harley doesn't advise separation during recovery, but you have no choice in the matter. You will just have to do the best you can with what you have. Some of the plans we had for recovery during deployment were:

*Patriot was going to immediately seek counseling with the chaplain. We had this plan in place for two reasons - so he could continue to work on the character issue, and to provide some measure of accountability to someone during his deployment. I also was going to go to individual counseling here.

*We intended to continue to read everything we could get our hands on and possibly discuss what we were reading/learning through e-mail and phone calls.

*We discussed the importance of Radical Honesty. We hoped that if he did experience tempation, that he would tell me about it immediately (providing not only accountability, but in hopes that it would help build some measure of trust on my end.

I may be forgetting some. I'll ask Patriot when he gets home if there were other ideas.

As far as your disagreement on MC - Christian or Military - you might read together the Policy of Joint Agreement. We have begun to employ this technique on just about any decision in our lives - from what to do with some money we were going to receive to setting boundaries to help make me feel safer in our marriage.

On the topic of feeling stuck...I can easily see how you would feel that way. I felt that way a lot and sometimes still do when things get rough, and I'm not pregnant! I'm sure that only adds to your feelings of obligation to stay in the marriage. I am still in the very beginnings of recovery, but even this small start did not begin until I made the clear cut decision to stay because I wanted to, rather than because I felt obligated. I posted about it and got some very good advice. It was either under my thread "I can't do this anymore" or maybe on my original thread - can't remember the title - something like "Sad, Confused, Empty " or some other horrible feelings. My recovery began at that point and I started a new thread - "I think I'm ready to begin working" or something along those lines. Some of the advice and observations I got from others might be helpful to you, as well.

Hang in there,

Frozen

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

Froz:

Thank you so much for your advise and support, it means so much to me to have someone that truely understands how I feel and cares enough to try to help.

I can't really write much because my H is reading my post (which I had been aware of) and instead of using them for good he is uses it as another excuse as to why our M isn't working. He isn't interested in making me happy, just himself.

Not that you are in an idea situation, none of use wants to be in M's that are in trouble, but you are so lucky to have a H that truely loves you in action and not just words. He might have taken you for granted before, but now he realizes what you mean to him and he is willing to do anything to keep your M together and that is a blessing, that unfortunately I don't have.

I told the OWH about the A this past week. My H is angry with me that I did so. He told me that it was a very immature thing that I did. Did I think about what doing that would do to HER marriage, how they have been in counseling and how far this has probably set them back. Did I think about the consequences of telling him? He was so angry about what I did to the OW, to make a long story short he left and said that he wanted a divorce.

Even though the next day he came back, the bottom line is that he says this is the way that he feels and I need to deal with it.

So, here i am today. I've probably said too much all ready and he is going to twist this one around too. But I didn't want to just disappear w/o a trace <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

You keep hanging in there with your H.

PATRIOT:
You continue to love your wife like there is no tomorrow. She might not be able to return the same degree of intimacy right now, but I guarentee you that your love will be able to break through those barriers of hurt one day and everything that you have put into your M will come back to you 10 fold.

God Bless and good luck to both of you. I will keep you in my prayers!