Mark, this is good.

Turmoil is good.

She has to hit bottom before she can climb out.

Just reply that she can have all the friends she needs, and you're #1.

You see, she may be in so much denial that she doesn't see the problem with calling OM's wife. Pretty sad, huh?

Patience.

WAT

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Mark -

As I'm sure you realize, you are to blame for all of your W's bad decisions... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The older I get, the easier it is to see how people blame others for the consequences of thier actions. Blaming you Mark, is a much easier way for your W to see the situation. As long as you understand this you can deal with it.

Do not confront her, do not challenge her reasoning. Just go to the local bank, pay a small fee and get the document notarized. Be there to fix the 'problem' without challenging the source of the problem.

More of these situations will arise. Handle them the same way - Smile, tell her you will take care of it, then take care of it. After doing this a few hundred times she will start blaming you less and less... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings...

Gib

She just left for work. SHe is so pissed off. She says she's ready to leave but can't because she has no where to go. This thing with his wife really set her off. She said OM is not the problem. I told her I know that there is something wrong with us and we have to fix it. I also told her I can't do it alone. No kiss good bye tonight - instead I got a f-u. I stood outside and waved good bye - not a good thing - then I blew her a kiss for good measure. SHe said her therapist asked if we could live together under the same roof and not be in a relationship. Classic stay together for the kids. She said she wouldn't be happy. I told her I'm here to work on things, that I want to make things right. I told her she has lots of friends and she ranted about how she has to warn every male (the husbands of her friends - she never talks to these husbands anyway) that I'll be accusing them of an affair. I reminded her of her letters and she just responds "I can never journal again".

I don't know it seems like this relationship is shot.

Help! The weekend is here and I'll have to face her for a couple full days. I don't know what to say or do.

I'm also scared her interaction w/OM's wife yesterday has made her realize more that her friendship is in great jeopardy.

There were y=underlying issues about us before obviously or this wouldn't have happened. I'm just not sure what they were/are. I've done the EN stuff, but she offers no input other than she needs 'space'. I tried to offer a spattering of all the other EN's and I probally was getting somewhare, but telling OM's wife blew up everything.

Last night she kept asking me what's wrong with talking on the phone to someone. I reminded her of the letter I found. It was totally suggestive of an affir. She insists it was just her writing down her personal thougths, never sent it, etc. She says he isn't the problem, that we're the problem. Again she stated she is not going to see another therapist (we see presonal therapists - different people). So no marriage counseling.

I want the marriage to work, but she doesn't seem to. I am still committed to trying, but I'm starting to question if its just a wasted effort on my part.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MarkNY:
<strong>I'm also scared her interaction w/OM's wife yesterday has made her realize more that her friendship is in great jeopardy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are you scared of this? This is exactly what needs to happen.

Just give her a wide berth over the weekend. Let time take its course that very likely will result in the usual life cycle of an affair.

Be pleasant and neutral. Expect her to lash out at you for no apparent reason. This is because you just happen to be the most available target. When this happens, smile to yourself that she is following the predicted course.

Patience, time, consistency. No LBs.

WAT

I think I love DB'd last night. I fought back a bit. I told her to reverse roles and thing about what she did. As she was leaving for work in anger I asked her how she felt using a phone card to call him - I through suggestions - guilty, happy, secretive, etc. She said she felt nothing. She had to hide her activity because she didn't want to deal with my jealousy. As she walked down the driveway I told her 'have a good night' nothing sarcastic, but she said f*** y**. I then remained in the door way waving as she backed out and blew a kiss once she started down the street.

In hind sight I know I shouldn't have followed her to the door. I also should have just let her lash into me. It just pisses me off she doesn't see what she was doing.

I don't know what to do about her underlying bad feelings for me. IMO most have to do with my alcohol use or abuse. I've stopped that months ago and tried to meet any need I could think of.

She keeps mentioning she needed "space". When should I ask her what she means? I honstly don't understand what she really means.

I meant LB'd nor DB'd in my 1st sentence

Mark - you don't get it yet. You can't change her actions or her thoughts.

Read Just Learning's response to devastatedhubby. You're in the same spot he is - desperately trying to get control of the affair for which you can have NO control.

Let go.

Let the affair clock run. Every time you LB you add time to the clock.

WAT

I think I'm starting to get it. Its just hard to fight off the urge to be defensive and then cross the line into a mild attack mode. I'll try to exercise my right to remain silent (accept for signs of acknowledgement).

As for her 'spece' need, I guess I should wait until she voices it again and then say 'I really don't have a good understanding about what you mean by that.' - Is that cool?

Mark I just got online and have not even read the posts on my thread... I feel the exact same way you do and I am in the exact same mental health...

I am sitting here at work crying for you... even though my own pain is killing me...

I don't know how long I can take this...

Every day seams like a 1000 years...

Off to read the things that people wrote to me... I am scared:-)

DH,

Thanks for sharing my pain. I remember back at Christmas time I couldn't even get myself to work. Things got a little for civil, but there are good days/bad days. The good days are when she doesn't yell at me. Funny how expecvtations get lowered.

I know you don't want to hear this but time will help. Look for the smallest signs of progress. For me it was just after Christmas and she had my son ask me if I wanted to go with them to the movies. I was in emense pain, but went anyway. In fact I was close to suicidal. I've gotten better, but nights like last night bring back the nerves in my stomach.

The problem i have is that last night when i got home all was good and she was acting fine... then I found all that stuff... and I had to not say anything... she came home later than i thought she would ... not that I would try to control that.... and then I had all sorts of crazy thoughts... then I could not fall asleep last time... I put my head down at 10 and was still seeing the clock around 2 a.m. So I don't know if I can P take this any longer without knowing that he is out of the picture...

I can handle my wife and her problems with me... but I cannot face or handle what she is doing with and talking about with this other guy...

It hurts so bad...

I cannot do this if he is in the picture... I cannot be rational... I cannot stop pouting as she calls it... I cannot have fun... I cannot stop analyzing the situation... I cannot act normal as she wants... I cannot do anything... it is paralyzing...

And she does not care...

She has nothing else to lose... so she is standing up to me on this issue because she knows that she already told me she wanted to leave but couldn't...

Vomit!

Mark, Hubby (need a better name for you, Hubby) - take advantage of having each other to vent to/talk to. Consider exchanging e-mail addresses. You can really help each other if you feel comfortable and if both of you keep your wits at least a portion of the time.

I did this with a guy poster when I was in your sitch, Rick37. Never met him, but we corresponded via e-mail and even talked on the phone a few times. We became good friends. It really helped me, and I assume, him. We both went thru what you're going thru now.

How's the infidelity diet? I lost 25 pounds in 4 weeks. Once went without any sleep for 36 hours straight - wired wide awake. So, you are normal and are not alone.

Both of you please see a doc about depression. Very common and you both display symptoms. The anti-depressants can do wonders.

Hang in there. It does get better. Although I was unsuccessful in saving my family, I can say without hesitation that today, I am happy, healthy, and a better person for going thru the crisis. You will be to, no matter what happens.

WAT

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

The infidelity diet (and cutting out beer) has me me 40 lbs lighter than July. The lack of sleep and alcohol withdrawal landed me in the hospital back in July.

Good to hear you are happy now. I can't imagine my life being happy without her. Right now its hell either way. Right now it looks like I've lost her for a verity of reasons, the telling OM's wife was the biggest blow though. If I had the change to relive 12/20 (talk to his wife) I would not have done it.

Things look good one day and bleak the next.

well about 4 lbs this week...

Thanks again for the kind words...

MarkNY... it was just the other day that she said that she would not talk to any of the involved people with me... go figure...

I just need to figure out what the best thing is to do for now... and be prepared for the outcome... 6 hrs and counting for the weekend blues to start...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MarkNY:
<strong>If I had the change to relive 12/20 (talk to his wife) I would not have done it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you would have violated the #1 important affair fighting strategy.

Mark, get a grip! You HAD to do this and OF COURSE your wife didn't like it!!! Why didn't she like it? Because it threatened her fantasy!!! Does a drug addict like it when you take away his fix? OF COURSE NOT!!!

C'mon Mark. Get in the game. See a doc about antidepressants and this will all get easier.

WAT

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Well the weekend has almost started. Wife's working tonight. She was up all day with lunch duty and girl scouts. She just got home an is going straight to bed.

I get a reprieve until 9:00 PM hopefully she'll be to busy getting ready to comment again.

But this sets a bad tone for the weekend - she'll be exhausted tomorrow. Grumpy.

Sunday my son is invited to a bday party that OM's kids will most like be at. My wife was planning on taking my son. SHe has to leave a basketball game early (girl scouts attending a college game) to take him. I was told to stay with the my daughters. Funny she's the scout leader why am I staying? Oh yeah OM might be at party. I wonder if she'll risk that OM's wife might be there instead. After yesterday's fun who knows.

She seems surprised someone hates her (OM's wife).
Wonder id I'll get a kiss tonight?

If I had the change to relive 12/20 (talk to his wife) I would not have done it.

And you'd have passed up the opportunity to gain one of your staunchest allies, OM's W.

If your chid is trying to eat Drain-O and you take it away and they pitch a temper-tantrum, do you wish you'd let them keep it because now they hate you?

Listen to WAT.

No but I'd be tempted to let my wife keep it

Boy, your situation sounds close to mine. Any progress?